Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I don't know what to say to you right now. It's true I'm in coping mode but I also feel so numb that I don't want to deal with anything or anyone, including you, and I don't know how to tell you that.

It's still not okay. My friend said today 'your T has really hurt you, hasn't she?' And I thought, yes, I'm not angry, I'm hurt. I don't think I want to tell you, I don't want to talk about it. I feel too vulnerable and I don't trust you not to get defensive.

G, I just want to be with you. I wish I could go hiking with you, share with you the beauty I see everywhere, spend a day with you marvelling at the wonder of the natural world. I've opened up my heart to you, shown you my soul, and I wish so much that we could be friends.

What is this, t? What?!

Dear G, I can't stop thinking about you and it's driving me crazy. All I want is to be with you and know that everything is okay between us - that you are not annoyed with me for emailing you and calling you for confirmation of our appointment on Tuesday. I don't want to go to my practicum. I don't want to go to class. It's all too overwhelming right now, especially with my shoulder injury. All I want is to be sitting in your office, able to find the right words to tell you about everything since I last met with you, and to be able to cry. I feel like there are so many tears that need to come out, and I feel like if I could cry in therapy I could make you understand just how hard things have been and that you might express more care and concern for me. Is that manipulative or what?

I know what it is. I'm feeling that "I'm done" feeling again. I'm pretty sure when I look closely at the feeling, it relates directly to the dream about the doors on the ship that I can't open... and the doors that I drew (that are closed)... and how we talked about what is on the other side of the door, is it ME at last? And I'm feeling the "I'm done" again because I am afraid of opening the door and seeing? I'm afraid that what I'll see is what I've been afraid of this whole time. Let's talk about this Thursday okay?

ETA: Look at me letting myself feel my way through the feeling, besides....

I miss you and I am afraid that I shouldn't. It feels wrong and it hurts. I wish I could tell you.

How could you sacrifice my entire life, just to impress another client? You almost killed me with your game of bullying. I can't believe you would do this to me after all the time we spent together. If I meant nothing to you then I wish you had just terminated me instead of talking to her about me. I would have done anything if you just kept my confidence. I trusted you and this is what I get. Now I am left with nothing to be proud of. NOTHING!!!

Dear T

I need you. Or not. You probably can't help me. Talking won't help. It might calm me down a bit, but then when I'm alone again, it won't make a difference. I don't know what to do. I'm getting worse again. And I wasn't doing alright in the first place. I've to wait 5 more days until I finally see you again. But what does it matter.
I'm crying now. I'm feeling so hopeless. I'm suppose to meet some friends later today. I don't want to, but I can't cancel because they rely on me. I can't let them down.
I want to stay here. Everything is too much for me. I can't keep it together. I can't let my friends down. They're excited for what we're going to do tonight. I'm not. I just have to get through the evening. Trying to not fall apart.

5 more days. How I'm I going to tell you this. I'm not good at talking about this kind of feelings. What I'm I going to do? I just don't know it anymore. Nothing can make me feel better.

I don't know how you can live with yourself after ruining my life. My entire work career has been ruined because of your big mouth and carelessness.

Wish I could email you and tell you how this trip with my mother & sister is going. I don't feel like any major issues have come up, I just want to connect to you and the calmness you bring to me with your words.

so t i did an Active last night with the drawing i did of the door. It was short, but I got some good stuff. In the Active I did open the door - and beyond it was dark, like a deep, starless and moonless night - and I heard a voice from somewhere inside me say "Let what you have already learned about who you are be a light shining into the darkness of what you don't know yet, to show you your way." I think this means I should trust what I've learned, trust who I am now, to lead me to what I am yet to be. Or something like that.

Dear MC and T,
I miss you both so much. I wish I was seeing one of you tomorrow instead of Tuesday and wednesday. I'll just try to hold my emotions and fears and everything together until then. I wish I could reach out to one or both of you but fear that would just be a sign I can't manage on my own and need to be in a day program or hospital. I just feel unmoored and want to hear you say that everything will be OK. And hear in your voice and/or see it in your eyes that you still care and still believe in me.

Dear T

Tonight went alright. When they came in my car, all my feelings went away. I don't know how that happens. When I went to see pdoc last time, I was feeling so bad, but then I saw him and all those feelings went away, except for some anxiety. I just become sort of numb.
But I also took a Oxazepam before I left today. Maybe that helped to calm me down? I wish I had more, but my doctor prescibed me one box, more then a year ago. I'm almost out of them. I want more. I don't know if pdoc wants to prescribe me some. I'm afraid to ask. He doesn't even know I still had some and neither do you.

I talked to you about what I planned to talked to you about and I'm really glad.

You said the most “compassionate, accurate” way you could understand it is that we were both fumbling in the dark, and doing the best we could. I agree with that. That is true. (Although, now, I need to know why I manage to throw off even you, with all your years of experience, and I can't let you wiggle out of that one by convincing me it wasn't my fault. Why am I so challenging?r) You used the slow, gentle voice that you use when you really, really want me to listen to you, and you said, “What you said was beautiful and now you are going-- you always go-- to this place where everything is your fault.” (Or something like that, I can’t remember very clearly now.)

Now it's Sunday and I'm feeling really lonely, and sad about leaving for grad school next year. I will miss you so much. I know I'm ready...I can go now. But it's still going to hurt and be scary.

I hope I can keep working so hard this year, and not freeze.

hey T,

why did you throw that blanket on me in group?

me

Dear G, I just need to get through tomorrow, starting at 6 in the morning when my alarm goes off, through practicum from 8:30-3:00, then the 45 minute drive to uni, class from 4-9, and the 30 minute drive home. Then I get to see you on Tuesday before rushing off to class from 4-10. G, I am so scared I'm not going to make it through this semester, and to make things even worse, my shoulder injury still has not healed, and it's been 5 weeks since the injury. I am almost in tears as I type, and I still have reading to do this evening. I'm trying really hard to hold it together, but I think I have cried every day since I last saw you nearly 2 weeks ago.

I think I'm going to throw up... I really feel like you are going to tell me that you are going to retire soon. Seriously, if you leave me... I don't know what I will do.

Here come the tears, again.

Dear T,

Last week you said two things that left me feeling bad, ashamed and misunderstood. You've never done that before. You have always been nothing but compassionate with, and attuned to, me. I felt you minimised something, that you didn't comprehend the situation as serious. And you brought up something else that left me feeling like I was putting the blame on the wrong person. I don't blame that person for things other people did. I do, however, place responsibility on that person for the things they did and the things they failed to do. I went home from session and
I didn't do it though, I fought the urge off. But I am thinking about it a lot. I was doing so well with not doing it and not thinking about it much at all.

Do I speak to you about all this? Can I bring myself to say something? I don't want to make you feel like what you said has caused those thoughts and feelings. I'm too sensitive and I think you had a bad day and were a bit off your game. I can rationalise why and how you said those things, but that doesn't help my internalised feelings of shame in reaction.

I think it would be good if I can bring up last week's comments and my reaction to them.

See you tomorrow, T.

I can't even sleep thinking about what you did to me. It was so cruel, so deceiving, so unethical. How could you? I thought you were a good man??

CBT T and the universe at large--

I'm drowning! Throw me a lifesaver please!

Can't believe it's been five months already...

I feel so stupid and i wonder if you think you will never get rid of me. But then you always talk me out of quitting whwn i try to so i don't know. I'm so confused. I feel like i should be done by now.

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I've got a bad feeling about this week. Although our last session was quite lighthearted and even fun, my take home thought scratched the surface of something nasty. I’ve been having night terrors, sleep paralysis and seizures all week. I hope I don’t have a fit in session, I don’t want you to see that. But whatever this thing is, I want it finished with……

……..help me, please.