Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear G, please, please reply to my email. I need to confirm our next appointment. I am getting so worried because you haven't replied. I am such a wreck right now. My mom and I had a huge fight, and I really need to talk to you. I'm starting to panic.

I need you G. Please.

Please don't be mad at me G. Please don't be annoyed with me because I needed confirmation of our appointment. Please don't be frustrated with me for emailing and calling you. Please don't be frustrated with me for being clingy. There is so much transition, so many new things, so many scary things in my life right now, so many unknowns, so much uncertainty. You are the one stable person in my life right now, and it's so hard having to see you less often now. It's so hard knowing that after December I can't afford to see you anymore.

Yesterday's session was so awesome. Difficult at times, but really helpful. I appreciate how you told me what you think I still needed to work on. And I'm glad that I was finally able to tell you why I like talking to you so much. See you next week

I was glad it rained like the dickens today. Seemed appropriate.

G, I am so scared I am going to push you away by being so clingy. I push everyone away from me. I'm scared you are frustrated with me. I don't want to make you frustrated with me. I make EVERYONE frustrated with me. I make people abandon me. It's my fault.

I am scared of life. You feel like you are a million miles away from me. I miss you.

Dear P-doc and T,
Please don't make me go inpatient. I've never been before and didn't think it was nearly that bad. T, I kind of regret calling you now. Maybe this is what I get for waking you up at midnight...I know, you're looking out for my best interest, but I was in much better shape before trying the series of meds I've been on. Could I just go back to something more simple? Or maybe try no meds at all? Please don't lock me away and keep me from my daughter...I mean, you can't lock me away unless I'm suicidal or something, right? Because I'm not.

Dear T:

I read on these boards about how much other people's therapists seem to care and reach out and notice you have never done that for me. What is it about me that makes people never want to go the extra mile? It seems like most people in my life just use me for what they want. I try to be nice but it gets me no where. It doesn't matter anyway. I only got five weeks left with you and then you never have to see me again. I hate that you matter so much more to me than I do to you.

STOP MAKING ME WAIT I DON'T TO HAVE TO RING AND FIGHT EVEN FOR A STUPID HOUR OF SESSION. F*** it.

Dear MC,
I hope you don't want to be rid of me too. I love you so ******* much. I'm just going through a rough time right now. You've somehow put up with so much from me and remained kind and caring. Please don't change that on me now. I don't know why I'd expect you to, but T probably just wants to send me away, so maybe you do too...Please keep putting up with me a little while longer, just till I can get through this rough patch? Please?

I think I should contact you somehow today but I don't want to... Which is really a bad sign in itself. I never know what to say, especially when I don't want to go IP. "I don't want to go to the hospital but I thought I should call since I told you I would and I'm thinking clearly at the moment."

I guess that would do but I don't think that you'd let me hang up without agreeing to go to the hospital. So I either need to agree to not do something stupid or check in to the hospital. I think I will wait to see if I start gathering supplies. ****! It's like I'm fighting a battle in my head here. The sane me vs the insane me. I'm scared because it's almost the weekend. I will attempt to make a plan with someone today. That would be smart... Though I'd rather be left alone and sleep the weekend away.

Dear Pdoc

I now know that you have accepted over three hundred thousand dollars from drug companies. I'm just really glad you don't try and put me on any of those. Also I wish you would just give me a longer acting benzodiazepine for the trip I am going on with my school. I don't know if I am going to be able to manage.

Thanks
AnxietyMaster

You make me feel so happy and good about myself. I wish I could stay there with you forever. I feel calm and loved and have so, so, so much love for you. Coming home with your smell all over my clothes makes me remember the safety and warmth I felt while you held me. Oh, the feelings.

T, I wish I could understand these feelings.

Dear T,
I'm sorry for doubting you or thinking you just wanted to get rid of me. Sometimes I forget just how awesome you are. Thank you for supporting me in my self-care and safety plan so that I won't have to go the day program that p-doc recommended this morning. I don't want to go spend 4 hours a day talking to a bunch of strangers for a month (and be unable to see you or MC). I want help from the people I know and trust--you and MC and somewhat p-doc, though her push for the hospital thing and seeming unwillingness to just try other meds and give it some time has me trusting her a little less right now. But she hasn't known me anywhere nearly as long as you have and doesn't know me nearly as well.

So thanks for supporting me through this rough time and really listening to me and trusting me, rather than just throwing me into the hospital. I know you want me to be safe, but it helps to feel like I'm really being heard. And to know you want to keep working with me.

Oh, and I know I already said this, but sorry again for waking you at 1 a.m. with the phone call, and thanks for answering and talking, even though, as you said, you "weren't at your best."

Love,
LT

Dear Pdoc

I was just watching something and then you came in my head. I wondered what you are doing now. With who you are. Or if you're alone. I'll never know. Think about this, it makes me feel so lonely, sad, anxious. It hurts, this unrequited love. Will there ever be anyone who'll like me? Will I ever not feel lonely?
I miss you. Can I even miss you? It's still so long until I see you again. I want it to be that day so much. But for what? 10-15 minutes with you. And we only talk about how bad I'm feeling and how the medication isn't working. The appointments with you are currently the only things that I look forward too. It shouldn't be like this. I should be excited to go to a concert woth a friend, but I'm not.
You're currently the only thing (person) I like. I don't feel pleasure in anything, but when I saw you last time, I felt sort of good. I just liked being with you. It gave me a nice feeling. But when I now think about it, it also makes me sad. You see so many people. So so many. I'm just a patient. You don't even see me that often. I'm nothing to you. Which I understand, you're just getting paid to treat me. I just wish you wouldn't mean so much to me. I wish it didn't hurt me so much.

Dear G, I can't wait until I see you again, finally, on Tuesday. I just want to fling my arms around you, let all the tears out, and have you hold me close in your arms. That would be the most comforting thing right now, if you could just hold me close for a long, long time.

Actually T, it is you. More than you know. I absolutely adore you.

What is wrong with you?? I can't wait forever for the BIG APOLOGY!!

I miss you. I can't do this anymore.

Thanks. Your take on the situation ,or change in perspective, could turn out be one of the most life changing things to ever happen to me. Even if it's at "glacial speed".

That session when I told you something that I'm ashamed of and we agreed to work through it; at the end of it when you told me, "No matter what you do, I have your back," I didn't say anything in reply. Truth is, that meant the world to me. I walked off and cried.

Dear MC,
I'm still kind of freaked out about yesterday. I think p-doc is supposed to talk to you today to fill you in, though I gave you the basics in the e-mail because clearly you hadn't talked to her yet based on your positive e-mail to me. I hope you're on board with the plan, too, but I assume if T is, then you'll trust what she says. I just wish I could talk to you for a few minutes, since hearing your voice is so calming to me. But I don't want to bother you, so I'll just see you Tuesday. It would be good if you could write back, though, even if it's just a sentence that you talked to p-doc and everything is OK. Miss you.