No one can help

I know exactly what you mean by this. Having to pretend you're OK in front of others can be exhausting. For me right now, it's mostly to my husband and daughter. And with my daughter, who's 4, I try to not only be "OK" but smiling and enthusiastic with her. She's giving me more hugs than usual lately, which is very sweet, so maybe she can tell something's wrong.

It's good you have so many appointments coming up, plus watching the baby again. I find I do better when I have things on my schedule, in spite of the whole pretending part. Well, some of those things are T and p-doc appointments, and I don't have to pretend in there...(Was going to add MC to the list, but there's some amount of pretending in there too.)

I think you should mention the hopelesssness to the MH nurse, too. I think talking about it will probably help.

I understand that's how you feel. I am i sorry. But at least on intellectual level please understand you aren't a burden. That's not about them, their salary or what not. It's no matter if they are in salary. You didn't chose to be depressed and they are trained to do this job. It's like saying you are a burden to a doctor because you are sick.

On the other topic clearly your Meds don't work. you need to change them or the dose ASAP and I hope that gets done etc Make sure you tell your doc how you feel.

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Maybe if I also talk about how much of a burden I feel I am, because maybe I just need a little reassurance that that's not necessarily the case. Once I feel like I'm a burden, its hard for me to feel deserving or worthy of their services, which feeds into my negative thought patterns and self-destructive coping skills.

Maybe you're right about the meds not working well, divine. It is a very likely possiblity. But I do feel responsible for my mood and thoughts and feelings, which makes me feel bad about myself and who I am.

Hopefully the new meds/dosage are effective and kick in soon. It's hard to get out of that abyss.

I wonder what you would think of a group program, often called "Intensive Outpatient Program" in the US. I've heard that patients often say how much they appreciate the chance to be honest with other patients who can understand their feelings, including the need to appear okay to others.

(((((TWF)))))

Thanks, ihj. Yes, it is hard. And wierd because part of me desperately wants to feel better and engage with my t, yet this other part of me feels like falling deeper into the abyss. It's a battle in my mind. But I guess the meds are affecting me, maybe. I'm certainly not stable at the moment, but it could be other things too.

Yes do that. Share that you feel like a burden. I know it's probably not helpful but it's in your head. Just try to think of it purely on intellectual level. Just keep thinking if you have cavity or need a crown you not going to a dentist thinking that you are a burden to him do you?

Like it is logical you have tooth ache you go to a dentist. If not you he wouldn't even have a job. Some need dental work whole life a lot ( like me) and some just occasional. Same here. You have some mental struggles that aren't your choice and you go to professionals whose focus is mental health. You might need it for a year or 10 year or your whole life, it's no matter.

You are responsible for your health only up to a certain degree. Like I am responsible for my dental health by brushing flossing and having decent diet. But my teeth are still not that good primarily due to genetics and I need constant care.

You are held responsible for your mental health by taking Meds as prescribed and seeking professional help. You already do all that. So the rest is something you need help with such as changing it adjusting Meds etc etc talking to a t etc

Somehow when people are physically ill they don't blame themselves but when they are mentally unwell they beat themselves up. It's the whole stigma in our society I believe

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I'm not sure if we have access to such a group in my country - I'm sure there are private ones for people who can afford it, but unfortunately our public system doesn't provide those services. And it's interesting you say that, because I was in an 8 week group earlier this year when I was starting to become depressed, and it helped a lot. I was okay, stable, while the group was on and, when it finished, I sunk deeply into this episode.

It's something I could look into. Thanks.

That's very true. It's much easier to say you're unwell physically than to say you're unwell mentally and emotionally.

I don't hide that I have a cold, but I hide my MH issues.

There is meetup in my area that's free group therapy organized by interns. If I didn't have t I would go. Check it in your area

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I'm on my way to see my MH nurse. I don't even know what to say to him!

Say the truth

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I tried, but I put on a pretty good face with my MH nurse. I'm honest, but I don't feel the same when I'm there as when I'm at home. I did tell him that I feel like a hopeless case and a burden. He disagrees that I'm a burden, stating most clients in my position would feel aggrieved not like a burden but that it's my disposition to have a different focus than others.

I still feel like a burden despite him saying this.

He has given me a goal this week to try and get my days and nights in order - to have a clear transition between daytime and nighttime. I've got to try and get up by 12pm every day.

When my doc is back from leave we will look at increasing meds.

It should be an easier week.

Yes some kind of a routine is essential. Hope your mood lifts soon

I just have to try again, for another week or two. MH nurse always motivates me, so too does my t. But I it's limited, it lasts a day and then wares off. This time it lasted a few hours andmI'm back to facing the drag of another week. Safe for a while with a small amount of hope, but worn down and feeling like I'm just treading water. Sorry for all the posts, it's just such a helpful distraction from my feelings.

I know that we all welcome hearing from you as much as you might need to speak. You support others, I hope that you can get sufficient support here as well.

Staying active is really important. Besides seeing the people that you mentioned here, do you get a chance to exercise? I would favor walking or swimming or yoga or stretching etc. regularly, something along those lines, as part of your regular routine, if possible.

(((((ThingWithFeathers)))))

Oh don't be sorry. We should be here for each other. I agree with Bill about exercise. Even simple walk outside

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I don't purposely exercise, but I do walk everywhere because I don't own a car. I did an 8 week basic yoga class. I like yoga and swimming. But I haven't been swimming in a long time because of my increased SH. I cover up wherever I go. I had been thinking of finding a yoga class near home, but I've put everything on hold since this episode.

I looked after baby again today and I have friends coming around for dinner tomorrow, so plenty of distractions surrounding me. I see T Monday afternoon and am glad it's not too far away.

Thanks for your kind words Bill, and for the reassurance, divine! I feel less embarrassed now.

Good job with the distractions!



The walking sounds good.

I encourage you to take up yoga again!

How was your weekend, ThingWithFeathers?

My weekend was busy, but rewarding. I really pushed myself to get out in the fresh air and socialise a bit. I feel better for it. My meds are slowly helping (I think!) and I'm eating better. I'm laughing again, which is something I've missed for a number of months. I feel like things are starting to look up. Thanks for your support bill

Your news is so great, so wonderful to hear!

Thanks for letting us know!

Hi TWF. How is your day going?

Hi Bill. I'm doing okay - much, much better this week. I think the meds have finally stablised and my mood is less intense and more grounded. I've still got some negative thoughts and I've been having more flashbacks than usual this week, so that's been hard, but I'm more hopeful than I was so am happy to keep on keeping on :-)

Thanks for asking, Bill - means a lot