Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear T,
I'm glad you're OK that I'm not adhering perfectly to my self-care plan. And that you understand why having something like that is actually kind of triggering for me. I'm not sure how I went from saying I'm doing pretty well today to sobbing uncontrollably. I think I just needed to get all that out in today's session. Since I felt better after. Thanks for listening. And sorry I often say how well I connect with MC--I know you say it's OK, but I still feel kinda bad about it. It's not for lack of trying or lack of skills as a T. You're awesome too--you just each kind of reach me from a different place. Like I think he gets me more from the emotional side and you more from the intellectual/cognitive side. Or something like that? And I feel like I need both at different times...

so how do I tell you that I realized I'm starting to feel attachment to you. I don't like it. How do I stop it?

T,

when you mentioned my emotional attachment to you today and how it relates to my dad i felt embarrassed. i felt like omg he shouldnt know that, i have to hide it. ive always felt like i cant show some people how much i care. you said it makes me vulnerable.... that is so right! but then i remembered that i have told you i loved you and its prob pretty obvious that you mean a lot to me. since i obsess and worry about you dying so much.

also, i am sorry i got so mad when you texted me before work. i felt angry at you but i felt guilty for feeling angry.

im glad things are ok now

me

I miss you. I hate missing you. I hate that tomorrow is Yom Kippur and even if I called or whatever you won't be there. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

dear t: our conversation last week caused some more shifting inside me, and that's why I asked to come this week too. i want to keep the momentum going. i am just praying right now that nothing else goes wrong with this house and that the loan funds tomorrow, otherwise if it doesn't we will be moving back to the old house, well my husband will be, and you will be visiting me in the hospital because that's where I will be. I cannot handle this stress. Especially right when some really good work was starting to happen again. t I just literally want to go out in the backyard and scream and scream. I don't know what to do with this tight little ball of stress that is spinning like a saw blade in my insides trying to shred me. all the work we did getting me put back together is trying to come undone this is so stressful. i can't stand it. i can't wait to be sitting in your office thursday evening and hopefully by then this will be behind me.

I've come full circle. Right back to the vey beginning. Right to the point that I ran from. I don't want to face it now any more than I did then, but I'm not a silly little fool anymore. I'm not going to throw away any more of my life because I'm too scared to face myself.

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What is wrong with you that you destroyed my career because you were HOT for a woman???

YOU HELPED HER DESTROY ME!!!

MY situation keeps getting WORSE BECAUSE OF YOU!!

Had I known this was going to happen I never would have started up with you.

If ONLY SOMEONE WARNED ME!!!

Help! I think you forgot me.

I am dreading that phone call you are going to make today. I don't want to go into the hospital. I just wish I could stop existing then everything would be better.

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I enjoyed chatting with you today, but at times it felt like just that - chatting. I'm starting to wonder whether I need to see you every week, or whether it's time to go fortnightly.

When I joked about 'dating a psychologist' I forgot that I knew that you are/were married to one— but you don't know that I know that, do you? So ... ha, ha, ha?

After we both laughed at my joke, you hedged on saying something and I thought for a split second I thought you were going to volunteer the fact about yourself, I thought for a split second we might acknowledge that we had some real life experiences in common, but no. Nope... you backed off again.

Keep hanging on with that "blank slate" there, girl, and I'll just keep pretending I don't know anything about you.

I don't normally respond to these but i just wanted to say i relate. My own therapy seems to circle back around to things and that sorta makes me feel like I'm going backwards but I'm not and you're not. We're different people we've grown so much since the last time we 'circled'. Something like that. Hugs

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I see you in an hour. I really don't want you to make that phone call. I don't want to go into the hospital.

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Oh T, you were so on top of your game last session. Can we try to make it that good every session?

So we got there. Tomorrow is our very last session and I still have so much to say.

Today was such a good session. I feel so connected to you. Our hug felt so good! I wish I could stay in your arms forever!

Dear T
You don't know it yet, but I won't be seeing you any more. I can't do it... I can't deal with the uncertainty, I can't feel all the emotions, and I cannot watch while you get older and more forgetful and unable to do your job. It breaks my heart, but I just can't....

When you tell me about my good qualities and abilities, I just... I feel like I've tricked you into thinking that I'm a good person, not this lazy and jealous bum... and sooner or later you're going to realize the truth and hate me for it. But you're perceptive and not easy to deceive, so I don't know what to think... maybe all this stuff in my mind is really okay and human?

Last week you said "that's why you're wonderful ... " but I was so taken aback by the compliment that I can't even recall why you said that? Why am I wonderful, again? Can I ask you that?

It was just a throwaway compliment, I know. I doubt you would remember either.

Pdoc I see you in half an hour. I am very nervous. I know you will probably still want me in the hospital. Glad our appointment got moved up though so I don't have to wait with dread for 6 more hours.

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I was just pulling in to work when I realized I'd forgotten to take my meds with breakfast. All of them. Again. I was furious. I wanted to beat the living **** out of myself. I wanted to punch myself in the face and break my own ****ing jaw because that's all a forgetful little worthless **** like me deserves. I don't think this stuff is working. I don't think I'm fixable or worth fixing.

Darling T,

I wish I could ask you why it seems difficult for you to hold eye contact with me. Maybe when I get a little braver I'll ask.

EM

So I was at the concert of my favorite singer. I used to look forward to his concerts, but not anymore. I liked the concert. It was really good and I did enjoyed it. But even during his singing, I thought several times
Those thoughts just popped into my head. I don't know how to get beter. How to believe that I can change. That this depression isn't for forever. And how can I really work on our therapy if I don't believe that I can ever get beter. We talked a little bit about this in last session. But I still don't know. I am convinced that I can't get beter. I don't know how to change that.

oh well.
What can I say, when you canceled I felt horrible. Now I feel.. free. I dreaded this goodbye so I kind of feel relieved as last week's didn't feel like the LAST session - and there's not going to be (a last?) one any time soon. Plain and almost painless. I know it's crazy cause I had SO much to say but now strangely, not having had a last session and not waiting for one makes me feel more relieved than broken.
I wish you well T, and i fear this peace will soon make space to despair, but I also wish myself that next time I see you I'll think "ah, she is so nice and I'm grateful, but I just don't need her anymore". That would be the greatest gift for me.

i miss being with you