i told him
i told him already
my dad left when i was 7
i thought he was going to come back for me
he never said he would but he said things that let me know that he knew full well what she was like and he had to get away from her for his sanity
we had an understanding my father and i
and there was no way he would leave me there with her knowing full well what she was like
but he did
he left me
and i thought of him everyday
and the thought that we would come back for me kept me going
enabled me to go on
i though of him everyday
and he forgot about me
and
(i said to my t)
and
THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN

and the ball is in his court now
if he doesn't email me i won't go back
i'm not thinking on him anymore
and if all i get is a cursory email just before the appointment
thats not good enough
%#@&#! you mr t
i'm not thinking on you anymore

[SecretGarden]

Your emotions are valid.....

no matter what his truth is. You have your truth right now based upon your past.

It is hard to change the future when looking at the past. The past is ingrained. The pattern is familiar.

I'd go back just to curse him out. That's what I normally do. I get mad at my T. I say that I'm not going to go back. But I always do. I fool myself by thinking I can make a statement by leaving on my terms. It always backfires because I need him too much. I hate that. So then I tell myself that I'm going to go back so I can let him know just how pissed I am. It makes it feel okay to go back. I hope you can go back.

[Perna]

I usually can't resist having the last word. The bad thing about not going back, "writing people off" is they often don't know the extent of how they may have hurt you. Your father's example is large in your mind but not your T's?

And, over an e-mail? That's too "small" for you. You are worth a going, explaining, then getting up and leaving mid-session if you want to make a statement.

But Alexandra, how does it all "help" you? Yes you can get angry now at your father and how he seemingly forgot you when you were looking forward to his rescuing you. But not having it out with your T, doing the same thing to someone else, doesn't help with that?

he did forget me.
he walked out the door and never really looked back.
when i was in hospital they called a 'family meeting' and they invited my dad.
the p-doc said to my father that i felt like he abandoned me.
i NEVER said that to the p-doc
i felt numb
my father stood up and said 'i did NOT abandon my daughter'.
p-doc started to say that regardless of what happened that was how I FELT
but he was already out the door.
several weeks later: round two.
we waited for half an hour and he never showed up.
he walked out when i was 7
when i was 14 i was put in a social welfare home
know what he says about that now?
'i thought you were happy there'
he never came to visit me
he thought i was happy.

my t assures me he leads a full and varied life and that i don't need to worry about him being over involved
i can hear the excitement in his voice as he talks about his busy and varied life
emails...
he said he may take a couple days to respond
yeah well its been over a week now.

maybe baby died. i'm not strong enough to deal with him dealing with that.
maybe something happened. i'm not strong enough for that.
or maybe... he forgot about me
he forgot

its too hard

i'm not strong enough. i want to run... i have a deadline and it isn't happening. i'm crumbling. whatever strength i had is crumbling. he can't be affecting me this much. i won't allow it. i'm wiping my hands of him. i really don't see what else is to be done. this can't go on.

((Ak)) Do what you feel will get you through this! Maybe out of this will come a hidden inner strenght? I dunno!

[Perna]

Remember how long summers were when you were a child as compared to now? That's because they were long as a child because one didn't have as much time "behind" one as one does as an adult.

It's the same with T contacting you; you are feeling 7 again so it seems like forever and like your whole world revolves around that contact. That's only a perception. Go outside/downtown/to an airport and watch "life" going on. You know how when someone you love dies it feels funny to see life going on when you feel so dead also? Try to balance your perceptions and feelings with what you see really happening around you.

He will e-mail; or, something could have happened to that e-mail! E-mail him again and ask, tell him you're waiting and hurting and would like a word. . . Maybe he's been away for a couple of days at his in-laws or something, who knows?

[nothemama8]

how long did he say he would be gone, after all new babies in a family do take a lot of ajustments

Oh, ak, my heart goes out to you.

T not responding to your 2nd email is like your dad not showing up for 'round 2'.

Don't write him off. He has good qualities too. Go back and talk about your dad with him.


ECHOES

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this. my heart hurts for you.

I had similar happen to me with the last psychologist I was seeing-- and when my appointment time came to see him.....I drove to a park near his office and I called him on his cell phone.... told him -- "I'm upset and don't know if I should come to the session"..... he said that I cna decide and that he will be there the whole hour as that is my time-- so.... 15 minutes passed..... I sat in my car at the park.... then 25 minutes passed..... I told myself then-- how will I know why he didn't email me back if I don't go and ask him?.... so when 30 minutes had passed I drove the couple blocks to his office and went in..... he asked "what's going on?" and I told him about how I'd emailed and never heard from him -- it was two weeks later.. He was surprised and asked-- "You mean you didn't get my reply?"... I'm thinking-- sure, I bet you're making this up..... then.... he pulled out a printout of my email and his reply was right below it on the piece of paper(he always brought the emails with him if I sent any inbetween sessions)..... he had sent one-- it just didn't go through to me.......

Well, I jumped to the worse thinking before I even knew the real reason-- the reality. I made my own reality that he put me aside like had happened to me all my childhood

Well, this is long-- sorry-- what I'm trying to say is that there could be a very good reason and it's not anything bad about you at all. I will hope that you find out soon and will then have some peace in your heart.

I'm here listening if you want to vent/talk or anything.

alexandra--

mandy ps... can you imagine.... I still do this it's like a reflex that comes out of nowhere!

hey. yeah... living in little kid time i think. i ended the last email with 'i feel abandoned'. he hasn't replied. i've been feeling really upset about that. really upset. i only sent that yesterday afternoon. sigh. give him a chance.

he did say to me that it could take him a few days to respond to emails (this was in our last session). i don't know how many emails he was envisaging my sending. maybe he was thinking about three (one a week) or something like that. in that case maybe he won't even check his email for another few days (if he responds immediately i guess he could be thinking he will still be responding within a few days).

i guess it is possible that his hands are rather fuller than he realised too. he just isn't getting the time and / or isn't having the mental and or physical energy to be checking and / or responding to his emails.

it is hard though. kt feels very upset. called him today. he had the answer phone on horray! hearing his voice was really very soothing for me. but stupid me called from my cell. so now he will have me pop up in his missed calls list. darned it. i kinda want to call again... must be careful not to harrass.

meebe i still in kid time but it has been about 9 days now... meebe i said somethin' wrong :-( i said a lota stuff. meebe i said somethin' wrong an he doesn't wanna work with me anymore.

:-(

Oh Alex. It must feel %#@&#! horrible. When is your next appointment with him? 9 days is a long time, kid time or not. Can you call and leave him a message? I know you said you listened to his message, but you didn't leave him one, right?

good idea to call him. I do that sometimes a few times a week and it is soothing and calming. sometimes I feel really silly for doing it but that's because I feel silly being needy.

hang in there alexandra_k!

not until the first friday of next month. another couple / few weeks, i guess.

maybe i should leave him a message. just saying... that i'd be grateful if he could say something so i know he isn't upset with me or avoiding me 'cause of something i said.

if he says 'yes' then i'll know its ok. just that he is busy or something.

if he says 'no' then i'll know its not ok. he doesn't want to see me anymore.

plse if he could just send me a txt. not knowing is killing me :-(

[SecretGarden]

I am sorry Alexandra... It has been a stretch.

Staying tuned here....

yes asking for a yes or no response sounds good.

If his message is comforting on the phone... call and listen... I have done that... it is legal.

ak,

knowing that you are understandably in a lot of pain and that i'm not good at conveying warmth when writing, know that i am saying this in the kindest gentlest voice..

how has this gone from you deciding to write him off to him writing you off?

this has all happened in your mind. the reality is that you emailed him and he hasn't written back, not that he has written you off. it doesn't mean anything more than that and you don't know the circumstances or his thoughts. (like me though you will guess; it is our background that makes us do that). I don't think he sounds like someone who would make a decision like that and carry it out passively (by not writing back and I don't think he seems like someone who would abandon anyone, especially you. you are scaring yourself with your own thoughts. do you see what i mean?

see if you can find a way to think about it that is less painful, like 'For whatever reason, he hasn't emailed me back yet'... no guessing what his thoughts are or deciding you can know what his thoughts are.

I think if you can do this it will make you feel better.

((( ak )))

ECHOES

[sunrise]

Alexandra, hang in there. I don't think his not answering the e-mail necessarily has any significance about whether he wants to continue with you in the future. He could be simply overwhelmed with the new baby. Is it his first child? Speaking from experience, when my first baby was born, I don't think either me or my husband slept much the first couple of weeks. We were totally sleep deprived and not thinking clearly. Maybe he hasn't even checked his email since the birth. I really think you and your T are going to be fine, and your alliance will survive this.

Could you do something to get your mind off this for a while? Immerse yourself in your work? Go away for a trip? Find a new lover? Anything?

> how has this gone from you deciding to write him off to him writing you off?

because i'm processing it, i guess. that is what rejecting him is about. preempting his rejecting me.

i sent him some stuff... i disclosed some stuff in the emails. i'm concerned about how he is taking the self-disclosures. i said some of the stuff i would never be able to say to his face and i hinted at still more.

and i'm scared that he won't want to work with me anymore, yeah.

i'm scared that he feels deskilled with me.
i'm scared that he feels like he agreed to work with me under false pretenses.
i'm scared that he is trying to think of an easy way to let me know that he doesn't want to work with me anymore.

part of it is past stuff because of my father, yes.
but part of it is past stuff because of other clinicians.
i've been terminated on the basis of less and i've never been so honest before.

but...

there is nothing to be done.

i need to work to meet my deadline now.

((((guys))))

[Greenleaves]

((((((alex)))))))

I'm sorry I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I wish your T would e-mail you back.

I just want to let you know I read this and would like to support you anyway I can.