Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Darling T,

You go above and beyond for me.
Thank you for truly caring.

EM

It's ironic that you didn't want me as your client yet you continuously USE my ideas, MY words and MY thoughts to keep you employed. You also used me to get a part-time gf - right up your alley.

I don't know how you can use people like that and look at yourself in the morning.

Dear G, I wish it wasn't so long until my next appointment with you. I am hurting so much right now and I just want you to hold me in your arms.

Dear T,

Do you hate your job? I'm sure every now and again you must think that you are wasting your degree on helping or not helping a small group of people, and particularly people such as myself who can't really be fixed and are not going anywhere. If you have dead-end clients then is your job a dead-end job?

I'm surprised you are dragging out this fiasco of a triangle you created. The burden of the agony is all mine of course so you don't care much. I still expected you to have the sense to apologize by now. How sad that you didn't.

I hope you are finding a way to stay safe. I fantasize about stuff like that too.

Dear G, I am finding some comfort right now in looking at your twitter profile picture and remembering how kind and gentle you are. I try to remember the things you say to me, but I've forgotten pretty much everything you said on Wednesday. I wish I could remember, but I think I dissociated a lot.

Dear G, it's such a relief to have everything out in the open, and to feel totally accepted by you. How could I ever thank you enough. No words could possibly be enough.

I apologize for texting you this weekend. I was struggling emotionally a lot, but I should have worked harder to manage my own emotions. I felt very much like I was being intrusive and my texts were inappropriate. I apologize for intruding into your family, private time. Usually you are kind and understanding, but this weekend you were short and almost mean. I guess, I crossed a line? I'm sorry. I won't let it happen. again.

You were a big mistake.

I thought we'd agreed how we would respond. You completely blanked me. That hurt.

T, I've wrote you an email about what a terrible day I've had and how utterly dejected and hopeless I feel, but I decided not to send it because I want to try and handle it myself.
My daughter has just been out of control today, she doesn't seem to care about the rules or the family and I feel weak and hopeless. She's six years old, how pathetic a parent am I? When she doesn't get her way she gets so angry and she tells me she doesn't love me and she hits herself, I just don't know where all this anger is coming from. What are we doing wrong? Today she said "I'll just kill myself then." Where does a six year old get an idea like that? It hurts so much.
She's a happy, well adjusted child at school and the teachers love her. She's bright and popular. Why does she behave this way at home?

Dear T. **** you.
Red x

For years I was in a lot of pain. A lot. And I had a really hard time using our relationship to help with that pain and to feel less alone. I had a hard time even talking at all, or telling you that it was happening.

Now it has come to my attention that you probably weren't even aware of how much pain I was in, how much of the time I spent thinking about killing myself, what an ever-present backdrop it was to everything. I spent probably 27.5 years like that, in pain constantly, white-knuckling through life, pretending (when I could) that I was not in pain.

Now, finally, the background noise has stopped. I can focus on other things. And I feel so, so grateful to you for that.

But I also feel angry that you (like so many other people in my life) apparently didn't notice...

What is wrong with me that nobody ever noticed, even you?

I feel petty for even thinking about talking to you about this, now...

I thought I was doing better today and maybe I am but I've been thinking about you a lot. I squeeze my eyes as tight as I can to keep it in but as soon as I open them they start to flow. I'm trying to get behind this and just let it out now. I've started feeling ashamed when I cry. I don't like it. It's not like my dog just died...

So what is this all about? The end. I can feel that you are preparing me for the inevitable. I know you want to retire though you've said before you could do it until you die. I imagine after eleven years with me you are probably ready to see the end. It's not like I don't. I mean I'd like to keep seeing you but I'd like to see the end of the craziness. I'd like to never feel suicidal again. I'd like to never want to cut again. I'd like to be free of this ****** personality. Do you remember telling me, "I'm not leaving until we're done?" Well I'm starting to wonder if you were serious. I think you forgot about that.

Why else would you mention leaving or dying 3 times in the last appointment & 2 times in the one before that? Why? Are you trying to teach me impermanence? Can't I just deal with one issue at a time? Why do you have to force it on me? Here's that heavy weight on my heart again. Please don't leave me. I'm trying to be strong but my life has no meaning. I don't understand why I stay alive except for the people in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone.

What am I supposed to be doing right now? What do I do when these thoughts take hold? I was coloring when this all dawned on me. You really are preparing to leave soon. You know I might even be able to deal with that if we could keep in touch but you've made it clear to me that when it's over, it's over. You will not ever be my friend and you're right, I can't force it. It's just as well. I won't even say it.

Whatever. Now I'm numb.

I want to mail my former T a letter with two words in big bold font, "F*** **U", no return address on the envelope but I'm sure you'll have a good idea who sent it to you.

dear t, i'm working with the image of the door and the door knob. i wrote a poem the other evening, and today i drew the door well i tried to anyways. a kindergartener could draw a better door than i could haha. but you were right, i do feel a sense of the energy from the journey again looking at what i drew. interesting. perhaps when i dream tonight i will find the door and open it....

I miss you and regular life! I'm ready to go back to life from vacation! I have**** to deal with... Let's get this over and done with!

Sent from my QTAQZ3 using Tapatalk

I'm scared to come see you tomorrow. You were so short this weekend when I texted you. I'm afraid of getting a talking to or worse getting rejected some how. Please don't reject me. Please don't give me another talking to. Please understand how this time is for me. Please.

Thanks for reminding me we aren't friends.

Dear T,

Lately I have been wondering if I am about done with therapy. I do not seem to have anything important to discuss. Maybe THAT is something to discuss.....

Friday is coming way too quickly. I don't think I'm ready to see you again.

I really, really miss you.

Woah, I am really really pissed off with you. I don't want to come back. Just because of one cancellation and a (badly managed in my opinion) lack of rescheduling....
I don't know if that's spun me out out and now everything's difficult, or I was already struggling and this tipped me over.
But I do know that I don't feel very safe about you right now. And I feel alone, and that I can't quite manage everything...anything....