Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I need an escape.....any ideas?

You mean a holiday?

Dear G, I wish I hadn't let myself get so attached to you. I wish I hadn't allowed this transference to develop. I could have stopped it if I had shut down my emotions. I wish I had nipped it in the bud before it got so out of hand. Because now I have to say goodbye, and it feels like someone is ripping my heart out. Do I dare to tell you that when I see you on Thursday? There's nothing you can do, and I am afraid if I tell you how much this hurts so close to the ending of therapy you will feel responsible. I am afraid you will feel like I am trying to manipulate you into giving me free therapy because I am in danger of harming myself badly when I stop seeing you.

t,

i want to disappear.

-you know who

ok so i did it t. i went back into those feelings and i used the pain there to write a poem. i'm still all up in those feelings though. i guess i should poem some more. listening to lots of melissa tunes today. i love you and i don't want to love you and maybe i should poem about that too huh. i think i'm starting to get the hang of letting myself feel my feelings, and knowing what to do with them (i.e., poem) when they are really big. i'm doing so well now most of the time and.... getting those feelings of maybe it's time to talk endings again but then my heart gets all mushy and achy and well no, it's not time....

Furthest thing from my mind but it is a good suggestion. I meant an immediate escape. Nothing fancy. Turned on the tube but nothing good was on. TV is sometimes a good escape.

T,
You know how much I adore you, more than I should, but I really wished that I had apologized for telling you to go **** yourself. I know that you said that it was the best thing I've said to you in a long time. I just feel bad for letting my Borderline love/hate loose on you.

I'd love to tell mine to go **** himself too!

My T actually said she'd find it "funny" (not sure if she meant odd or amusing) if she pissed off a client enough for them to snap "f**k off!".

My T did chuckle a bit. It went a little like this...

T "...See here's the problem. You don't want to give this up."
Me "No. I don't want you to see who I really am."
T "I'm not judging you."
Me "Cause I wanna tell you ...**** you! That's what I want to tell you. You know, go **** yourself. **** you T."
T "For what?"
Me "I don't know. I'm just telling you that's what I feel like telling you. Go **** yourself."
T (laughing) "There. You just did. What's this about? Great! Maybe the best thing you ever told me."

Has that never happened to her? She needs some feistier clients, eg me or Stopdog.

Haha, apparently she's never had a client tell her to f**k off.

She has been yelled at though, so she's commented a couple of times. She said she thought she'd "seen it all" after some showdowns with yelling.

It made me realise she's awfully "young" as a person (under 30...and I'm in my 20s) and a therapist (first job after doctorate, so yeah, she had a few practicums but this is her first real job) - sometimes I wonder what is she doing working with traumatised people.

By the way, the correct reply to "Feck you!" is "Many have."

dear t. I wrote another poem last night, this one is to you. i don't know if i'll show it to you or not. it brought about another of my famous insights that i am not enjoying having. mostly about why i continue to come there. I am fighting so hard to not just go immediately to "I am so pathetic" because what I am is human - imperfect - with a lot of feelings - and that doesn't equate pathetic. Or does it?

I don't want our little bubble to ever go away. There, I said it, yes, the truth is out, I am pathetic, despite all the progress I have made in the past 4 years and there has been a lot of progress.... but deep down, I remain pathetic in this love for you. And I know it's not even you, it's what I keep making you represent, and I need to cut it the hell out!!! Why don't you just tell me to cut it the hell out?!?!?!?! I almost wish you would! I should be enough for myself! Why am I not enough for myself?! Bah.

(((Art)))
I think I know the feeling - it's why I can't let go either (even though mine is long gone).
Go with it and figure it out

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T,

I hate being alone with my feelings but that's all I've got - loneliness and a bunch of feelings that I don't know how to process. I never learned how to take your compassion and turn it into my own self-compassion so that I could parent myself....I just do not know how to do it. It sucks that I had to go back to you week after week for the compassion that was void in my life the rest of the time. And then you left and there ya go. Now I never get it. I'm desperate to learn how to have self-compassion but it's not working for me. I really wish you could've taught me to fish, T

You said that moment can't be returned and it's gone so we just need to let that be okay.

It's not.
I ruined it.
I could've had it and I didn't.
I gave it away.
Please let me have it back.

Dear T,
Thanks for calling and talking to me for your whole 30-minute ride home, even though I met with you for a session earlier today. I just needed to talk about my daughter's doctor's appointment, and I didn't want to wait till after Thanksgiving. You know, you were the first person I thought to call, even before MC. Yeah, maybe part of that is because we see him tomorrow, but I think it's mostly because I feel like you just get me more these past 6 months than you did before and I trusted that you'd say what I needed to hear. And I was right. Hugs! (Would have asked to give you one today if I didn't have a cold.)

Dear MC,

Please, whatever you do, don't try to break out that slide show on successful people living on the autism spectrum like you have about 5 times before. Yes, I know Darryl Hannah and Dan Akroyd have it and have still managed to find success. I just want you to listen and understand and make me feel comforted the way you're good at doing. Wish I could have a hug, but I'm too scared you'd say no, so I'll settle for one across the room with your voice and your eyes....

Screw this. I can't do it anymore. Do yourself a favor and stay away from me.

It's a horrible thing when T's don't teach you how to practice self-compassion. I'm bad at it too.

You know what I think you don't get, T, is that I don't actually think you ever intended to be malicious. I actually believe your heart was in the right place, I saw it in your eyes that you were sad for me and I felt real care in those hugs. So yes, I do think you "wronged" me but I think it was mistakes, not maliciousness. You really never should have hugged me in the first place, you blurred a boundary by giving me special treatment, but it's too bad I can't say that without you taking it like I'm saying you're a terrible person. Too bad you can't admit that you make mistakes like anyone else, and me pointing out those mistakes isn't a crime. Frankly I think you have a very thin skin and are either extremely insecure or extremely arrogant to be reacting so defensively and making me out to be the borderline overreacting hypocrite when you are the therapist and maybe should have done things differently in the first place.

Dear MC,
Please don't have any reason to cancel tomorrow. I need you.

T,

You're not a pathetic loser like me. You have close family and many good friends. You have acquaintances, casual friends, buddies and confidantes. You have / had your own therapist(s). You even get along well with your fellow psychologist coworkers.

I just have my significant other whom I burden, and you...

Ex T, your colleague probably has forgotten me already. I'm in this box for you, which you only take out when it's my allotted time.

I'm no one special. I have no friends. I burden my significant other. I'm a piece of ****.

Dear G, I wish you could hold me in your arms until all the pain melts away. But nothing can take all that pain away. No amount of love and affection can make it go away. No amount of therapy, no matter how good, is going to take the ache out of my heart. The best anyone can do is help bear the burden for a little while, but it's not enough. And having to say goodbye to you is just making that pain even bigger, because it just reinforces how alone I am in life. I feel like I am walking away from you into a dark, magnetic void, and you are watching me, and you are helpless to keep me from being sucked in.