[Elkino]

I told my T what was keeping me from getting into action, looking for a new job. I said I was scared. T said 'Aren't you scared of everything?'.
I don't think she meant it in a bad way, but I couldn't let go of it.

If it would be true (I'm quite sure a lot scares me these days ), do you think a T can say it like that? I want my T to be honest. Maybe just not that honest...

Do you want your T to be absolutely honest, even when it hurts?

I want my T to be honest, but in a nice way.

Yes, I expect my T to be completely honest, and at times that means he will say things I would rather not hear, but some of my best understanding of myself and best motivation towards change has come to me through his honesty. I don't fear his words and I honestly don't get hurt by his words; my reaction is more one of "Okay, that was hard to hear, but you may have a point." He and I have always been straight with each other that way, so we trust each other's intentions and choose to learn from each other through that kind of straight-forward honesty. It isn't for everybody, but it works for me. Rather than dwell on how it makes me feel, I dwell on what I can do to confront that issue within myself.

[NowhereUSA]

I have a similar relationship with my T as lola. I want him to say difficult things, even if they are worded in a blunt way. I've always been a direct person though and I've always appreciated directness towards me.

I think the only piece I would disagree with is the use of "everything" - while I know what she meant on some level, my own T shies away from "all" "nothing" "never" "always" that kind of thing. Because you're not afraid of *everything*, you're afraid of a number of things and the verbiage can have an emotional impact.

[atisketatasket]

If I were a therapist and said that to a client, I'd be trying to get them to realize that to deal with their constant fears they need to take a first step.

It is honest, and the sort of thing I would hope my therapists would say.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I want my therapist to be honest with me but in a nice way because I am very sensitive.

[Lauliza]

My T and pdoc have both been honest with me in a similar way (especially my pdoc). They both do it in a direct but thoughtful way so even though it might sting, I appreciate the feedback. Whenever I've had this kind of interaction with either of them it's ultimately been very helpful.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think big transitions are scary for most people.

Is it possible that your T meant "how is this fear of looking for a new job different from all your other fears? You've been afraid before and lived through it, you (and many of us) feel fear all the time without having it control you--how is this different?"

Does that seem like the kind of thing your T would say? Not a judgement or criticism of you but a simple observation that fear, while totally understandable, is not in itself a reason to avoid taking steps to make your life better.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I want my T to always be honest. Though I prefer honesty in nicest way possible. If the honesty or delivery hurts, then we talk about it.

I'm not ready for my T to be honest with me, it's hard enough for me to just talk and start to trust her, I think she knows this. Perhaps your T didn't mean that to come out the way it sounded?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I want my therapist to be honest with me but in a nice way because I am very sensitive.

Same here!

[Pennster]

I am a little confused about whether this was actually an honest thing for your therapist to say. I think it sounds more hyperbolic than honest. Unless you actually are afraid of *everything*- in which case, I think you're doing great for being employed, seeing a therapist, and posting here. Those are all things that cause a lot of people a lot of anxiety- many to the point that they actually won't do them at all.

Did it really feel honest to you, Elkino? Do you feel it would help to talk to her about whether it was actually true thing to say and whether her perception is correct? You sound like you were a little hurt by it.

[dontevenknow]

I think a lot of the time it's not the honesty that's problematic but rather the context and phrasing. I appreciate honesty and am a fairly blunt person but I'm also very sensitive. So I want people to keep it real but in a way that doesn't seem harsh or uncaring.

In this situation (and this is just speculation) there could have been a misinterpretation. Your therapist said "you're scared of everything" and you may have heard that as you're messed up or you've got a lot of issues. Maybe that's not what she meant though. She could have added more context to clarify why she pointed that out. For instance she could have said "you're scared of this but I know you have a lot of other fears too. You conquer some of those so maybe that shows that you can conquer this too. Or that it being frightening shouldnt rule it out because fears are common (for you and everyone else).
Did that make any sense at all? Hah sometimes things make more sense in my head.

Yes, my t is brutally honest with me and i find it helpful, not always comfortable, but helpful.

[Inner_Firefly]

Originally Posted by Elkino

I told my T what was keeping me from getting into action, looking for a new job. I said I was scared. T said 'Aren't you scared of everything?'.
I don't think she meant it in a bad way, but I couldn't let go of it.

If it would be true (I'm quite sure a lot scares me these days ), do you think a T can say it like that? I want my T to be honest. Maybe just not that honest...

Do you want your T to be absolutely honest, even when it hurts?

Hi Elkino,

Looking for a new job can be scary, because there is so much unknown. I can understand how hard it is to get into action. You should feel free to express all your fears and discuss what is stopping you. I wonder if your T's comment made you feel inhibited from saying everything that's on your mind?

If my T said that to me I would be kind of confused/ unsure what she means.
Was it supposed to be a helpful comment? Is your T a good T? Is she usually a good listener? I think her phrasing is a bit ambiguous without knowing her facial expression and tone of voice. Do you think she was saying it in a critical way, or was she trying to say you are a courageous person who has already overcome many fears?

Let's hope your T meant it in a good way! Will you bring it up to discuss with her? I hope she can be sensitive and aware of how your words can affect you. Please keep us updated!

I was just thinking about this yesterday, actually, how she is very honest with me and how if someone else said some of the things she has said rather matter-of-factly, I would have gotten angry or started bawling or more likely both, but when t says them these days, it's fine and I take it in as honestly as it was offered. I think that is because she is only saying things that if I look honestly at my own self, I would say the exact same things, you know like I already know they are true deep inside me, or something. Sometimes she is so inside my head..... but it works best that way....for me anyway.

[Miswimmy1]

I want my t to always be honest and straightforward. That being said, I want my t to be able to explain themselves when they do make blunt statements such as what yours said.

I actually like when my therapist makes retorts such as that because while jarring, it often makes me think about other aspects of my life. And mockingly sounding or not, usually my t's comment holds some grain of truth. How we move forward from a comment like that has a lot to do with how tactifully t can explain her comment.

If we have a childhood where emotional abuse was disguised s
As honesty, we hear things differently. We are attuned to every word said to us.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by Elkino

I told my T what was keeping me from getting into action, looking for a new job. I said I was scared. T said 'Aren't you scared of everything?'.
I don't think she meant it in a bad way, but I couldn't let go of it.

I don't see the slightest "honesty" in a condescending, snide remark like that. If someone said that to me I'd think it all about the woman who delivered it and her need to be judgmental. Of course seeking out, getting and embarking on a new job is intimidating. It's a combination of competing, salesmanship, testing abilities, learning new systems, developing new skills and leaping into the unknown. To suggest that carries no stress, contains no need to worry is pathologizing the normal.

And what if I really was "afraid of everything"? First, I can't be. I managed to function, travel to therapy and pay for it. I left my room, ate something and got out in the world. There is no way a general, condemning label like that would be the slightest help or insight for me. It merely asserts the woman delivered it needs to feign superiority by taking advantage of my situational vulnerability.

I don't think we stop being human beings at the consulting room door. If a girlfriend said that to me over lunch it would sound incredibly "frenemy" and catty. Being a therapist doesn't buy immunity from tact. And she sets an atrocious example of interpersonal skills.

One yardstick--if you said that to her I bet she wouldn't like it. Or if you told her she's really talking about her own fears, bet she wouldn't like that either.

[lunatic soul]

I want my T to be honest even when it hurts like hell and he is honest.

[stopdog]

Actually no - I don't really concern myself with a therapist being honest or not. I don't think they are as a group and I certainly don't find them being brutal more honest than non-brutality.

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I think big transitions are scary for most people.

Is it possible that your T meant "how is this fear of looking for a new job different from all your other fears? You've been afraid before and lived through it, you (and many of us) feel fear all the time without having it control you--how is this different?"

Does that seem like the kind of thing your T would say? Not a judgement or criticism of you but a simple observation that fear, while totally understandable, is not in itself a reason to avoid taking steps to make your life better.

Thanks for the reply. Really helps me to try to see it from a different perspective... which of course isn't always easy when we feel a bit hurt by a remark. I really think my T didn't have bad intentions. Maybe she said it without thinking, maybe she wanted to say something different than the way I 'read' those words.
I guess I'll try to bring it up later, figure out what this is about...

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by Pennster

I am a little confused about whether this was actually an honest thing for your therapist to say. I think it sounds more hyperbolic than honest. Unless you actually are afraid of *everything*- in which case, I think you're doing great for being employed, seeing a therapist, and posting here. Those are all things that cause a lot of people a lot of anxiety- many to the point that they actually won't do them at all.

Did it really feel honest to you, Elkino? Do you feel it would help to talk to her about whether it was actually true thing to say and whether her perception is correct? You sound like you were a little hurt by it.

Thanks, your post made me think about how honest it 'could be'. I think you're right. There are a lot of things I'm not afraid of, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today, doing what I'm doing.
It must have been hyperbolic, I guess. But, yes, I am hurt. I went through soooo much, not knowing what it would bring me and then having someone tell me I'm scare dof everything... that was a bit too much.
Unless of course it was meant as 'you're scared of a lot, but you don't let that stop you, so... why should this stop you now?'.
I guess I'll try bringing it up next time. At least that's another thing that used to scare me, but doesn't anymore. ;-)

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by dontevenknow

I think a lot of the time it's not the honesty that's problematic but rather the context and phrasing. I appreciate honesty and am a fairly blunt person but I'm also very sensitive. So I want people to keep it real but in a way that doesn't seem harsh or uncaring.

In this situation (and this is just speculation) there could have been a misinterpretation. Your therapist said "you're scared of everything" and you may have heard that as you're messed up or you've got a lot of issues. Maybe that's not what she meant though. She could have added more context to clarify why she pointed that out. For instance she could have said "you're scared of this but I know you have a lot of other fears too. You conquer some of those so maybe that shows that you can conquer this too. Or that it being frightening shouldnt rule it out because fears are common (for you and everyone else).
Did that make any sense at all? Hah sometimes things make more sense in my head.

Yes! That makes sense. :-)
Thank you so much. Always love this forum when people can help me get a different perspective on things.
That was a great post.

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Hi Elkino,

Looking for a new job can be scary, because there is so much unknown. I can understand how hard it is to get into action. You should feel free to express all your fears and discuss what is stopping you. I wonder if your T's comment made you feel inhibited from saying everything that's on your mind?

If my T said that to me I would be kind of confused/ unsure what she means.
Was it supposed to be a helpful comment? Is your T a good T? Is she usually a good listener? I think her phrasing is a bit ambiguous without knowing her facial expression and tone of voice. Do you think she was saying it in a critical way, or was she trying to say you are a courageous person who has already overcome many fears?

Let's hope your T meant it in a good way! Will you bring it up to discuss with her? I hope she can be sensitive and aware of how your words can affect you. Please keep us updated!

My T is a really good T. Maybe not always working 'by the rules' and she does have some boundary problems sometimes, but... She's helpful for me.
I do think that, because she knows me quite well by now, she feels more comfortable saying things that are on her mind. And quite often I need a 'hard' comment or a little bit of pressure to get me into action. So maybe it was helpful after all. But it can be dangerous if you don't know how to use that comment.

After reading all the comments here, I start realizing that maybe she meant that I do have a lot of fears, but they don't stop me all the time, so why should this one stop me?
But of course, when she doesn't put it into its context, it's hard to not start to wonder about the true meaning. And if you're not that very self-confident, like me, then... well...

Thanks for the post, I will try to bring it up next time and try to figure out what she meant. Because I noticed during our conversation that I was a bit hurt and then later on she mentioned that she felt my energy, as if she was a really bad person, why she only tried to point a few things out.
So maybe I have to learn to address it immediately and not let it ruin the whole session...