I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS ONE

I really screwd up the last time I seen my therapist....If I could stick my head in a hole I would .....Im so ashamed .
For over a year now Ive been seeing a therapist .Appointments are usually about once a month.This last appointment I did my usual "what my month was like " thing when,at the end of the session , he asks me how I feel about ending the sessions.
I was relieved in a way because quite frankly I hate talking about how I feel...I really get bummed out after sessions,and rethinking my "ways of coping"...has been a real challenge to say the least.
What freaked me out however is in the last 1 and a half hour rant,I never told him about come serious self harming that I had done.
After he asked this I paused for a bit ,not knowing what to say and figured I better come clean.
Right away T says" How come you didnt mention that"
I told him I never got around to it..........IM SUCH A PATHETIC LOSER.....
So he set another for me.Im due back in a week.
Thats not the worst part.....right after this happened....or that night I engaged In more self harm.......I was was so mad at myself.I dont want to go back....but Im too afraid to cancel.I dont know how to handle this, I feel so STUPID.

You're not stupid. You are in PAIN and your T made a good call on wanting to see you again so soon. Be straight with him and tell him you cut again..I think this may need a trigger icon? You cut cause you are in pain and it sounds like seeing him more will help you express how you feel in safer ways

I seen T apr fri the 13th.....I see him in a week.He didnt seem worried....set apt for 4 weeks later .....hes prob annoyed,frustrated with me.I dont blame him.

I am sure he cares and is somewhat worried. Annoyed I do not know, it's their job not to let it get to them. Could you be more annoyed and maybe thinnk he is? Thats just a thought I have no clue. I just hope you go see him and talk it out

(((dreamrunner)))

not pathetic, not a loser, not stupid....in a lot of emotional pain. You are handling this just the way you should. You made the extra appointment, so just do the next right thing and go. (I know, easier said than done, but you've already done the hard part and you don't have to talk about anything you are not ready to, sometimes just being there will be enough).

I just feel so stupid that I never tell the whole truth.....AVOID,AVOID AVOID....Thats one thing I am good at.I just think I waste his time.I do listen to the things hes said however Im so afraid of telling him stufff.I wish I could trust .I try but I always hold back.It makes me so mad.
Thanks 4 listening.

You didn't screw up. You just did what you were comfortable doing. and that's okay. Just keep going and let it happen and try not to judge yourself. It takes time to feel comfortable and that amount of time is different for everyone. Going monthly doesn't seem ideal for establishing trust and comfort so even though it's been a year it has only been 12 spread out sessions. Give it more time.

I'm not sure what prompted his asking about terminating, but if it was me I'd have to ask him.

Go back in a week and see how it goes. Weekly might work better for you; a month is a long stretch to go between sessions.

Hello ((((((((((DREAMRUNNER))))))))))
I am very sorry you are feeling conflicted about your decision to tell your therapist about your SI. It sounds as if your therapist wants to make the best out of your therapies by scheduling you so soon after you told him about the SI. You are very HEROIC in wanting the help you deserve for yourself and the feelings that you are having at this time, that you are having a hard time expressing. I hope you can get the help you need now that your therapist is more aware of your problems and the needs you have at this time. Take care. Soidhonia

Thats the thing....he didnt set an appointment right away.....He asked me when I had another fri off.He didnt seem concerned.The session had ended with him affirming my progress....the whole time I was thinking about all the stuff I held back,almost knowing what he was leading up to.
My therapist is private or rather paid for by insurance.Therapy is only meant for short term.
I also drive 2hrs to get to the city where T's office is located.
Thanks to all who have responded.It means so much to me to vent and feel understood.

It's okay, Dream. It's ok. I didn't tell my T about my self-harm until awhile into seeing him. I still have a difficult time telling him.

Why do you feel pathetic?

You know, if you only see your T once per month, sometimes a lot of stuff gets "filtered out." I'm sure you have a lot to talk about.... and if the unconscious isn't ready to let something out.... well, then it won't.

The fact that the information came out at the end is not a coincidence... it's a way of saying... now I'm going to tell you something detrimental at the end because I don't want you to leave me.

And that's okay.

You take care of yourself.

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dreamrunner said:
My therapist is private or rather paid for by insurance.Therapy is only meant for short term.

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I'm glad that you at least told him about your SI...that is a good move.

Now that sentence above! That is my trigger. My T is the same takes insurance and meant to be short term...that is why I am so suspicious when he mentions graduation...another trigger. Don't worry though your post is NOT upsetting to me. Just a reminder that I need to bring this up again next session...

Pinksoil,
I feel pathetic because I know Im ill and I cant control it
because everytime I think Im better....I do something crazy like hurt myself,
because I hate myself,
because Im so tired of being like this
because I should not have held back in therapy
because theres no reason for me to unhapppy
because I must be self centered to not appreciate the wonderful life I have.
I was very disturbed by the comment you made about not wanting to end therapy.I do want it to end but I guess I know Im not ready.I know you never meant to upset me but I guess you hit a nerve.
I appreciate all your help.Its so good to hear a non judgmental point of view.