Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I texted you the big things going on right now but there is so much more. I don't know how to continue moving forward. I need you but I don't know why or woh uoy dluow neve ekam ti retteb...

I can't anyerom.

em

T,

group SHMOUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me

I'm never going to be over you. I miss you even when you are right there or I have just seen you. You are so beautiful and perfect. I love you so much. Why can't you be mine?

Dear G, I feel like I am going to start closing myself up, hiding myself away, because we only have until December, and I'm going to miss you SO MUCH. I feel like I am just fading away, drifting off into thin air while my body goes around doing the bare minimum that needs to be done.

Dear T,

Thank-you so much for our session yesterday. I'm going through a difficult time right now, and it helped so much to feel understood and supported by you. I didn't expect you to put your arms around me and let me lean on your shoulder, but I really appreciated it. I really needed that kind of care, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. A month ago, I was really doubting our relationship, but you have earned my trust back. I feel like we're at 100% right now. I just feel a lot of love, appreciation, compassion, and affection towards you this week, and it's a good feeling. I feel safe and secure, and feeling that with you makes me more able to step outside my comfort zone in real life.

Love,
Scorpio

Today was perfect. Thank you for going with me. It feels unreal that I get to spend time with you outside our sessions. Love, love, love.

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maybe i shouldn't be trying so hard to understand these feels that have no words. maybe that is kind of the point that i am just supposed to feel them. god sometimes i love you so much i can't stand it. where does that come from. probably the same place huh.

Dear T,

I think what I'm realizing about my needs list, is the past as learning experiences that have shaped me. Positive lessons. Was realizing as I waited in a line, spotting someone that had resemblance to my very first boyfriend. Got me thinking about the very last and where he shaped me. Having a narcissistic father, naturally, I've quite a void of my own. So, I thought about the men that I've loved and what they've given me with that fill. The last, gave me the confidence to firmly believe that my value as a woman is not what happens between the sheets. Far from it. He was an important, post domestic violence step for me. No seeking, for the sake of seeking. These men, loom large as a boost to my sense of self value. Not many, but they certainly, have brought something to myself.

Me

Dear MC,
Glad you're back to shaking hands again! And that today I was able to make you laugh that particular high-pitched giggle that comes out on occasion.

Yesterday was scary and awful. I feel really bad about it even though you said I didn't do anything wrong and that I didn't have to deal with this pain all by myself. I just couldn't connect. I'm scared that I called your voicemail twice last night and I am scared I said something I shouldn't have. I hope you call soon so we can get it over with and I can know your thoughts.

Dear T

Today's session was alright. But when we were talking about my homework and the thoughts I wrote down, you choose to ignore certain thoughts. ''...I don't want a future'' and ''I don't want to be here''. Did you realise that I meant
You mentioned or talked about most thoughts I wrote down, but the ones that implied SI you ignored. I think you knew what I mean, but you didn't want to talk about that. I get the feeling that subject makes you uncomfortable. So I don't mention it either. But the thoughts are still there.

And about that ''life isn't pointless, certain thoughts of you are pointless''. You're sort of right. Those negative thoughts are useless. But I'm right too. Life is pointless. Whatever you do, it all ends with dead. So everything you do is pointless, useless.

I'm useless.

T, I did something stupid. I googled you again. I've never told you I googled you. I don't know why I did again. Probably a bit bored and I was curious if I could find something more of you. And I did. I found a few photo's from your pregnancy photoshoot you did with your boyfriend 2-2,5 years ago. There're on the website of the company where you did that shoot. You wrote a review in the site. And there're 5 photo's of pregnant you on that site. Also with your boyfriend. You look so happy. You look so happy at your fat belly. You and your boyfriend look so happy at eachother. So loving. So beautiful. Even your fat pregnant belly is beautiful. No weird prenancy things. Just beautiful.
Btw, did you ever had a belly button piercing?

Pain goes trough my body. I've no idea how it feels. How it feels to have someone who loves you so much. How it feels to love someone so much. How it feels to have someone look at you like your boyfriend looks at you.

I shouldn't google you. Or pdoc. Though I can't find much about him, only where he plays sports. But it's so hard to not type your or pdoc's name in google once in a while. You two know some much about me. I know nothing about you. I want to know more about you. But everything I find out about you, only gives me more envy.

When those pics were taken, you were 1 year older than I am now. We couldn't be more different.

You told me today that I'm more conversational recently, less guarded. You said it seems like I'm trusting "the process" more. I think I actually just trust YOU more. Like, really trust. Finally. I didn't really realize it until you said that. So congratulations. Only took you two and a half years

I have been slacking on the self compassion letters. Please forgive me if I write them all in one day. It's just to hard

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I don't trust the therapist you introduced me to yesterday.. that scares me too cuz who am I meant to see whilst your away now? I know I wont be able to talk to her but I need to see someone cuz it means you will be coming back and I will be seeing you again.. I don't know what to do I'm sorry

Dear G, you were so right about me needing to see a spiritual director and work on the spiritual aspect of my mental health. With the decline in my spiritual health and my disillusionment with God/church/Christianity/spirituality nothing else has really mattered to me. I remember thinking years ago if I lost God, lost my faith, that I would have nothing to live for, no reason to want to stay alive. I did lose my faith, and I've been fumbling about as best as I can, trying to make sense of my life, trying to make meaning out of the chaos, and it's not been working very well. But today I saw the spiritual director that you recommended to me, and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like there is hope again, and I have felt no hope for so long. I have felt so scared and alone, surrounded by a hostile, terrifying, suffocating darkness, so close to death. But today I felt like maybe I could see a little, far off light; for a brief moment I could feel a fresh wind in my soul. I guess I need to hang onto the memory of that.

Sometimes it just amazes me that you know what I need before I realize it or know it. I don't know how you know those things about me, but it makes me feel loved.

Dear t,

You are a blessing in my life. I always thought I was unlovable and unlikable, but you make me feel like I matter. You are helping me change my view of the world and myself and are helping me find my strength. I am thankful to have met you. I really hope we can always stay in touch, because it would suck to loose you in my life.

T,

In my whole letter full of everything, you didn't address the many things I brought up?

I wrote about so many painful things, important past events, and you didn't mention a single thing.

Trigger*************


Dear Ex-T

I feel like I'm losing you all over again. I screwed up I know but can you find it in your hear to forgive me. You're supposed to be such a good Christian. Did I really screw up that badly. I want to punish myself for screwing up but I know that won't bring you back to me. I guess I will never see you again-that saddens me tremendously. I guess I was right when I said I was evil and not a good person because you were taken from my life. You were the one person I needed to guide me spiritually and now I'm totally lost. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I'm in limbo. It hurts to just physically exist. I wish I could go back to Monday night and redo everything over again. I emailed you yesterday and you never emailed me back so I have my answer - you never want to speak to me again. I'm sorry - very sorry for whatever I did that was relayed back to you through the cops. I don't think they believed me and something they said to you drove you away. I'm in so much anguish and I'm lost. What do I do now? I know what I want to do but people say that doesn't solve anything. I think it would sove everything. No one would have to put up with me. I wouldn't have to worry about disappointing anyone ever again including you. I know I disappointed you in every possible way. I can't say sorry enough. I wish you could read this and know that I truly am sorry.

Dear T,

You're really Ex-T but I can't call you that....I know I'm weird So I want to tell you all about what happened over the past few months. Especially how much progress I have made and how happy I am. It feels like you should be a part of this happiness - you were such an important part of my life over the past couple of years. It seems sad that as I'm truly getting better, you aren't there It just feels incomplete....and I know you care WAY less than I do about all this but still, T, you should know about the breakthrough I am having. It's awesome!! I feel in control of my emotions. It's almost like the technique I learned (which was simple btw) taught me to self-regulate my emotions. So I'm not afraid of the depression cycle anymore! So I'm free! And that's something you should know after the horrible way things ended. All you know is that I was hospitalized, had to quit my job, might be homeless....blah blah blah. You left on a sad note and now that this is all turning around I can't share it with you....it seems like you, of all people, should be a part of it. You meant a lot to me while I was at my lowest and most everyone else pretty much scattered. I'll get over this but it sucks....

Hi G, I just saw LM for the first time yesterday for spiritual direction, and she invited me to the women's mini retreat at her house tonight. This is going to maybe sound weird, but I hope you are not going to be there this evening. One, it would be weird to start travelling in one of your social circles. I would be seeing you in a totally different context from therapy, and I think I would find that unnerving to see you outside of your role as therapist. Two, I wouldn’t know how to act. I would feel weird having you see me outside of therapy as well. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I saw you around town, like at the grocery store or something. It would be (again) weird, but it wouldn’t be the same kind of weird as being at a two-hour event with you there.

I'm feeling tonight. Wonder why??

Thank you for continuing to try to help me. I'm afraid that I might have to quit therapy soon to spare you the grief. I don't think any more meds will stop these thoughts and I refuse to go to a state hospital.

I'm an emotional mess again. In retrospect, I think I contacted you too soon. I thought I was ready, but I guess I wasn't. I'm feeling so much, all kinds of things. Anger, sadness, abandonment, gratitude, love, joy. Part of me likes all these emotions. How's that for a change? Makes me feel human. Mature. Normal.

I'm thinking about you way to much. I couldn't sleep and in my mind I was writing you another email, about how I'm feeling now. But I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't email you. I need to get through this again. And I know I can do it. I just wish I didn't have to, it's so hard.

I love you.