Questions

1. How do you be more open?
* Is it talking about sensitive things? Or allowing your T to push/challenge you? I'm honest, so I know it's not that.

2. How do you lead therapy?
* My T told me it's my therapy and I need to lead (pick topics).

3. How do you convey emotions when you have the ability to smile even when you're sad?
* I can't read my T's expressions and she can't read mine When I told her today I didn't know what to talk about, she thought I was playing around with her...

Please don't tell me to get a new T. I have enough I'm dealing with and I'm tryi g to figure this relationship out. As a recap, my ex-T abandoned me 16 weeks ago, so I'm pretty fragile and vulnerable. I also can't figure out whether I actually have issues with my new T or if those problem are a side effect of T abandoning me.

1. I never force this. I tell her a little and if she does well and I *feel* more trusting as a result, then I gradually open up more. That's aside from the initial baring my soul about one conflict that I did when I started because I wanted help right away with that issue.

2. I focus on my primary goal, then others as that one's addressed.

3. I do this too at times, have a false affect, it's been a process to work through it. In the meantime... I just used my words and we had some miscommunications that we resolved which helped her understand me better. It just took time, as did the being more open. I feel these are things the therapist facilitates and that come as the relationship deepens.

16 weeks is still really new.

One thing that did help me some when I wanted to open up more was writing things out and using those in conjunction with verbal conversations.

It was a bad session today. I don't know what's reality vs what's anxiety anymore. Honestly, there might not even be a problem. It's probably me just messed up thanks to ex-T. I wonder if I'm testing. Or maybe I'm pushing her away. If she meant nothing to me then why do I care? I so mentally f***** right now

for me, most similar issues have all been anxiety related. I would bring them up to t (though it was hard), and would realize my perception of her was totally skewed by transference.

1) Being open comes with time and trust. The last t relationship I knew was only going to be about 4 months when going into it, so I asked t to push me and I also pushed myself to work through whatever came up as soon as it came up. I wrote a lot to her. Sometimes the pushing triggered a shut-down though, and I had to take a step back to be able to recharge. I'm hoping this all will help me be more open with next/former t. I had previously seen her for about 3 years and danced around a lot of stuff. This experience of switching t's so often these last 2 years makes me totally appreciate the steadier relationship with this other t.

2) I hadn't really consciously lead therapy til this last t. There was something very specific I wanted to tackle. I went in with the express purpose of dealing with a specific trauma. After building the foundation of our relationship, I just went in to session with the intention of talking about it, though letting t guide the process because she had the training and detachment to point me in the right direction.
With other therapists (where wasn't so focused on one goal), I would sometimes write stuff out, other times just process the week.

3) I smile and nod through most things. Conveying emotions is very difficult for me. I find I'm often very blunted so most everyone misreads me (The song Studying Stones by Ani DiFranco is my anthem, lol). This has been a process of trial and error. I do better expressing things through art, so I bring my art journal in with me. I also write stuff out before or after. One session with this last t, I simply told her one day that I didn't think I was communicating effectively. I asked for help with it. We had a conversation around how I felt. I know I used more emotion words, though I think I checked out, so I was probably really blank and flat while talking. I dunno. I think this recent t was just able to figure out my communication style faster/easier than previous t's (or she was better at communicating that she understood). With a few other t's, I had to come back to find other ways to express myself. This t figured that more than one message in a few days meant I was struggling. The level of struggle was directly proportionate to how unable I was to communicate in the moment (the less I was able to express, the worse off I was). Though I think I explained more about how I work at the beginning because I wanted to make the most of our time together.

Good luck with your t. I'm honestly not reading things you write so much of a questioning about whether you can work with this t. I'm reading it more in terms of how you can figure each other out, and how to work with the relationship. Maybe i'm missing something in what you are trying to express? I think t relationships, like any relationship, go through a period of learning each other and figuring out how to work together. Yeah, there are relationships that simply don't work right of the bat, but most of them have a learning curve. I think you're still in that learning phase...

1. How do you be more open?
I don't know what's different for me this time, but I feel much more open and honest. Maybe it's from hitting bottom for the umpteenth time and not wanting to hold back. Or just having had a good relationship with my therapist from the start. I would call it more being honest than being open. Sharing painful experiences doesn't necessarily do as much for my progress as working through how I feel about myself as a result and where that shows up today.

2. How do you lead therapy?
I almost always take in a list of things going on that I'm struggling with.

3. How do you convey emotions when you have the ability to smile even when you're sad?
I laugh a lot, and my therapist does too, but she still sees and comments on the underlying pain. So I guess I don't do anything to convey emotion other than just be myself. My therapist doesn't miss any nuance and I can read her pretty well most of the time, except when she has her evaluating mask on, which I tell her always throws me. She says she'll need to watch herself in a mirror to figure out what I'm seeing.

I think you've got a chance for some real growth with this therapist. The experience is challenging for you in a different way, it seems. That can be really good.

I can relate to this even if I´m not at the moment in therapy. The last T I saw for evaluation, I saw her four times more or less crushed me with her comments on the things you mention here.

Just after two sessions she told me (noone have ever told me that before) she recommended me to do a psychiatric evaluation because she had suspicions about Aspberger! Out of the blue although she also knew about me being terminated and such. And that was just because she didn´t think I was enough open and that I didn´t show enough feelings when talking about my problems.

So for me I wasn´t even given the chance to get to know her a little bit more. I really look forward to the day when I´m given the proof that I don´t have any neuropsychiatric diagnosis. I went into such an evaluation just to be sure even if I´ve never thought about me having such a diagnosis.

As you say, sometimes I smile or I don´t show that much emotions even if I´m sad and if a T can´t understand or see why that is I just see another incompetent T in front of me. By that I don´t mean you should change T.

I am open about whatever on my mind. I push myself pretty hard
I lead therapy by picking topics of concern and talking about them
I convey emotions through words. I laugh regardless what's happening so when I am upset I might be still laughing so what I do is tell verbatim " I am upset"

Yesterday my t got on my nerves. She had such flat affect that she appeared falling asleep and whatever I shared she said " it's normal". F... I know that. She also kept repeating " you are showing growth". Ok this is redundant andI know that. She was annoying yesterday I

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1. How do you be more open?
I am what I am when I am - I think that's the simplest thing for me. I talk about what I need to, or what's on my mind. We've never talked about being open we just 'do'. There was only one session where she actually pried because she knew that I would answer and I needed to answer, after that she said she would never pry again and it was my pace, my time, my journey and she was there to assist.

2. How do you lead therapy?
I just start talking. There have been several sessions where I don't talk at all and we just BS the hour away - I always feel like I've wasted time but after the "I don't feel we accomplished anything" sessions she tells me good work... so I have no idea. She is always saying it's my time. I get to chose where I sit. How I talk. The room lighting. Everything. For that hour the room is mine. So I'm not sure I lead other than just saying what's impressing on my mind at that time.

3. How do you convey emotions when you have the ability to smile even when you're sad?
I just talked about this. When we first started therapy I cried every session all the time. I feel like crying shows I'm hurting when I don't have the words. Lately I haven't been able to cry in therapy and I told her that I feel like she doesn't know my feelings because I can't show them to her. I have a hard time giving words to my emotions because I've never really felt emotions until lately so it's all confusing - I just am me and hopefully trust she can figure it out. (ya, I'm not much help on this one) :/

Im not surprised you had a crappy session, just because anything would gave been a letdown after the excitement of the past couple of weeks. Its been like christmas! Now youre getting back to normal dull life.

My t is trying to teach me the value of consistency, like in diet and exercise and housecleaning. My dad was always in the background doing that, whereas my mother liked to make everything an emergency. Now im nowhere. Im good in an emergency but its tiring, i cant live like that. But nonemergency life seems boring. Is that whats going on?

1. How do you be more open?

* Is it talking about sensitive things?
Or allowing your T to push/challenge you?

- You will be more open when you start telling your T more. Just start small and do what your comfortable with. Your T can push you to tell you things, but they can't read your mind. You ultimately have to be the one to tell them because they wouldn't know until you do. Usually, what you're not being open about is sensitive, so yes. It's sensitive things... Or the stuff you need to actually work on or talk about. Not everything needs to be said, but the more you say the better they can help.


2. How do you lead therapy?

* My T told me it's my therapy and I need to lead (pick topics).

- My T says that too. I've tried so hard to get my T to lead, and she usually won't. It's annoying. I make her ask me questions. One time I told her to ask me questions, and she asked "what do you want to talk about?" Or another time she asked "what are you thinking?" Right after I said that "I don't want to talk about what I'm thinking. Just ask me questions instead." So, I don't know. Sorry. Still working on that in my own therapy. I think we don't want to lead, because we know what we need to talk about, but we are afraid to actually talk about it. Which is true for me.


3. How do you convey emotions when you have the ability to smile even when you're sad?

* I can't read my T's expressions and she can't read mine When I told her today I didn't know what to talk about, she thought I was playing around with her...

- Well, I laugh a lot. Even during VERY serious conversations, I'll just laugh or make jokes about what we are talking about because I'm, in reality, really uncomfortable with it. My T says I'm very witty and funny... More so when the conversations get more serious. My T said its my way to make the conversation "less heavy" for me so it's easier to take. She even said a while ago, that I'm not taking these appointments seriously anymore (she doesn't say that anymore. But it was during a time I was cutting myself compulsively and was extremely)... I kept avoiding talking about serious things and made jokes and laughed a lot. But even then, she still got the fact I was in a lot of pain, and was very sad. She saw through the act. She'll get how to read you eventually to where you CANT foul her anymore ugh... Wish I still could. Sorry I'm not very helpful. I'm too screwed up haha...

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I want to be open. I want to talk. But I literally have no clue what specifically to talk about I know what I need to work on: abandonment, ex-T, relationships, not depending on professional, getting healthy again (okay this one I don't want to talk about). But I seriously cannot come up with a topic that will dive deeper into my issues. Any advice? I asked my T today for advice and she said she had none It was a lot longer of a conversation because she's telling me where I can improve on therapy and I'm taking it as I'm doing something wrong, so I flipped out and thought she was going to abandon me like ex-T.

I just feel so stuck and confused. My ex-T would have lead the conversation for me... I miss her.

Your T will eventually learn to read you like a book, and vice versa. This takes time. You'll get there.

I had severe problems opening up to my T. Sometimes I still do. When I was unable to let myself say what I wanted to say, my T would ask me to say just 1 word about it. I would force myself to spit out that 1 word. Then T and I would play 20 questions. She'd ask me yes/no questions to try to figure out what I wanted to say. That quickly led to me opening up a little bit. Now I can talk a lot about it (whatever the it is at the time) after I get the 1 word out.

I also had an impossible time trying to lead the session. I hated it. My T recognized that, and no longer makes me lead the session though she always asks right away if there is anything I want to talk about.

Try to think of something that might work for you for opening up. Then present that to your T. You can also tell her that you are not ready to lead the sessions yet and it adds to your stress. Your T should be willing to work with you all accounts.

1. How do you be more open?

I am pretty honest, I am also a horrible liar so it's pretty obvious if I am not being completely open. I tend to write a lot though- that seems to help

2. How do you lead your sessions?

I don't really lead, T tends to bring up different topics until one seems to be the focus, sometimes I journal about things and bring it in

3. How do you show emotion when you have the ability to smile whilst feeling sad?

This still confuses me, I really struggle with this too, sometimes inside I am crying but the exterior me shows and happy picture, so when I try and explain how I am feeling I feel as though people don't believe me. I somehow believe it comes from being punished as a child for showing emotion. It's a hard one, but writing down how I am feeling really helps, you don't need to display anything cause the words paint the picture for you and you can't hide from that.

1. I don't have a problem with sharing most intimate things in therapy. I kind of lack a filter so if something is up, I might over share.

2. I have never done well with therapy I don't have a specific reason or goal for being there. So I also struggle with leading a session. If I didn't have much to say in a session or if we were talking fluff, she would ask me what I wanted to work on. The direct approach works for me. It was when I didn't have an answer to that question more than a couple of times that I started seeing her much less.

3. People can never get a read on me either, I'm not the most emotive person. So I tell the person directly how I feel. I don't think it's uncommon for people to become very good at hiding their emotions and therapists know this. Sometimes they can read between the lines, but not if the client is an expert at covering up emotions. That's why it's so important to be honest with your T about how you feel, instead of hoping they can read between the lines. Like anyone else, they often can't tell just by body language and facial expressions.

Some Ts use the poker face on purpose with clients so as not to appear to be passing judgement on what's being said. if you are trying to interpret warmth or caring, they might convey it by leaning in closer to you, eye contact, a softer voice. I find the eyes say a lot.

Maybe try writing everything you just mentioned above ie. abandonment, ex-T relationship etc down in a mind map form- start with each of the things you want to work on or think about as headings and branch out from there- identifying the different feelings and thoughts that come up for you and even maybe some goals that you want to work on or what you would like to achieve. You will be able to see from doing this what topic you have the most thoughts about and maybe that is where you can start from with your T. Maybe even bring the mind map with you to your session so you can show T. I know writing down and visualizing things helps me to make sense of stuff.
I Hope that helps

Your T won't lead and she won't advise you on how to lead because she's trying to avoid a dynamic where she becomes the driving force and you become attached in a subordinate fashion.

To be honest, I don't think it's bad that she does everything different than your ex-T. I don't agree with everything this one does (her boundary stuff has been messy, but that might only be because she didn't realize how much you needed to know them), but she seems to be a lot more competent.

Flipping out is a reaction to not getting what you want, which leaves you with your insecurity, which is difficult, but sometimes therapists don't give us what we want because it wouldn't be good for us. (And I say that as someone who has experienced those moments.)

On the bright side, you flipped out, she didn't go anywhere, and therapy goes on. You might not be pleased or happy (I am sometimes displeased as well) but your therapist is still your therapist, and it sounds like you're going to learn how to lead.

Yeah. You're probably right about everything. Because she's so different, it will probably help me avoid transference as well (though I'm still projecting). And it's probably a good thing I'm frustrated. At least I'm seeing her as her, and am able to express the frustration.

But I still need help with finding topics to lead! I know there's things to talk about, but w/o her guiding, I don't know if it's productive. Right now, the source of my struggles is my ex-T. But what more can I say? I've said I'm hurt and I miss her hundreds of times already.

Next week, I only have two topics. 1. My hw my Pdoc gave me. 2. Will she ask ex-T why I can't have contact. I need 2 more. I think one topic should be why she should help me in leading the conversation :P Hey, it is something I'm upset about... But number 4?

My problem is that I'm locking myself in my house again, so there's not much drama going on. I have no social anxiety, no relationship problems... My depression and anxiety atm can be blamed on ex-T. So my life is pretty dull. I have a lot to work on, a long way to grow, but where do I start.

Someone please tell me how to start! Please...

I spent today being immensely frustrated with my therapist, so I know how it feels. However, I did also know that he wasn't doing what he was doing because he wanted to be a jerk, he was doing it because he thinks it's better for me. And it probably is.

You're such a great writer, I think you would be well served writing your feelings about this and using them as a starting point for discussion. You can read them off the page if you want. Leading doesn't mean conducting the session, she will start to engage once you pick a direction, I would imagine.

Ty! I'll try that.