[rainbow8]

I put the trigger on just in case. I don't want to be graphic on here, so I will just say I'm having problems feeling anything. By myself, I mean. T and I have talked about this subject before. But this time she said she couldn't help me, and said I should get a book! I wanted to blurt out, "well, how do YOU do it?" but I restrained myself. Then, in my email, I wrote that I had to stop myself from asking her that. In the past, she told me about a store to buy something, so it's not like she doesn't know how to offer me information. I'm not against books for information either.

I'm frustrated that she didn't want to explore emotional reasons, just suggested I read a book! Maybe that's why I wanted to cross a boundary! I know her sex life is none of my business of course! I don't even care; I was just looking for help! I am kind of annoyed with her for her response.

A side point is my noticing how I've changed! I won't post graphic details here, but I did with T, and I wasn't even embarrassed! That's amazing!

Not sure if I'm looking for help in this thread. Maybe I should post in the forum specifically for this subject.

Has anyone else talked with their T about sexual problems?

Do you mean you don't feel anything physically? Are you taking any meds? Some meds can make you feel pretty numb sexually.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by twistedangel00

Do you mean you don't feel anything physically? Are you taking any meds? Some meds can make you feel pretty numb sexually.

Thank you, twisted. No, I'm not taking any meds. Yes, that's what I meant.

[atisketatasket]

I don't know how old you are, but you might also consider seeing your gynecologist, unless you're absolutely convinced it's psychological.

[Argonautomobile]

Maybe it's not that she didn't want to explore emotional reasons, just that she didn't want to risk crossing a boundary around a potentially sensitive subject. I mean, if a T fails to initiate a deeper discussion on a topic like this, you're potentially irritated, sure--but if a T does initiate more discussion, accidentally gets too graphic, or asks a question you find very intrusive, you could potentially be VERY upset. I know my T treads carefully about sensitive topics, though part of that might be the gender difference. I don't think a book or a trip to the store is a terrible idea. Good luck!

[divine1966]

Not sure if t can help with this as it could be physical problem? Did it just start?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Argonautomobile]

Just a side-note---I'm not qualified to give medical advice (obviously) but if it were me I would try reading up on solo pleasure and consider trying a toy or visual aide before I went to the doctor. Unless this is something that just started, usually the problem is just inexperience/anxiety.

[unaluna]

Im not sure that even a sex therapist or a sex surrogate would discuss how they themselves do it. I think this falls under boundaries. My t told me what he made for a dinner party one time and i found a way to criticize it - some evilness in me just had to make a joke that if he had invited me, i wouldnt be able to crap for a week with all the cream cheese on the menu. That was my mother talking, but still. Your t doesnt need your parent in their head - they have their own to deal with. That might not be THE reason but dam girl, get you some reading material!

[Myrto]

I agree with Argonautomobile that she probably didn't want to risk crossing a boundary or risk sounding intrusive on that topic.

I was supposed to talk about sex this week with my therapist (had written about my intentions in an email) and I didn't. At the end of the session my therapist asked me why and I told her she should have asked questions to prompt me. To which she replied she didn't want to sound intrusive.

Sometimes therapists think they have to be super careful, especially about such a sensitive topic.

[stopdog]

I think sexual pleasure/numbness can wax and wane with stress and life. Right now, you have had a lot of stress and grief and stuff around your husband's passing. I would give it some time before thinking it was a problem. I think the therapist you see may be steering clear because of the erotic-ness of your fantasy about her from time to time and she is not comfortable with it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Just a side-note---I'm not qualified to give medical advice (obviously) but if it were me I would try reading up on solo pleasur:e and consider trying a toy or visual aide before I went to the doctor. Unless this is something that just started, usually the problem is just inexperience/anxiety.

I'm sorry I'm answering out of order. Will answer all! Wanted to be clear that I have those toys already and still have problems. Stopdog, maybe you're right. It's probably emotional. I guess people are okay discussing this here. Me?

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think sexual pleasure/numbness can wax and wane with stress and life. Right now, you have had a lot of stress and grief and stuff around your husband's passing. I would give it some time before thinking it was a problem. I think the therapist you see may be steering clear because of the erotic-ness of your fantasy about her from time to time and she is not comfortable with it.

I could not agree with this more. Emotions play a huge part in sensation and as emotions change so does sexual desire or enjoyment. Try not to stress.

As for the T, there are many reasons she may not have wished to discuss things at this point. You are still entitled to privacy and she may have tried to respect that or as stopdog says she may be uncomfortable having that discussion with you. Not everything has to be discussed and not right now. You don't need to push her buttons (by asking how she pleasures herself) just because she did not know how to advise you at that time.

[NowhereUSA]

I'm with SD. When stress gets high it can really put dampener on things. Is it distressing you that you can't and you want to be able to right now? Or is it just the "why" concerning you? (I can't add more on the T thing since other people have said good things).

And I have no problem talking about this stuff. I've brought up sex stuff with my male T. Nothing too detailed. Well. That's not true. I totally discussed cervical mucus once.

I've never discussed sex with T - besides saying that I think sex is for dirty old men and for people who want kids - but (as I'm not a dirty old man and don't want kids ) then there isn't anything to discuss. So I can't be of help, sorry.

[RedSun]

Rainbow, I have experienced my T backing off when I've talked about sex, I felt like 'wtf? You're the T here!' I think there was other stuff...she was wary of my transference maybe?

I've had times of just not getting there, and I know myself pretty well
It was around the time I started talking about past issues in therapy. It passes in a few weeks, though I can't identify what made the change!

Could be emotional; could be age-related; could be a combination. Have you been to your gynecologist lately?

I do discuss sexual issues with my T, actually fairly comfortably even though he is male. But he does some specialty work with male sexual problems, so he is very skilled about such topics and very comfortable with it himself.

[Chummy]

I never talk about sex with any of my T's. It wasn't necessary for me.
I do have a sexual problem. But I know it's a side effect from the med I'm taking. I haven't told my pdoc about that. It would be too embarrassing for me. Though he has probably seen people who have talked about sex to him and since he went to medical school he's probably seen a lot.

Shouldn't a T be able to talk about sex? She doesn't have to share her experiences, but a client should be able to talk about everything the client wants to talk about.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I don't know how old you are, but you might also consider seeing your gynecologist, unless you're absolutely convinced it's psychological.

Thanks. I'm due to see my gynecologist soon so might grit my teeth and ask her a few questions.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Maybe it's not that she didn't want to explore emotional reasons, just that she didn't want to risk crossing a boundary around a potentially sensitive subject. I mean, if a T fails to initiate a deeper discussion on a topic like this, you're potentially irritated, sure--but if a T does initiate more discussion, accidentally gets too graphic, or asks a question you find very intrusive, you could potentially be VERY upset. I know my T treads carefully about sensitive topics, though part of that might be the gender difference. I don't think a book or a trip to the store is a terrible idea. Good luck!

Thank you.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Not sure if t can help with this as it could be physical problem? Did it just start?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

No. It's ongoing. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Just a side-note---I'm not qualified to give medical advice (obviously) but if it were me I would try reading up on solo pleasure and consider trying a toy or visual aide before I went to the doctor. Unless this is something that just started, usually the problem is just inexperience/anxiety.

Anxiety, and impatience probably.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Im not sure that even a sex therapist or a sex surrogate would discuss how they themselves do it. I think this falls under boundaries. My t told me what he made for a dinner party one time and i found a way to criticize it - some evilness in me just had to make a joke that if he had invited me, i wouldnt be able to crap for a week with all the cream cheese on the menu. That was my mother talking, but still. Your t doesnt need your parent in their head - they have their own to deal with. That might not be THE reason but dam girl, get you some reading material!

You're so funny, unaluna. I know I can't ask T but now she knows I wanted to! I wanted her to know I wouldn't cross that boundary. I've read a lot over the years. It's true I'm stressed now.

Originally Posted by Myrto

I agree with Argonautomobile that she probably didn't want to risk crossing a boundary or risk sounding intrusive on that topic.

I was supposed to talk about sex this week with my therapist (had written about my intentions in an email) and I didn't. At the end of the session my therapist asked me why and I told her she should have asked questions to prompt me. To which she replied she didn't want to sound intrusive.

Sometimes therapists think they have to be super careful, especially about such a sensitive topic.

Good luck with your talk when you have it! I told T everything there was to tell her, probably TMI, but you could be right. Thank you.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think sexual pleasure/numbness can wax and wane with stress and life. Right now, you have had a lot of stress and grief and stuff around your husband's passing. I would give it some time before thinking it was a problem. I think the therapist you see may be steering clear because of the erotic-ness of your fantasy about her from time to time and she is not comfortable with it.

Good points, stopdog. Thanks.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I could not agree with this more. Emotions play a huge part in sensation and as emotions change so does sexual desire or enjoyment. Try not to stress.

As for the T, there are many reasons she may not have wished to discuss things at this point. You are still entitled to privacy and she may have tried to respect that or as stopdog says she may be uncomfortable having that discussion with you. Not everything has to be discussed and not right now. You don't need to push her buttons (by asking how she pleasures herself) just because she did not know how to advise you at that time.

Thanks. That's good advice.

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

I'm with SD. When stress gets high it can really put dampener on things. Is it distressing you that you can't and you want to be able to right now? Or is it just the "why" concerning you? (I can't add more on the T thing since other people have said good things).

And I have no problem talking about this stuff. I've brought up sex stuff with my male T. Nothing too detailed. Well. That's not true. I totally discussed cervical mucus once.

Thanks. Both. Want to be able to and worried something is wrong with me.
U

Originally Posted by Breadfish

I've never discussed sex with T - besides saying that I think sex is for dirty old men and for people who want kids - but (as I'm not a dirty old man and don't want kids ) then there isn't anything to discuss. So I can't be of help, sorry.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by Red75

Rainbow, I have experienced my T backing off when I've talked about sex, I felt like 'wtf? You're the T here!' I think there was other stuff...she was wary of my transference maybe?

I've had times of just not getting there, and I know myself pretty well
It was around the time I started talking about past issues in therapy. It passes in a few weeks, though I can't identify what made the change!

Thanks.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Could be emotional; could be age-related; could be a combination. Have you been to your gynecologist lately?

I do discuss sexual issues with my T, actually fairly comfortably even though he is male. But he does some specialty work with male sexual problems, so he is very skilled about such topics and very comfortable with it himself.

T is comfortable discussing it usually. If I can control my embarrassment I'll ask my gynecologist. She's easy to talk to.

Originally Posted by Chummy

I never talk about sex with any of my T's. It wasn't necessary for me.
I do have a sexual problem. But I know it's a side effect from the med I'm taking. I haven't told my pdoc about that. It would be too embarrassing for me. Though he has probably seen people who have talked about sex to him and since he went to medical school he's probably seen a lot.

Shouldn't a T be able to talk about sex? She doesn't have to share her experiences, but a client should be able to talk about everything the client wants to talk about.

Yes, a T should be able to talk about everything, and my T does. I think she honestly didn't know how to help me, and told me so. She brought up sex early in my therapy when I so much didn't want to discuss it! She also told me about the store not so far from where I live!

[Luce]

Just a thought - but is it really a *problem*? If you don't feel sexually aroused when masturbating then can you just not do it?
When I am not hungry I do not eat. When I am not tired I do not sleep. When I don't feel aroused I don't have sex, or masturbate.
Does a lack of sexual arousal *need* to be a problem? I can see where it could definitely be a problem when, in the context of a relationship, one partner wants it more than the other. If that isn't an issue though, I am curious as to why you feel you 'should' masturbate. You say you want to, but if you are not experiencing physical urges to do so (sexual arousal) then where is the 'want' coming from?

[lunatic soul]

Are you taking birthcontrol pills? I find it really decreases my libido.

I have psychological issues with sex but its hard to talk about it, I have tried but it was more like saying - I have issues. And thats all. Im afraid to talk more about it but I talked to my gynecologist who told me to take painkillers but T thinks its crazy, its all we discused. I dont know how talking about it could help me except if t suggested me something but he said I dont need sexual partner if it hurts physically and I can do it by myself.

Maybe your T doesnt know how to help you and thinks that this book is good for you. Maybe its worth to read it and then discuss it with your T.

[Luce]

Thinking more about this... I wonder if it is more about your T than about your actual sexual experiences. I wonder if you feel she is withholding on you, or that she has something you don't have, and you want her to give it to you. (From your comments about thinking she *could* give you information but simply won't.) Of course she could give you information. Equally, you could go looking for it yourself. Wanting to know how *she* masturbates makes me wonder if you need that as fuel for your own fantasies.

[Lauliza]

I have had issues with sex for a long time and I was always convinced they were 100% emotional, since like others have said, stress, depression and anxiety can do a number on sex drive. That said, like you I finally brought up the issue with my gyno since I thought my discomfort was due to me when in fact it is actually a physical issue. Quite frankly, it may be a physical issue that morphed into an emotional one and not the other way around. Anyway, if your difficulty persists I would not assume it's psychological and bring it up with your doctor rather than your T. There is only so much therapy can accomplish in a situation like this.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Luce

Wanting to know how *she* masturbates makes me wonder if you need that as fuel for your own fantasies.

I just wanted to clarify that I don't mean to imply that wanting or needing that is wrong or anything - I don't believe it is. When I reread it it sounded judgmental but I don't mean it to be!
I just meant it as a rhetorical question, wondering if there is a different motive behind this than the apparent one. No judgment or anything else intended!

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Luce

Just a thought - but is it really a *problem*? If you don't feel sexually aroused when masturbating then can you just not do it?
When I am not hungry I do not eat. When I am not tired I do not sleep. When I don't feel aroused I don't have sex, or masturbate.
Does a lack of sexual arousal *need* to be a problem? I can see where it could definitely be a problem when, in the context of a relationship, one partner wants it more than the other. If that isn't an issue though, I am curious as to why you feel you 'should' masturbate. You say you want to, but if you are not experiencing physical urges to do so (sexual arousal) then where is the 'want' coming from?

I sort of understood the problem as inability to orgasm, not a lack of desire. Totally different problems. Which is it rainbow? (If you feel like saying, that is!)