Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear T

**** you! You said I could be 4 weeks without you. You said that those 4 weeks will be over before I know it. You were so wrong! Ok, at our last session I wasn't feeling that bad. It was a little more manageable. But did you ever think that that could change? Because I'm feeling terrible. It really hurts and I almost can't handle it. Last night I've been crying until I finally fell asleep. This is how I felt before I took this medication. Maybe feeling worse again is a side effect from upping my dosage. I don't know. I didn't had it with other medications. I'll have to wait a week or 2 to see if this feeling stays. But how am I going to deal with this on my own?

How the **** do I deal with such strong thoughts? Do you even know? You've told me what numbers to call when I want to do it and you said I should continue therapy. But do you know how to deal with this? I know the places where you've worked and they don't deal with very heavy cases. You treat people with depression, but have you ever had another client with such strong thoughts?
That why I want to see pdoc. He has probably seen worse than me. And he asks about it, though he doesn't ask for details. Maybe because when he did asked, I didn't want to say anything.

But what should I do? I don't know it.

Dear uni therapist,

I have been obsessively checking my emails for three days now. It's reached a point where I'm checking it every ten minutes. HELP. I am losing it. I said in my last email I would shut up, but it's really getting to me now and my mind is full of really upsetting thoughts as to why you are not responding. I really regret emailing you. I'm so sorry.

I'm beginning to think that this is not a healthy relationship for me. Why do I have to love you so much? Why can't I just have a normal and rational connection with you where you could help me and I wouldn't lose my mind in the process?!

My best friend thinks I should text you, but I said in my email that I would shut up, so that would be stupid. I guess I'll just leave you alone.

I'm just a bad person. I'm no good. I don't even deserve to sleep.

Thanks then, no appt next week and no notice. Great.

Dear Ex-T.

What are you trying to do to me. The two T's you referred me to are no good.

One is demeaning and puts down the little progress I made. She doesn't accept that I had a connection with you- I think she's jealous. She gets upset with me becuase I'm in a dark place with bad thoughts. I'm not trying to be difficult. She makes me feel bad. She has not experience in my areas that I need help in. When I need additional help she just sits there doesn't offer me any.

I thought the second one would be good until last night. She put me down and judged me (I can't say why here because it's religious) and I thought therapists weren't to judge you. She too much of a zealot. She refused to let me leave until I agreed with what she was saying. I don't want to go back to her. She called me evil. I know that I am pure evil but for someone to actually confirm it left me disheartened. The session left me traumatized.

I wish you were coming back soon. I want to email you and ask you why you sent me to these two therapist, what was your reasoning behind that and when are you coming back. I'm afraid to say any of this in my weekly checkins to you. I'm trying to be good in them and just say bare minimum. I don't want to over-step a boundary. But I'm scared.

I don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I need you. But I know you needed time and all the wishing in the world is not going to bring you back any faster. My fear is that you won't let me know when your back.

Thank you t. That was powerful stuff.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I don't like these changes. I hope nothing else changes. I still think you are a good T. Adapting to this change is hard but I'm willing to do whatever I can to make things easier for you.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Dear T and/or pdoc

I was thinking. I don't get why I'm so depressed. I can understand why I'm depressed, but I don't get why it's so bad. The things that we think that caused my depression, those already were there 3 years ago and 5 years ago and 7 years ago. Sure, during those years more things have happened. And I've felt depressed several times during those years. But it was never this bad. Not even close.
Why is my depression now so severe? And why has it been like this for more than 1,5 years? I feel like I don't have any reason to feel this bad.

Dear T,
You let yourself get too close to me, and now it's hurting me and there's nothing I can do to make it stop. You should have known better.

I wish I could see you more than every two weeks but I can't at this time.



You don't seem like you would freak out on me like my last T did and abandon me. I just need someone to be with me and I don't have anyone. We meet this coming week, I look forward to it but I'm afraid.

A couple of weeks ago we ended the session with you holding my arm and my hand on your tummy. But I was so worked up by then the dissociation had started so I can't remember what it felt like to hold you as well as being held by you. It's driving me nuts because I can recall the still picture of that moment, but it's totally numb.

I know I'll never have another chance at this, I hate myself.

You've been on my mind a lot lately. The pain of missing you comes and goes and I can handle it most of the time (finally!). But not this week. I even dreamed about you.

I think it's the process of letting you go. Once again I'm entering a new phase, in which I feel the need to hold on more because I know you're slipping further away. In these phases I hurt more and think a lot about you.

Yesterday was nice. I remembered a situation from one of my sessions vividly and I could feel your energy. It was one of the therapy moments that was very healing.

I don't like you right now. Just because I do have a flexible schedule, doesn’t give you the right to change my appointment time so you can fit in more clients. You say it's so you can help more people. Or could it be that you want to be paid more? If you gave a damn about me, you would know how much I value consistency and how much you have screwed up my schedule. Yes, I have a schedule!

I also don't like that I still don't have a connection. Talking to you is like talking to the grocery clerk. You still seem cold to me. And all it does it make me miss ex-T more.

I don't know what to do with you. Do I stay? Is this what a gealthy relationship feels like? My gut says no. You (and others) stress that I use wise mind aka my intuition. So do I listen to my intuition which is screaming to me that this relationship is wrong? Or do I listen to my doubt which is confused and doesn't want to make a bad decision? Or do I listen to my emotions which also say this is wrong? Or logic...which doesn't know what to do, but it says that at least you seem safe. Or is the relationship that I want unhealthy and dangerous?

I can't trust anyone's advice nor do I know what to do. I'm stuck. What's the point of therapy?

Two really good sessions when I felt safe, and connected....now I feel crap. I don't want to come back. Which is convenient I guess, as I don't have an appt...I know I'm overreacting but I just feel rubbish.

What the **** is going on with me? I'm shaking so much I can hardly hold my phone much less type this out. I need to talk to you so badly. God! ****! What am I doing wrong? I'm crying hysterically. How is this not feeling it mother****er?! I feel the pain. If you tell me I am resisting I'm going to ****ing scream! I know that's what you'd say.

I am lonely. I feel left behind. I feel discarded. I feel unwanted.
Will I hide and stay silent over the next 3 days hoping someone gives a **** and wonders if I am OK? Yeah. Will anyone care? No!

i hope you are ok and i care

Dear B,
When you left I felt like that little 11-year-old girl who just found out her dad didn't want her. I felt like a child again. I know you leaving had nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feel like you didn't like or want me from the beginning. I'm sad and I'm angry. I miss you, and I think I only miss you this much because of the childhood feelings. I want to give up on therapy for good because I've hurt through it before. Nevertheless I've been having bad SI and sui thoughts. I made an appointment with the with your old intern, but I never showed up mainly becasue I want another T (I already knew her through school). I called pdoc and told her, but has hasn't called me back. Maybe God's telling me something....

Thank you. I'm managing to stay safe. I promised myself to keep it together until tomorrow. If I still feel like this, then I will contact my T. Thanks for the hug. I needed it.

I see you've gone away for the weekend to the summer home. How nice for you. I hope you have a horrible time. One of your worst weekends yet. After all you've done to me it's the least you deserve.

Today you canceled our phone appointment at the last minute AND didn't apologize. I had been looking forward to talking with you all week. Now I feel heartbroken and not worthwhile. I'll probably self harm tonight. Normally I wouldn't because I am accountable to you, but I don't feel like you care about me right now.

Thinking of you, turtle. Hugs.

Listening to our sessions on my iPad is helping me to hear your voice and your laugh. To remember what it is like when we have a good session where I feel connected to you. I hope we have more sessions like that.

Dear G, I am amazed that you still hugged me after what I told you on Wednesday. I don't know how you do it - listen and listen to everyone's pain and respond to everyone with such an open heart, so much kindness and and care and gentleness, so much acceptance and attentiveness. It just boggles my mind, and I am so grateful. I feel like you take care of me. You notice when I am pale and are concerned when you think I might be getting sick. One time you wiped a tear from my eye. And on Wed you knew my shoulder was hurting and you asked me so tenderly if you could get me a pillow or a heating pad or anything. Why didn't I let you do that for me? I guess I was feeling too ashamed to be able to receive your care. But I won't forget how much you care. You make me feel so loved. I guess now I know you really mean it when you say I can tell you anything and you won't abandon me.

I care. Please keep yourself OK.

T,

Again?! Seriously! I thought we talked about the difference between suicidal thoughts and "omg I don't want to but HAVE to" thoughts but I walked into pdoc to being asked about being suicidal! Really?! How do I explain in under 5 min THAT? So I just didn't. I looked at him with a mixture of stun, confusion, stress and betrayal picked myself up off the ground and continued with my appointment. I feel misunderstood, AGAIN! FML. I guess we do have something to talk ago next week. Grrr.