Wondering if I need to change T's

I've been seeing my individual T for 3.5 years. She was extremely helpful to me for what I initially went there for--panic attacks that seemed much worse since having my daughter. Since then, we've been working on things like marriage issues, parenting issues, grad school stress (that's all done with!), generalized anxiety (she did help me a little with that before), issues with my parents, some childhood stuff, and lately transference for my marriage counselor (initially erotic and paternal, now mostly paternal--for more background, see my many threads on that!), and a bit of maternal transference for her.

I've posted plenty about my connection to my marriage counselor and how I just feel like he gets me more. I was thinking (OK, crying, too) today about some of that stuff and how it seems like most of my understandings and "aha!" moments in the past year or so have been related to stuff he's said, rather than my T. I wish I could switch to him being my T, but I don't know if that's possible, partly because of the marriage counseling--though H and I could switch to someone else--but mainly because of how he's been lately regarding the transference. I may try asking him, but I'm 99.9% sure what his answer would be.

But then I was thinking--in terms of the "aha!" moments, is it just about my connection with MC? Or could it also be about a lack of connection with my T? They're very different people with very different therapy styles. So it may be that I just need someone with more my MC's style (or even further in that direction). And/or it could be that my T has been helpful to me to a certain point, but we've gone as far as we can together. And it might help me to have a new perspective and possibly a different therapy style.

How do you come to this decision? This came up briefly with her last year, but then I was like, "No, no, I want to stick with you!" But lately I find myself telling people, "She's great!" then maybe have trouble thinking exactly what's so great about her for me right now. I may also be having issues with the fact that she never hugs me (or even gives me a pat on the shoulder or handshake). This didn't bother me till she said a few months ago that she does hug some clients. When I finally got up the nerve to ask why not me, she said it's because I have some maternal transference. Which has been bothering me...

I'm thinking if I do consider switching T's (assuming MC gives me the expected answer) that I might want to try someone with a different therapy style. Many of you have mentioned T's that are OK with touch or that use transference as a tool in therapy rather than an obstacle. (And who would maybe say something other than "That's very nice" if I told them I loved them--referring to T here, not MC, incidentally.)

So does it sound like I need a change? If so, any suggestions on how to find someone like I'm describing? Or would that type of person even be good for me? Thanks for any feedback!

or maybe now u are strong enough and have the ability to be all on ur own and don't need a T at all? consider that and of course dont consider going to a T who you have strong emotions for, that would just bother you and gets nowhere.
best wishes...

I was talking to a seasoned psychologist a couple of months ago. We discussed some of the ins and outs of therapy. This psychologist told me that there will come a time when I will outgrow my current T (whom I absolutley love) and need to look for a new T (doesn't seem plausible, but I know deep down it is). Reason being is that as clients heal, their needs start to change. There will likely come a time when a new T will be able to provide new, fresh perspectives in a clients life, which will better facilitate growth and change at a new level. So perhaps this is true, and you are at that point in therapy.

You're probably right that your mc can't take you on as an individual client. I don't know the guidelines around that. I only know one person who was in couples counseling. She wanted to continue with the therapist after her relationship ended, but the therapist wanted to wait a couple years, and then would agree only if the other partner was okay with it.

As for switching individual therapists, it really depends on what issues you have left to work on. From your posts, it sounds like your pain is coming from marriage counseling. Would it help to find another mc, rather than a new individual therapist?

That makes sense. This is just the longest I've been with the same T (longest before this was a year or two maybe--longer with p-docs, but that's a different kind of relationship). It did seem at one point like she was uncertain of how to help me, particularly when it switched to marriage issues. Which led to the whole marriage counseling thing. And then I guess we just kept working together.

You have been with your T for a long time, a change of T could do you some good. A new T might give you other insights.
Finding a T that fits you describing could be hard. If you want a male T, you could look for male T's and interview a few. I don't know if that type of person would be good for you. Maybe you won't even find one of them good enough because there aren't MC?

That could be a slightly different situation if her relationship ended. I'm still with my husband, and I assume he'd consent. But MC seems like he'd want to be careful with boundaries, so I could see there being some of waiting period if he'd even agree to it. It's just kind of weird because often in there we'll end up talking about stuff that's my issues (like my relationship with my parents, etc.), and MC and H seem fine to work on that stuff (probably because my issues ultimately affect my marriage), so some weeks I feel like I'm getting bonus individual therapy. And then I did have those couple individual sessions with MC a few months ago around the transference thing, plus we talked on the phone a couple times recently to attempt to address other things. (As you likely know, since you've commented on some of those threads I believe.)

Regarding your second point, I considered that too. Actually I don't even know how much we need counseling right now, since things are going better. (We initially went for one problem, then another issue cropped up, then a quieter period, then transference stuff.) Rather ironically, the whole transference thing seemed to make us a bit closer--after some initial concerns (completely understandable!), H has been very supportive of me. I think H is partly OK with continuing to go to marriage counseling because he knows that MC (until very recently) helps me, too. Plus he likes MC and enjoys talking to him. Not sure how he'd feel about someone else or, as I said, if it's totally necessary.

And yeah, recently, many of my issues have centered around stuff with MC. I think I was just hoping I could get that stuff worked out, whether with him or with another T. I tend to feel weird talking about that stuff with my T because they're colleagues and friends. And when I'm talking to her, he's right next door in his office. Like I might do better processing all that if it was someone who didn't know him. I've also been reading another thread on here and wondering if I just need to take a temporary or permanent break from seeing MC. And/or a temporary break from therapy all together.

Thanks for the response. I was debating the male/female thing a bit. In some ways, I often feel more comfortable talking to guys, so a male T could possibly be better. But then there's the whole transference issue. (And it's not like I could base it on appearance--I definitely didn't feel attracted to MC when I first met him.) Of course, I could have maternal transference with a female T, too. These are the first T's I've had any sort of transference with, really, which could be something about them or just about how long I've been seeing each of them (or both).

And you're right that the type of person I'm describing might be all wrong for me. I just know that someone telling me that you can't control your feelings/that feelings are neither good nor bad--they just are, and then feeling like I'm being a bit pushed away because of those feelings, isn't working for me either.

My former marriage counselor took on my H as a client. It's not done very often and is usually advised against while the couples therapy is going on, but after be fact I believe it is a judgment call. I wonder if mit would be hard for you given the transference you have and his style of handeling it. And is it possible you don't need therapy anymore?

You're right, you can't know at first sight if there will be transference. Maybe if you do go look for a new T, ask potential T's how they think about transference, how they would handle it?

Thanks, agreed that it might be difficult to handle. I think I was hoping I could work through it. His style of handling it at first was great--just seems to have shifted a bit now. I'm not totally sure why, though I suspect there could be a bit of paternal countertransference. Or some sort of countertransference. Which could explain why he acts particularly caring and open toward me at times and/or loosens some boundaries--and then is like, uh-oh, better tighten those back up again.

I feel like I still need some sort of therapy, but I also wonder if I need to take a step back from it. Like I want to go for the next few weeks (my T is out of town next week though), see where I am and how I'm feeling, then maybe think about either taking a break from one or both for a bit. Or switching to every other week instead of weekly, something like that. I'm thinking it might be putting me in my own head too much.

My therapist refuses to see individual members of couples he's counseling as clients. He says it's a conflict of interest. I see it sort of as taking sides. I wouldn't want to go to a marriage counselor who was my husband's therapist. Maybe a break from therapy would help you see things more clearly?

More and more, and the more therapy I have, I'm believing that I should do what I really, persistently want to on the gut level. I've spent so much of my life going back and forth on something to be sure I was doing "the right thing". And it got me nothing after all. Many marriage counselors do individual therapy and I think it would be great if you proceed to try for what you really want in this therapy situation. As your life gets better and more deeply understood and attended too, you may get so you can genuinely please other people better. But it doesn't come out so well when you deny what you need, to be more acommodating to others . Your own frustrations could have a way of subtle sabotaging to the relationship with the psychologist T and your husband. That's my opinion of it, anyway.

hey. i would feel the same way if i had your T. i told my T that i loved him and looked to him with some paternal transference. of course it was extremely scary. he responded so well, that he was touched, that it was not wrong, that it was like love for a parent. also, he didn't change anything about our relationship. i was/am so relieved that i said those things and he didnt push me away or tell me to go on to someone else. so yes, i would feel the same way if my T were your T and refused to hug me and then even say she hugs other clients. that would make me feel so rejected and like she didn't care. but, also, this may just be her style of dealing with transference. maybe she doesn't see it as an avenue of exploration. if i were you i would ask specific questions around this, around how she deals with transference typically, and then assess the situation. what am i gaining from current T? what am i missing out on? what are my true needs? how can i get these needs met appropriately and within boundaries?... asking really candid questions of myself before i go looking for someone else. just so i know where to start and what to look for