[DePressMe]

So, I wrote my pdoc a long letter…it included my fear of getting better—part of it because if I get better, he will abandon me. I know he is not going to abandon me, but we will see each other less. My meds are working and I have a good T so there is no need for me to continue to see him every few weeks. I can’t believe I admitted that I am so scared of him leaving me. Now, he will know that I really don’t need to see him as much and he might push our appointments even further apart. I guess in some ways that is the healthy thing to do…anybody else ever been a little scared to admit they are doing good? For fear of losing your pdoc or T?

hey. you know... i was just about to hunt through the general archives to find your post so i could PM you. haven't seen you around for a while and i was worried about you.

i intended my post to you to be supportive. encouraging. but sometimes i miss the mark. if it was overbearing then i'm sorry. i'm glad to see you here. i was worried.

and... glad to hear you are doing a bit better.

yeah. i get scared of getting better sometimes. its not a fear i have right now, but it is certainly a fear i've had in the past. linehan had something to say about that, actually. about how people often are afraid that if they don't have so many crises or something then they are afraid their t or p-doc will leave them.

sometimes we do better when we have the support of a t and / or p-doc. i mean we do a lot of hard work that helps that process along to be sure. but sometimes it is precisely because we have developed a fondness / attachment to them that is somewhat secure that we do do better in our life. but then the fear of losing them can kick in. i'm glad you managed to tell him about your fear. ideally... he might be able to reassure you. committ to seeing you for a certain period of time even. so even if you are miraculously cured you can have his support for a while until you can start to get that support that you need outside therapy / your p-docs care.

[DePressMe]

Sorry to kinda bail on you and psychcentral. I was spending too much time in here and letting my school work slip—I had to stop out for a bit to catch up. I did post in general to let people know I was going to be gone for awhile, but I don’t think everybody read it. Its hard to keep track of all of us! My school is going good—I graduate June 1st. After that, I will be able to spend more time back here posting. I have missed everybody here.

I do find you supportive and encouraging—not a bit overbearing.

My fear of being abandoned by my pdoc is very real. Admitting it to him was a tough thing to do, but I have always been really honest with him. I have relied on him over the past couple years and I know the next phase of my growth/recovery means relying on myself a little bit more. I feel like a little baby bird contemplating its first flight from the nest. I hope I don’t go splat. But, if I do, I know my pdoc will be there to help me.

Sorry to make you worry…PM me anytime.

hey. yeah, i don't wander over to general very often so i didn't see your thread there. i'm so glad you are doing alright! i know what you mean about spending too much time online so work suffers. i'm kinda in that place at the mo... except... not really. 'cause i can't work at the mo so i'm kinda spending time here that would otherwise be spent with games or tv. still... i'll get into work soon and go awol for some time i suppose ;-) so close to graduating :-) congrats.

yeah admitting to our fears is really very scary. especially fear of abandonment / being alone. you were really brave to tell him. i so hope that he responds well.

[DePressMe]

Yeah, you also have to ask yourself...what are we doing at this time in the morning on psychcentral...I should be in bed or just getting up, but I have been fooling around on here since 3 AM.

lol. i'm in the southern hemisphere so only 9pm for me lol
:-p

(but thats not to say i won't be here at 3am)

;-)

[drunksunflower]

Why did I think you were further than Oz, alex?

dunno. maybe 'cause i talked about applying to the US at one point. i'll say i'm from oz sometimes... but othertimes i get a little tetchy about where i am. confidentiality etc etc etc. but... try as i might... just can't bring myself to use american english spelling lol.

[SecretGarden]

I think it is good that you expressed your concern to your pdoc. It will certainly be a topic for discussion. Your pdoc knows this has been a stressful time for you and that you have a special alliance with him. Sometimes I am afraid that you are saying...maybe I do not need him as much...but it is so difficult to give him up. I think that you will not lose him in the long run and he will wait to see that you are secure before or if he lessens visits. I think that is the need that you are expressing here?

I expressed the same fear with my T actually.. that I will get better and he will abandon me.

With a pdoc doc it's a little different though, because you already have your T-- so it is reasonable for the pdoc to reduce sessions once you are stabilize. But just because it's reasonable doesn't mean it's going to feel good.

DId you mail the letter? Are you going to bring it to the next session?

Can you talk about this with your T?

Oh, and has your pdoc actually talked about reducing the session? If you are feeling better on your meds, it is something that the two of you should decide together-- no abandonment!

[DePressMe]

I think my need is affirmation that he will not abandon me, no matter how healthy or unhealthy I am at the time. I have always had this issue, it just seems to be more pronounced now that I am getting better and I need him less.

Yes, it is reasonable for him to reduce the sessions and nope, I don’t feel good about it. I have been seeing him every 2-4 weeks for a couple years.

I dropped the letter off at his office, so he has a copy of it. Generally, he puts stuff like that in my chart and then has them for the next session.

No, we have not talked about reducing sessions…each time I go they get a little further apart. He did not just spring it on me, its been happening real slowly over the past few months. I have a feeling we will talk about it next session. I hope he does not think I am obsessed with him. I am not really obsessed, but I am a little dependent.

I am going to miss him—I really like him and he makes me feel like I am not crazy. He is like my anchor. I have a relative new therapist, but we are now to the point I trust her and we have been doing some good work. It is time for me to switch some of my “needs” to her and work on them in therapy. We did talk about this last week and we will probably talk about it this week. It does not feel like it is just going to resolve itself. I feel like I am whining because I know I need to reduce sessions with my pdoc but I just don’t want to…and yet, it is the right thing to do. I feel like I am making such a big deal out of something that is not that big and yet, in some ways it feels huge. That sound like a weird statement, but its how I feel about the issue.