[SecretGarden]

I am a person that tends to keep friends for a long time or I do not close a friendship formally really...at least not on difficult terms. I am in the process of trying to close a friendship that has been important to me over several years. I feel that we have become too connected and have reached a time that we are now disconnected and it is not healable. (This is an IM relationship over about 4 years.) I also have come to know that therapeutically it might help me move forward to disconnect. with this person. I do not see a way to reconnect at this time and it is difficult and I think I am mourning.

Can others speak to this and also I wonder how often people feel they need to let go of others to make progress in their therapy...or in their lives? I feel like I am beginning to disconnect in many ways about in my life and this makes me uncomfortable. I do not know if this is so that I can connect more in my therapy and put the pieces back together or what is going on but I kinda feel rather lost... not grounded.

Therapy tomorow after missing a week.... (disclaimer..lol)

Hope this makes sense.

[Perna]

SecretGarden, I think it's wonderful that you are trying to "formally" close the relationship. Normally I just let things end on their own, don't write as often or whatever. I think all relationships go through ups and downs, just like our lives and sometimes a certain relationship may not be what we need for ourselves at a certain time in our life? If you are working on other things and don't have time, you don't have time! There's nothing "bad" about that, you are just in a different place in your life than you were before. I don't think the crabs and fish get annoyed or unhappy with the sea at low tide when they're left high and dry? :-) That's just the way thing play out, the "normal" ebb and flow.

[SecretGarden]

I feel rather empty right now... and do have time that is now open. I just need to figure out how to fill it with other things. I feel kind of empty right now but hope with the work at hand in therapy that things will fill up or at least as needed. I am going in different directions... like to the gym more but I feel kind of lost.

This closure is not easy believe me. Alot of back and forth... painful for both parties. I feel guilty but need to release.

Yes Perna... I am in a different place and trying to make headway for other adventures... and hope they show up or that I am able to make them happen.

Thanks for your thoughts and I will keep the ebb and flow in mind. :-)

Funny....I am listening to the Mama's and Papa's and "Make Your own Kind of Music" just came on.... I may need to make that a more regular daily thing for a bit. lol

I guess my first thought is "thats exactly what I'm wondering at this time in my life, whether letting go of certain relationships will help me move forward?" but then my second thought was "maybe its best to work through the relationship and find out what appears to be so unhealible?"

Currently I am 3 weeks into a sabitical from an online site I used for over 4yrs and on one hand I miss it, but on the other hand I am more aware of me and my thoughts and not so filled up with the same ole ebb and flow of the day to day goings on with these cyber friends.

I feel though that being away has been more beneficial in general. I guess its only with time can we tell whether the "ending" was positive or not. No one can really say for you, its got to come from your gut. Dont rush it, just take your time and see how you feel without the "friendship" .

[SecretGarden]

Thank you Mouse. I wish to give it space. The other person is not wishing for that but I would like to let the tide release me at least for a bit. The finality of a decision is ... well uncomfortable though already feeling distanced...kinda.

[MissCharlotte]

Secret said:

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I do not know if this is so that I can connect more in my therapy and put the pieces back together or what is going on but I kinda feel rather lost... not grounded.
...am going in different directions... like to the gym more but I feel kind of lost.

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Secret,

Pema Chodron calls this meeting the fear, standing on the precipice and facing the groundlessness. She says it is the only way to know our true selves. Yes we will feel lost when we are stripped of all our defenses wich it sounds like you are doing. It really sounds like you are doing the hard work of facing your fears and taking the plunge into the icy, cold, unnown waters.

So, it appears that there is no room right now for this other friendship, because you have work to do. My only question is, does it have to end forever? Hmmmm I suppose that depends on the nature of the friendship. If this friend is too demanding/needy of your time then I suppose it must end forever. I have a friend who I don't talk to for months on end (and sometimes it has been nearly a year.) But neither of us places demands on the other and so the friendship can be picked up again as needed or desired.

The groundlessness is the hardest part, I think. Although I am not ther right now, I do belive it is groundlessness that I face when I notice my dissociation as it is happening, and the trauma of its genesis. Staying in that moment is groundless and fearful.

I think your hard work will pay off...stay the course, if that feels right to you.

[sunrise]

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SecretGarden said:
This is an IM relationship over about 4 years.

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What is an IM relationship? Do you mean Instant Messaging, as in an Internet friendship?

I tend to just let friendships die their natural course, which will happen if you don't put some effort and energy into them.

If you're talking about an online friendship, I sure can relate. I used to go several times a day to one very busy message board and was a mod there, for a couple of years. It took hours each day to keep up with the chatter. When I finally gave it up, it was so liberating! I kept some of my best online friends from the site and chat with them a couple of times a month or keep up with an occasional e-mail. That level of interaction seems to suit us right now.

Could it be you would want to resume this friendship in the future, SG, when you are in a different space? If so, maybe you don't need firm closure right now, but just a tailing off of interaction for the time being. That way it may not be so painful for both you and the other person.

[lauren_helene]

Secret, I have a T appt and when I get back tonight I'll add more but for now I am happy that you are taking the step of closing the relationship off.

You are taking an action and although it will not come without some pain, in the long run it sounds like you'll be happier...more later

[SecretGarden]

Thanks Sister... Yes I think that I am facing my fears and currently all kind of things are opening up in my head..really. I appreciate your thoughts and your new wisdom.

Sunrise and Sister, I think that I would welcome a different relationship with this person that would be less time and less intense. I think that she may not accept that so I might need to just let it go. We shall see.

Sunrise, Yes this is an internet friendship and we were both moderators on a board in the past and have maintained a friendship via primarily instant messaging. There are others from that experience that still are in touch but less frequently and that does work well. I hope in time to be able to do that.

There are some things that are not so healthy about this deal so a little distance I think would be good... though I do feel at a loss. I think in time, as I fill up my space (and experience what I need to) I will feel more liberated. I have had to encourage the separation and that has been the painful thing but have hopes to not lose it all together.. and as you said Sunrise... after I get some more work under my belt...

She called my pdoc.. a male dog... did not sit well with me and certainly does not much to help facilitate the work that I wish to do. I need to focus and this is the person I need to trust right now... and do work with ... my pdoc. That is not all there is to it but ... that is rather significant.

We are back moderating that board (though much less busy now) but I am less enthusiastic and think that I will let that go shortly. Another separation... on the horizon.

Thanks you too.

Alameda... welcome home. Hope you said hello to Goofy for me... will stay tuned for you.

Thanks all. You are ALL very helpful to me and I appreciate it.

[lauren_helene]

Secret, now that I've had time to read this thread in depth here is what I think.

I also was part of a message board for a few years and oh yes it is so hard to keep up. In fact, keeping up was impacting my job, home life and was causing me major stress. I would complain all the time to my husband about the "trolls" or the nasty comments to me and others, political arguments and mommy wars. The mommy wars were the worst.

One example would be 'oh my you circumsized your son!' how barbaric or 'you are not going to breastfeed until junior is 6 years old, wow some mother you are'...I'm dramatizing this a bit but you get the point.

I'm done with that site and find this site more fitting for me and much more positive and genuine.

To me, it is healthy being here learning about ourselves and trying to heal. If you think about it, other message boards can actually trigger us way too much during our healing process.

A kind of 'transference' through the internet too perhaps. Either positive or negative...it sounds like you are experiencing some of the negative right now.

I still think it will be good to take a break for awhile. Since the finality of it is causing abrupt mourning, why not just say 'hey, I'm taking a break for awhile for me'...

And you could replace the time spent on instant messenger with something relaxing like reading one of the famous psych books we talk about here or doing some guided imagery.

I did a slow and gradual release from the message board and now I do not miss it at all.

Hugs~

[SecretGarden]

More later...thanks almeda..

Pdoc says... feel the pain.... and so I shall. Then refocus.

He also forgot that he said we would go weekly so 2 weeks again... and then he says we will go weekly. I am disappointed and told him I am very vulnerable right now.

Sad.

(((SG)))

[SecretGarden]

Thanks Mouse... :-)

[DePressMe]

I admire you for wanting to put some closure to the relationship. I know how difficult that can be…I am currently trying to end a 6 year relationship—a real life relationship. I have been working on it in therapy and so far, have written a letter to this person. I don’t know when I will feel strong enough to give them the letter. So, I feel for you—it is a difficult place to be in.

[sunrise]

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SecretGarden said:
He also forgot that he said we would go weekly so 2 weeks again... and then he says we will go weekly. I am disappointed and told him I am very vulnerable right now.

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When he said 2 weeks, did you remind him you had agreed you would do weekly? And did he then take that agreement back and say no, let's do 2 weeks? I hope you are speaking up when he forgets things!

I'm sorry about the need to feel the pain....

[SecretGarden]

DePressMe... You have my support. That must be difficult and I know I am not good at this so ... keep working on it.

My person finally did what I could not do but that what I have been working toward. She finalized the relationship with one last (of many) letters this morning.

Mixed emotions... but overall I think a wise thing.. really for both of us.

Now what..? It will be a long weekend but I am working on positive....

[SecretGarden]

This was unusual but he did forget I believe and his schedule is not open...I think because he just had a week away. I was disappointed as I am working hard and had depended on that weekly support and work coming up. At the end of the meeting he said ...see you in two weeks.. like we were going back to that. I said ..did I say something wrong? He said no..but I told you that it would take me time to decide. I said... you told me last visit that you would now see me every week unless I regressed...for several weeks. He did not remember but said I can not see you next week but after that we will make it every week.

Next time I am making it first on the agenda. Hearing it at the end was rather difficult but I did say what I needed to say so I am pleased with that.

The pain and emptiness is rough. Trying to fill a bit of it.