Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Hi T,
I wrote you an email about all the work BS that's going on. I didn't send it. I really don't want to bother you if there's really nothing you can do to help me.
I wish this was easier.

I hate how needy this sounds, but weeks off are hard. Thursday can't come quick enough.

Darling T,

I failed at the skill you are helping me learn. I tried it, told you what happened and you said it's okay we'll keep working on it but I feel Iike a failure.

EM

Coming in is so hard. I've never done this before. I'm further along than I've ever been and everything tells me not to go. I can't have you look at me. I can't have anyone look at me. There are too many fears living inside me. There's nothing I want more than to pull them out by the root and toss them... but they have been my friends for so long. They've kept me safer than anybody else has. I'm built like no other, my fears have been useful, they are hardwired straight to my defences. But I am not one of the real people.
My fears and I, we know we need to be able to connect with the real people. We are losing, every day we lose something. Someday We will be at the end of life, we will have lost out on so much. And we will also have lost our chance to change it.
So we have to come in, we just have to

T,

i am trying to be positive. your text ("i have complete faith in you") made me cry. i was sitting on the bathroom floor and you texted that. and i had to cry. even when i texted my mom about my nervousness about the job thing, she said yeah it will be stressful. i didnt find that response helpful... your response gave me hope. like you have my back. like you know i can do it. i needed that. i need someone to believe that it will be ok for me right now. and you are doing that.

me

Dear T,

I will be seeing you in less than two days. I am glad! I am nervous! I am happy! I am a bundle of emotions.

i'm sorry i made you feel so bad, i really didn't mean it. the idea of you worrying so much during leave didn't cross my mind remotely.
but thanks for the call. it was so strange to talk to you, you're still there. it made me cry. honestly i totally hated our last sessions but now i know you haven't forgotten me.

I finally have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm kind of terrified that they're gonna blow me off as just another stressed college student. I've been spoiled by this whole therapy thing where you have to sit and listen to my every complaint for 50 minutes.

You think your job is some kind of joke. A game where you play with peoples lives and screw them over for your own entertainment?? Maybe one day you will learn IT IS NO JOKE!!

You are completely right about him. I'm just too nice. Being a ***** is not really in my nature, but I'm learning. I've been so stressed out all weekend dealing with his crap. I won't let him away with it. Sh^t's gonna hit the fan tomorrow.

Dear T,

I shouldn't look at your public social media, but I'm glad to know that you're affected by your clients too...

Dear T,

I hope you are enjoying your time away.

I am trying to keep quiet on many fronts.

I have kept three voice mails from you that I listen to when I am missing you most.

A little piece of you abides in my heart.
I carry you around with me, always.
I think that will always be so.
❤️

Dear university therapist,

Sometimes I wonder if you know. I feel like you probably do, no matter how hard I try to hide it, hoping it will go away, hoping that one day I won't love you as much as I do now.

I shouldn't feel this way. It really upsets me, but what can I do? How can I make it stop?

Sometimes I really wish you'd stop saying that you're proud of me. I wish you'd stop looking at me with those intensely emotional eyes when you tell me how much you love working with me. I wish you would just stop.

But also, please don't. It hurts, but I also need it. I need you. Do you know that? Can you see it?

Dear T,

So, here I was reading a couple of psych related articles that pertained to avoiding repeating patterns, yadda, yadda. And kablam, there sat some things that happen getting over something specifically that rang familiar of things that came up in therapy.

Me

Dear T,

Me again. So, I'm going through things I need, etc., which has been an ongoing process.
But there's this other step, how do I ensure that I haven't been giving off weak and submissive vibes? Or make sure I'm not showing lack of confidence, etc? Yes, I'm divorced. Yes, my father is who he is and my story is my story, but how can that not display?

Then again, seeing me, at work is more defining of who I am as a whole.

Me

T, something about your combination of compassionate warmth and rigid professionalism really turns me on.

Where were you all my life? We both could have been spared a lot of grief....

Dear T1, something my tutor said in class today related strongly to what went wrong in therapy between us, and I felt validated because I realise your behaviour was incongruent and lacked empathy. I don't doubt you didn't mean to hurt me and you had my best interests at heart, but you did hurt me. And I feel like I need to allow myself to be angry with you.
I also need to talk to T2 about what I need from him. I told him early on in therapy I didn't want him to criticise you, but I sometimes cant talk to him because I feel like he goes the other way and defends you. I don't want that either. I just want my experiences validated. My feelings validated. I need to feel its OK to be frustrated about what happened and mourn the good parts too. I am still confused about what happened between us and it still hurts.

T,
How long before you're completely exasperated with me?

i think this like every day

When I asked you if I could talk to you about some important things, I immediately felt better, more at peace. Even though I am choosing not to talk to you about them yet, just knowing you will be happy to listen to me makes me feel less desperate for your love. Maybe it really is more about a connection and less about romantic love feelings. Maybe I really should work on building that connection and not holding you at arm's length.

You said, "I'll call you in a couple of days to check on you." That was 4 days ago. I refuse to contact you because I want to see if you've forgotten about me. I shouldn't do that to you because I am aware of how much you have on your plate. I'm torn. I'd just forget the whole thing if it weren't for the fact that I'm still crying for no reason. 300mg of Wellbutrin, 90mg of Cymbalta & 600mg of Lithium and I'm still depressed and suicidal...

Dear T,

Perhaps instead of sending the email just sent.. I should of posted it here. Crap.

I shouldn't have just sent all of that. I'm sorry. I'm in a tough place but I should figure out on my own.

I really wish you weren't so busy all the time now... :lonely:

Today sucked. Majorly.