[justatoaster]

Hello!

Maybe there is a professional out there that can help me or someone "in the know" that can offer some enlightenment!! I have been in and out of therapy, of one kind or another, for more than 17 years. Actual "therapy" time approx 10 years, ranging from 5 or 6 sessions to one that went on for almost 2 years.

I have been referred or advised to seek therapy for symptoms of depression, beginning in 1990 until present.
I have started each "round" of therapy telling the doc that I don't think I am "depressed", or that I have "depression". Yes, I have some of the symptoms, but the symptoms all revolve around and connect to the death of my parents (sept. 11, 1989 mama, march 9, 1990 daddy-I was 19).

Was told that I am having problems with their death because I am depressed, not the other way around. Each gave me an Rx for antidepressants, some added an extra Rx for anxiety. I should clarify here that I never started out seeing a psychiatrist, but a therapist. I did not want medication. I wanted clarification. But regardless of the modality, certification, background of the therapy(ist), I would eventually be informed that I "might find it helpful" to have an assessment done by a psychiatrist. I was 20 when all this started, and didn't think twice about following the advice I was given. I just felt more lost and confused and well crazy. If all these doctors of mental health tell me that what I am thinking and feeling are not really what I am thinking and feeling, then I better get those Rx's filled fast before the guys with the butterfly nets and white coats come after me!!

Now here we are in the year 2007 - thank you for sticking it out this long, I'll attempt to wrap it up - and guess what?!? There has been talk in the psychiatric community that some people get "stuck" in the grieving cycle, especially those who were faced with multiple losses and losses under sudden traumatic conditions. Complicated, Traumatic, Unresolved Grief are names bandied around, and there are some who are trying to get this disorder recognized and added to the next DSM-V, scheduled to be published in 2012.

Mmmm...Sept. 11, 1989 my mother is killed instantly in auto accident, my father who was also in the vehicle spent the last 6 mos of his life in CCU in and out of comas, I am 19, I had to tell my dad about my mother death, I am the youngest of 6 kids(4 were dads, 1 was moms, I was their's), I am "elected" to pick out the coffins, what they will wear, what should be said or sung, blahblahblah (my siblings range from 8 to 15 years older than me-are ya getting the pic?).

The paragraph above contains just a blink of the info that every therapy(ist) session started out with. Just in the past three years I have had 2 seperate "docs" TOTALLY dismiss this information, and see me as "depressed" or "SADD" or "manic".

So...if you're still awake...would I know whether or not I'm depressed, or whether or not I am still floundering around in the "stages of the grieving process" unable to grasp that elusive link that will allow me to be able to love and honor them in a different way rather than just loving and honoring them through memories of past happiness and an almost overwhelming grief and longing at times when their presence is so blatantly missing from my life?? I just want some peace, and I don't think it comes in pill form.

Help!

[pegasus]

Hello justatoaster,

You have a very good understanding of what is going on and where your problems stem from.

Mental health problems often stem from trauma and emotional problems during childhood.

Unfortunately some mental health professionals like 'labels' too much. Meds can be helpful but talking therapy is needed to deal with the traumatic experiences that you have been through.

A good therapist will not treat you as a 'label' but as a person who has been through trauma.I hope you will seek out a therapist so that you can start to heal.

Take care.

i'm sorry for the tragic loss of your parents and how your siblings left you with more than your share of responsibilites.

you are not a diagnosis. diagnoses are useful to therapists who report to insurance companies as a way of justifying the treatment and receiving reimbursement.

you are a person seeking to feel better. that is all the diagnosis you need really.

perhaps you haven't found the therapist or therapy that is right for you.

i agree that a pill isn't the answer and taking meds is a personal choice regardless of any recomendation. if you are going through an insurance company for treatment, that will influence what you are offered. they expect a quick resolution (it's cheaper) so they offer therapists who work short-term and they push meds, in my opinion and experience. if you leave the insurance conpany out of the picture you can choose whatever fits you the best after researching to see what that might be.

here is a site that has a lot of great info. i go there often. it has a good question and answer section as well as many links to types of therapists and therapies: www.guidetopsychology.com

you have a lot of awareness which makes you way ahead of many who seek treatment. i think wih the right therapist and therapy you will feel much better.

i have also been in therapy for years. i was on meds for years too but stopped them a year and a half ago. i am now in the therapy i want to be in, paying for it myself without any insurance company involvement. it feels very good to be doing this myself without the insurance company looking over my and my therapist's and my treatment's 'shoulder' and 'managing' the type of therapy, frequency, and duration of therapy.

I hope you will keep searching because i believe there is just the right thereapist out there for you. keep posting and reading here too and you'll learn a lot. it's a great place and I'm glad you're here!

[justatoaster]

Thanks for the replies!! And the advice!! I think I have experienced most of the modalities of therapy out there, with the exception of "shock therapy", hypnosis (tried with 3 different "experts", none could get me under), inpatient care and lobotomy(haha)...they have all fallen short.

And as for finding a therapist that I am able to connect with....I guess could be possible; but has thus far been an excercise of sheer futility!!

Within this tangled web of my mental and emotional issues I must ponder the question: Has therapy failed me; or has it been ME who has failed therapy?!

justatoaster

[withit]

You seem to be pretty 'enlightened' youself.....just keep trusting your gut instinct cuz iin this instance it seems to be spot on! True, meds do no help one process losses. In fact, I had once read an article by a noted psychiatrist. He posits that when there is a loss of a relationship (yours qualifies 2x) it is better not to medicate the grieving person, as medicating can numb the experience,and one needs to experience the grief in order to be able to process it.
If I were you I'd look for a therapist (not psychiatrist) who can provide that which your gut instinct knows you need.

BTW, I recently began seeing a new t and she also mentioned she thinks an antidepressant would be helpful. I simply told her in as matter-of-fact a manner I could that, ''That's not an option for me right now. I would like to process my grief without the use of meds'' At the next session she again mentioned it and I again matter-of-factly stated that, ''I don't favor taking meds...in fact I've tried it in the past and it didn't help'' How COULD it help? I just don't get it! What's it supposed to do? Make me happy? For heaven's sake, I''m grieving! (This is not an anti-meds thread...i's just that for those of us who know what we need from a therapist so that we can grieve our losses, meds are not an equivalent substitue.)

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Am I a person or a diagnosis?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
You are a person!!! ((((hugs))))

You seem to have a good idea of the root causes of your depression--stuck in trauma from your parents' deaths. I think dealing with the root causes with a fantastic therapist could help you move forward beyond depression. I have recently beaten depression without meds. It is wonderful to not be depressed anymore.

Have you tried EMDR? This is a therapy particularly effective with trauma and getting unstuck. It is relatively quick and really helps a lot of people. My current therapist is an EMDR practitioner, and I have really found this therapy effective at helping me process past trauma, some from decades ago. After my first EMDR session, I was literally bouncing off the walls I felt so good. Wow, what a high.

Have you tried visiting a therapist who talks about "healing" a lot when describing his approach? Some psychotherapists have a strong view of themselves as healers rather than psychologists or medical professionals who make diagnoses and fix pathologies. My therapist is a healer and told me that the first session. It was really different from my first counselor's self view. I don't believe she ever mentioned the word "heal" and just kept trying to deal with depression symptoms rather than root causes. My daughter's counselor is also a healer. We are both finding this approach beneficial and, well, "healing."

A book I found insightful about trauma:
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma

A great book about EMDR, very accessible to the client:
Emotional Healing at Warp Speed: the Power of EMDR

Good luck, justatoaster. It is a testament to your desire to heal that you are still working on this.

[Perna]

Why are you in therapy? That is all that matters. It's your therapy and if you don't like the therapist or what's suggested then now you can do something about that (since you're not so young and impressionable anymore we hope :-)

If you don't believe you are depressed, you must have some reason or something to "show" for that feeling/belief? What do the doctors/therapists say when you express those ideas? Have you ever "connected" with a therapist and felt you were going somewhere that you wanted to go or are you still approaching it like you have no say in how/for what you are treated?

No one else can define you besides yourself. True, you can accept someone else's definition of you but that doesn't make it "you". "Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck" is what others use to help figure out what they themselves are looking at but that doesn't make what they're looking at a duck. I can wear a duck costume and quack but I'm not a duck. Reminds me of when I was telling my T I was "ornery" and she had never heard the word so I had to teach her its meaning, etc. English wasn't her native language so later, when she tried to use the word it came out sounding like "ordinary" and I instantly protested saying, "I'm a lot of things but 'ordinary' isn't one of them" :-)

[sidony]

Hi justatoaster,

I'm really sorry to hear about the tragedies you've experienced. That must be so terribly hard.

I think I'd be annoyed too if people were constantly insisting I take meds and calling me depressed. Whether you want to use medication is entirely your choice! I'd suggest finding a therapist who is a clinical psychologist (not a psychiatrist) as he/she won't prescribe meds (though I can't promise they won't suggest using them). Tell them upfront that you don't think you're suffering from depression but that you need to talk through the traumatic experiences you've had because you can't find closure. I'm sure the right therapist for you is out there somewhere! Check around for websites of therapists in your area or maybe ask for recommendations if you can think of someone who might have that type of information.

Best of luck,
Sidony

P.S. Oops just realized you said you'd seen therapists (not all psychiatrists) and they had suggested meds also. Just start out up-front by saying you only want talk therapy.....