Is it unusual?

Have you been talking to my T? She does that a lot and it IS painful. She will say somethign that hurts and then remind me that it's reality and compare it to other life situations. But, I do find that it pushes me along more than if I had her sympathy. OMG - I can't believe I just wrote that last sentence.

that's definitely a part of it, and I know I also miss the way he would compliment my writing, the way my mind works, and he would describe me as 'highly intelligent' and I think I missed out on that kind of encouragement as a child, or indeed in my adult relationships.
That's not the only thing I miss, but it is hard to have had that so briefly in my life and then not to have it anymore.

There will be other people that come into your life who will appreciate all your wonderful qualities. You just have to be open to find them.

When my T left me, I had to depend on the county to help me. And they did. My group facilitator and Pdoc all stepped up and I even met a really nice counselor. The first T I interviewed was nice, but not what I was looking for. New T was exactly who I was looking for. But if I wasn't looking or wasn't open to having someone new in my life, I wouldn't have found new T.

I know you already have a T, but maybe there's more quality people out there. Ones who will appreciate you and won't take advantage of you. If you found one person, you can find another. And maybe that is what's missing for you to heal. You need that support and encouragement and validation irl, on top of what you get from here.

Thanks. I am starting to realise a huge part of this is that I miss feeling deeply appreciated and cared for. I used to have that in my marriage but H hasn't been the same man since a huge bereavement a couple of years ago, he's angry and frustrated at the world now and doesn't have much time for my feelings.
I like my current T and I like working with him, but he doesn't fill that particular hole for me. There's more to my feelings towards T1 than that, but I do miss how worthwhile he made me feel.

Whoa! Good insight FKM! Stuck in time emotionally is exactly how I would put my feelings/fantasies/whatever about previous T.

Echoes, to answer your question, I don't think it's unusual. I feel similarly about previous T. It's just the way I am, I hold onto relationships, even when they're not there anymore. I am finally-finally starting to transfer desires/needs out of the fantasy of previousT and into the real relationship with T. It's taken a lot of time though. I haven't seen previous T in almost two years.

Fantasy is harsh, but that's what it is - a relationship with the idea of someone in your mind, but not the actual person in real life.

I think it's hard to hear the word "fantasy" as not harsh. It just has connotations of "all in your head" and divorced from reality. But I think all relationships have elements of fantasy, in the more neutral sense of seeing attributes in the other that we choose to see (projections of our wants/needs perhaps). As long as the attributes aren't too far off the mark or destructive, and the other accepts and adopts them, the relationship benefits.
Maybe this is what is going on when people say a couple "grows together." Each makes a choice to modify their self ( in ways that don't conflict with core values) to become more of what the other wants/needs and it can lend stability to the relationship.

In a therapy relationship, the same dynamic can happen--and is maybe even heightened for a therapeutic purpose. It's more often unconscious for the client (and occasionally so for the T), but if the situation allows, the dynamic can become conscious and a lot can be learned through that process. While the purpose may be therapeutic, I don't believe that means the relationship is fake; on the contrary, I don't think therapy can be successful unless there are genuine feelings on both sides--even if they're often not the same feelings.

My pdoc has done this with me too. Especially a few years back when I was particularly stuck. Sometimes he was harsher than I'd have liked, but it served a purpose. It hurt but ultimately pushed me in a direction that was better for me and I was glad for it.

I don't think this T is suggesting that anything is all in her head, just that what she once had doesn't exist anymore - at least not in the way that it once did. Spending a lot of time thinking or fantasizing about someone we have intense feelings for about and miss is totally normal. However, if you find yourself focusing on those thoughts rather than the here and now, then it's not healthy anymore; it's even worse if those thoughts keep you in a perpetual state of grief and sadness. Fantasy is not a negative term, but it this context it feels like it because we don't want to see it for what it is.

That being said, I don't think fantasy in "real" relationships after a certain point (like the "honeymoon phase") is always healthy, because it keeps blinders on us and we continue to block out the negative aspects of someone or aren't see something for what it really is. Learning to adopt certain untruths can keep one in an unhealthy, even abusive situation. Of course there are traits we don't like about every one, but I don't think we fantasize that they aren't there in healthy relationships, I think we learn to accept those traits.

So to me, growing with someone means a) We accept the reality of a person and they accept ours and we still like each other b) we both change in ways that complement each other and the relationship grows/ changes in a good way or c) we see the reality and don't like it or realize it not what we need anymore and we move on. Too much fantasy can keep someone stuck in limbo, hoping something will change or happen but it never does. That's when a reality check by someone we trust- T or someone else- can be helpful.

I think there's a difference between extended mourning and "fantasy." Is it actually fantasy? Like do you believe the two of you are in love or anything like that? Or are you grievinh heavily and missing him? I don't think either is "normal" in thr sense that it's definitely been long enough that it's really sad and painful that it hurts so badly... But not that it's necessarily "fantasy." i know that I personally have a really difficult time with endings and feeling abandoned and just missing someone to the point of agony for a really long time, but I think it has more to do with lack of security and depressive rumination than "fantasy." I horribly miss the relationship and love I had for my T but I know that she hurt me and it wouldn't be safe for me to go back... So no fantasy there. I really think HOW you are thinking about him matters. But, either way, that you need help and not judgement.

oh dear I can really relate to what you're going through and the intensity of the emotions we can have for someone that they won't go away in few months...
but at the same time I think you better help yourself, shake your mind. remember that you are a unique individual. u have inner power and u can be emotionally independent and strong so u won't need your ex-T or anyone else to complete u or make u feel good.
start thinking about all the new amazing things you can do in ur life cause you are great!!!
hope It helps you

That being said, I don't think fantasy in "real" relationships after a certain point (like the "honeymoon phase") is always healthy, because it keeps blinders on us and we continue to block out the negative aspects of someone or aren't see something for what it really is. Learning to adopt certain untruths can keep one in an unhealthy, even abusive situation. Of course there are traits we don't like about every one, but I don't think we fantasize that they aren't there in healthy relationships, I think we learn to accept those traits.

This^ isn't at all what I've said.

b) we both change in ways that complement each other and the relationship grows/ changes in a good way

This^ reflects my point. The changes we make are conscious and freely chosen.

I apologize for misunderstanding your point. I guess mine is a bit different anyway, in that I don't think this T isn't suggesting that there is/was anything fake about the therapeutic relationship. I think she is trying to get the OP away from ruminating over what she had with T1. I think she used the term fantasy to remind her that the memories are no longer the reality and to help her stay engaged in the present.

Thank you everyone, reading the exchange that has taken place on this thread since I last logged on has been really useful to me, there has been lots of useful perspectives, and the one thing that has been universal to all the posts is that I have found them all very supportive, and I really appreciate that
I do think 'fantasy' was quite an emotive word choice from my T, and I can see both sides of that debate and I can see a lot of it depends on interpretation. It still doesn't sit 100% well with me and really I agree with PinkFlamingo that it more resembles mourning, though FKM has a point that fantasy/projection exists to a point in all relationships. Lauliza, I agree that T wasn't trying to suggest it was fake and was trying to help me look forward. Thanks for that.
Thanks JustShakey, its helpful to know that these feelings will change eventually.
This thread has been so useful for me to process this. For the first time I have realised that my changing relationship with H has affected my feelings for T1. Shame I'm not seeing T for nearly two weeks so its a while before I can discuss this!

I still miss my friend I lost three years ago. When you lose relationship with someone you even really didnt have it, it hurts more, you always have a dream how it would be if you were together. If you are in therapy with anyone else, his existence makes you remember about ex t, many things can make you remember. When you will fall in love again, your feelings for ex t would become weaker, we always remember our last love when there is no new love.