[scorpiosis37]

Since my therapist left for medical leave without giving me the referral she promised, I started using the psychology today website to find myself an interim T. The first one I met was awful. She had a pre-determined program that she uses for all clients, and when I told her that some of the things do not fit with my belief system (I'm an atheist and do not practice anything "spiritual"), she tried to tell me that I would change my mind once I was "ready." I decided not to go back to her. The second T I met with 2 weeks ago, and I thought the appointment went well. She gave me the homework assignment of writing down a narrative of all the women in my life who were maternal figures to me, and who eventually left. I did the homework and was mentally prepared for my second session today. However, I woke up to a phone call informing me that she had decided she did not want to work with me because she decided I need a trauma specialist. I never said anything during the session about wanting to work on trauma. In fact, it seems ridiculous to think I would begin doing trauma work with a T I just met, who I only plan to see for 1 or 2 months, while my regular T is on leave. Regardless, I can't make a T want to work with me. I just wish that she would have had the consideration to let me know that sooner. Our session was 2 weeks ago! She waited until today, the day of our next session, to cancel? After I did a really emotional homework assignment that I now have no one to talk to about? So she abandoned me after assigning me homework on my abandonment issues? That's just cold. And now I can't find any other LGBT therapists in my area who are taking new clients. I must have called at least 20 and these were the only 2 who bothered to call me back and said they had openings. Honestly, I'm feeling kind of angry at my regular T for failing to give me the referral I asked for and putting me in this situation. Oh, and to top it off, I decided to join a group therapy thing, and the facilitator said she would call me last week to check in on me since I said I was going home for the week and would be forced to see my biological mom. But, of course, she failed to call-- and I really could have used that call, especially now that I don't have an individual T. Ugh. It makes me not want to go back to the group (which I've only been to once) because now I don't trust the facilitator. Why do people, especially T's, say they will call or give referrals-- when they never follow through? How hard is it to get a little bit of help and consistency? All this experience has taught me is that I should never trust anyone. If someone says they will do Z, I should assume they will not because anything else leaves me disappointed.

[Rive.]

Agreed re people in general (and Ts really should know better) saying things they don't follow through. Don't say/promise anything then?! And yes, it really doesn't help one trust people.

You seem to have some rough luck with these Ts...and you did well to give up on them. Still, just a couple of thoughts:
1) is it too late for your regular T to give you this referral? Can you chase her with it or her secretary? Obviously her health situation takes precedence but (imo) she really ought to have made sure her clients got a 'security net ' in the interim...

2) I would still go to the group facilitator thing (despite feeling miffed from their lack of consistency) just because this is currently the only source of support you have. Kind of like a "don't cut your nose to spite your face" type of thing. What do you think? Could you give them another chance?

3) additional thought. Would it be possible to look for anyone (T) decent, even if not from an LGBT orientation? Again, just so you have someone for you.

It's not easy finding Ts who resonate with us but don't give up. There's got to be someone for you out there...

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rive.

agreed re people in general (and ts really should know better) saying things they don't follow through. Don't say/promise anything then?! And yes, it really doesn't help one trust people.

Thanks!

You seem to have some rough luck with these ts...and you did well to give up on them. Still, just a couple of thoughts:
1) is it too late for your regular t to give you this referral? Can you chase her with it or her secretary? Obviously her health situation takes precedence but (imo) she really ought to have made sure her clients got a 'security net ' in the interim...

I actually did send an e-mail through her business website. She doesnt have a secretary or receptionist or anything like that, but maybe someone is answering her wesbite email? I'll see if i get a response.

2) i would still go to the group facilitator thing (despite feeling miffed from their lack of consistency) just because this is currently the only source of support you have. Kind of like a "don't cut your nose to spite your face" type of thing. What do you think? Could you give them another chance?

I am still planning on going. It's on thursday. It's just unfortunate that i had a good feeling about the group when i went to the first session (and the facilitator knows my t), but now i no longer have a positive opinion of the group/facilitator. I'll be honest (but polite) and bring up the fact that she did not follow through on the phone call. I will see what her reaction is, and take things from there. I don't want to quit the group, but it will be informative to see whether she owns the mistake or not. The only thing is that, since i no longer trust or feel safe with her, it no longer feels okay to share very personal things in group. I will go but limit my trust and participation.

3) additional thought. Would it be possible to look for anyone (t) decent, even if not from an lgbt orientation? Again, just so you have someone for you.

The first t i did a consulation appointment with was actually not lgbt (i was trying to be open) and that session just made it sooo clear to me that i need someone who is lgbt. The stuff i am working on is all about relationships, and if my t just doesn't get it and says things that make no sense (and are often really offensive), she really can't help me.

It's not easy finding ts who resonate with us but don't give up. There's got to be someone for you out there...

Thanks!

reponse written in text

[stopdog]

I am sorry you are having such difficulties. I second the suggestion that you might consider someone who is glbt friendly - but not necessarily lesbian or gay themselves. I see one now who has a gay son for example - and although I use her differently than you seem to - the one I see does get a ton more care-ish with those who want it. I knew another lesbian who saw her and who kept describing the woman as her jewish mother therapist. Not at all how I see the woman, but apparently it was possible.

[Leah123]

My therapist also has a long history working with queer women and she has really kept up well and had a good understanding of my issues. It doesn't phase her a bit to talk about all kinds of sexuality, to be involved and to have good perspective for me.

Maybe that first one you saw was inept, but it certainly doesn't have to be true of all the non-lesbian ones.

[scorpiosis37]

I don't require that my therapist identify as lesbian (my current T is bi), but I do want someone who identifies somewhere on the LGBT/queer spectrum. I might well be open to a T who has a LGBT family member, but I don't want to try a random therapist who does not write anything about working with LGBT clients in their online profile. I already contacted all of the T's who mention working with the LGBT community (for all I know, some of them don't even identify as LGBT-- they just incorporated it into their profile). I've had more than one-- in fact, at least 4 that I can think of-- bad experiences working with straight therapists who just don't get it and that was the primary reason why I stopped working with them. It's not that they didn't want to hear about it (they had no problem with that); it's that they just couldn't understand or relate. I already feel "different" when I go out into the world. Therapy is one place where I shouldn't have to feel "different" and shouldn't have to work so hard to explain or defend myself. I'll keep looking and, eventually, I will probably find SOMEONE.

What is really frustrating me right now is how inconsiderate that temporary T was. I returned her voice mail where I very politely let her know that I respected her decision, asked her if she had a referral for me, and just mentioned that I wished she could have let me know earlier so that I could have used the last 2 weeks to start making other arrangements (and NOT done the really probing, emotional homework that I now have no one to talk to about). She responded via text and was pretty passive aggressive. She said that she waited so long because she wanted to find a referral for me before she terminated me-- but she didn't give me a referral! So how can that be the reason? And if she was concerned about referring me, she could have had the decency to call me, tell me she wasn't going to see me (so I wouldn't do the hw) and that she would get back to me with a referral once she found one for me. Obviously, I didn't say any of that. I just found it upsetting. I've gotten quite a few knocks lately and I could just really use some support. I could really use a "win" in my life.

[Leah123]

I'm very sorry it's such a hassle. I'd probably try one more phone call to that original list of 20 you rang- if 18 didn't call back, I'm sure some will on the second round. I know you might feel you're setting yourself up for irresponsible T's but if just one of those is a good T who had a fluke or was away or something....

Good luck, you do deserve a win!

[JaneTennison1]

What a hassle! If it helps any ex-T didn't mention anywhere on her website she was LGBT friendly and it turned out she was bi so it's not always a clue.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I'm very sorry it's such a hassle. I'd probably try one more phone call to that original list of 20 you rang- if 18 didn't call back, I'm sure some will on the second round. I know you might feel you're setting yourself up for irresponsible T's but if just one of those is a good T who had a fluke or was away or something....

Good luck, you do deserve a win!

Most of the 20 I called did call back; they just said they were not taking new clients. With those who did not call back, I went to their websites (if they had one)-- a few of them had it written that they were not taking new clients or were currently on leave/long vacation. There were maybe 3-5 who just never called back and didn't have a statement on their website. I could call those few again and leave a second message, but I kind of doubt that they are looking for new clients. I live in an area where it's often difficult to get a T appointment and most of the good ones have big waiting lists. I'm not totally giving up; I'm going to keep trying a few different avenues. I'm just allowing myself to feel frustrated right now. I know life isn't fair, but it feels like I'm receiving more than my share of ***** right now.

[Rive.]

It is understandably frustrating. I also don’t get that 2nd temp T who gave you homework and then said 'no, thanks'. Unbelievable. Some Ts really take the mick...

I agree that it might be worth opening up your criteria (i.e. other avenues) if none of the LGBT ones are available. I don’t know how it works where you are but is calling them up and asking for such details (i.e. probing re religious/gay-friendliness issues) not an option? Or email enquiries (to those who don’t specify lgbt etc.)

Or could the group facilitator not be able to help with referrals (i.e. lgbt friendly Ts or simply decent/open/non-judgmental names) seeing he knows your T?

I hope your T (or anyone monitoring her website) gets back to you at any rate... Good luck to you!

[eeyorestail]

Wow, temporary T who cancelled after waiting for two weeks sounds like an unprofessional jerk.

I wonder if there is an LGBT organization (like a support group or political group) in your area that might keep lists of LGBT-friendly Ts. Maybe it's possible there are some on their list that aren't on Psychology Today's?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[SallyBrown]

Right? As if regular people were not disappointing enough (friends and family have been shocked at my blase response when someone lets me down in a predictable way... it's like, have you met people? they almost never do what they say they're going to do)... you'd think someone who actually chooses to go into a profession where you've taken some approximation of the Hippocratic oath would be even a little bit better. I have had my own referral stupidity in the past. To be fair, I've also had other Ts make good referrals in a timely fashion. But the referral fail I went through came at one of the worst times possible, from someone I had come to trust very deeply. It's more wrenching than it feels like it needs to be. Something about it being a sort of deeply personal betrayal, PLUS being a professional fail... I don't know, for some reason that really got to me even more.

I have been away awhile and was trying to catch up a bit and saw some of the s hit you have been going through. And I am really sorry. Sorry for what has happened, but maybe even more so for the lack of support you've been getting IRL. I have to say I was pretty cheesed off with your T's response to one event in particular. And now this.

No advice really. Just sympathy, empathy, and agreeing that you deserve better. I hope things start looking up for you.

[Myrto]

Wow I'm sorry you're having such ****** experiences with therapists.

Is your T going to be on medical leave for that long though? Would you consider having a break instead of looking for a nex therapist? I'm asking as you seem to struggle to find a decent LGBT therapist and perhaps a therapy break would be better.
I've had a two months break of therapy and it gave me a better perspective on things.
But of course that may not be what you are looking for.

Good luck anyway!

[ruh roh]

I'm really sorry this has been happening to you, but I do know that it's effing hard to find a good therapist that's a good fit. (Honestly tho, being given a 2 week assignment to dive into abandonment history, only to be ditched by phone is unbelievably harsh.) Have you considered online therapy until your therapist is doing better? I haven't done it myself, and would not personally find it useful long term, but maybe for short term, it might tide you over?

[scorpiosis37]

Online therapy might be worth a try, depending on the cost. My insurance covers my therapy and I don't know if they would pay for an online provider. I like the idea for a temporary stop-gap, though.

Taking an even longer break is not really an option. Because my therapist was not herself the last two months (and cancelled at least half of our sessions), my "break" really started before she left. It's now been almost 3 months since I had "real" therapy, and I have no idea when she is returning, or even if she is returning. She said she would give all of her clients an "update" in mid-September, but she also said she would give all of her clients referrals. So, I don't feel like I can count on getting that update and, even if I do, it might just be "I still have no idea if/when I'm retuning." I'm really, really struggling right now and desperately need the therapy I've been needing for a couple of months. I never got to work through the sexual assault and I never got to talk about how I feel that my therapist might be terminally ill-- or that I now feel like the person who has been my "maternal" figure for the last 5 years might not actually care about me after all. I no longer trust my T, which is probably the biggest problem. If I can't trust her, then I really can't trust anyone. She's the person who makes it feel "safe" to reach outside my comfort zone IRL. But if I can't trust a T to do what she is paid and required to do, how can I trust regular people to do things just out of the goodness of their heart?

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're going through this. And I agree that the T who gave you the assignment, then two weeks later cancelled your appointment was rather cruel. Have you only tried looking for T's through Psychology Today? I'm just thinking that some might not list in there. Try just searching online for, say, "therapist" and your state or city. Some T's have websites where they might describe themselves, the types of issues they work with, etc. Or as someone else suggested, if there is some sort of LGBT advocacy group in your area, see if they have a list. Or even national groups might have some sort of directory online?
At this point, it almost seems like it would be better to just have *someone* to talk to, even if they're not quite the right fit. (Obviously not someone super religious or dismissive). Good luck.

[Crescent Moon]

What an awful experience. What you sent her was so very reasonable.. And for her to tell you that you need someone else but to not give e you names is just wrong.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by krminnj

Wow, temporary T who cancelled after waiting for two weeks sounds like an unprofessional jerk.

I wonder if there is an LGBT organization (like a support group or political group) in your area that might keep lists of LGBT-friendly Ts. Maybe it's possible there are some on their list that aren't on Psychology Today's?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thank-you. I should have mentioned that I actually used an online LGBT therapist referral network BEFORE I even went to Psychology Today. I called the everyone on the (short) LGBT list, then I went through the PT therapists who indicated they work with LGBT clients. This morning I expanded my criteria and made a few new calls. I also got an email last night from my real T, in response to the email I sent her business. She said she had been thinking about me and hoped that my summer was "joy-filled." She gave me one name, and said I was free to write her while she is on leave. On the surface, I get that it sounds like a nice message, but it felt really "off" to me and, honestly, pretty fake. The email I sent her business indicated that I was having a horrible time finding a temporary T and indicated that she did not give me the referral I was promised. She took no responsibility for that and, if she thinks my summer is "joy-filled" with no T and no support following an assault, she is really not paying attention. And how could she be thinking of me often and not remember she didn't give me a referral? Anyway, I sent her a polite email back asking her how she is feeling, if she got any more news on her health, and if/when she might be returning. So far, no response. I also called the T she recommended, and no response yet from her either. Her website also says she is not taking new clients, so I think it's a bogus rreferral.

What are some online sites I might try?

[scorpiosis37]

The therapist my T referred just called back to say she is not taking any new clients and my T should have known that. NO ONE is available. This is getting so frustrating and ridiculous.

[ruh roh]

Wow. Her response is bizarre. I wonder if a) she is on medication and not thinking straight? and/or b) she is having someone else reply to her business emails? The disconnect is astounding.

I don't know online therapy resources, but it has been posted about a lot on pc, so I think a quick search will bring up a few.

[stopdog]

To me, the response sounds like a sort of general response made to all clients with maybe a name for referral thrown in rather than a fully separate individual response.

[Kat605]

Hi.
What a frustrating situation! Yes it's so upsetting for me too when professionals especially aren't consistent and don't follow through and then expect clients to do just that. That was the big reason I had had enough with my last t.
Anyway I'm very good at online research/ advocacy in this area and was gonna say I'd be glad to help. But since you've called twenty people it would be likely the same twenty people I would have found so yeah. I'm upset to on your behalf mostly at your current t for not giving you the referral. I would have a long talk with them when they got back!
a And yeah those two you saw sound horible!
If you do need help with research, a break where someone else does the writing/ calling I would be glad to do that.

[Love Your Suit]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Since my therapist left for medical leave without giving me the referral she promised, I started using the psychology today website to find myself an interim T. The first one I met was awful. She had a pre-determined program that she uses for all clients, and when I told her that some of the things do not fit with my belief system (I'm an atheist and do not practice anything "spiritual"), she tried to tell me that I would change my mind once I was "ready." I decided not to go back to her. The second T I met with 2 weeks ago, and I thought the appointment went well. She gave me the homework assignment of writing down a narrative of all the women in my life who were maternal figures to me, and who eventually left. I did the homework and was mentally prepared for my second session today. However, I woke up to a phone call informing me that she had decided she did not want to work with me because she decided I need a trauma specialist. I never said anything during the session about wanting to work on trauma. In fact, it seems ridiculous to think I would begin doing trauma work with a T I just met, who I only plan to see for 1 or 2 months, while my regular T is on leave. Regardless, I can't make a T want to work with me. I just wish that she would have had the consideration to let me know that sooner. Our session was 2 weeks ago! She waited until today, the day of our next session, to cancel? After I did a really emotional homework assignment that I now have no one to talk to about? So she abandoned me after assigning me homework on my abandonment issues? That's just cold. And now I can't find any other LGBT therapists in my area who are taking new clients. I must have called at least 20 and these were the only 2 who bothered to call me back and said they had openings. Honestly, I'm feeling kind of angry at my regular T for failing to give me the referral I asked for and putting me in this situation. Oh, and to top it off, I decided to join a group therapy thing, and the facilitator said she would call me last week to check in on me since I said I was going home for the week and would be forced to see my biological mom. But, of course, she failed to call-- and I really could have used that call, especially now that I don't have an individual T. Ugh. It makes me not want to go back to the group (which I've only been to once) because now I don't trust the facilitator. Why do people, especially T's, say they will call or give referrals-- when they never follow through? How hard is it to get a little bit of help and consistency? All this experience has taught me is that I should never trust anyone. If someone says they will do Z, I should assume they will not because anything else leaves me disappointed.

Out of curiosity, are you seeking or have sought out, Therapists or Psychologists?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by stopdog

To me, the response sounds like a sort of general response made to all clients with maybe a name for referral thrown in rather than a fully separate individual response.

It was definitely a personal response, written just to me. It had a few details in the message that were specific to me, plus she sent it as an re: to my message, three weeks after her leave started. It was just really out of sync with me.

To respond to the other poster, she was not doped up on meds not was someone else responding for her. I wish that were the case, because that would be a reasonable excuse. I don't know what the situation with her health is right now, but I do know quite a few people who know her, and heard that she has been on vacation to spend time with her loved ones. I'm sure she needs it and she should be spending time with her people, especially if she does have some kind of progressive illness. It's just hard to feel tossed aside, like it doesn't matter what happens to me while she's gone... If she even comes back. Of course, she didn't respond to that message I sent asking if she knew whether she would be coming back or not.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Love Your Suit

Out of curiosity, are you seeking or have sought out, Therapists or Psychologists?

Either/both.