Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear T,
I cut earlier today. I lied to you about it though. I feel like I can't tell you when I cut anymore because you'll just send me to the hospital or think I'm too risky and leave me. I don't want to disappoint you. I'm sorry.

Aargh! I just made a big decision about my future. I didn't discuss it with anyone, I just made a decision and acted on it. I feel a bit nervous about trusting my gut on this. I wish I could talk to you about it. You seem to trust my instincts more than I do.

Well now I've had a message from T1! What a morning this is turning into. I've had to give in and email you before I explode.

T,

Please don't be disappointed in me that Psychiatrist increased my antidepressants and prescribed me a benzodiazepine.

I was honest with him on how much I've been struggling at work. I didn't even tell him about the emotional work we are doing in therapy and how I get highly anxious during therapy.

I felt so bad that I was telling him that I'm struggling and not giving him a "good report".

Please don't think I wanted medication just to numb out. I was honest about my stress at work and worries regarding my increased tasks. We also talked about my existing coping skills in facing these work tasks.

He asked me "How can I help?" and I said I didn't know because I didn't want to manipulate him into prescribing more medication. But he does think a temporary increase is called for and we can always step back down. He's always been judicious and cautious.

Omg, why am I justifying the clinical psychopharmalogy judgment of a psychiatrist of 20+ years to a clinical psychologist with 2 years experience?

He reads your notes in the EHR, I am sure. Whatever it is you put there.

You have destroyed me, along with the other one. You are both miserable people. May God return to you what you have done to me.

If you think you are going to continue violating me over and over and over and over......and that I am going to keep YOUR SECRETS......THINK AGAIN!!!

Let me know HOW IT FEELS TO BE VIOLATED AND BETRAYED!????!!!

I have too much on my mind right now. Too much dark. Too much sadness. Too much. I'm embarrassed but part of that too much is I miss you. I need you. You help. So here I sit missing you, afraid of myself and upset at myself and just a freaking mess. I want to tell you I miss you but I can't. It's stupid. I hurt. We all have hurt but this new 'discovery' is throwing me into a dungeon that I don't want to be in anymore.

T,

I didn't talk much today. I was mostly numb. No feelings, not many thoughts. Very tired. I'm just in a I don't care mood. Depressed.
Only when you started about the new T I got some tears. 5 days. I don't want to meet her. I don't want a session with her. I don't care that you're also there. I don't want a new T. I don't want to start over. Again.
I didn't make eye contact. I just can't look at you. I looked a few times to you from the corners of my eye, and I saw you rub your horrible fat belly. It made me sick. Why do you even go to work? Why aren't you at home? You have a young child at home. Why do you take another child? You work full time. Your boyfriend does too. Why take kids when you're going to dumb them at a day care at such a young age? Why are you even going to work full time again?
I'm so done with it. With everything.
I was slowly doing a little bit better. Until you told me that. Since then I feel like I'm slowly getting back in that severe depression. And I don't care. I don't really care about anything. I also don't know how to stop it. I talk about my feelings/thougths. I try to think positive/helpfull thoughts. But I don't believe that. I don't buy it. It's al useless.

I should have never gone back to therapy. I should have waited a little longer.

You're trying to help me with this transition as good you can. It makes me You are the one who made this situation. It all you.
It feels like you're stabbing me a 100 times with a knife and then trying to stop the bleeding to not let me die.

Yes, I told you today that I didn't felt that much anger this past week. But it's all back after this morning's session.

t,

ok so i did ask you if you secretly despise me like the voices had told me... you said no..none of it is true. just like everything the voices said and say. then i realized u are right because they do lie all the time...i mean i didnt believe that crap about you going to me so why did i believe the crap about your secret seething hatred for me?? i texted u back and said ok, youre right. you said hells yeah. cuz you like to be right...lol. ummm so yea i feel a bit better about all of that but still wondering if youve read my email yet and what the heck youre going to say about it... or if you wont even say anything about it and wait for me to talk about it... which , um, will never happen. not sure if i want you to start the convo or pretend the email never happened... guess we'll see what transpires on sunday at noon.

me

Dear T
i feel like i'm disrespecting you and and being ungrateful by telling you i don't care at all whether to come to session or cancel it. sorry about that . really don't know if i need to consider etiquette and avoid saying this or it's okay because it's therapy session ?
i'm just tired of deep stuff that hurt and see no direct positive effect in discussing them. maybe it will do me good but i really want to avoid the pain.so that's why i think there's no point in continuing therapy.avoiding pain=staying at the surface=getting nothing

T1, how can you be completely oblivious to the consequences of your inconsistent boundaries, which you seem to make up as you go along?

Well I DID tell you this but you are Absolutely amazing and I love you

I can never be/have what I've always wanted and lived for and hoped for so what's the point, T? Is there one? I'm a burden to everyone. I need too much. I need to just go and let everyone be.

Dear T,

I think I am soon going to be done with therapy. We discussed this. I have to be sure, but I am not. It frightens me to think you will not be a "part" of my life.

Do I tell you that they are telling me to do I need to tell you that? Does it matter? I'm in pain. Physically, emotionally and I do t know what to do about it. Things keep getting worse inside but I don't want to tell you for fear you'll think I'm saying it for attention which is always what I was accused of growing up. I just want someone to listen without thinking that, I guess I just want someone to hear me and help me.

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You are a miserable, low-life scum-bag. Your clients should be warned about you. I wish someone warned ME about what you were doing BEHIND MY BACK.

I treated YOU with respect. I raved about you. What did you do to me?? YOU SCREWED ME!!! YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST!!! YOU BREACHED CONFIDENTIALITY!!!YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!

You don't deserve to be a T. You don't deserve half of what you have. You don't deserve to have a nice girl waiting on YOU!!! Poor thing will learn the hard way like I did. You mistreat every woman in your life...that includes clients. You are SICK!!!

t,

thinking about that email again and wondering why the heck i sent it



me

I need a hug

Dear Pdoc,

How about 'dem Bruins?!

Me

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Dear T,
Lately I've been worrying more than usual about you leaving me. I'm terrified you'll leave me, and I know that if you do I'll be a mess. Please never leave me. I need you and I love you and I want to be able to have you in my life forever.

T,

I'm thinking about saying goodbye to you

Me

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I am so angry! I can't even function because my feelings of anger are so overwhelming to me. I've never felt this angry before in my life and there's no good reason for it. I texted you to ask for help processing this overwhelming emotion, but you haven't responded. This is only the second time you haven't responded to a text of mine. Are you trying to make me less "dependent"? Force me to deal with things by myself? We'd been meeting twice a week for over a year when you decided I should come less often. Then last week, you decided the every other week twice a week visits weren't "indicated". You didn't talk to me about it. You just said I had to stop and go to once a week, which in reality should be fine, but you didn't think about ME or where I was emotionally when you made that call. I'd told you the week before that my depression was worse. We'd just finished discussing the abuse I endure in marriage, but you had an agenda that didn't consider ME! When I showed emotion about the change, you said it was a sign of dependency and an "unhealthy dynamic". We'd never had an unhealthy dynamic until I showed an emotion. Since when is any emotion not allowed in therapy?

You said you realized you had a problem with caretaking, which is why you made the change, but you don't caretake me. Whenever I ask you about something, you remind me to take care of myself and put myself first. Maybe you think if you don't respond I'll be more likely to leave the abuse. I feel abandoned. And angry. And very angry that I'm so angry I can't function in my normal life and no one is here to help me process the emotion.

It's one text. You said texting was fine. I do it less than once a month. Answer it and say you're sorry I'm hurting or we'll talk about it therapy or something. Acknowledge me as a human being. You said you would. It's the least you can do.

Thamk you.

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T,

I'm in ur office waiting for you. Nervous....

Me

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