Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I miss you so much. It's so painful. I hope it's worth it, but it's hard to believe it when your whole life is just worthless.

I have read your email loads of times because it's so nice! It makes me feel really warm and understood. Things are finally happening in therapy with you

You are totally making me CRAZY. Well, crazier...

Dear MC,
I know T talked to you the other day about what I may have figured out. And she said it's up to you now, I guess whether you say something about it or not. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for prying. If you hadn't told that one story Monday, I wouldn't have connected the dots (and maybe I connected them wrong anyway). I never asked you about that specifically before because it's your personal life, and although you share quite a lot of stuff with us, of course there's stuff you don't or won't share.

You know me quite well by now, so I hope you realize, to use one of your phrases, that this is coming from a place of caring. (And a place of love.) If you choose not to tell me anything, I completely understand. If you do choose to tell something, then I promise not to push you for more information than you openly give.

So...I hope you understand. And I'm sorry.

Sounds like the object constancy issues many Borderlines have. I've done the same thing.

It's time for that relationship conversation again. But next time, not today, i want today to be as we planned okay?

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Dear T

I'm back at home. I now wished I had chosen to see you tomorrow instead of skipping a week and see you on our usual day. This short trip didn't went so well. I did some nice things and I had a bit of fun (sort of). But a few times I had such strong
Everytime this thought slowly went ''away''. I got distracted by other things. I see pdoc next week and you the day after him. I probably won't telly either of you about this. You probably can't help me with this. I think pdoc can't either.

I feel so alone. I don't feel close to anyone. I can't be myself, really myself, with anyone. And I can't be completely open and honest to you or pdoc.

I don't belong in this world. And I don't want to anymore.

When you held your hand out to me I didn't know if you wanted me to hand you something or if you wanted my hand. I didn't want to make more of an idiot of myself so I ignored it... I wish I knew. I hope you were reaching for my hand. Guess I'll never know.

I feel so ashamed and disgusting about sharing my ugliness inside over e-mail this week. 80% of me wants to quit therapy right now. I am forcing myself not to cancel this week, but I am so afraid you are going to tell me that just therapy with you isn't enough and you can't deal with me anymore. Please don't tell me that.

Dear G, I am so grateful and amazed that you know me and have a good sense of what my spirit needs. It was so good to see you today and be able to tell you all the good things that have happened in the last 2 weeks, and to show you my photos from my nature rambles, and to talk about beauty with you. It was so nice to see that sparkling warmth in your blue eyes when you smiled at me, and it was wonderful to hear you say that you were so happy for me that these good things are coming about in my life. And it was really, really nice to hug you.

I've seen many posts here saying that they miss their T. I want to ask if you miss me???

I'm not far away, just a cloud in the sky.

T,

Todays session was one of the best I have ever had. I feel so connected to you. You really get my pain and understand. I love the laughs we share and I love how you are there for me during the painful moments. Thank you for telling me today that I am loved and cared about by you. I love you more than I can or will ever express. I am truly so lucky to have you as a therapist. Your hugs feel so healing. You make me feel like I can do anything and you remind me that you are right here by my side. I can never thank you enough!

i have thought about it like that.. object constancy. thanks for mentioning it.. i will look into it more

I'm hanging in there. Only just.

That was amazing today, you know. I hope you are able to take very good care of yourself the next couple days. It can't have been easy.

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G, I love you, love you, love you so much! And I wish I could tell you that without it being all awkward. It's not the romantic feelings talking right now. It's just all this gratitude welling up in my heart for you. Thanks for lending me that book about Celtic spirituality. I've already read more than half of it, and it is EXACTLY what I need right now. I wish it wasn't 2 whole weeks before I get to see you again.

I don't blame you at all for having to cancel our session tomorrow, but I'm actually really going to miss talking to you. This shiny new antidepressant in all its glory is currently making me feel like a pile of dung (physically). I'm fully aware it takes a few weeks or more, but being physically drained is certainly not helping with the hopeless side of me that's thinking there's no way out of this anxiety. It takes a lot of energy these days to function with my anxiety, and it's all being zapped by the medication right now.

I love you. It makes me happy that you love your family so much and are going on vacation with your wife next week. I wish I could make marriage and family more like yours--You always seem so in love with your wife and tender when you talk about her and your children. I wish my husband felt that way about me. Your family is lucky to have you.

Dear G, thank you for understanding that it would have been hard for me to fully engage in the soul care evening if you were there, for knowing that without me having to say that. Thank you for knowing that the soul care community of women was exactly what I need and that it would feel my soul, and for knowing that L would be a good person for me to talk to about the spiritual side of things. Thank you for telling me that you were thinking of me the day I went for spiritual direction, and that you were hoping and praying it would be what I needed. Thank you for understanding that although I yearn for spiritual connection and community, conventional church is not the answer for that longing.

I feel hopeless.
I should tell you.

You said something to me today that was definitely "too much information". I really didn't need to hear something that personal and I know I turned bright red. I'm so embarrassed and actually angry that you told me that. You do not know how in love with you I am but what you said was still not appropriate!!!

Less than 24 hours until I see you, and I am so scared. I just feel like this is it. You will say you can't help me anymore. I have finally been too much. I hate this feeling.

Dear T

I'm feeling so lonely. And hopeless. I'm having negative thoughts. I know I should have already said stop to those thoughts. I shouldn't keep thinking those thoughts. But it's so hard not to. And feeling bad and thinking these thougths, they do have one more reason to have them, other than that this feeling is familiar and ''save''. If I keep thinking negative thoughts and keep feeling bad, then maybe I wil feel worse and worse
This I didn't told you and I'm afraid to tell you.
I just don't see another option. I'm not getting better. I never won't. I'm a failure. I can't go on like this. It's pointless. It hurts. I'm exhausted.

I'm not sure why I'm afraid to tell you. I think I'm afraid for your reaction. Or for how it will make you feel. Though I've never seen that anything I told you has upset you. So I don't think the stuff I tell affects you.
I'm not afraid to lose you. In the first few months of this year I was very afraid to lose you. But now, I don't really care. It would be hard to not see see you anymore. But you can't help me. Nobody can. So maybe you should give up on me. Everyone else has. I have.

Could you please develop ESP and know that I really need to talk to you? I mean, after you get back.

Please don't read anything in to the fact that I wrote the check for the wrong amount. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Dear Pdoc

4 more sleeps until I finally see you again. You have been on my mind every day. It hurts more and more. I know I don't mean anything to you. And I never will. I won't ever mean anything to anyone. I'll always be alone. It hurts. It's all so hopeless.

I was looking forward to seeing you. But now that it's so close... I want to be mad at you. I want to scream at you. I want to have a fight with you (with words, not with hands). I want to hurt you. Which is so mean of me. You haven't done anything wrong. You're actually one of the nicest men I've ever met. And I don't know many nice/good men.
I know I won't do any of those things. I'll be polite and friendly to you. Usually these thoughts disapear when I see you.
I think I'm just angry at you for being so goodlooking and smart and kind and patient. I'm angry at you because I like you so much and I don't want to.