Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

dear T,

thanks for the explanation. see you tomorrow

me

Darling T,

You have such a way.
I have already seen the non-t side of you.
Thank you for having your practice here.
Thank you for being one of the good ones.
Thank you for your genuine care.
I hope I don't screw it all up.
You reassured me I wouldn't.
Somehow I always do.
So I'll wait til that time.

EM

*
You would not believe the insanity I had to put up with today. Made me a wreck. Wish we had gone over more coping skills. Of course I have managed all these years somehow so I can revert to what I already know. It would have been nice to have had my T but I can't have that either. Just gotta talk myself into calming down. At least I can walk away from it all.

Dear T,
I have mentioned several times that there are recent things I have done and need to talk about but don't know how. Why can't you ask or help me along? I know you're not a mind reader, but I don't know where or how to start.

Remember when I told you earlier today that I was feeling a little better. Well forget about that because now I am extremely agitated and irritable. I can't stop clenching and grinding my teeth and they are starting to really hurt. I wish I could see you before Friday. It sucks that you only see clients two days a week. I guess I will just have to check in with you Wednesday like you asked.

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T, would you mind having my children? Come on, I never ask you for too much....

Dear MC,
I know you've said you don't want to keep giving me reassurance because I'll just keep wanting more. But tomorrow, I could really use some reassurance. I wanted to reach out to you or T yesterday, but was afraid it would just be a sign that I couldn't manage on my own and therefore would need a day program or hospitalization. I don't want to be afraid to reach out. I don't want to be afraid to make a mistake (any more than I usually am). So just a little reassurance, even it's just in your eyes and not your words--please?

All things end.

Something very special and very old ends tonight. If it weren't for the meds I'd be on the floor right now.

Instead I just sit here slugging down my third whiskey, knowing I have to go to work tomorrow and not caring.

I know what I should be feeling now, I'm glad it's not hitting me but somehow the lack of feeling itself bothers me.

Fourth whiskey. **** it.

Nobody left.

Darling T,

Best wishes.

EM

I wish I could return to the warmth of you lap, to the softness of your hands, to your heavenly scent. I wish I could hear your heartbeat and feel your skin on mine again, all the time, always. You mean everything to me. And I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I only feel my hands when yours are holding them. I can't tell you or admit it, but I wish you'd knew.

Dear MC,
I'm sorry you were only able to meet with us 20 minutes today due to an emergency (or an "urgency" as you called it, because you learned about it in advance). Thanks for still meeting, at no charge, and not cancelling. Maybe you sensed that I just needed to see you, to know that everything was OK? Knowing we only had a few minutes let me just dive in sobbing with my fears. Thanks for making me feel so loved and cared for--and actually saying the words that you care, which I'm not sure you've done before--not just by you, but also by T and to some extent by p-doc. Love you.

Why won't you hurt me?

I am really missing you tonight. I miss your smile, your presence and your hugs.

Dear T,
I have to tell you something but I don't know how....

I'm really upset with you right now.
I have to take responsibility for leaving the room so L could say what he wanted. I did.it without thinking. I was trying to be the supportive Mom. However, you are my T and I should not have given up any part of my session.
I found out after that you told him your door is open if he decides he wants to enter therapy.
Shouldn't you have discussed that with me before you extended the offer? Do I have no say so?
I thought you are suppose to be on my side? You didn't defend me when he said I wasn't a good Mom to J. That's not fair. You were judgmental of me. I suppose when I'm not sitting across from you, you are more truthful about what you think of me. When the idea of me being primed for days I had something to do, I was referring to leaving the house and you knew that's what I was referring to. Yes, when I don't have to go anywhere, I don't put on a full face of makeup and I usually wear Yoga pants, leggings, or pajama bottoms with a short or long sleeve t-shirt. Why is that so horrible? How does that make me a bad Mom. Do I need to have full makeup, every hair in place, and heels and pearls to be a good Mom? You let him twist my words into something I never meant? I suppose you don't look any less put together when your home for the day than you do in session.
I keep cycling back to you offering to be his therapist. That's total bull crap. You were sitting in the same chair and I was across from you and you heard me tell T that I wouldn't do Marriage Counseling with you because that would make you his patient too and I did not want to share you. Then, you go and extend the offer to L? Total BS!
Ya know, I have never heard you express negative opinions of me....I turn my back for just a moment and suddenly, I'm a bad Mom?

I've struggled with trusting you for 3 & 1/2 years now. Everytime I try to bring myself to trusting you more, something happens. How am I suppose to tell you how panicked I am all the time. How am I suppose to trust you enough to open up to you about my CSA? There's no way I can tell you about that now. I've NEVER mentioned it to anyone, though I am pretty sure K knew.
Then, you ignore all my angry notes I left for you. I think you like to pretend you never saw them becasue you don't want to address them. There's always an excuse. You obviously can't handle my darkness.

I think I'm about done with therapy. Most of the time you tried to make it seem like you cared for me a little. I should have known better....as I said in one of the notes I wrote you that you will claim the dog broke into your Evernote and ate my note. I am just a name on your schedule. I'm betting that if you removed my name from your shedule, you'd forget you ever knew me in just a few weeks!!!

More than anything, I'm brokenhearted! !! I wanted to believe in you. I really care about you. No, that's not enough. I love you and I feel like you stomped on me. I took comfort in imagining little scenarios where you'd comfort me....you'd let me be......
Now those daydreams offer no comfort because it was all a big lie for you and there isn't anything special about me except that once again, it's been proven that I am .....i'm never going to be worthy....Never

Dear MC,
I think it just sort of hit me, as I lay awake at 4 am: Is this what it feels like to be loved unconditionally? It's kind of scary, but at the same time it feels like a wound is in the process of being healed.

Dear T,

I think I'm bisexual. I'm too embarrassed to tell you.

Dear t: i don't want to come tomorrow. I'm so emotionally exhausted from pushing myself so much to be something i am not at work. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to run away back up into my head and go back to being invisible. I wasn't happy no but I'm not happy now either plus I'm worn to a frazzle emotionally everything makes me cry i hate me why can't they just leave me alone?

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Dear T,
I kind of wish you'd responded better to my comment about feeling unconditional love from you and MC. I know you probably are nervous about my using the word "love" because you've said before that T's shouldn't tell their clients they love them. But if it's that I'm "feeling" loved, that's not that same as you saying you love me. And why would it be so awful if you loved me and I knew it? We've known each other 4 years--it's not like I just met you. Yes, there's a bit of maternal transference, but nothing too intense (at least not like with MC). Why couldn't you have just gone with what I said? It just felt like an awkward opening to the session...And I feel weird about it now, like you're trying to hold me at a distance. Yes, I know, boundaries, blah blah blah, but can't you just be the person rather than the T right now? And hope you're not horrified at how open MC was about caring about me (regarding both you and him). Yes, he didn't use the word "love" but I felt it coming through in his voice and his eyes. I don't see why that's such a bad thing...

T,

i dont wish that you were my dad, but i do wish i had you or someone like you in my life when i was younger. you have said you have parented me in our therapy work and i do feel like i love you as a parental figure. we talked about that. but i am fully aware that you are not and can not be my dad. throughout our work i realized its up to me to parent my child parts that are wounded. i have used you as my role model because of the ways you have responded to me.. in ALL the psychological states ive been in. i know it took me a long time and probably a lot of patience on your end to get where i am now. i guess i want to thank you for accompaning me on my journey ... so.. thanks.

me

Dear T,
OK, I just sent you a long e-mail about what I posted above about your reaction to my "unconditional love" comment. I hope you're not mad. I always feel kind of guilty when I compare you to MC. Maybe you just don't want me attaching to you the way I'm attached to him. But if he didn't want that, he could just set up more boundaries or stop reassuring me. Yeah, there's probably some paternal countertransference going on with him, but I don't see why that's always a bad thing. He makes me feel cared for and safe, and that's really what I need right now.

And I hope you at least reply with something before I see you Tuesday...

I know we're not supposed to reply to these, but it just struck me that we're posting on rather similar issues at the same time--about loving T's like parental figures...maybe something in the air today?

maybe.. i was feeling upset and i wanted to text my T but i talked myself through it and im ok now. i realized that i had not been able to do that for a long time and i was thinking about how i got here. hes taught me so much

This was a common battle between me and my former T. I became obsessed with trying to get her to admit she loves me. I had seen her for 6 years and she had never seen anyone nearly as long as she had seen me. I could tell she loved me, but I wanted her to say it. I asked her if she would say it if I was on my death bed, and she said no she would never say it even then. It hurt a lot. But be careful. She crossed so many boundaries with me, that when she abandoned me it was literally traumatic given my abandonment history, and it's been over a year and I'm still in grief. So it's probably a good thing she didn't confess her love to me.

dear t: i am the most in crisis as i have ever been since you have known me tonight. i am not sure what set it off either. yeah all the stress with buying the house /moving and stuff at work well tonite h and i went to son's school for senior parents night, they had college reps there and were giving information about graduation and senior pictures and ordering caps & gowns and getting college scholarships and it was so noisy in there and i don't know what happened but on the way home I started crying these big ol' alligator tears and couldn't even speak to h what was wrong
i don't know what caused that thought to come up, why thinking about my son leaving home and going to college triggers huge feelings in me are they abandonment feelings? is it because i don't know what is going on in my head but i need you right now SO MUCH. i wish i could call you but i won't let myself. i didn't even want to come see you tomorrow because i was feeling so stupid about still needing you but now i need you a lot and tomorrow's session can't get here soon enough. i'll probably sleep it off though and not want to come anymore by tomorrow morning. i'm a mess. yeah.

Dear T

Tomorrow I see you again after 4 weeks of not seeing you. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Four weeks is long and it's feels long. You said time will fly by, but for me it feels like I haven't seen you for much longer than 4 weeks. And I don't really want to see you. I don't want to talk. I want to stay in bed. I know I won't be able to get better without therapy, but so far therapy isn't really helping me. And I feel like I'm doing worse than 4 weeks ago. How do I tell you My motivation is gone, if there was any to begin with. A few weeks ago I thought that maybe, just maybe, things could change. But now I just think it's hopeless. I'm hopeless. It's all pointless.

I haven't finished all my homework for therapy. And I don't feel like doing it. I need to write down positive things that happened during the day. I know I do a few things that could be seen as something positive, but I don't feel any positive feeling with it. I did a bit of excersize today, but I didn't feel anything with it.
And positive traits about myself. I don't see anything positive about me. I'm just nothing. If I'm anything then it's worthless, hopeless, a failure.