[1stepatatime]

So in my last session my therapist and I were discussing my resistance to being totally vulnerable and letting go, I tend to contain stuff.. The heavy duty stuff in session. I'm not able to become really emotional , cry, etc. I tend to be guarded and my therapist knows me well so she knows it is me protecting myself . Here is the reason for this post... My therapist told me that I need to "fall in love" with her. She was not suggesting that we have sex or that she is in love with me, but more like just falling for her. Make no mistake my therapist is ethical and would never suggest anything inappropriate.I think it's the whole maternal transference thing. I know how it works , and I do have those feelings but they are so guarded and tucked away.. I'm afraid to let go and " fall in love"... What do I do with this ??

[atisketatasket]

She wants you to develop maternal and/or erotic transference for her? I would run, personally.

But as you seem to like her, maybe ask about this more. Including does she know how to handle transference. Or is she just trying to get you to share more information with her or cry in front of her? Sharing information is one thing if it's something you need help with, but I don't understand why a good number of therapists seem to think clients should cry in front of them as part of the process.

[stopdog]

The first one I see kept going on about how I needed to become attached to her and she really really wanted me to cry in front of her.
The problem for me was she could not give me a good reason for why I would want such a thing nor would she explain how such things would help with why I went to see her in the first place.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

She wants you to develop maternal and/or erotic transference for her? I would run, personally.

But as you seem to like her, maybe ask about this more. Including does she know how to handle transference. Or is she just trying to get you to share more information with her or cry in front of her? Sharing information is one thing if it's something you need help with, but I don't understand why a good number of therapists seem to think clients should cry in front of them as part of the process.

Lol, I understand about running ... At that very moment when she said that I may have considered booking the hell outta there! But because I trust her I didn't . Can she handle the transference? Yes, I'm pretty sure she's well equipped to handle it. I don't think she just wants me to full on cry but she knows that I hold stuff inside, she is trying to get me to get it out .. She really encourages me to do the body work, bioenergetics however I'm not always receptive to that either. Yes, I'm a tough cookie and resistant!

[ChipperMonkey]

"Fall in Love" with her?

What kind of BS is this?

Falling in love with someone who you can only know on a professional level?

I think this therapist is going to do you more damage than good.

Maybe you should read the many posts about people who get overly attached to their therapists only to be dumped in an instant. They're all devastated.

I honestly think this whole "substitution for what's missing in your life" stuff is a bunch of crap. Why encourage FAKE relationships when you can be going out there and having REAL relationships?

I think its FAR more advantageous to have a client learn to accept the fact that a parent, etc did not love them in the way they needed to be loved. "Love" from a therapist will NEVER come within a million miles of being comparable to parental love. Ever. Its ludicrous to even suggest the notion.

[yagr]

Falling in love with someone that you have to pay to spend time with you seems like a really, really bad idea to me.

[feralkittymom]

If you trust her, respect her competency, and know that you are resistant and that keeping all this emotion pent up is painful to you (it seems you have already recognized that you have maternal transference feelings), then I would go for it. That said, I think her phrasing was awful, and I don't know that it's ever a good idea for a T to directly encourage a transference. I think it should be supported and very carefully handled, but the research suggests it be nade explicit only after the developmental tasks it enables have been experienced.

I think its FAR more advantageous to have a client learn to accept the fact that a parent, etc did not love them in the way they needed to be loved. "Love" from a therapist will NEVER come within a million miles of being comparable to parental love. Ever. Its ludicrous to even suggest the notion.

Accepting the loss and also filling the void are not incompatible. You're right that love from a T will never be comparable to parental love, but it can fill in the developmental gap that the absence of such love created. But it takes a very skilled T to do so, and wouldn't be applicable to all clients. There is a sizeable body of research which explains how this can be accomplished. It very much worked for me.

[Elkino]

I hope she only chose the wrong words to express what she meant.
In a way I think I understand what she means though. She probably wants you to be the way people are when they fall in love and fully start to trust one person, they feel safe enough to share everything, to be fully themselves, ...
I guess that's what your T means. And as you're quite sure that she would never say this in an inappropriate way... I hope this is what it's about.
But I don't know whether we can 'force' this. I mean, you fall in love with someone or you don't, you feel comfortable enough to share everything with someone or you don't...

I hope you ever get the feeling of being safe with your T, so you can talk about all the things you have to talk about in order for you to heal and get better.

[LonesomeTonight]

I would ask what exactly she meant by "fall in love" with her. Is she just using that as a term for completely trusting her? Or does she actually mean more like what falling in love is?

I had some paternal and some erotic transference for my marriage counselor, and we worked through it (though it was painful at times). And a bit of maternal transference for my T. But those developed naturally as a product of therapy and realizing some of what I had been missing in childhood and from other relationships. If one of them had actually said, "fall in love with me!" or "please develop intense transference for me," then that would have seemed weird.

So that's why I think you should ask her more about what she wants and why she thinks it would help you.

I can't say it any better than Feralkittymom or Elkino. I think your therapist said it in a really clumsy and awkward way. I would wonder if she didn't get impatient and just blurt out what she was thinking instead of waiting it out. It sounds like up to this point the two of you have developed a solid relationship and she needs to settle down and wait until you're ready. Those who are doing an "attachment" type therapy come to the point of trust at our own speed--or not at all if that's not your goal. I know that I can cry in therapy, but I can't talk about the really difficult stuff . . . yet. I like her, I think she's the right therapist for me, but deep, intimate trust is very difficult for me.

I wish your therapist hadn't said what she did because if my therapist had said that to me (even though I understand it intellectually), it would have skeeved me out and I'd resist, making the process even more complicated. Hang in there . . . if you still feel good about the work the two of you are doing.

[nottrustin]

I hope it is a case of a poor choice of words on T's part. It would be very creepy otherwise. What a way to cause a lot more problems for the client.

[magno11789]

I understand attachment in therapy. I think it is important to have a healthy attachment with your therapist. I too am a pretty guarded person and try not to show that I am even slightly attached to my T. If my T suggested I need to "fall in love" with her I would be out the door and never coming back or I would have just shut down and not stop talking. My therapist has an attachment style therapy. I really like and I trust her more than my past 3 Ts. However, I don't trust her enough with everything yet. I agree with jaybird57 people come to the point of trust at their own speed.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

"Fall in Love" with her?

What kind of BS is this?

Falling in love with someone who you can only know on a professional level?

I think this therapist is going to do you more damage than good.

Maybe you should read the many posts about people who get overly attached to their therapists only to be dumped in an instant. They're all devastated.

I honestly think this whole "substitution for what's missing in your life" stuff is a bunch of crap. Why encourage FAKE relationships when you can be going out there and having REAL relationships?

I think its FAR more advantageous to have a client learn to accept the fact that a parent, etc did not love them in the way they needed to be loved. "Love" from a therapist will NEVER come within a million miles of being comparable to parental love. Ever. Its ludicrous to even suggest the notion.

It's not ludicrous if its the closest approximation you've ever had, and the best model you've got. Obviously its not the same as having a real parent but its pretty hard even for cute sweet children in foster care to find people to volunteer to be parents for them . as an adult you are screwed. If you repeatedly fail at adult relationships because you are driven by a difficult to articulate inner need rooted in childhoid you have to do SOMETHING. If you are self destructive because at your core you believe you are worthless and unloveable you have to do SOMETHING. My T has done a great job of helping me heal.those wounds though its taking time. At least my first response to any rejection is not to consider suicide anymore.

Those two things, acceptance and receiving a limited version of parental love are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact therapy usually consists of BOTH and for me the limited parent like love from my T gives me a safe place to return to when the pain of acceptance becomes too much. I mean I'm an adult. Instead of giving me fun baths as a toddler my mom tried to drown me and held me under til I passed out. I don't NEED anyone to bathe my now so of course no one will do that. I still however need to be reminded j deserve to be alive.

Why do people who say "just get it from real life" not aware that REAL LIFE ADULT RELATIONSHIPS, EVEN SPOUSAL ONES, NO MATTER HOW GOOD SIMPLY CAN NOT STAND UP TO THAT OVERWHELMING NEED. Its simply too much for people without T training. I know. I've wrecked relationships with it. Its easy to say "spread your needs out" but the deep.inner needs of childhood at least for me have never worked that way. They choose specific people to manifest with and then things get overwhelming and you end up retraumatized without understanding why.

There is a reason the T profession developed. Some of us from our early trauma have issues that are just too big for our adult relationships. And if no one ever modeled comfort, soothing, peace, love for you, you are stumbling around blind bloodying yourself on stuff until someone does.

Anyone In regards to the OP its a strange way to put it but I understand what she is saying. My only concern is that relationship can't be forced. So if you aren't ready to let down your walls, I don't know that your T lecturing you matters. She might just need to give you time

[unaluna]

Yeah, loosen up! Its like people who are afraid to dance, they dont want to look stupid. They just end up missing out on the fun. Do the chicken dance. Fall in love with your t. Jump and the net will appear. Open up your life.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah, loosen up! Its like people who are afraid to dance, they dont want to look stupid. They just end up missing out on the fun. Do the chicken dance. Fall in love with your t. Jump and the net will appear. Open up your life.

Not necessarily. I mean, if it is a goal for someone then great. It is not my goal for example. A life can get opened up without loving a therapist.
And the chicken dance is the least fun dance I ever had to do.

[atisketatasket]

Before I started doing the chicken dance I would want to know if the therapist could handle the falling in love bit.

It's all very well to say that she's professionally trained, but we've all seen unprofessional behavior from professionally trained folks, not just therapists.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

Originally Posted by BayBrony

It's not ludicrous if its the closest approximation you've ever had, and the best model you've got. Obviously its not the same as having a real parent but its pretty hard even for cute sweet children in foster care to find people to volunteer to be parents for them . as an adult you are screwed. If you repeatedly fail at adult relationships because you are driven by a difficult to articulate inner need rooted in childhoid you have to do SOMETHING. If you are self destructive because at your core you believe you are worthless and unloveable you have to do SOMETHING. My T has done a great job of helping me heal.those wounds though its taking time. At least my first response to any rejection is not to consider suicide anymore.

Those two things, acceptance and receiving a limited version of parental love are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact therapy usually consists of BOTH and for me the limited parent like love from my T gives me a safe place to return to when the pain of acceptance becomes too much. I mean I'm an adult. Instead of giving me fun baths as a toddler my mom tried to drown me and held me under til I passed out. I don't NEED anyone to bathe my now so of course no one will do that. I still however need to be reminded j deserve to be alive.

Why do people who say "just get it from real life" not aware that REAL LIFE ADULT RELATIONSHIPS, EVEN SPOUSAL ONES, NO MATTER HOW GOOD SIMPLY CAN NOT STAND UP TO THAT OVERWHELMING NEED. Its simply too much for people without T training. I know. I've wrecked relationships with it. Its easy to say "spread your needs out" but the deep.inner needs of childhood at least for me have never worked that way. They choose specific people to manifest with and then things get overwhelming and you end up retraumatized without understanding why.

There is a reason the T profession developed. Some of us from our early trauma have issues that are just too big for our adult relationships. And if no one ever modeled comfort, soothing, peace, love for you, you are stumbling around blind bloodying yourself on stuff until someone does.

Anyone In regards to the OP its a strange way to put it but I understand what she is saying. My only concern is that relationship can't be forced. So if you aren't ready to let down your walls, I don't know that your T lecturing you matters. She might just need to give you time

Thank you for articulating what I wanted to say BayBrony. I was the recipient of that kind of love from a therapist, and I have been able to soar Ito new heights.

To the OP: it was certainly different how your therapist said it, but please don't deny yourself the opportunity to have the unmet needs met. Trust was difficult for me to give, and PC had me second guessing my therapist every word, yet she was able to work with my resistance, and prove to me her methods would launch me forward. It did, and I am grateful.

I think I understand what your T was trying to convey, but that was definitely not a good way to say it. Discuss it with her. Only she can explain what she meant by what she said.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

It's not ludicrous if its the closest approximation you've ever had, and the best model you've got. Obviously its not the same as having a real parent but its pretty hard even for cute sweet children in foster care to find people to volunteer to be parents for them . as an adult you are screwed. If you repeatedly fail at adult relationships because you are driven by a difficult to articulate inner need rooted in childhoid you have to do SOMETHING. If you are self destructive because at your core you believe you are worthless and unloveable you have to do SOMETHING. My T has done a great job of helping me heal.those wounds though its taking time. At least my first response to any rejection is not to consider suicide anymore.

Those two things, acceptance and receiving a limited version of parental love are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact therapy usually consists of BOTH and for me the limited parent like love from my T gives me a safe place to return to when the pain of acceptance becomes too much. I mean I'm an adult. Instead of giving me fun baths as a toddler my mom tried to drown me and held me under til I passed out. I don't NEED anyone to bathe my now so of course no one will do that. I still however need to be reminded j deserve to be alive.

Why do people who say "just get it from real life" not aware that REAL LIFE ADULT RELATIONSHIPS, EVEN SPOUSAL ONES, NO MATTER HOW GOOD SIMPLY CAN NOT STAND UP TO THAT OVERWHELMING NEED. Its simply too much for people without T training. I know. I've wrecked relationships with it. Its easy to say "spread your needs out" but the deep.inner needs of childhood at least for me have never worked that way. They choose specific people to manifest with and then things get overwhelming and you end up retraumatized without understanding why.

There is a reason the T profession developed. Some of us from our early trauma have issues that are just too big for our adult relationships. And if no one ever modeled comfort, soothing, peace, love for you, you are stumbling around blind bloodying yourself on stuff until someone does.

Anyone In regards to the OP its a strange way to put it but I understand what she is saying. My only concern is that relationship can't be forced. So if you aren't ready to let down your walls, I don't know that your T lecturing you matters. She might just need to give you time

Thank you, thank you, thank you... Everything that you said resonated with me. I can't just go out and build new relationships and ignore the issues that I have that are so deep within me. I know how to schmooze with the best of them, I have social graces , good working relationships however it's my close friendships , and even more so intimate ones that suffer because as you said we have that longing in these relationships to fufill those needs not met as a child and consequently they suffer and fall apart. My therapist is pretty straight forward and although saying that I will need to fall in love with her were probably not the best choice of words I believe she wants me to rebuild using her, to practice so that in my personal life my relationships will not suffer. Having said that I plan on dissecting this with her tonight, thank you again

Good Luck dissecting this with your t tonight 1step.
I think that baybrony said what I couldnt say in such beautiful words and I think that sometimes t's can be human and phrase things wrong. They are not perfect but I would have to ask her about his because for someone who is suffering with any type of transference this could send us spiralling out of control. Our minds would certainly be working over time trying to interpret the meaning of t saying this but only she knows what she meant by it.
I think the important thing here also is how did you interpret it and do you feel safe enough with your t to (A) discuss it and (B) process what came up for you as you heard it and after processing it.
I think if you feel safe with your t and trust her to really hold these feelings for you, I think it's fine but if this is what your t means that you can become vulnerable and she will hold these feelings in a safe environment for you both to process them then thats fine and very good for you. If however, she means that you should fall in love with her, meaning feeding her ego or stroking it, that is very different and I would run, run far away!
Perhaps she means neither, only you know your t and only she can explain what she meant by it. I don't think that us interpreting it can really help you and could have a negative affect on your therapy. The important thing here is how did you feel as she said it and what will you do wiith these feelings now?

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah, loosen up! Its like people who are afraid to dance, they dont want to look stupid. They just end up missing out on the fun. Do the chicken dance. Fall in love with your t. Jump and the net will appear. Open up your life.

First off , you don't know me so you telling me to "loosen up" doesn't sit well with me. I'm not a confrontational person but still, I didn't care for that response , just sayin

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Good Luck dissecting this with your t tonight 1step.
I think that baybrony said what I couldnt say in such beautiful words and I think that sometimes t's can be human and phrase things wrong. They are not perfect but I would have to ask her about his because for someone who is suffering with any type of transference this could send us spiralling out of control. Our minds would certainly be working over time trying to interpret the meaning of t saying this but only she knows what she meant by it.
I think the important thing here also is how did you interpret it and do you feel safe enough with your t to (A) discuss it and (B) process what came up for you as you heard it and after processing it.
I think if you feel safe with your t and trust her to really hold these feelings for you, I think it's fine but if this is what your t means that you can become vulnerable and she will hold these feelings in a safe environment for you both to process them then thats fine and very good for you. If however, she means that you should fall in love with her, meaning feeding her ego or stroking it, that is very different and I would run, run far away!
Perhaps she means neither, only you know your t and only she can explain what she meant by it. I don't think that us interpreting it can really help you and could have a negative affect on your therapy. The important thing here is how did you feel as she said it and what will you do wiith these feelings now?

Thanks Mona, I'm on a lunch break so I have to be brief but yes, I will discuss with her tonight .. I do think her intention is good but it deserves more conversation.. As always thanks for your support!

[2or3things]

BayBrony's reply rocks. I just wanted to add my thoughts, in case they're of help.

1step, from my point of view what your T said sounds like an absolute gift. Maybe it wasn't the most eloquent way of putting it given your relationship at present, but I really think it was excellent nonetheless. Here's why...

I think we're a lot alike in the way we hold things in / won't just let go. For me--and maybe for you?--that's always been about feeling like I need to maintain control and avoid rejection. (Thanks Mom! That's where it started.) Anyway, so I've tried to control the process with T as much as possible, which doesn't really work, of course. My T has been as patient as anyone could be, but she also hasn't just let me run the show.

I only recently realized (after 6 1/2 years with T) that my desire to be able to love my mom without being rejected was an issue that was getting played out in therapy. I finally figured it out one day during a heavy moment in T where I started babbling about how I wanted to be able to love my mom but she wouldn't allow it. At the end of it all I said "And what I want to know is if it's OK to love you (T)."

She responded beautifully (and not at all creepily). Among other things she said she was genuinely pleased that I could allow myself to feel that sort of connection with her.

It felt like a total gift, especially because of my controlling issues. I mean, I had to be brave enough to ask, but she basically let me know that it was going to be OK if I had loving feelings toward her...that she wouldn't reject me for it. And that's what I mean about it being a gift for you when T told you she wanted you to fall in love with her. Maybe it's her way of saying that it's OK for you to have the deep feelings toward her that will allow you to open up more easily. She's not going to reject you for it.

For me, since that moment therapy has gotten better / the pace has picked up. I feel less desperate to control things, even though there's still a lot of grieving she and I both know I need to do. And I'm so grateful to her for it. There are, of course, no guarantees. If I got crazy needy, maybe she'd have to back off for example. But for now I finally trust her enough that I feel like I can give up a little control and talk more.

Wishing you peace. And while lots of people have given lots of good reasons to be cautious, I still say jump in. For me it's been SO worth it!

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

First off , you don't know me so you telling me to "loosen up" doesn't sit well with me. I'm not a confrontational person but still, I didn't care for that response , just sayin

For me, unaluna's statement was a funny lighthearted way to say, "don't be afraid. You can do this." I also took it to mean in general we can try things we might be apprehensive about. No malice intended. Many times I appreciate her way of stating things. This is imo only.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

First off , you don't know me so you telling me to "loosen up" doesn't sit well with me. I'm not a confrontational person but still, I didn't care for that response , just sayin

Sorry. You're right, i dont know you. I was probably answering more in the spirit of what i would have to do / did do / change of mindset i needed to respond to the t's message. More of an exercise class lets loosen up, not youre uptight you need to loosen up. I am really sorry if thats how it came across. That was not my intent at all, nor my understanding of you.

Re 2or3things - hi! Yes, the mother not letting us love them. Boy would i love an answer why to that. Or maybe not. But its a weird kind of rejection. Its not like an SO saying "i dont love you" - its someone saying, "i dont want your love - go give it to someone else" - but they ARE in the lineup and they dont designate another hitter. Or give you up for adoption. They just stand in your way.