Do not diagnose others or tell others how they should have acted

So true. It's the way I feel about that whole trigger thing they want us to do. We are supposed to be able to predict what might trigger someone else? Heck, I can barely predict what will trigger myself much less anyone else. People have to take some responsibility for their own reactions/triggers/responses to other people's comments. Unless a poster is being blatantly abusive in their manner of posting (which doesn't happen very often), most people post the best they can based on their own experience and knowledge. They may hit or miss the mark with any particular poster at any given time based on what a member is personally thinking and feeling at that moment. We can do what we can, but at some point, the reaction to a given response is ultimately only in the power of the person who has that reaction.

There are some posters whose posts I don't usually even read because I just find myself getting annoyed at them. It's not helping me or them by going there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am reminded of this Stephen Crane poem:

Once there came a man
Who said,
"Range me all men of the world in rows."
And instantly
There was terrific clamour among the people
Against being ranged in rows.
There was a loud quarrel, world-wide.
It endured for ages;
And blood was shed
By those who would not stand in rows,
And by those who pined to stand in rows.
Eventually, the man went to death, weeping.
And those who staid in bloody scuffle
Knew not the great simplicity.

True! .

I agree. There are posters who I do not read at all. There are also posters I simply do not read in certain types of threads. I think this is where the ignore thing comes in too.

I think most of us have had unpleasant experiences here and when it happens over and over you have to wonder why.

Ultimately it's a choice to come here though. Recently for me it's been a good exercise in learning that some people are just abusive and mean no matter how much therapy they receive and I'm glad we have the ignore button. I was personally attacked and people thanked the attacker. That was sad, but I realized I can only control me, not other people.

Advice-giving is a rich and complex subject.

Advice for Couples: Give Less Advice - WSJ

http://www.xojane.com/issues/i-dont-...-should-either

What's Behind Different Types of Unsolicited Advice?

I wonder why diagnosing anyone on a public forum should be allowed under ANY circumstances. On other forums the policy is that no one can give anyone a diagnosis or professional advice and that makes perfect sense to me because forums are not intended as a substitude for therapy. Why there is no such policy on this forum? Is this not a liability issue after all?

As for the rest, it is not really what is said but HOW it is said that makes a difference in terms of posts being supportive or judgmental. It is the intention behind the words that makes all the difference.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to come up with a well-defined objective criteria of what is and isn't supportive, and, so, IMO, it is moderators' subjective call to make that kind of judgment based on the specific situation.

Their decisions, however, should be transparent and clear to everyone here IMHO. If they want to make it a safe place, sending private messages and making people disappear quitely would not help. It'd do the opposite. It'd make people more anxious and confused about what's going on here, as they wouldn't know why certain people were banned from posting.

If the thread becomes contentious, the healthiest way to deal with it IMO is to address the specific problem right on the thread in a timely manner so everyone could see and understand the moderator's position, and this is how things are done on other forums.

Vague, generalized definition of what is and isn't supportive doesn't give anyone clarity of what is and isn't appropriate to post. It cannot possibly give that clarity because judgment and support are rather specific to each situation. Therefore, it'd be more helpful if the mods addressed SPECIFIC problems on SPECIFIC threads PUBLICLY rather then making people disappear quetely without explaining what's going on to the rest of the forum because that secrecy woud create tons of confusion and anxiety for other members.

There are so many tools on pc that already address all this (blocking, triggers etc.)

PC could add checkoff boxes saying things like
"want absolutely honest answers" or "please be gentle, I'm in a rough state"

But people learn to better cope by actually interacting with actual people. Everyone has a responsibility. If the mods see someone asking for a diagnosis, they can always post a reminder to the OP.

This nanny state of PC is a little frustrating. The message is that people here can't take it, but I know that this is a community of people who have a lot of strength. People learn by interacting. If they don't, that's what the ignore button is for.

I can relate to what you wrote about some experiences here perpetuating childhood pain as well as the debate you mentioned about whether to remain here. I think my feelings of worthlessness and feelings of invisibility have led me to the conclusion that I'm not being worthwhile or helpful to anyone and it's time for me to go.

One last thing I want to add-I think this forum is extremely beneficial for so many and I've seen countless members who go out of their way (often in the midst of their own struggles) to be supportive and helpful to others. I wish everyone peace and happiness.

I also feel invisible in this forum. My posts are almost always ignored. I'm sure this one will be too which makes me wonder why I have decided to post in this thread. It feels like I must be part of the clique to be heard. Yes, there is a clique in this forum. If one's perspective and experience differs from the majority they seem to be ignored.

This forum makes therapy appear rigid but in reality it isn't like that at all. Therapy is highly individual. I've been told this many times by the mental health professionals who work with me.

Usually, I come here to learn about therapy. I don't post about my therapy because it is private and my experiences seem to be different from most of the content posted here. In the past my threads have gotten limited response. It seems threads with self-harm and attachment issues get the most attention here. Perhaps this forum attracts a certain type of client population. I don't know. It would be great if other therapy experiences got attention too.

Sometimes I think about deleting my account. I've backed off a lot and have boundaries in place that allow me to keep my membership. PC is mainly a learning and social place for me. I have good support out in the real world from friends and family. Their opinions matter a lot more than words written by a stranger who knows absolutely nothing about me.

I know I'm not the most supportive or sensitive type of poster, but I try to be respectful.

I like seeing how others approach therapy because it is so very different from how I do it. Some threads I simply don't know what it is that is being asked of me or what it is that I am supposed to respond to.

I also really like some posters even though I do not understand some of their approaches to therapy and sometimes completely disagree with their type of responses to others on this forum. I can (and often do) disagree with but still like someone. The fact that we may disagree on any number of things does not lead to inability to get some benefit from the exchange. Sometimes I like the poster I disagree with more than the poster whose position I find more sympathetic.

I also wonder if there is a difference between having one's own personal experiences validated and supported versus having one's advice to others validated.

I've seen there's something about giving and receiving advice that seem to touch off primitive and core emotions. Advice receiving is the largest cause of contention in my real life relationships. I can only speculate the reason for the other person's hysteria: the mother/child metaphor, a need to be needed, establishing seniority, or a shattered self-image of being kind and sage. It also feels that "critics" are the most reactive when someone criticizes them.

I agree with ididitmyway's point that delivery is all important. I think a little thing like a pronoun can make the difference between seeming superior, talking to someone as if they're stupid (or reminding them of kindergarten) or imparting an opinion in a uncondescending, neutral way.

we hear you and understand and want to say we feel the same way. *hugs* if we were to share how things have progressed for us surely we would be ridiculed and or ostracized but feel there is still something to be gained by remaining ♥♥♥

Wen I see someone asking advice if I've had similar experience I'll comment on my experience. Wat I like about this is seeing im not alone. I don't think anyone else can help me (besides listening) unless it's a math Prob. And I know I can't help anyone eithor except by reading and saying I been there. Ain't i the good girl.

Kathi

Sorry for the long response... And if it's off topic

I have contacted a moderator numerous times to try to understand what's right and what's not okay. Some moderators are great at explaining things to me. Others... I just asked to be referred to the ones who do explain.

As far as recently, I try to stay off of others posts. I worry that because of my own current issues, I cannot be fully supportive as I would want to be. Last thing I want it to make something worse for someone else. So I just stick to my one thread mostly for now.

As for appreciation of other members, I realize we are all different and are at different places in our lives. For those who read my thread, those who stop in to say hi, or those who post, I appreciate them all. I appreciate opinions, perspectives, and advice even if I don't agree with them. The only thing I don't like is rudeness or pushing one's own beliefs on me. But still, it means a lot that anyone read a post of mine, so I read all the posts and thank them all. No one is required to read or respond to anything, so I am grateful for each and everything I do receive.

For those who feel ignored, I actually do understand. For quite awhile I felt the same here. In fact, what really changed things for me was my recent trauma with losing my T. Before that, I struggled with feeling like I fit in. I struggled with getting to know the different people here and what type of support they were looking for. And because I didn't know how to respond, I wound up starting a few arguments But I just kept going back to the moderators to figure out what I was doing.

We do have some great moderators here on PC.

And lastly, about the original topic of diagnosing... imo it's a fine line. Some OPs compare themselves to a diagnosis or even say they have a diagnosis. It's a normal human thing to try to organize and categorize things. There is already a disclaimer at the bottom of the page: "The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here." So I don't "think" people are intentionally trying to diagnose anyone. I have BPD. If someone said "Scarlet, you're seeing things in black and white like BPD", that's not them diagnosing. Even if I didn't have BPD and they said that, I wouldn't see that as diagnosing. And if I thought their perception is wrong, I would say so.

The only thing I see as a major issue is when people "hop on the bandwagon" with things. Transference is a big one. Not everyone suffers from transference but that is what some seem to think. Or I see an OP disagree with something so a bunch of people try to convince the OP otherwise. And what's frustrating for me, I want to step in and speak up for the OP, but then I get "in trouble" for being part of the disagreement. (One of the main reasons I'm not posting as much).

Idk. I like this place. You all have been here when I really truly needed you. PC isn't perfect. There's no such thing as Utopia. And we all make up this forum so we each have to take some responsibility too.

For those who feel left out, please don't give up. Keep posting. Bump your own thread. Not everyone responds, but the majority of us do read. You are cared about. Just sometimes our own life gets in our way.

I agree. We all have responsibility here.

I'm somewhat new, but not really I've been reading along for awhile. Personally, I think if someone is in a really rough state and just wants support/validatiom, they should state that. Otherwise, if you post something, you are opening up yourself to other peoples opinion. That's life, sorry. (Now, if someone is just being unkind or hateful that's different. For example, "you are stupid for what you said." ) I don't always agree with the people that reply to my posts, but that's okay. If they are dead wrong, I understand they can't understand my situation from a simple post. As far as diagnosing, if someone posts saying do you think I have such and such? I think it is reasonable for a person to say it sounds like you do or don't; although, they shouldn't claim to have a definitive answer. It would a problem if the replies were coming from someone who claimed to be a mental health expert, but they're not. Just my two cents.

In terms of delivery, I'd like to add that my understanding of giving an opinion in a neutral, uncondensending way is that the one who expresses the opinion doesn't insist, implicitly or explicitly, that their opinion should be accepted as the absolute unquestionable truth and doesn't imply that there is something wrong with those who don't accept "the truth" let alone personally attacking those who dare to think differently. I've observed enough ad hominem attacks on this forum, including those directed at me, and enough amateur self-designated "therapists" here, who attempt to analyze anyone whose opinion they don't like, to start wondering about how moderation is done here. It seems to me that stopping this type of behavior right at the moment when it happens and at the specific thread where it happens would help to create safety much more than generally instructing everyone not to be judgmental.

And people who give advice that is rejected should not get upset about that as well. That kind of thinking works both ways. I think it's easier said than done though sometimes. Most of us are struggling and sometimes people are really emotional when they post and it would be good to have some mercy and compassion and forgiveness. Or just stay off the thread that upsets you.

I see people get triggered by posters who remind them of their father/mother/sister/brother/neighbor/whoever and they can't seem to get beyond that triggered feeling and they seem to take out their anger and frustration on the poster.

I agree with you. I think any post should contain mercy and compassion, even if it's an advice peice. I just also think a little discloser on the part of an OP would be necessary in many circumstances. No one needs all the details. Also, other posters can't fully understand all of someone's circumstances. This needs to be understood. If a poster knows they have a specific trigger, they should state that. The problem is this a text wall service. I don't/can't know what may/may not be triggering unless someone tells me. Also, it may actually benefit someone to here a different perspective which can be a huge part of support, but it depends on the circumstances. No replier can be expected to know all of the circumstances.

I also HUGELY agree that if someone's advice is not taken, they need to let it be.

I can't respond to many posts these days, nor do I ever start threads for my own issues. I'm someone who will relate something similar I've experienced to the OP's issue, and I've been that way my whole life. It makes me think I'm showing the other person "I've been through x,y,z and I really understand how that feels." I've been informed that it really invalidates the OP and that a LOT of people don't want to hear about my problems on their thread, where they came to post about their problems.

Advice is also something I try to avoid, but I have posted "have you thought about doing so-and-so, I've heard this type of activity helps." I have had people misconstrue that type of comment as advice-giving, so I don't do that either.

It's basically "hello, goodbye, here's a funny thing that happened with my cats, here's an important thing happening in my kid's life, etc." I have censored myself down to practically nothing.

Not helping anyone!

Idk Stressed, I like to hear from people who have had experiences similar to mine and how they felt about it/dealt with it. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. I'm not shy about sharing my own experiences either if I feel they're relevant.

To begin, I do not quite know how to post an original thread, so I am using this reply window from last post.

1) A post that really bothered me stated (paraphrase) ".Everyone in the Emotional Support room were losers. If their problems as so bad, they should be in a mental hospital, not on this site. I am not going to be someone's free therapist and waste my energy."

2)I believe the ignore option should be a two way street. It is unfair, in my opinion, that when I place someone on ignore, that person can still read my posts and secretly, without my knowledge, continue to turn personal information about me into fodder for their own amusement, with the help of others (few, granted) to just joke about. I believe that to be just cruelty for cruelty's sake. Laughing about some ones personal struggles is mean. But no chat host has ever intervened in my experience. Making a complaint to a moderator is often useless and causes retaliation by the person you report. I feel afraid from how this site is set up.