Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I totally know the difference. When I'm having delusions, I feel like it's something I MUST do in order to "save" myself and continue my mission. And then when I'm depressed, it's just because I hate myself and want to die.

Dear T,

I had a dream about you and your kids last night. It was weird. I'm afraid if I tell you, you'll think I'm a creeper.

One day YOU should know how it feels to be made a fool of, to cry every day due to embarrassment caused by a T you trusted, someone you cared for, someone who said it was "safe" to tell them anything.

I already knew it wasn't "safe" to tell her anything. Why didn't you, the big genius, know??? Why didn't you think TWICE about telling her my extremely personal, traumas, that I entrusted to YOU?? She is not a professional in any shape or form. You are one BIG FOOL.

Yes, one day YOU should know the ultimate betrayal.

Dear T,

You say I can fill up the hole..you told me how this might happen....but I feel unfillable.

The hole is too large.
And I feel defeated.

I'll be like this forever.
I was born unfillable.

I have missed my whole life.
..

I care, Achy Turtle.

Dear G, my mom just texted me to see if I want to go for a walk with her this afternoon. I don't want to go with her, but I feel like I should. I'm just not sure I can.I am so emotionally drained, and I'm afraid that because everything is so close to the surface I might just unintentionally blurt out something about questioning my sexual orientation, which would be a huge mistake. Argh! Why did she have to text me?

I thank y'all for your concern and care. I'm still quite low but feeling safe.

Dear Pdoc

I'm thinking too much about you. I don't want that. Because when I think about you, I sometimes wonder what you could be doing now. You have a life. I won't ever be a part of your life. But it isn't that. It's that I don't have a life. My heart beats and everything, but I'm not really alive. I'm depression. Depression is all over me. I don't like anything anymore. I don't have hope. I don't have energy. I'm not close to anyone. It makes me so sad. And scared. I'm scared that I'll feel like this forever. ''They'' say that every depression ends. But when does it end? I can't go on like this for years. And I don't want that. But therapy and medication isn't helping me. And I don't know if it's ever going to work. I don't know what to do. I'm going to sessions and to your appointments, but the time in between. I feel so lonely and so much pain. How long will I be able I deal with it?

Dear T

It's more than 1,5 week till I finally see you again. Though I'm not really sure if I really want to see you. I kind of feel like you left me in a big dark wood all by myself with nothing at all. I'm not doing alright and I don't know what to do. Why haven't we talked about how I can cope with certain thoughts. We've talked about it, but you didn't really know what to do except to continue therapy. Why hasn't anybody talked about how to cope with these thoughts. There is also nothing usefull on the internet. I've searched, but whatever they suggest, those things don't help me. What to do when I've tried everything that I can think of? Why did you leave me without any help? Or without any option if I would need help?

Maybe you would say that I should talk with my mother. But I can't talk about this to her. It's too, too much for a mother. For anyone who's sort of close to me. Or know me. I don't really feel close to people. I can't burden them with this. They wouldn't know what to do any way.

Dear G, why did I agree to go for a walk with my mom? It was a huge mistake. I should have just gone by myself. My mom and I will never be able to get along. I wish you were my mom.

T,

im crying again

me

Dear G, I just want you to wrap your arms around me and hold me until all the bad feelings go away.

Dear G, why can't I just get over my mom already? I'm too old to still be this devastated by her.

Dear G, why does my life not get any better? Why has it just gotten worse and worse? The older I get the worse it is. I'm so lonely and afraid. If I could just get my life together and get a decent paying job and not need my parents help, if only I could be self-sufficient. If I didn't need their help I could keep my distance from my mom. Maybe what I need is to cut off contact with her. We just keep ending up in the same arguments over and over again.

I care also Achy Turtle. Please stay safe and hang in there!

I know this feeling all too well. I have many moments where I would give almost anything for my T to be my mom.

Dear G, I feel like my mom is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, living or dead.

Dear T: I wonder something about this t relationship. I really want to understand why and how it works. I don't get how us seemingly just sitting there talking has brought about so much change in me. Most recently the change I am seeing, is that I'm reaching out to friends and allowing myself to be vulnerable with them and it's helpful! Now I understand why they thank me for listening to them when I have! It's so good to be listened to and heard by the people you love. New for me to let them... but.... good just the same. Letting myself be loved is probably one of the best things I've learned how to do in our work together. I need to say that again. Letting myself be loved. That means I've internalized that I am worth being loved. Wow, how about that? And if I am worth being loved, then that means that I am good enough. And furthermore I have always been good enough, it's just that other people had their own problems and didn't know how to teach me that. Wow again. Am I really really finally ready to let that go?? The feeling of "not being good enough"? Am I finally ready to open that last door and let the real true me step through it at last?! Is that why the dream about all the doors on the ship? I guess we've been opening doors all this time getting closer and closer to letting out the real me. oh! the ship!! on water! I get it! Water being the unconscious. Like all this work we're doing is going down into the unconscious especially the journey work and the ship in the dream had those narrow staircases too. Wow I love dream work.

Dear T,

I don't get why you keep going back to the mother thing. I mean it's like you think all my problems are related to my relationship with her. I don't see the connection and I sure don't feel for you like I do for my mother. Maybe that's an issue for some clients but certainly not for most. Is it?

Yours on ice,

Creamsickle

I told you I'm a freaking broken record. But I'm afraid you're frustrated with me for coming in time and time again with the same things. I'm even annoyed with me.

Dear MC,
Please don't hate me if I end up calling you tonight. I just feel so alone right now , standing on the beach. I need yo. Please don't hate me for calling at 2 am on a holiday weekend...

I'm so sorry for bothering you. Hopefully texts won't wake you up or anything. Please don't be mad. I love you.

And I hope it's OK I texted. I promise not to keep bothering you. I'm sorry...

And just as I feared, I screwed everything up and have to start all
over again now. I guess even more than knowing you are staying, I have to resolve my horrible attachment issues. Otherwise I'll never make it. Except that I don't know how to break free from attachment issues.

Dear uni therapist,

I keep reading your emails over and over again, just in awe of the world of patience you somehow have for me. I feel closer to you than to my own mum right now, because I feel like you actually understand me in a way that my mother never will. Is that bad?

I miss you.