Bad session.. please help

I am so angry and confused. My sessions are normally really good, last week T said that next week we should try and work on something that I have been scared to talk about. So I went in and everything was fine, I had done some homework so I gave it to her to read. It was all about why I don't want to get into the topic. I can't talk about anything sexual I feel like even just touching on it, is going to show everyone how dirty and wrong I am. It's hard to explain but basically I can't use simple words or talk about simple things with anyone because I always expect that doing so is going to expose me as somebody who is just plain wrong. So I kept having to use code words for everything and now both myself and T are confused and I know it. I felt like I was on trial for my life, trying to explain myself.
It just went round and round and back and forth and she said that how I see myself is not necessarily what other people will see and that we have a judgement free space in the room so there’s no need to be afraid. I think she gets a bit funny when I say that I'm afraid of what she will think - like I am insulting the work we have done together when she has never judged me yet. Then I feel incredibly self absorbed for thinking that anything I could say will make her have an opinion. So I said I'd save the rest for next week, but really I have no intention of sharing it and I’m also now afraid to express why ever again because I can’t do so without insulting the safe space she provides.
But it's not going away, I mean this is the fear of my life and I just can't do it. And all that I'm typing- you'd think I had something terrible to share but I really don't. My memory got so messed up and I can't even recall the act itself. I think I was about 5 when it started but I am seriously lacking on facts. This means I have to talk about 'feelings' instead and I just can't do that without exposing the nastiness within. Plus I now feel like it's all just lies and I should just shut up before I really embarrass myself.
Somebody please tell me what I should do.

What I suggest, dear, as someone who deeply understands what you're going through, is to take extra good care of yourself this week- indulge in your favorite and most comforting things, and let your therapist know that you feel uncomfortable and scared about this work and really need her help to deal with it slowly and gently.

It sounds like you are really frightened of insulting her also of putting yourself out there so far on a sensitive topic. I hope you can hold onto the fact a little bit that it is precisely her job not to be offended, not to take anything personally, and not to judge you.

(AnaWhitney)

I think it will get better. Starting these talks is often the very hardest part in my experience.

Thank you so much, this really means a lot to me

If there are words you dare not say, making an effort to say them in therapy will sometimes break the spell.

I don't think anyone telling you that you shouldn't feel afraid is not giving you the time to do things at your place.
I work with a T that lets me dictate what I can Talk about and when.
Finding something a judgement free area is best discovered over time by yourself and not pushed to just take that as a given.
This kind of stuff takes yyyyyyeeeeaaarrrssss to come out.

I'm thinking of you, this isn't an easy spot to be in.
Even in my short time in therapy I've often found myself wincing about talking about something, struggling to open up, fighting a sense of both wanting to let something go, get it off my chest, have it on the table and the total fear of how I will feel when I talk about it, how I will manage the emotions, what my T will think all of it is scary.

Things that have helped me - definitely take care of yourself, definitely talking about how you feel is easier than talking about the actual subject. Listing your fears and sharing these with your T. Talking about ways you could get extra support in the session. Asking for strategies to make it easier. Are there other things you'd like to talk about first that would be more reassuring? Is there something you need to hear your T say?

And definitely ,move at your own pace, and find the balance between building trust and comfort with your T and challenging yourself to take little risks. I think a lot of time can be saved if you are willing to take little risks, but if you take them too soon, or don't do it on your own terms, then that won't help.

All strength to you,

I don't know what your T is like, but I don't think your fear or insecurity is insulting to her. Some things I can talk about quite openly, even if they might be embarrassing. Sex is not one of them. I feel totally humiliated, even if I know everybody else has the same feelings, or does the same things. It doesn't matter, I can barely spit the words out. Part is just embarrassment, part is that I'm terrified of what other people think. I am scared to death of their reaction, or what they will think of me. I feel totally ashamed. It doesn't even matter that I wouldn't think much of it if someone told me they felt, thought, or did the same things. I feel terrible saying it myself. Anything sexual is very intimate and touches on the most secret parts of who you are. It's natural to be scared. By telling your T you are putting an immense amount of trust in her, in a way that you have not before. She probably understands that.

Sometimes saying just one word about the situation can be a relief. It will eventually lead to talking more about it, too. My T tells me that just talking about things can unburden our hearts, which will help pave the way towards healing. I personally am finding this to be true.

TRIGGER WARNING:

I don't know your situation, but I was scared to death to discuss the goings-on of my CSA experiences. I had felt like the dirtiest, nastiest, most unworthy piece of s*** for my entire life (I'm middle-aged!) because of what happened to me as a child. I even beat myself up countless times questioning whether or not I made the whole thing up in my mind or not (I didn't). I mean, did I spend decades thinking this man was a monster when he really wasn't? Anyway, after finally talking about things, these feelings I have towards myself are less intense. Much less intense. I believe they will one day go away altogether.

I encourage you to try to talk to your T about whatever happened to you. Even if it starts with one word. What about writing that one word down on a piece of paper for your T? To live life full of shame, feeling dirty, nasty and worthless is no way to live. I hope you can do it too. But do it at your own pace when you are ready.

Thank you everyone for your answers. My T does let me talk about what I want and at my own pace but we never seem to really get to the root of anything because I banned the topic. She accepted this for a while and then said that she doesn't think that I will benefit properly from the whole process if we don't take a look at that issue and that if I want to, we will work on it. I agreed because I know that I need to do this, but it's just so hard.
After the last session she told me to think about what I need her to do or say to make it easier and I think I have an answer, but I'm sure it's not what she meant. See I dissociate if I hear certain words or if certain questions are asked directly. Since I've banned all of this, I did not dissociate in the last session. All my stupid code words just make me uncomfortable and horribly present. I want to tell her to just go ahead and use those words and get a bit more in my face about it because I know this will make me go into the biggest dissociative state ever and that will be so peaceful and then maybe I will be able to participate properly.
Would this seem a strange thing to do? Again I'm rejecting the no judgement safe space thing..

Dissociation is really not at all unusual in working through these kinds of issues in therapy. I suspect I dissociated in almost every session for a long time. But by not avoiding and running from those issues, over time I started finding myself dissociating less frequently and being able to directly address those subjects while actually staying fully present. It's a slow and difficult process, but avoiding it altogether really will just leave you right where you are.

As far as feeling feeling judged, again, I think that is a fear for most of us working through these kinds of issues, but again, by going ahead and addressing them and discovering that, sure enough, I wasn't being judged negatively at all, healing became possible.

I tried therapy dissociated and it simply didn't work. If we're not emotionally present for the work, I don't believe we're able to make progress. Dissociation was a useful defense, but it can also be a huge hindrance and is something that needs healing. Therapy is the safe space to stand down and be present, it just takes time to get comfortable with being there.

So, I don't think you'd be really participating if you set it up so that you didn't feel safe and shut down instead, i.e. dissociated - I've found, indeed, that pushing myself to do therapeutic work while dissociating is counterproductive.

I understand the discomfort you're in but I hope you'll just try sharing how hard it is for you so that you two can work through it gently instead of trying to deliberately numb yourself- seems like that would cause the same problem you've been dealing with already of not making progress. I do understand the impulse though, I've had it too.

Sorry it's so hard. It does get easier- you're just starting on the hard stuff- but that's what makes it better down the road.

Again - thank you everyone. Posting here really helps so much more than I ever thought it would. I'd have been so lost this week without you all

I have been exactly where you are. I think it's good you want to ask your T to push you--some part of you is ready to tackle this now.

T and I did a lot of work where he pushed me a little and then I shut down, but piece by piece I got more able to stay with it and actually discuss it. This is the work, this is the process. It's hard but you can do it!