Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

T, it was interesting yest how you felt different than usual, in a different kind of role, still as a healer of course but different, more, i don't know what i mean really, you were just different. Not a bad thing, just different. I actually kinda like it better...

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I'm expecting to hear that myself as well, after getting shipped to hospital. Hugs.

You are not my tree person or my lasagne person. But thank you for referring me to someone who can do that for me. I was mad because I wanted you to be my tree person but now I see that you can't.

Its terrible feeling like that isn't it? UGH.

Terrifying. My heart drops into my stomach and my insides turn to liquid. I feel hot and cold just thinking about it. I don't know how I'll walk in there.

I need you. I know of I'm supposed to sit with this and move past and work through but I can't.

Why did you do this to me??? How could you do this to ME???

I don't understand it!! How could YOU???

I would have helped you if you needed me and this is how you treat me???

WHY??

For God's Sake WHY????

I can't take it anymore!!

How could you do this to ME????

T, Thank you for everything. I don't even know how to properly thank you or express my gratitude. I love you so very much, but not romantically. Love, me

YES. this is me tomorrow at 12:30pm EST. UGH. At least my anxiety tonight is overriding my depression!

See, I tend to prefer when the depression overrides the anxiety!

Good luck tomorrow

I know when you said that you meant that you wouldn't abandon me (and I believe you. And I (therapy) love you for it), but I really really don't want to be seeing you for 20 years. (Even though I'm going to miss you so much) I want real-life relationships that are as special as our therapeutic relationship. I want friends and best-friends (and maybe even a new husband or wife. Maybe. Maybe...) who are not at the other side of the world.
I am grateful for our therapeutic relationship and all that I have learned and am learning from it, but there is no denying the fact that it is Painful. I am so close - best friend close, to you, but you are not my friend, and that hurts. It hurts even more lately that you're so busy and don't have time to answer my emails between sessions. Even though I understand, I know, it hurts that I am not a priority. I know that you care, I know, I know. But I am still just your client and I don't want to need to send an email to my therapist when I'm upset.
20 years. No... No. I will not be lost like this for so long. I (therapy) love you and I am grateful but in twenty years I will be so far from where I am now and you will be a beloved memory.

Are we really only half way through the week? I don't even know where to start. I really have no idea how I will function until Tuesday. I know I will. I just don't know how.

The spin cycle is strong with this one. And its on steroids. Completely, and utterly wackadoodle.

You have no moral or ethical values. Breaching my confidentiality and making me the talk of the town was the worst thing anyone could do to me. You were just trying to impress her with your alleged "knowledge" about me. You succeeded but only at the expense of my life (which you both couldn't care less about). You may fool others but you're not fooling me anymore. You are miserable with no heart. Some day your lives will fall apart too. How would like it if someone betrays you at the lowest point in your life??

I so wanted to text you yesterday and tell you about my promotion. But I didn't let myself, because I'd already sent you that email Thursday after I got home so I didn't want to bother you again. You need to rest and take care of yourself. I should not have even sent that but I just wanted you to know how meaningful that work was for me. I'm sorry I am such a pest.

I need to talk about all these feels. You said "they're just words, they're just feelings," when you tried to get me talking about it a couple weeks ago. But there's nothing "just" about them. They're big and huge and I don't want to be having them. I suppose if I speak them to you they'll get smaller, right? Meh. I love you, and I hate that I love you, but I also hate that I hate that I love you. You know?

T,
When I think about all you've done for me, especially recently, I wonder how can I ever thank you? Then I thought that choosing life and making the most of it is probably thanks enough. Still, I want to give you a card and tell you the things I'm thankful for. Here is what I'd like to say...

Thank you for always leveling with me. Thank you for teaching me to catch whatever life throws my way. Thank you for sticking by my side. Thank you for knowing how to put a smile on my face. Thank you for understanding my changing moods. Thank you for getting more brilliant with age. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy simple pleasures. Thank you for your undivided attention. Thank you for helping me gain some confidence. Thank you for staying genuine. Thank you for helping me reach new heights. Thank you for showing me unexplored corners. Thank you for teaching me how to let go and relax. Thank you for inspiring me to see things differently. Thank you for staying flexible. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself when the time is right. Thank you for knowing when to pull back. Finally, thank you for love I can count on.

-ata

T, i feel like throwing up thinking about talking about these feels. When we were figuring out your card reader thingy i was looking at your hands again and they look so much like i remember my grandmas hands when I'd watch her crochet while she taught me and i got overwhelmed with love feelings for her but they get all mixed up with you and yeah.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

(((Artie))) my ts hands are like my dads hands when he used to do surgery on my doll and sew her arm back on that she got dragged around with

T, I almost cried today when you said you were not going anywhere. I am scared about all this talk about me possibly being an alcoholic. I was extremely thrown by it and now feel even more like a failure at life. I'm sorry.

T, I think you're compassionate, but you don't know how to talk to someone who is spilling their guts out, who wants to have their feelings validated with original feedback.

"Yeah, that sounds hard." / "Depression is brutal." Other generic responses.

I need more than this. I already know these things. I get more therapy out of my 30 minute psychiatrist sessions, it's like a psychiatrist really listens hard to diagnose, and probes and asks questions, while you just wait for me to talk. T, the first words you said to me when I entered your office were "So, why are you here?" And I think it's time I meet somebody else.

I will never get over you. I have realized that the reason I will never move on is that you are so good, so warm, so kind. You are like an angel. I have known you a long time and nothing you have ever done has changed my view of you. I just wish the feelings weren't so overwhelming and obsessive. Sometimes I really don't know how to act around you. I always feel like I am acting (and I'm a horrible actress!).

G, I feel so safe with you. Hearing you say that you were hoping and praying my spiritual direction appointment with L would go well, and you hoped she would invite me to the soul care events - it made me feel like from a very deep place you have my best interest in mind. And knowing that you sometimes go to those soul care evenings makes me feel like maybe the ending of therapy in December won't be the end of seeing you. Of course, it will be very different, but it makes me feel like you are inviting me and welcoming me into your life. I feel like you have a vision for me outside the churchy box, like you can see a totally different, more expansive, beautiful, free, and loving spirituality that I am only beginning to catch a glimpse of. You've been waiting and hoping for this to happen for me, and believed it could happen, even though I thought I'd given up on God and had lost all hope and was in such a dark place. You knew that, in addition to the psychological healing, spiritual healing was key for me, and you believed it could happen, even though I had given up all hope. You haven't given up on me, even though I had given up on myself.

I just feel so lucky to know you.

T,

Thank you so much for thinking of me when you were at the store. You have no idea how much that means to me. I didn't think you thought of me outside of sessions. I feel so loved and cared about and important. I am glad you know how much I love you, in a healthy therapeutic way. I know the feeling is mutual. I feel so safe with you.

Even though I told you that I think your attractive what I didn't tell you is that I think you're hot. Having said that I am not delusional! No fantasies of a relationship, just some passing thoughts of your hot-ness

Trying to work out where you fit in. You're not my favourite person anymore