a bit stuck

I am having T/A educational sessions along with T/A weekley and Psychotherpay - I kind of started with Private psychotherpay firstand then got offered shrt term T/A on the NHS. anyhow to th problem

In the educational sessions there is a bloke who runs it say J. i have known him for the past 4 years in one way or another he runs a self harm service in my area. J has always made referances to his wife / family so logically i knew he was married, but i was them together and i felt so anbandonned, so angry towards them both, i carried on but it left me feeling so devitated. I mentioned this in group thertpay the woman who runs it said she could understand how i felt but this didnt make it any easier so the next time i saw J i told him how i felt, about the abandoment and how could he be married and still hold a place for me that i was angry with him althrough he works in the feild of ( PD'S) he didnt know what to say i caught him of gaurd he said he had no idea then followed silenece it wasnt nmade better i didnt get anymore understanding on it he said he needed more time to think , i dont see him for another 4 weeks, think is i thought i could cope with this but i feel awful i wish i could of taken back what i said

i selfharmed on thurs i dont know whether it was about that ( im not saying it was his fault / that he made me do it) because of the way i feel about it i not sure whether i am punishing myself for feeling this way for being stupid i know i want to do it again so i can hurt

I feel so confused i dont know what to do or how to make this better, i have contact with both T'S this week but dont see J for a while.

Sounds to me like you might have to work it out within yourself? I don't see that someone, even J will be able to make you feel better as he can't very well change his circumstances?

Have you any idea how you'd like to feel about the whole thing? Can you look at it with a long view so that feeling "stupid" now is just one in a million situations and not so primarily important down through the ages? :-)

I hope you do manage to feel better soon.

I have realised that i am trying to get back what realtioship i had with my dad, dad wasnt loving so i gues i want J to be and me to have my childhood again. I know this cannot happen and part of me telling him was to come clean about how i feel, it just is really hard im not going to get love from my parents or from J and i guess i find that really hard

I think it's true, childhood love is for childhood. I guess that's why we go on to mate and have an adult love, become fathers and mothers, etc. ourselves. Funny how that works out :-)

I didn't get married until I was 39 and I was interested to "watch" my feelings about my father change as I became involved with my boyfriend/husband. All the fears about what would happen when my father died, etc. kind of migrated so I'm worry about myself when my husband dies :-) I think a lot of people have insecure childhoods where what seemed safe and good gets kind of caught and I know I've looked around in adulthood for other places to go/find the safe and good, and I don't think that's bad/wrong/transference necessarily, I think we all need love at all stages of our life. It's the untangling of the ones where we glomp onto others who might not be able to meet our needs that are the hard work for me.