Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I know we're not really supposed to respond to these, but just wondering if you feel worse since being on that dose of Wellbutrin and/or Cymbalta? They each seemed to make me worse in terms of those sorts of thoughts. (I've never been on lithium, but I think that can contribute to depression, too?) So you might want to talk to your p-doc and see about possibly changing meds.

You know, I was thinking the same thing, but was worried about responding as well. Didn't want to overstep. I thought lithium was for mania? I know meds can be very wrong sometimes; for example, I was on quetiapine, an antipsychotic, for three years, and I have no idea why because I'm mostly on the depressive end of the scale so that only made me feel like there was a concrete block in my head. So I came off that and was prescribed lamotrigine instead, which is an enhancer, and that has really helped me a lot. It is worth talking to your psychiatrist about this, for sure, to figure out what other options you have in terms of medication. You shouldn't have to feel this way, Achy Turtle Armor.

Dear MC,
I really really hope my reading of a story you told yesterday and of my interpretation of T's reaction today when I asked her about it was wrong. Because otherwise, your wife is the person living in your home who needs 24-hour care. I had been assuming, since learning of your need for a home health aide, that it was an elderly parent, but this little thing in the back of my mind wondered if it was your wife. Because you share personal stuff talk about your kids all the time and some stuff with siblings, but rarely about her. I didn't want to pry before back when you had to keep canceling. And I'm sorry if it seems like I'm prying now, because T said she'd talk to you about whether she could tell me (or if you would). And she said she'd worry it would have some sort of impact on me therapeutically. But I feel like, just knowing what's really going on would probably be better than all things I imagine in my head.

I just hope I'm wrong because you're still relatively young, and you help and care so much about other people (including me), that I don't want you to have to be dealing with this. I'm not sure why I'm so emotional about this--I guess it's just because I love you and care about you, so I don't want you to be sad or suffering.

But if you don't want to share what's going on, then I respect that and understand...

Dear T,

Please don't be mad at me.. I gave in.

I should see if you have an empty appointment for today - I think I need it. I feel like it anyway, but I won't. I wish you magically knew I needed to come in and text me that you had an opening if I wanted to come in like you did a couple of weeks ago. I doubt that will happen, as attuned to me as you are you can't read my mind. I wish I could ask for what I need.

I'm so glad you're back. Both sarcastically and for real

YES I say stuff I don't have control over. Uh, hellooooo - Israel?!
I then forget about that stuff when you ask, even though its freaking me out soooo much.
I then forget the real reason I don't want to go inside for Winter. WTF?
I then forget to tell you the last time I got a pitying look. Last week. When I forgot how to count and had to give the man in the cafe all my change for him to count out for me.
Yes, Ive been different in sessions. Not often, but it has happened. Turns out lying is absolutely automatic about that. I don't know why. I don't know why I answered the way I did.
You already know that. Remember that conversation - something about cars? Tyre pressure? I was so mad at you for making me do that.
Im really glad we talked like we did. And Im so pleased about everything you said, the questions you answered. But the girl in the woods is heartbroken. She thought you gave her the piece of wood. She loves it. She thought you knew she was there.

Welcome back

Why don't you answer your messages??

Dear T, i talked to you briefly tonight, and it made me feel worse. Here I was interrupting your family time, adn it was clear you were just checkig to make sure i wasn't about to kill myself.

I just wanted ot talk to you about how extremely sad i am. i feel hopeless. and worthless. and having you isn[t enough. as you said, being a therapist is a job, not your life. I get that, but when my feelings ARE my life, its so hard to separate. I did call a friedn which helped me feel a little better, but still. I am so so sad, T

I can't believe you actually answered the phone. You didn't sound terribly happy to hear from me but whatever.

I asked you if you had an opening yesterday. You didn't respond. I sent a novel of un-readable, all over the place, didn't make sense texts. You responded. You were busy. You are good at your job, you have a lot of clientele. I know I'm not the only client. You believe in me that I'll get through this and that I know enough to get through it. Except I've never been in this dark of a place before and I don't know how to handle it. I'm scared. I've said I was scared before but I mean it differently now. I'm terrified. . I wish I could see you today, I'm sure you'll want me to text you today but I won't. I can't. I'm too embarrassed about yesterday, besides what would I say? See you tomorrow, if I show up.

I'm really looking forward to our time tomorrow.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

After all my emails over the past 2 weeks, I should walk into your office tomorrow and not feel shame?? You know I won't look you in the eye.

I don't care about anything right now, and at some level it bothers me that I don't care.

I can't connect with people but I can connect with you. When you tell me about the things that have gone on with you, that so closely parallel what has gone on with me, I have such feelings of tenderness and protectiveness toward you.

I wish things were different.

T,
you said that some things i am only ready to talk about thru email. i agree with that. i feel much more comfortable writing about my experiences to you. i asked you if i will ever feel ready... to talk about it in person. you didnt respond. it was kinda late at night though. i wanna know though... do you think ill ever be ready to talk about what happened? to admit it? to say the words out loud? i know you know the basics of what happened. the details are what get me, like how far it went. the shame i feel is immense. i feel disgusting. will that ever go away?

me

Once again you've outdone yourself. Calling me just to chat at 9pm at night because we weren't able to meet this week. You just keep coming at me, making this connection deeper and deeper. I am so blessed. Thank you. I do love you.

Dear private therapist,

Thank you for being my pillar of sanity in a sea of emotional chaos created by my therapist at university. I feel completely safe when I'm with you. There's nothing to worry about. There are no confused feelings. You're just a kind and genuine person, and you're so patient with me. I'm truly grateful. I don't know what I'd do without you.

It hurts to look at you. You are so pretty, so put together and not a mess like me. I want you to be my parent so badly that it literally hurts to look at you. I love you so much. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

Why do I have to write in this stupid journal for you? It shows parts of me that I don't want anyone to know. And yet I know you will read through the whole thing. And that is the point. So I can actually tell you what I'm not able to speak about. But I still hate it. I write and then I'm filled with shame/regret and want to erase everything. I hope this plan of yours works...

Dear T,

You are back! You are back! You are back!
No, I'm not excited.
Yes, I am!

I'm mad at you. I know you did your job. But I'm still mad at you that everyone else can getvabhokdbofvyou and I can't.

Dear T,

Thank you for the laughter we shared the other day. Laughter shared is a sweet thing. I have no one to share special moments with. So, that made the laughter even sweeter.

LB

I have told you way too much about what goes on inside my head.
I know you're a safe person, but I feel you're not.
I wish there was an unsend on words that come out of my mouth.

T, I know that it's due to my current suicidal thoughts and distorted ideas but talking to you on the phone twice a day feels a little odd. It's not so much the phone call I get from you at 9pm but the phone call you ask me to make to you at 5:30am, when I wake up. I'm not even thinking clearly at that time of the morning. I know that you have seen me after just waking and you've even seen me in bed, both at the hospital. Hearing your morning voice though seems like something you would want to keep from me. I'm sure you have considered that the Borderline in me is still alive and well even though it's my depression that is rearing it's ugly head. There's no way that you would know that I would get excited to hear your morning voice. I am thinking about telling you this but then again I know that once I'm more stable the calls will end so maybe I should just keep quiet about it and try to keep a check on the Borderline stuff.

T,

i know i send you lots of texts about you being dead, are you dead, etc. you always respond back to me to let me know you are alive (even though a lot of the time you say you are dead and a zombie now ). my fears about you dying get kinda intense and with time i convince myself that you have died and then i think 'what now.' then i text you and you let me know you are alive and i feel relieved. thank you for letting me know you are still alive all these times , i hope my fear and obsession with your death eases up soon. i want to ask you, do you feel at peace with death? the death of others? the fact that you are going to die? i dont. i find it all unsettling and terrible.

me