Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Thank you so much for the long hug today and the way you rubbed my arm after. You knew I needed the comfort. I wish you were going to be available this week. I don't know how I am going to get through it without you.

I won't call you on Christmas week to tell you I feel FANTASTIC.

It's weird. And not normal. Like everything's a dream. But a good dream, not a nightmare.

You would have told me if you thought I was manic or delusional, right?

So **** my family if they say I'm "Too Happy," the repressive philistines.

This is normal.

Happy Hanukkah!!!

Ex-t: I miss you. I miss having someone who seemed to know what I was thinking before I said anything. I miss being able to be completely open and honest with someone. I miss the comfort of your office. I miss your voice, the sparkle in your eyes, and your laugh.

You are stunning. I know you must know how beautiful you are, but good god, some times I get a good look at you and see how ****ing stunningly gorgeous you are.

It's just how you do it.

You're skin is so perfect. It's hard to believe you have ever had any stress in you life.

I like how you had the journal I gave you on your desk. I hope you look at it often and it makes you feel good.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Dear T

Red xx

Dear MC,
I want to e-mail you about some of what we discussed yesterday. But another time recently when I sent you an e-mail, you responded but then asked at the next session why I felt the need to e-mail you then, rather than waiting until next session. And then we spent much of the session discussing that. So I don't want a repeat of that particularly. (And I'd just e-mail T, but she's busy prepping for her family's Christmas visit.) But I feel like I need to just get this out, maybe to force us to discuss it more Monday? Because I laid awake much of last night thinking about it. And wishing I could talk to you before Monday.

So I'll likely end up e-mailing you anyway, but I'll just say it here first. Because maybe I just need to get it out somewhere.

Yes, I have an alcohol problem--I was on the verge of admitting that yesterday, but am not sure I actually did. I appreciate you just making observations and not seeming judgmental about it--just concerned and caring. Yes, I should take steps soon to do something to at least reduce my drinking. And I want your help and support (along with T's of course) to work on this problem. And how it might affect my marriage. So there, I admitted it...

You will never be her T. Never, never, NEVER!!! You were my T. She had no right to put her NOSE in MY therapy, NO Right to be told my PERSONAL BUSINESS, NO RIGHT TO STEAL MY T!!!.

You will always be MY T. Every time you see her will remind you of ME. EVERY TIME!! Your relationship with her was built upon LIES, DECEIT and BETRAYAL OF ME. If you haven't figured that out by now. Let me help you.

T, can I please spend the holidays in your office sleeping on your couch? You don't even have to be there. The room feels so safe that I want to sleep there. It would be nice if you were there with me though. We could have a sleepover and spend the night talking. That would be so much better than a one hour session.

"I don't own many novelty ties…."

Huh? Either you aren't very aware of your own wardrobe or you are lying about something I see for myself every week. I wanted to point it out, naming ties from hieroglyphs to chili peppers to hearts, need I go on? Why lie to me? What a strange thing to lie about.

Just of many things that were "off" today. Did I do something?

Hmm...i'm not sure that is a lie, but more like not really aware, sort of like my dad who insists he can sing in tune, and he is god-awful

Dear G, this whole business of ending therapy is so hard. Part of me really wants to just cut and run. The other part of me wants every last chance to be with you. But that other part of me wants to act as if you don't mean anything to me, because if I can convince myself of that maybe saying ending therapy won't feel so painful.

Like, why is it, that the readier I am to talk about something, the farther away my next appointment is?!

Isn't how that always goes

t,
i hope i dont get u sick. i would feel bad if i did. u pretended to spray me with hand sanitizer. i dont blame ya

me

Dear T,

I miss you. I need you so badly right now.

Dear T

I won't see you for 16 days. At the moment I'm always dreading our sessions, but if I don't see you for more than a week I get...anxious? sad? I hate it that I can't see you on Wednesday. I'm always on Wednesday. Why are you now so full on that day? Those stupid other clients of you are stealing MY time. I want to have my sessions on Wednesday! I hope I can have the session after the next one on a Wednesday again.

And T,

I had a Christmas card for you, but I forgot to give it to you Maybe next year, if I'm still in therapy with you.
Happy holidays and I wish you the best for 2016 (wish I could hug you)

I noticed you used some examples from your own life today (without being over-specific). I didn't mind it, and it was kinda helpful, but it is a small boundary change so I would like us to have a discussion about the therapeutic purpose and limits to it.
Anyhoo, that's all for after the Christmas period. Hope you have a good one.

Dear T,
I wish I could cry in your arms right now.

And MC, of course I wish I could cry in your arms, too. Or just talk to you.

Dear T: I hope you have a wonderful holiday. And when we meet on the 30th, I'm gonna wanna talk about that which I have been avoiding, and I want to play in the sand while we talk okay?

I AM THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ON THIS EARTH AND YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO SPRING A HANDSHAKE/AWKWARD ONE-HAND HOLD ON ME AT THE END OF THE SESSION. Whyyyy would you do that?

This is like top-10 embarrassing for me. I'm going to obsess over this for MONTHS, man. Months. Gah. But I'm sure my face told you all of that. Because of course I made a face. Why did I make a face?????

A hug would have been far less painful.......................................................................I at least handled THAT well several months ago.

Eww. I would freak out if that happened. Sorry you had to go through it!

On a similar note:

Dear T,

Thank you so much for maintaining a solid four feet of personal space.

You amaze me more and more. Thank you for being there and talking to me. I love you so much and it was more than healing to hear you say "I love you too". You are so patient and so genuine. The world needs more people and T's like you.

Sorry t, but while I really like you, I quite don't like the pdoc you sent me to. She's inconsistent big time, a little bit arrogant assuming she knows everything while she doesn't know me at all, wanting to send me 1 month away for being depressed, like really starting to write without my consent (and telling YOU there might be the opportunity for to go inpatient for a few days if I felt the need to). She did not tell you she tried and she did not tell you "1 month". Plus she reminds me of my mother of when I was little: i could never reach her, she would never really listen to me. This one told me she would reply a short email about a weird side effect and she never did. While I like psychology and trust you, I don't like nor trust psychiatry. I end up taking tons of meds that keep me calm (too calm) and if I stop it's hell. Nothing changed in my depression. I still want to die at times and find no sense to things. today I didn't take them and am very awake, but wait another day and I'll start to cry and shake. She could only diagnose me with severe depression but if we were in the 40s, I'm absolutely sure she would have me lobotomized.
I want you to come with me when I meet her again. I don't know how to ask you.