attatchment issues

Today I saw my T. I told him I was afraid of increasing sessions even though I need them because I fear being to needy or attatched. I know that this is part of the process and that it is normal but for some reason I feel ashamed that I feel this way. He wants to discuss this next session. He wanted to know if I feared that he would hurt or disappoint me.Can anyone relate to this? What have your experiences with transference or attachment been. I could use some insight advice about my fear and shame over needing and depending on T. Thanks so much!

I totally understand where you're coming from. I told my T last week that I was afraid of becoming too depending on therapy. It's really more that I'm afraid of becoming too dependent on her but I couldn't get those words out. With me, it's either all or nothing with attachment. Either I'm overly attached or I'm not at all attached and that's where my problem is.

It makes sense that we attach to our T's because they are sometimes the only people in our lives that really listen to us and make us feel like someone understands. They validate the way we feel and support us no matter what. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

When I told my T I was worried about becoming dependent, she asked me if I wanted to cut back on my sessions and do every other week. I declined because I don't think I'm ready for that yet but she said it was up to me to decide if/when I want to do that. If we had been at a point where she wanted to increase our sessions, I would definitely want to but, like you, I would be hesitant because I'm also afraid of becoming too attached.

I know my fear is when my therapy finally comes to an end. I hate goodbyes, especially with someone who is such an important part of my life. I'm not worried that my T will hurt me but I am anticipating being hurt when our relationship comes to an end. I hope that I can work through this attachment stuff so that when therapy does end, it doesn't hurt as bad and I can move on, but I'm definitely not there yet.

I think the awareness that you have over the possibility of becoming too attached or dependent is the most important thing though. My T always tells me that the first step to changing and growing is to have an awareness of where I am now and sometimes that awareness is all we need. I would highly suggest you continue discussing this with your T next session. It can be awkward to talk about because you're essentially telling him that you need him, but I'm sure he has dealt with it before.

You have nothing to be ashamed about though

They could mock or humiliate you.
That would not be good - at least I don't think it would be good.

Thank You Laxer, I left him the notes I wrote after our last session explaining my fear of needing him. He also asked if I wanted to stop therapy. This really scared me because I am not ready. I have made good progress but he makes me feel safe! I am so afraid of going back to where I was last year this time. I Never imagined being in therapy for a year and the thought of leaving terrifies me! I asked him in the note if he could help me with how and when to stop therapy! Thanks so much for your support it means a lot!!!!

Thanks stop dog! that thought has also entered my mind!!!! Thanks for validating that bothersome thought. PS I've read many of your posts. I am a fan lol! Just wish I was as strong as you!!!

I have some attachment and transference both with my T and marriage counselor. With T, it's some maternal T and a bit of attachment, but manageable, and we've talked about it. We seem to have become closer as a result.

With MC, it's more complicated, because he's male, there's both erotic and some paternal transference, and, well, he's my marriage counselor. I discussed it with him in a couple individual sessions. After the first, he seemed reluctant to do a second individual session (for various reasons--marriage counseling, plus my T is in the same practice, so he didn't want to interfere with our therapy, plus personal boundary stuff, I think). I became rather despondent (OK, I totally melted down, leaving him a sobbing voicemail), thinking he was rejecting me, etc. He called and apologized profusely, then set up another individual appointment and at the end assured me that his door is always open and that attachment doesn't necessarily mean seeing someone all the time (though I do see him regularly for marriage counseling), but just knowing they're there if you need them. I found that to be incredibly reassuring.

Not sure how helpful that is, but there's my experience. Feel free to ask any questions.

if he's a good T he won't mock you or drop you.

Dear Lonesome, Thanks so much for your help! This transference stuff is really hard! I've read about it a lot that is why I am so apprehensive about discoing it with him, but I opened that door yesterday and so we will be talking about it. You are so brave to share your story! I don't see him as a paternal or maternal figure. More like a good friend or the talkative side I wish my husband had. There I said it for the first time. My H has been to a few sessions with me. T suggested a separate marriage counselor, My H said we didn't need it and encourages me to go to T. He wants happy sane wife with him and emotional sad wife with T! Please share how you get over the attachment and fear of loosing the only person that can handle your emotions and pain!

I have both and it's been very difficult. My mom died almost a year ago and I developed MET with my T. who I had seen off and on for 5 years. It literally happened around the week my mom died - like my brain substituted my T. for my mom but without my permission!

I have had negative and positive transference towards her and she's not much older than me which makes it more awkward. I have been mean to her, convinced she's mad at me, wanting her to love me, etc. It has been the most painful yet amazing experience I have ever had. I admitted I had strong feelings for her about a month after telling her I didn't want to need her ( I hated the word need). I knew it was transference as I had already researched it. We didn't really talk about the attachment but I once said attachment sucks. She didn't want to discuss the whole process of transference with me because I am one to focus on the process instead of my feelings.

My biggest regret is I didn't tell her all of my feelings when they were actually happening because I was worried they were wrong. So, I suffered alone for several months instead of asking her to help me. I wouldn't ask for more sessions and pushed everyone away. The more I talk the easier I get. She's also not one to reassure me and I wanted her to tell me it was ok to feel this way. sometimes she will and most of the time she won't because she feels I should be ok having my feelings and not want someone to tell me it's ok to feel a certain way.

I told her early on that I didn't want to be close to her. And, I'll want to be close and then a month later start pushing her away. I finally figured out that I was afraid she would hurt or abandon me. And, unfortunately, I still fear she'll hurt me. I've realized I don't really trust her but haven't been able to figure out why as I did before the transference started. Part of it is I never trusted my mom. But, I also read that not trusting someone is a protective mechanism to avoid getting hurt. So, I guess a way to keep her at a distance.

ahh, I did this too.

Yes, all I can say is feel what you feel, but do 'it' anyway.
Therapy for me is all about closing my eyes and taking that unseen step.

Attachment issues suck.

Yes, apparently I got this message in my childhood. Now, I have to think "tell T. this because that is the opposite thing you would do with your mom".

Soccer Mom, I'm sorry for your loss! Thanks so much for sharing your experience, IT is helping myself and others. I told my T that I didn't want to need or depend on him. I couldn't explain that it is the most frightening thing for me. Then he asked if I wanted to stop therapy, that he was ok with that! Not what I wanted to hear. I know I'm not ready I've been holding back because of my abandonment fears and attatchment issues. All my life whenever I became close or needed someone they would betray or hurt me. As a child/teen I was made to feel like a burden. I learned to not ask for what i need. I had to play tough so i WOULDNT BE HURT. That's what I have been doing. I also suffered from CSA, Physical and emotional abuse. I don't feel deserving of his time or help or caring, but i don't know how to tell him. He would only ask why. I can't speak to him for fear of unraveling. I left him my notes from my journal. I now have two weeks to collect myself! To brace myself. I want his help, need his help and am ashamed that he cares for me more than my own family ever did. My H encourages me to go cause he doesn't want to deal with my emotional side. He gets happy, productive wife. T gets needy, emotional wife it's hardly fair. I have grown to love him. Is this bad? If not why do I feel so guilty!!! Thank you for allowing me to vent and for your support I don't know how to process these feelings

ME TOO!!!

That is strange that your T. said you could quit. mine did tell me at one time that I could stop. i asked "why would you say that???" She said because she has to remind herself that at anytime I could leave.

YES, you HAVE to tell him all of those feelings. And, it is so freaking difficult. Adult me will say how ridiculous it all is - that I need her, want her, etc. Child me is begging her to tell me she cares, won't leave me, I'll be ok, etc. This creates a push/pull effect. My T. has also told me that in one session she can see me go in and out of the transference. Sometimes I can tell.

Another T. once told me that the transference means that therapy is working - there is SOME trust for all those feelings to surface. If you would have asked me 2 years ago how my childhood was, I would have said fine. Really, it was ok - my parents did love me, provided for me, no physical abuse. BUT, my mom had alcohol and prescription drug abuse that I now think was from her being bipolar and not seeking help. So, when she died and I started therapy, all these crazy feelings came to the surface. I couldn't understand what was happening or why I felt that way. My T. asked me over a course of several sessions what my needs were. I wanted to throw up - me, no needs here! When I could muster the courage to tell her, I told her I felt like I was a little kid. She asked how old and we figured out it was around age 7 when I first started attaching to teachers. So, I told her: I want you to say you care about me, won't leave me, will always be there for me, that I'll be ok. Then, she wanted me to assign each a percentage. And, of course, then there was the talk about how that's really not her position. Months later she said most of them in a difficult session but not again since.

No, it's not bad you've grown to love him. I remmeber last summer thinking that I FELT I loved my T. but my mind did not. Like I would rationalize my way out of it. A few months ago I walked out of her office feeling for the first time like my mind and heart were in sync. So, I told her the next time that I love her. She asked why it was so hard to say and we figured out that when I would tell family members I lvoed them, it was a thing I did with very little emotions attached to the words. This time, the feelings were attached to the words which felt very different for me.

Now, I'm in the stage of embarrased I told her that. So, my transference goes in waves as T. said it would. I just keep showing up and talking and trying to link it to my past. I went through a huge grieving period not for my mom but for what she never gave me. I guess next is for her but the anger isn't letting me go there.

And, it's great that your H encourages you to go! Mine does too. My T. asked that my H come once a month for jt sessions which have been good. s he's been able to describe transference and make him feel better about things. And, he's given her great insight on how he saw my mom treat me - things I must have suppressed.

Soccer Mom, I feel like I can relate to almost every single one of your posts. This quote from you just gave me one of those "aha" moments. This describes exactly how I feel during sessions with my T. I've never thought of it like this but it makes so much sense!

It's also good to know that your T doesn't always say the stuff that she knows you want to hear. My T knows that I sometimes say stuff to people to get them to say what I want to hear so she is careful not to give in when I try to do it to her (consciously or unconsciously).

I agree. Attachment sucks. I joined this place before I started with my T, and I remember asking what I could do to NOT get attached, because I know how I am. I don't let a lot of people in my personal life, but the ones I do, I tend to get fiercely attached to. How on earth can one fix this...when you just turn around and get attached to the person who's trying to help you? I had a session with my T yesterday, and I flat out told her that I care about her, and I hate that I do. She asked why. I said cuz it's not right. She said that therapy can't work well unless client and therapist care about each other. She told me she cares about me very much. I know she does. Even though she hurt me a great deal a month or so ago, I still care for her, I can be hurt, angry and lost, but the care doesn't go away. If I could have anything....I'd be like our beloved Stopdog. She has, what I think, is a healthy view on therapy. And I wish I could be more like her. (Stopdog, you intrigue me, you know that??LOL) I wish I could go into therapy, say what I need to say, stick up for myself, and not care what T thinks. And not think about T when I'm not there. But, T and I tend to keep in touch between sessions too...which I like, but also feel guilty and don't find it helpful in dealing with my attachment. There are times I've wanted to just text her to see if she's there. Well, I did do that once. Just sent her a hi, how are you text, and when she wrote me back, I responded with "just checking to see if you're still here." Her reply, "I'm here." you know how many people have said that in my lifetime? Very few. So it means a lot. I don't see how attachment can help with therapy at all. It just makes me feel pathetic. And now, more alone than ever. I have the folks here at PC, and I have a couple of Email friends I met through here. But talking about people in my life, in my area, I feel so alone. Attachment makes it worse.....

Dear Musinglizzy, Your T sounds awesome! I can't text him or e-mail. I do have his home # i only used once. I try not to cross boundaries but sometimes 2 weeks to wait seem like an eternity and I hope I don't lose control. I am glad he is not overly kind or nurturing because I would totally unravel. He has been very professional and has helped me a great deal. I am afraid one day I will have to navigate my life without his safety net!!!!Still, I wish desperately for someone in my life to nurture me. I am tired of being strong and reliable for everyone.

OK, I've been thinking about how to respond to this. First, I'm glad my response was helpful! The thing is, I can't really say how I get over attachment and transference because it's still there. The thing is, I think the attachment has shifted from an unhealthy, needy one, to a more healthy version. I think that was a result of MC telling me that his door is always open to me. Like I needed to hear that. That was only like a month ago, though, so it's still pretty new.

Going back, I'd been feeling the transference/attachment to MC for a couple months (it wasn't until like 18 months into seeing him) before I said anything to my T or him about it. Telling my T, who works with him and is friends with him (she referred H and I) was incredibly difficult. Like, all I could get out the first time was that sometimes I wished MC could hold me. And this was while crying. Then like 2 sessions later, I was like, "OK, I need to talk about the stuff with MC more," and she was like, "I kinda figured you would," and I went into it much deeper. Then she was trying to figure out how to handle it, because normally, you'd work through transference with the T, but with him being my MC rather than an individual T, it was complicated. She actually consulted with a couple colleagues to figure out what to do (and she's been in practice like 25 years!) Consensus was to ask for individual session, which is what I ended up doing.

Anyway, it's hard for me, because in a joint session, I can be talking about something upsetting, and MC is so much better at comforting me and making me feel better about myself than H. And having empathy. Like at home (or in session), if I'm crying, it's like H has no idea what to do. So I get what you're saying about wanting happy, sane wife at home and emotional wife with the T! Of course part of it is MC's training, but he also seems to be wired similarly to me, so I think he gets me because his brain works much like mine does. And he's had some issues with anxiety and insecurity (he's talked about them with us), so he gets me on a level that my H does not.

I mean, I know that MC is not that way all the time. He's not this constantly caring, empathic guy to his wife and kids. But I still imagine what it would be like to be married to him instead of my H, and just having someone that really understands me...

So my advice would be to talk to your T about it. It's scary, but I think it really helps. Likely, they've dealt with it before (mine had) and should know how to handle it. Talking about it takes the mystery away and should help you process it. If it is transference, then it could be about stuff you're missing in your current relationships, stuff from childhood, or both (mine falls under "both"). Figuring out where it comes from should help you be able to deal with it.

To be completely honest, I still think about MC all the time (sometimes in inappropriate ways ). But I also realize he's not this perfect person that I initially thought. I used to feel really needy in regards to him. But now that we've talked some about it, I feel less needy. I'm attached, but in an OK way, I think.

Hope this helps some!

Well, I will say my T IS awesome.... but I'm also very hurt by her right now. She was so kind and very nurturing with me. She made me feel so safe and cared about, I would leave sessions with more self confidence from that I never knew existed! She used to hold me when I cried. Very few have ever done that for me, I never felt worthy of it. T abruptly took that away, and I have been devastated since. Having trust issues with her now, and a lot of turmoil. No connection felt on my end. So of course, I don't understand how I can be disconnected from her, untrusting, yet still SO attached. It's pathetic.

Hiya Fuzzy, You are always so kind and supportive!!!Thank you

Thanks everyone for your replies and support. One week away from our actual chat about attachment/tranference. I felt better after reading your example and experiences. My biggest fear is that he will reject me somehow and that instead of accepting my fears he may suggest I stop therapy. To be honest, I'm not ready to stop and fear the day I will no longer have his support or help. He says he will be there for when I need him. I'm afraid my pride or shame will not allow me to reach out again for help from him or anyone else! Wish me luck, I love him and its not the erotic kind for sure. It's the I never had anyone care or listen to me kind! The I don't deserve his help but need it kind. God help me, i'm a mess I sound like a child who needs a caring parent.

Well, therapy is supposed to be the one place where it is ok to bring out those child-like feelings. For me (and some other people as well), therapy is also the only place where it is possible to actually discuss the feelings (positive or negative) I might have about the other person in the room, that is, T. It is relevant and interesting to explore not because of the T relationship itself, but because of other relationships that it is and isn't like, and because of what it might tell me about my other relationships.

I understand the fear of rejection. A good T won't reject you because of those feelings, though. I know that my T has never been anything other than validating of my feelings, whatever they may have been.... that doesn't mean that every T will be like that, but if they are doing their job like they are supposed to, they will.