[notwithhaste]

Long story short, my T promised that she would never abandon me. She nearly broke that promise a couple of weeks ago -- she told me that she “couldn’t do this anymore.” But then she changed her mind, and now she says that she “isn’t going anywhere.” But she won’t PROMISE, like she did before.

She says that she can’t make promises like that to me because it would constitute “taking me in as family,” and she can’t do that. She “has responsibilities to her family.” She says that she screwed up when she made that promise to me.

But she also says that I need to learn to accept that these things happen in relationships. People make promises, wanting to be able to keep them, and then they aren’t able to, and they end up breaking their promises. It “isn’t humanly possible” to always keep your promises – and she wasn’t being malicious; she made the promise because she really wanted to be able to keep it.

It sounds to me like her basic position is that, because she is human, she will inevitably end up breaking some of her promises, and if I want to have a relationship with her, I need to learn to accept that – and that acceptance will allow me to have better relationships outside of therapy, as well, because I will be able to tolerate people’s very human failings.

Am I wrong to expect more from a therapist? If I have “trust issues,” should I be able to expect a T to tread very carefully around those issues so as to not cause more damage? Or is that just unrealistic? Am I asking for too much?

I'm afraid to talk to T about it. I'm afraid that she will leave. And I feel like I should seek a second opinion, but I'm afraid to do that, too. Posting on here and getting feedback feels helpful...I hope I'm not annoying everyone with my posts. Thank you for reading.

[musinglizzy]

As hard as it is for those of us with trust issues, Ts should NOT be making promises, except ethically, like confidentiality, etc. Making a promise never to abandon you is not good because both of you may have differing beliefs on what "abandoning" means. She may say "I can't do this anymore," and then refer you somewhere else. To her, that isn't abandoning you because she referred you to someone else, but for you, that would feel like an abandonment. Make sense? She shouldn't be promising. It's just cause for heartache down the road.

She's right. She shouldn't making promises about never leaving, about always being there. Life doesn't work that way as much as we'd like it to. Her intentions were probably honorable at the time; she wanted to give you reassurance. But no one in this life can make that promise. I mean, I can't even make that promise to my husband or children or vice versa. Things happen. Usually unexpectedly.

It doesn't mean people don't want to be there forever; it doesn't mean they intend to leave. But it happens. Life happens. Change happens. In all relationships. That doesn't mean we can't trust. It just means we have to understand that life is unpredictable and messy at times. I trust the people in my life to treat me with respect and caring. I trust they won't intentionally cause me harm. But does that mean they will never make mistakes? Does that mean what they hoped to be able to do won't change? No.

It doesn't sound like your therapist set out to cause harm, but she realized she may have made an error and is trying to correct that error as best she can. You can certainly seek out another therapist, but understand, no therapist can make you the promise to never leave and truly mean it. It is unrealistic.

[stopdog]

The one I see used the word promise a few times and each time she broke it the promise within weeks. I finally told her since I did not think she knew what the word meant, she needed to quit using it.
I don't think it is a word therapists should use.

[divine1966]

I think therapist could promise that if they have to terminate they would refer you to a good t. Or that they would give you advanced time notice. I read on here how many therapists say they will never leave. That's beyond silly. For real they plan on always be there? They have no business saying such things.

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[ManOfConstantSorrow]

'my T promised that she would never abandon me.'Did you not think it strange that she should make such an open ended, unconditional promise? Not doubt Ts mean well if they are foolish enough to do this, but perhaps such statements should not go unchallenged.

It's one thing to be honest with a client when things are not working out but my T went behind my back and broke the most sacred promise of confidentiality in T/client relationship. He intentionally hurt me, not once, not twice but hundreds of times over. He hated me and instead of telling me kindly that he wanted to get rid of me, he set out to destroy every aspect of my life that had any meaning. I don't know that I can trust anyone in my personal life anymore - including those I felt were like my family. Tensions are very high because everyone is suspect. This is what my T did to me. He broke a lot more than promises, he broke the ethical code of confidentiality. He abandoned me at a critical time, after I learned of his deceit and betrayal.

My T says she can't make promises. Nor should she.

[ruh roh]

I'm so sorry. It's incredibly hurtful to have a therapist bounce around like that, especially where the existing wound is so deep. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a therapist to be careful around things like this. The problem is that she was wrong to ever make that promise to begin with. There are other ways to create a sense of safety and stability without a promise that no one can reasonably make. Mine has never made a promise, and I haven't asked for one; her steadiness has been reassurance enough.

I'd say it's an experience thing, but I've seen here on the forum where therapists with decades of experience are bungling things as badly as a new therapist. It's crazy.

[silverlining345]

I don't think therapists should make promises. My therapist once told me that he would never abandon me or fire me, but one time, he was upset and said something about termination. That was when we had a big rupture. It definitely makes it more painful if someone makes promises and then breaks them.

Sorry that you are going through this.

[unaluna]

Imo, people are missing the point of the promises. Its the intention behind them that needs to be internalized by the client at the time the promise is made. Like clap your hands to make tinkerbell fly or whatever. Then that part of you heals, and you move on to the next developmental task. Its not - you get to eighth grade and ask for a promise from first grade to be fulfilled - we will color every day! You are past that promise now. Sorry if this sounds like blaming the client, thats not how i mean it - there is a miscommunication in what the promise meant to both parties.

Therapists who make promises like that are being stupid. It's borderline unethical. They should not put unrealistic ideas in a client's head.

She made a huge mistake, but she admitted it (which is amazing) and she seems to be trying to be realistic now.

I know it is hard to accept, but somehow you have to.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

Imo, people are missing the point of the promises. Its the intention behind them that needs to be internalized by the client at the time the promise is made. Like clap your hands to make tinkerbell fly or whatever. Then that part of you heals, and you move on to the next developmental task. Its not - you get to eighth grade and ask for a promise from first grade to be fulfilled - we will color every day! You are past that promise now. Sorry if this sounds like blaming the client, thats not how i mean it - there is a miscommunication in what the promise meant to both parties.

I disagree with this. Who has the same teacher from 1st grade through 8th grade unless they live in the little house on the prairie? Second - broken promises of love/devotion/care etc are the basis for most if not all divorces - do you expect people to move past that promise easily? Unless a therapist explains that it is the intention and that they are using the word promise unlike every other person except politicians, then I think it is a word they should avoid at all costs. Or perhaps just think of them as politicians and don't believe anything they say. That woman I see, when she tried to bring her dog back in after promising it would never happen again - said she thought, without checking in with me, I had softened on my stance about no dog at the appointment. Why would I have softened and why on earth would a therapist fail to ask or check before testing? Particularly after having asked me if I could let myself be reassured by her promise? And I stupidly was reassured until her breach. Then I forbade her from using the word promise.
They should not use that word

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I disagree with this. Who has the same teacher from 1st grade through 8th grade unless they live in the little house on the prairie?

Who is the same person they were 7 years earlier? I hope i have grown and changed, and that im not stuck in the past. That my promises have grown with me. Coloring every day may no longer be appropriate, but something else might be. The spirit, not the letter, of the law.

Eta - i agree, your t broke both the spirit and the letter of the law re her dog.

This strikes me as a glass half full / half empty discussion.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

Who is the same person they were 7 years earlier? I hope i have grown and changed, and that im not stuck in the past. That my promises have grown with me. Coloring every day may no longer be appropriate, but something else might be. The spirit, not the letter, of the law.

I disagree when dealing with therapists. I also believe people can still be the core of who they were 7 years later. And no - that is not the spirit or the letter of the law. Particularly not when dealing with those people.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I disagree when dealing with therapists. I also believe people can still be the core of who they were 7 years later. And no - that is not the spirit or the letter of the law. Particularly not when dealing with those people.

You bring up a good point. I think i have changed at my core due to this last round of therapy.

Hijack over. Sorry!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

You bring up a good point. I think i have changed at my core due to this last round of therapy.

Hijack over. Sorry!

I like my core - it is something I do not plan on changing nor do I want it to. The woman is not allowed near it.

Almost three years ago on PC this was a hot topic, because so many people were being abandoned similar to now, by their therapist with rupture and no repair. One of the arguments was what if the therapist dies? I put all the arguments on PC out to my therapist. She explained to me that I was bright enough to understand that if she was dead that there, “Ain’t nothing I can do about that." She was trying to get me to think cognitively. The adult me knows life is life, and understands reality. It was the crazy part, i.e the irrational kid part that needed the promise in order to trust. As an adult I was always quite aware that I would not put blind trust in anyone without attaching the realities of life to the situation. We make promises to kids all the time. I did promise my once 3 year old kid often to not abandon him or leave him, or be there to pick him up when he was done with some activity. Well, the gods were angry with me on his behalf the first time I couldn’t pick him up and sent a safe person to fetch him. He survived, and the trust is there only because, he had a safe base to go back. His foundation was solid, mine was not.

The decision to abandon me and the process of therapy would not be made unless we both agreed on it. My therapist would not make that unilateral decision, but we would continue to plug away, until I called it quits and she agreed. That was what I understood from her, my therapist. But, even before this understanding, I set upon being me, and doing what I could to test her. A month and three days before we terminated was the last “fight" I fought with her, about tacking the last big hurdle in my life and therapy (I have two threads: Mission Accomplished, and Happy Ending to Mission accomplished). She survived, we survived, in spite of inadequate parenting. A thought just occurred to me. Every time we started a major chapter of work is when the abandonment fears were the worst, and I was the least cooperative ( forcing her hand to kick me out), she didn’t. A big fear for me is a fear of succeeding.

Not everyone is looking for or needs the, “I will not abandon you" promise. But, many of us that had insecure attachment or disorganized attachment during our early growing years, wants or appreciates that promise in helping us move forward. I could not do the work, because abandonment was so linked to trust and the process of my therapy.

My therapist kept her promise, and reiterated it many times throughout the process, “I am not going to abandon you. The termination of my therapy was not a messy one, leaving me in dark despair, the decades of suicidal thoughts that had become a second skin to me and the chaotic family life that had been mine since conception when I appeared on her doorstep. Her promise was the first layer of cement of my inner foundation to help me move forward in therapy and life. I was an adult with a child, so I had to work on healing my past at the same time I was building our future.

If you think I am difficult on PC, just think what I was in a therapist office 6 to 8 hours a week. I am glad my therapist was solid enough to keep her promise and not abandon me. i do believe there are more therapist out there that are and can do it. Even, within the traditional parameter of therapy. The caveat is that both players have a working definition of the statement, “I won’t abandon you.”

I am sending positive thoughts your way, notwithhaste.

[ruh roh]

I've had too many mh providers leave in just the past year alone--moving, retirement and, most recently, death--to ask for that kind of commitment. At this point, it works for me to know that my therapist is the type that doesn't bounce around with all the changing of the mind stuff.

I think also as adults we can't be abandoned. We can be let down.

But for me before and during therapy the kid felt abandoned by people. The adult me has learned to meet the needs of the crazy kid part that feared abandonment. The adult me was not always present throughout the whole session, especially when there was important work to be done. Though I had an adult body I used to feel abandoned and alone in this world.

Abandonment to me is just a word. I don't really care what it is called. Many codes of ethics for therapist/counselors/psychologists use the words abandon and abandonment though so they obviously think adults can be abandoned. Whatever it is it's very painful.

[stopdog]

Abandonment is not where my concerns lie. I don't really worry about being abandoned by a therapist.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by hankster

Imo, people are missing the point of the promises. Its the intention behind them that needs to be internalized by the client at the time the promise is made. Like clap your hands to make tinkerbell fly or whatever. Then that part of you heals, and you move on to the next developmental task. Its not - you get to eighth grade and ask for a promise from first grade to be fulfilled - we will color every day! You are past that promise now. Sorry if this sounds like blaming the client, thats not how i mean it - there is a miscommunication in what the promise meant to both parties.

Exactly because things do change over time t shouldn't make promises that clearly are unreasonable.

This is a professional relationship we are discussing. Not the same as two lovers promised to always be there and then one fell out of love. It is a professional making a promise to a client that isn't even possible to achieve.

If you want to use school analogy: will never leave you and we will be coloring some pages every Monday is clearly not the same thing.

When I tell my students that we always start a class with XYZ activity, even the most naive child would understand I mean for the duration of the class not that 50 years from now I am on my death bed and still will be doing that activity with them.

In fact even when I promise we will do XYZ activity I specify that there are circumstances we won't do the activity ( half day or before the test etc).

This t made ridiculous promise. I personally don't need t to always be there and have no issue with t abandoning me as I am not attached. So I would just laugh if she said something that stupid. But if t knows client is attached saying such things is just evil



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[unaluna]

That raises the question - what if the t was speaking to your "inner child" in making that promise so she expected you to take it figuratively, but you dont believe in or dong understand the inner child concept, so you took it literally. Should a t NOT speak to your inner child, even though it seems very present to her? Or would you rather she join you in your denial of it? Talking rationally to you about it just brings up resistance. -- all this is why i am not a t! I think its hard enough breaking through unconscious resistance - conscious "talkable, logical" resistance makes me even more crazy!