Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear T,

Tomorrow. Tomorrow in session with you I'll meet your replacement. I don't want a new T, again. That's what? 5 months with that person. Unless I don't like her, then I'll look for another T. I'm so sick of jumping from T to T.
I hate that this is the last month with you before your leave.

Do you know how lucky you are? How good you have it?
I'm all alone. No real friends. No boyfriend. I've nothing. Only depression and anxiety.

My heart misses you so incredibly much right now. I saw you less than 24hours ago and see you again in less than 1. What is my problem? It's like I can't get close enough to you while I'm feeling this way. I don't understand.

Oh for pete's sake. I just started writing another poem to you. It sounds like goodbye. I thought I just wanted a break?!

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

🌈

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I shouldn't have told you all those things. I think you have totally misunderstood what I said.

I don't want to be a burden on you anymore. I feel that I am a burden on everyone. My thoughts are going south. I kind of want to die.

Thank you for always meeting me where I am.
Thank you for always giving me what I need.
Thank you for going the speed I need to go and slowing me down when I'm going too fast.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for being an amazing T for me.

t,

its ur birthday tomorrow. im glad you liked the card i got you and the rainbow cards i got you (but um they were kinda for me too ) HAPPY 1 DAY TIL YOURE ALMOST FORTY!!!!!

me

Oh God T,
Our relationship has now evolved in a way I would have never-ever imagined some time ago. I realize you initiate contact And if you don't, I'll text you at any time between 8 am and 11pm and you'll get back to me. If i use e-mail hoping you take your time instead of instant chat, you get back to me in 1 hours with a one-page long, compassionate and very helpful email. Which I never pay for. It's what I've always wanted as many here. It's.. a dream basically. I feel so blessed and I actually love it BUT, I'm so scared. What if I cross the line!? I don't want to be like my ex boss.. I don't want you to get burn out!!!

ps. I'm so happy that despite dark times I never got a new T.
Because you basically always caught me before I hit the ground. Ecen during your pregnancy you were there. I was privileged (and so ashamed about that). I love you T. For what you've been doing for me, from fee/time to the ticket game we invented for when I freak out. Despite you life having chahged A LOT for sure - but i hardly ever notice it. You always protect us both. You are a mom now and your child is so blessed to have you - and I feel so immensely blessed too, for your indestructible faith and constant commitment to the lost soul that I am. Despite you being much busier than once.. you stil fit me in every week no matter what.

I appreciate it, I really do.

Thank you ❤️

T,

See you tomorrow.

I probably shouldn't have sent that text. Waiting for your reply is excruciating. I should have waited til Monday and I bet that is what your reply will be today. I feel an idiot. I have tuned my phone to silent so if you call you will be forced to leave a message or text. I feel like a dog who knows he will be kicked.

T that reply was a total misunderstanding but I realise i was being vague not deliberately. I'll see you on Monday.

Dear G, so it is almost 2 weeks since our final session. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, but I had a really good day at work today. I'm getting used to the schedule, and I'm figuring out how to deal with a couple of the more difficult children. When I got to work today, some of the children were coming down the hall to go to the bathroom, and 3 of them came to give me hugs and tell me that they missed me yesterday. I don't work Tuesdays because I have class. I am managing the transitions better now, and getting into the routine. I love when the kids are interested in my songs. I love seeing their excitement when I have something new for them in my backpack. Today I brought pom poms and glue sticks that go onto the paper purple but turns clear when it dries.

Work is going well and I feel energized by most of my interactions with the children, but I am getting behind in my course work, and my apartment is getting messier and dirtier as I am having trouble keeping up with everything. Sometimes I just feel so exhausted when I get home from work. This evening after work I went to SuperStore and Dollarama and Walmart to get props for my story basket assignment, and by the time I got home I was feeling so wound up. I have laundry to do and I need to write my story along with the activity plan, and I need to do dishes and cook and I really need to start tidying my apartment, but I knew if I started doing any of that I would start whipping myself up into a manic frenzy. I have to be aware of my moods and aware of when I need to slow down and do my relaxing things so I don't go manic, but then that means I don't do things like cleaning and cooking.

I have so much more to tell you, and every time I realize I won't be going back to see you it hits me like a hard ball in my stomach. I miss you SO MUCH. But I know I couldn't be in therapy forever. And I didn't really want to be doing therapy anymore, but I also didn't want to say good-bye to you. I just wish that we could be friends. I love you.

You don't have to fix my problems or talk constantly. Being there is enough. But you keep going into hyperactive mode. Calm the eff down.

T,

We haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. I've a 31 page letter...I type a lot! Usually 20+ pages, which is still a lot! I'm scared I annoy you with them. I type so much as I process things. I'm scared I'll overwhelm you like ex T and it will be too much.

Where do we go from here? I feel sad and a bit guilty about raising my voice to you, you're a good person. I know you feel sad about not understanding what I needed. I just wish I didn't have to wait a week to talk to you.

Dear T,

I don't like replacement T. I don't want to go without you for 5 months after this month. I don't want that T. I might leave this practise and look for a T some place else.
I hate you so much right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear T
No session next week. I will miss you.
And, don't you know I just need you to say it. I'm not allowed. Please please just read my mind and understand T. Please.

I am having such mixed feelings about therapy. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to be so attached to you? Life is hard and it has been harder lately. I am thankful that you are there. Thank you for saying in my last session "I am right there by your side". That gave me hope and made me feel happy that I have you beside me.

You're going to tell me I screwed up.
You're going to take it all away.
Just let me know up front.
I'll figure out how to deal with it.

If I walk into session like yesterday never happened can we just ignore it? Please?

I am not sure I will tell you how I found a new way to harm mysef this week. It feels indulgent and stupid.

hi t,

im bummed we couldnt do game night but im glad you are gonna hang out with ur family for your birthday

happy birthday to T happy birthday to T happy birthday to Tttttttt happy birthday to T

see u saturday

me

Looking forward to Saturday, t.

I'm also a Saturday client.