[Willowleaf]

Hi, I don't normally post and I'm not sure what I want from you all, but my t said something tonight that really affected me. I had reacted badly to something and was trying to explain. She was great and completely accepting, but then at some point something was said and she said when are you going to wake up and believe me that the level of abuse you experienced was extreme. That it actually can't get much worse, but that still I deny it. She has been trying to get me to realise this for some time but tonight was the first time she put it that strongly. She then backed it up with examples from my life that I don't want to share, but instead of feeling validated I just feel a fraud. I just think part of me wanted her to think this so maybe I will seem a bit special? I don't know I'm feeling very confused. I haven't made anything up I just find it hard to accept that it was this damaging and that actually it really wasn't that bad and I dealt with it fine. Can anyone identify? I feel all over the place and think she must be lying, but then why does she say it. She is a very experienced therapist who I have worked with for years and in whom I have complete trust. I just feel a complete fraud and a mess.

[pbutton]

Yes, I often struggle with feeling like I must somehow be exaggerating to get his attention. I am somehow making it sound worse than it really is. I have conned him. At some level I know it is not true, but it FEELS true to me. I teally feel for you; it's an awful feeling.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Hi, I don't normally post and I'm not sure what I want from you all, but my t said something tonight that really affected me. I had reacted badly to something and was trying to explain. She was great and completely accepting, but then at some point something was said and she said when are you going to wake up and believe me that the level of abuse you experienced was extreme. That it actually can't get much worse, but that still I deny it. She has been trying to get me to realise this for some time but tonight was the first time she put it that strongly. She then backed it up with examples from my life that I don't want to share, but instead of feeling validated I just feel a fraud. I just think part of me wanted her to think this so maybe I will seem a bit special? I don't know I'm feeling very confused. I haven't made anything up I just find it hard to accept that it was this damaging and that actually it really wasn't that bad and I dealt with it fine. Can anyone identify? I feel all over the place and think she must be lying, but then why does she say it. She is a very experienced therapist who I have worked with for years and in whom I have complete trust. I just feel a complete fraud and a mess.

My T and I just had a very similar discussion today so I get it. In my case saying that I was a liar who.made things up was one technique my mom used to keep.me from telling anyone. The result is that even though I am telling what I know to be the truth I still feel like I am making things up.

I don't have any advice for you but I understand

[stopdog]

They have said it to me and I think I must have overstated the situation. I probably described it in more histrionic language than was accurate.

[Argonautomobile]

Yes, I identify. I think it's pretty normal (if anything about abuse dynamics and their effects can be considered "normal") to have ambivalence and confusion surrounding abuse. Of course we tell ourselves that it wasn't that bad, that it didn't affect us--to say otherwise somehow puts power back in the hands of the abuser. It says that, yes, their actions had consequences; what they did had the power to affect us.

I remember the first time my T said this directly to me--"Those things that happened had an effect on the way you see yourself."

I was shocked, somehow. I didn't know what to do with that information. Somehow it wasn't real until T said that. It's not that I disagreed in the abstract--if we were talking about some hypothetical third party, I'd say, "Well, Duh abuse ***** people up."

But this was me, not somebody else. And I'd been telling myself for years and years that it wasn't that bad.

Hearing T say that...I, too, had the feeling of being a fraud. That, since I didn't feel it affected me but T did, I must somehow have exaggerated my experience in order to get attention.

I didn't, though. And neither did you.

I hope you can work through this with your T.

[Out There]

I hope I can understand your feelings a little , and I'm glad you have a very experienced T that you trust. Things happen to us and we say things like , 'Oh , it wasn't that bad , I'm over it ' but we are in a lot of pain that we can feel like a fraud for feeling or don't want to allow ourselves to feel. I hope you can do some good work with your T on this.

[Willowleaf]

Thanks folks I really appreciate hearing from you. I think I feel that what I experienced wasn't abuse as it wasn't sexual and it was only physical due to medical procedures. No they didn't meet my needs but it wasn't on purpose. I work with severly abused children daily and don't feel I come close to what they have experienced and find it very difficult when she says that mine was just as bad and probably worse. Like stopdog said I must have over stated myself, but actually I didn't! Aargh. It is so confusing and trying to hold this and knowing I need to hold it for another week whilst going to work dealing with stuff at work is very difficult. Also what do I say to her. She knows I don't believe her. What a minefield.

[atisketatasket]

I don't know about feeling like a fraud, but No. 1 would occasionally say very direct statements intended to shake me up a bit. Both times they started with "when are you going to wake up and see...?"

A little aggressive, and the disparity between her tone and your chin-up approach possibly accounts for the feeling like a fraud. I think she's trying to help you move on in realizing what a bad situation it was.

[brillskep]

I relate to feeling like a fraud when it comes to suffering and abuse. No one has told me I have been subjected to extreme abuse I (and it's not my case), but there have been some issues in my family and even in my therapy and, even though when I think about it I know that certain things that were done to me (or not) weren't okay at all, I also feel like I'm lying to myself or others and exaggerating. I don't feel like I'm doing it to feel special, but maybe as an excuse. On the other hand, for me it's important that my thinking is very clear about those things, even though emotionally I get confused sometimes. It's like an anchor keeping me grounded.

I'm sorry your therapist seems to have gone faster than you maybe felt you could go. Personally I believe a therapist shouldn't do that, even though I know it can be frustrating to go over the same issues with little or no apparent progress. But it is a big part of the job. There are many types of abuse and there is no need to compare to others - but at the same time I strongly believe in going at your own pace and in the direction that feels the most healing for you.

Do you intend to tell your therapist about how you experienced her remark? She may know you don't believe it was abuse but she may not know all the nuances of what it's like for you to hear her say that.

[Argonautomobile]

I agree that there's no need to compare your abuse to others'. Hang in there.

[Polibeth]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

My T and I just had a very similar discussion today so I get it. In my case saying that I was a liar who.made things up was one technique my mom used to keep.me from telling anyone. The result is that even though I am telling what I know to be the truth I still feel like I am making things up.

I don't have any advice for you but I understand

OMG. I thought I was the only one who had a mother who did this. She told everyone that I was a pathological liar and people believed her until I became and adult and she was still acting bizarre. She's been out of my life for 20 years and that has been for the best!

[precaryous]

"I don't know I'm feeling very confused. I haven't made anything up I just find it hard to accept that it was this damaging and that actually it really wasn't that bad and I dealt with it fine. Can anyone identify? I feel all over the place and think she must be lying, but then why does she say it. She is a very experienced therapist who I have worked with for years and in whom I have complete trust. I just feel a complete fraud and a mess."

Willowleaf, I think I can relate. SometimesI think it can be a matter of perspective. When we are in a bad situation it may not look as bad or abusive to us...as it does to others.

I will give you a true example from my own life. It may be triggering, sorry:

I thought I had told T all the "big" traumas. But I asked her about a situation that happened to me when I three.

Possible trigger:

My parents bought a movie camera and decided to film our family (Dad, Mom, two older brothers and me.) Home movies were a big deal in the 50's and 60's.

We were all happy and excited to be filmed. My dad asked us to "move around."
All my three-year-old mind could think to do was quickly remove my underwear and do a frontward somersault off of the living room sofa. Everyone laughed. I'm sure my mother had me put my clothes back on.

My nude somersault became part of my family's home movies. My parents showed our home movies to relatives, friends, even the neighborhood children.
I always became embarrassed and angry when my dad showed that particular movie. Now, looking back, I don't know why I didn't throw the movie away.

I told all this to T and I didn't think much of it. Sure, it was embarrassing and made me angry. But I didn't think it was abusive. I was surprised T thought so. She explained to me that my father was supposed to protect me.

Possible trigger:

Instead, he exposed me over and over...to everyone. No one told my father, "No, you shouldn't be showing that movie." Not even my mother.

The event didn't seem that abusive to me because I was in the middle of it. I wasn't looking at the event through anyone else's lens.

Is that possible for you, too? Are you too close to the event to see it as abusive or traumatic?
I hope this helps you.

[Suraya]

I can really relate to what you wrote. I also feel like a fraud or that I must be exaggerating because T is always exclaiming how much abuse I've suffered. I've never thought about it until I started seeing her. I knew my family was messed up and my childhood was dysfunctional with an alcoholic father and depressed mother, but as I started telling my stories, T was shocked by all the abuse. As a teacher, I often see children who I can visibly tell are abused and I question how T can tell me my abuse was so much worse than others.

[feralkittymom]

There may be a more positive way to consider your feelings of being a fraud. One thing that it achieves is to keep you in control. The power of being in control is a valid coping response in the face of helplessness. It not only gives a sense of agency, but also protects us from what can be a frightening level of anger about the trauma.

Maybe if you can start to respect this ability, rather than disparage it, you can begin to accept what it is protecting you from --past trauma.

[Willowleaf]

Feralkittymum it's that exactly! Yes control is one of my main coping strategies and I do respect it. Without the ability to look after myself, like many of us, I may not be here today. She is trying to get me to see I don't need to rely on them all now, but I've just had a Christmas break and she inadvertently really upset me at our last session so I have reverted to all my usual strategies. Yes, we will be discussing this again, but only when I'm ready. I'm relieved to find so many of you willing to say how you can relate and share bits of your stories as I think I am starting to feel I can put it more in perspective. My t would say to stop trying to rationalise it and just sit with the feelings but they are a little to mixed up to be with and function normally at the moment! Thank you

Sometimes I cope with the abuse I endured by downplaying what really happened. Hope you can work through this with your T.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Hi, I don't normally post and I'm not sure what I want from you all, but my t said something tonight that really affected me. I had reacted badly to something and was trying to explain. She was great and completely accepting, but then at some point something was said and she said when are you going to wake up and believe me that the level of abuse you experienced was extreme. That it actually can't get much worse, but that still I deny it. She has been trying to get me to realise this for some time but tonight was the first time she put it that strongly. She then backed it up with examples from my life that I don't want to share, but instead of feeling validated I just feel a fraud. I just think part of me wanted her to think this so maybe I will seem a bit special? I don't know I'm feeling very confused. I haven't made anything up I just find it hard to accept that it was this damaging and that actually it really wasn't that bad and I dealt with it fine. Can anyone identify? I feel all over the place and think she must be lying, but then why does she say it. She is a very experienced therapist who I have worked with for years and in whom I have complete trust. I just feel a complete fraud and a mess.

Yes, I understand your feelings. I, too, struggle with abuse and trauma issues and feel that because I got through the experiences, they couldn't have been *that* bad, could they? The only way I can explain how I deal with what you're feeling now is that your mind has not yet accepted the severity of your abuse. Because I'm not a T, but have worked in the clinical psychology arena, I can't say for sure, but I think your T will continue to work toward getting you to accept the level of abuse you experienced so that you can truly heal. I'm sorry you're distressed now, but you shouldn't feel you are a fraud...your mind is trying to wrap itself around what your T keeps reinforcing and that's extremely upsetting. Try to breathe and recognize that your T is on your side and is present for you; she wouldn't tell you something that's not true.