Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Thank you? For what? Saying it? Admitting and pouring it all out? What does that even mean? Why did you have to say it? I didn't need you to tell me the same back, but why thanking me? I'd feel much better if you didn't say a thing.

This is not a feeling of being rejected, it's something much heavier. I don't want to feel, I don't want to see or hear anything, I don't want to exist. And your f*cking thank you keeps repeating itself in my head.

Darling T,

I told you about them. You didn't flinch, you kindly looked at me making sure our eyes were locked and told me you know they are there and I should talk about them, I need to let them out, that I can tell you the scary stuff in my head, that it's okay. You didn't change. You were still the same loving woman you were prior. You didn't ship me away. You didn't send me out. In fact, you wanted me to stay with you. You want me to come be with you. Those thoughts are still there (the visions, too) but you're still there and you said you're committed to me and we'll just keep going one day at a time. I wish I could tell you that damn "L" word - but it means too much to me now, and it's scary to say. See you in a few hours again. I already miss you.

EM

t, i didn't say it but you looked so pretty yesterday in that bright color. it really suited you. I so liked that you didn't have any black on at all (I noticed you were wearing jeans instead of black pants.) It was fun showing you the shawl I made, I felt so proud when you said "There are no mistakes!" Of course there aren't... it's not that I didn't make any, because I did, but I still do like my grandma taught me and rip it out and do it again. Every time, no matter how many rows back it might be. And then my drawing... wow thank you for understanding it on the level that you do. And I so appreciate that you let me just sit there in silence looking at it and feeling it for a bit (because it's been in my briefcase all week and I hadn't been looking at it.) And one last thing. Thank you for asking if you could keep it. I don't know why, but that really made me feel good.

Dear T

I'm scared..

I don't want to do this assessment!

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Dear T-I have this unshakeable feeling that I am going to come in tomorrow and you are going to tell me something bad. Maybe you've decided I can't email anymore, or that you can't be enough of a support and will tell me I need to do something different. I failed TWICE this week in not e-mailing you. Sigh. Alcohol is so not helping the situation, but I am finding it hard to find something else to fill the void. I wish I wasn't made aware of that void, because now I can feel it, and it is sort of terrible.

I'm scared, and have to try really hard tonight not to drink. Right.

Its the weekend. *sigh*. Im scared. I don't even know how to begin telling you about this week.

I need you more than you need me.

How can I love you so much? I see that you are a regular person, but it doesn't change anything. I am overwhelmed and exhausted by the intensity of my feelings. I long for you so much...why can't you love me like I love you? Sometimes I see signs that you care as much as I do, but then other times you just treat me normally. Why can't I have you? I miss you terribly and I just saw you.

Dear G, I know you may be frustrated that I haven’t tried to connect with L for spiritual direction or tried to reach out for community earlier than now. You’ve watched me struggle for a year, and resist finding a spiritual connection. But there have been times that I’ve tried; it’s just that none of those places were the right place or time. I’d like to think that this past year isn’t time wasted. I’d like to think that deep in my soul, through the struggle and pain, a seed has been growing and waiting for the right time to emerge, to push it’s way through the earth. And now is that time. Although the time of year is autumn, it is early springtime in my soul. I feel like just in the last two days I have come out of the dark, forested part of the valley where it’s been hard to find the path, to a place that, although still dark, I can see on the horizon that the sun is about to rise, a thin but brilliant shimmer on the edge of a still dark landscape.

Dear T,
I wish you were still here to talk to about work stuff. There is sooooo much ridiculous crap going on there that even you would be surprised. New T is great and all, but she doesn't know the work situation like you did. How is it up in heaven? I miss you so much.

i feel bad that i kept interrupting you yesterday and you kept letting me. i don't mean to do that. it just happens.

I wish I was one of your kids. I love you so much.

Dear G, I feel like I can't wait until next Thursday because I have so much to tell you! I think you are going to be proud of me and happy for me when I tell you about spiritual direction and the soul care evening. I think you will be proud of me for finally getting out and meeting some new people. And I think that you will be happy for me about this long awaited spiritual awakening that is starting to happen for me. I just want to tell you about all the good things that are happening, because for so long things have been so dark and chaotic, and you've walked that darkness with me, you've been there in the darkness with me.

You have handled me so poorly, it is pathetic. Walking away and hiding like a child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Really, You are the one who should be ashamed not me!! It's not like you're just out of school and new to your profession. You are supposed to know better. You are supposed to be able to handle your own mess that you created. How could you possibly offer advice to a client when you squirmed and lied your way out of a teenage prank against your own devoted client.

What did I do! Words can not express what I am feeling. There is so much that I don't know what to say.

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I miss you and I shouldn't. I still love you and I shouldn't. I want a hug and I want to call you and tell you it's all my fault and I'll pay you to pretend everything is still the same and you still love me like you did. Do you know how much you broke my heart?

Do you know how much risk and agony and physical danger you opened back up for me? I'm responsible for my own choices so I would never guilt you with that, but you messed up our relationship and made it dangerous and then left me with all the pain and emptiness. I want you to understand how badly you hurt me and put me at risk. I want you to love me again and hurt that you hurt me... It's like I lost a close family member because of how our relationship was.

Therapy shouldn't leave you more scarred and hanging from a precipice.

But I miss you, and really that's all I feel today. If I thought you cared, I woukd call you, it's that strong right now.

You have invaded & violated MY LIFE for your own entertainment. You had NO JUST CAUSE. You should be ARRESTED!!!

I DID NOTHING WRONG and you're looking to make me into something I AM NOT!! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MENTALLY SICK!!

I WILL HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOREVER BECAUSE THAT IS HOW LONG MY LIFE WILL BE AFFECTED BY YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE AND JUVENILE ACTIONS!!!

Dear T,

Ok. So here I am thinking on something said to me in one of the court offices during that whole ordeal. They tried mediation rooms numerous times between myself and my exhusband, for point of clarity.
Was chatting about how I really shouldn't have married. She said that I probably wouldn't have been talked out of it, if someone tried. I did see some truth in that. At 25, and starting my involvement with my now exhusband, I can agree that wanting what I perceived as settling down with someone that was clearly into commitment to me was appealing. Plus, he was older, I felt that a man in his late 30's was someone who wasn't into slying around on the side. So, I guess there was no talking my 25/26 year old self out of it. I split my age since I was nearing my bday when he and I had met. Does that define me now? Heck no. I'm cautious. I either ask questions or truly listen for what's necessary for me to trust.

That's where I am, in this moment.

Me

Dear T,

Sigh. I miss you!

Dear T,

Some day, we will go our separate ways. How will I stand it? You have helped me so much. When I try to imagine our last session.....I cannot bear to think about it.

Dear T,

Last session was good, despite me being pissed off at you! I took a lot away from it, but one thing that I keep holding on to is when you said you weren't going anywhere. You've said that to me a million times I am sure in our almost 4 years together. However, it resonated with me so much on Friday. I am not sure why, but its a good little sound bite to remember right now. I hope you realize that I really am working on things. I don't like being in this place, I do look forward to a time in my life where I am stable and maybe no even need you so much anymore Thanks, T..

Is it too much to ask for support, encouragement, trust, loyalty & honesty? Is that too much for you? Tell me up front and not years down the line after I've invested time, money and my own allegiance.

Thanks.

I guess you felt very important and popular after contacting her didn't you?? You enjoyed the "power", the women, the glory. All at the expense of exploiting, humiliating and embarrassing me. You didn't blink an eye, oh except at her of course.

Was it worth it? I guess it was. You had years of enjoyment from your escapade. Years of talking about MY LIFE with someone who had NO BUSINESS knowing anything.

I was an easy target for all of you. All of you took advantage of me!! I won't forget!! It is with me every moment of every day and night.

I miss you. I don't understand it