[lauren_helene]

I have to share this. I had my session yesterday and it went very well.

Let's start with good news! My T's assistant wasn't there yesterday and so my T handled my scheduling. I asked for weekly standing days/times and he agreed and started looking at June because May I already have my appts.

At first said that the first week of June was booked and went on to say 'I'm not trying to get rid of you I promise'...then he did find a time to squeeze me in. I realize that this is my issue and not his and I said so. I so appreciated him saying that to me and fitting me in. It means so much and feels like he cares.

Now during the session, we were discussing my recent resignation from my job and my abusive female boss that I no longer have to see ever again!

I mentioned how I'd rather have male bosses because every time I have a female boss, I get burned by her. Like I just did with my current one and am now out of a job. They want to get close, I'm their sounding board and before you know it, they turn on me. T says that I have to realize that I should be friendly but not get familiar with any bosses.

I said men are easier for me to be around, easier to work with. He said 'not always'...and then asked me if I thought male coworkers, bosses etc. had poor boundaries and wanted to have sex or be with me. I might be paraphrasing here because I don't remember exact words.

Anyway, I said no unless he's hot then I don't care. He knows that both times that I married, I met my husband at work. I did have one affair years ago with a guy I worked with in my department that was higher than me but not my boss. It was mutual though and they certainly didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do.

I've had other male bosses that I connected with and had special relationships with but they never made a move on me. He knows this too I've told him about it.

I feel like there was something else to his comment. I asked him if he thought I was being inappropriate with males at work. He said it wasn't an accusation he was just wondering because other women had felt they were too sexualized by males at work.

Ha! He doesn't just wonder...not my T...this is another one of those mental bombs that is starting to go off on me today.

I'm stuck..help! What is the point I should be taking from this?

[SecretGarden]

I am glad that he is setting you up on for regular visits.

Do you feel you are appropriate with males at work? How do you feel about that question being asked?

Will answer more in a bit... this eve.

[lauren_helene]

I think I am being appropriate. I do not openly flirt at work at all and take my job and career seriously.

My current husband was a coworker and friend. It developed into more years later. My last husband (this sounds bad doesn't it?) was a coworker and friend that also developed into more. Both times I ended up getting another job and we still stayed together and married.

Now the affair with a coworker in my dept? Yes, inappropriate very much so. He is a long story as this went on for some time.

How do I feel about being asked this question by you or my therapist? Well, I guess I feel that it is making me think about why I need close male relationships at work...? Maybe this is what he's trying to say or that I'm giving off sexualized vibes? Maybe no male boss can actually treat a female employee specially unless there is a motive?

Again, several of my male bosses and I had great relationships and we are still in touch today. Never ever made a move on me or me on them...am I getting somewhere here?

[MissCharlotte]

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I mentioned how I'd rather have male bosses because every time I have a female boss, I get burned by her

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Oh yeah Almeda, I have found the same to be true and I am shocked and surprised at myself! (Having always been a champion of women's rights).

Hmmm as far as his question, oh I hate it when a bomb goes off in my head, it hurts so much! My guess is that it's food for thought for you; maybe he was trying to get you to see the other side of the coin--and not generalize all women or all men as the ideal/crummy boss/type.

Maybe you are able to relate to men in a way that many other women can't. As friend/coworker, etc. without feeling sexualized. And maybe that's a good thing/not necessarily a bad thing and it was just something he noticed.

It's only what you see as relevant anyway. But I hate it when they do that.

[SecretGarden]

I am not creating any judgement by that question... just asking the question. I think that it is interesting and worthy of consideration.

Frankly I wish I was more like you in being more comfy with men. I think it is a father thing in some ways. Either recreating your relationship or looking for what you missed. Were you closer to your mom or your dad. Just reaching for things... I really do not know.

You do have some success here in meeting men...wise or not. Maybe indeed he is just bringing it to your attention. I guess I am not sure what the question is.....

Care to expand a bit more??

I think he's trying to get a sense of your patterns. Or help you get a sense of your patterns. You know, because even if you are appropriate with the men at work, there is still a reason that you are drawn to men and have adverse relationships with the women. That, along with the affair and marrying two men who were coworkers, are very significant factors. When you try to decipher your patterns, try to think more about your thoughts and feelings in regards to the males at work, rather than your behaviors... do you know what I mean? Like, you say that you are appropriate with them... so that is behavior. Try to focus more on what is going on inside regarding your relationships with them... and compare it to how you think and feel about the women. Our behaviors don't always reflect what is really going on, so that's why I say all of this.

I'm really, really glad you had a productive session, and most of all..... that you got more appointments scheduled!

do you have many female friends or are your friends mostly guys?

i ask because... most of my friends are guys.

had a not so good relationship with my mother... i guess i tend to experience women as kind of comparing themselves to me and so there is a 'better than in this respect' 'worse than in this respect' kind of comparison dynamic going on which makes things feel a little uncomfortable. i don't know... i'm sure it is partly about me and partly about them but i just don't seem to get along with girls all that well...

i find the dynamic with guys to be different, however. feel more relaxed around them and find them to be more easygoing and accepting and not comparative / *****y. i guess... they tend to take on fatherly roles (so i feel looked out for, protected, nurtured) or a brotherly role or sometimes there is an erotic kind of attachment / attraction too. anyway... that kind of dynamic helps me feel comfortable in their presence and supported and cared about and stuff.

i guess i'm wondering whether you might have similar male / female dynamics operating in your life???

i think pinksoil is right that he is trying to get a sense of your patterns.

[lauren_helene]

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sister said:
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I mentioned how I'd rather have male bosses because every time I have a female boss, I get burned by her

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Maybe you are able to relate to men in a way that many other women can't. As friend/coworker, etc. without feeling sexualized. And maybe that's a good thing/not necessarily a bad thing and it was just something he noticed. It's only what you see as relevant anyway. But I hate it when they do that.

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I know Sister. I hate this!! We are leaving for a trip tomorrow and won't be back until the 29th. Then the next day is my session. thanks for your thoughts. I can relate to men better but my T thinks I do not relate to men right. I find men easier to talk to. Most men I meet are not trying to compete with me, they accept me for me. That is how it seems anyway.

We've talked before about how I sexualize men a lot. He says he doesn't think it is about sex for me though. He thinks that what I really want is love and acceptance. He's right about that.

[lauren_helene]

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SecretGarden said:

Frankly I wish I was more like you in being more comfy with men. I think it is a father thing in some ways. Either recreating your relationship or looking for what you missed. Were you closer to your mom or your dad. Just reaching for things... I really do not know.

You do have some success here in meeting men...wise or not. Maybe indeed he is just bringing it to your attention. I guess I am not sure what the question is..... Care to expand a bit more??

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(((((secret))))) I hope you are doing good. I do not have a typical father daughter relationship with my dad. He's very emotionally abusive, controlling, violent, angry, tense. He's what I like to call 'like a bull in a china shop'...he's 100% Italian and if you are familiar with Tony Soprano

Maybe he meant that he wants me to see that these male coworkers have poor boundaries and other women would not tolerate it. They probably think more of themselves than I think of myself...maybe my hysterical self is encouraging this in them and they see it and pounce?

I keep trying to tie this to the analysis he gave me a few weeks ago that he sees hysterical, obsessive and dependent qualities in me...I don't think he meant that in a bad way but I'm sure there is a link here...

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
I think he's trying to get a sense of your patterns. Or help you get a sense of your patterns. You know, because even if you are appropriate with the men at work, there is still a reason that you are drawn to men and have adverse relationships with the women. That, along with the affair and marrying two men who were coworkers, are very significant factors. When you try to decipher your patterns, try to think more about your thoughts and feelings in regards to the males at work, rather than your behaviors... do you know what I mean? Like, you say that you are appropriate with them... so that is behavior. Try to focus more on what is going on inside regarding your relationships with them... and compare it to how you think and feel about the women. Our behaviors don't always reflect what is really going on, so that's why I say all of this.

I'm really, really glad you had a productive session, and most of all..... that you got more appointments scheduled!

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Pink this resonates with me! He kind of knows my patterns but I think he is trying to get me to see the patterns. You know, we've talked about our mothers. I have an awful mother and awful father but I always have wanted his approval and love. I've been chasing that for years. My mother? Not so much...couldn't care less.

Maybe I am drawn to certain males at work especially when they are like all of them have been. Giving me lots of attention, listening to me all the time. Even the bosses where nothing happened. They all sort of took care of me...hhhhmmm...the fog might be clearing on this one!!!

Thanks everyone

[sunrise]

almedafan, I don't think it is unusual or wrong or inappropriate to have become seriously involved with men at work and ended up marrying them (twice!). Work is where we spend a lot of our time. It would be very inefficient if we could only become involved with people who don't work with us. I'm not talking about supervisor-supervisee relationships, but ones with your peers at work. I am a scientist and almost all my scientist friends married other scientists who they met at work. We just spend so much time there, especially in our looking-for-mates years, that it is natural.

I find it intriguing and worth exploring that you don't like to have female bosses. I have had both male and female bosses. Whether they were good or bad bosses did not seem to correlate with whether they were male or female. Sometimes people of a certain personality type can talk down to you. When men do it (e.g. a male boss), I am left wondering, is this person just a jerk or is he talking down to me because I'm a woman and therefore he thinks he's better than I am? (I'm sure that thought originated with my experience with my father, an engineer, who used to tell me how he couldn't stand female engineers, that they were stupid and he hated to have to talk to them about work. Way to go, Dad, what a great attitude to let your daughter see.) I don't have this doubt with women. If a woman is being a jerk, I know she is simply a jerk!

almedafan, that is such good news that the scheduling worked out!