Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

You're a sorry excuse for a therapist. You should be paying me for your incompetence. You're an arrogant, narcissistic, sociopath. One day your license will be revoked.

Just staring at a blank page. I know I want to say something to you, but I don't know what it is.

So you can outstare me.
Well done.

You were stern but in a kind way. Motherly. I respect you. I get it now.

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Dear T,

Today was a good session, but a bit too short for me. So much has happened. So many feelings and thoughts.

You can really be trusted. You told me about the email my mum send you. You have to tell me if my parents contact you, but you can't tell them anything without my permission, because I'm your client. Thank you. I know this rule. And I'm glad you were honest about this too. (You never know with T's).

There were a few things I didn't spoke outloud. Feelings I have about you. I'm going to miss you so much. I know there will come a day I'll have to say goodbye to you forever (though I quietly hope we can keep some sort of contact). But I hoped it would have been when I was ready for that. Ok, so it's now for 5 months and then I'll have you back as my T again and then hopefully until I decide I'm ready to stop therapy.
I so wanted a hug from you. Do you do hugs? Just one, before your leave? I'm so afraid to express this to you. A no would hurt to much.
And also, I don't want to touch your enormous belly. That just grosses me out.

I'm scared. I need you. I wish your weekends weren't so long; four days doesn't seem fair and feels like torture every time. I wish you would call me today. I wish I was important enough for you to call me. You know I'm scared and sad and need you but you won't call because you aren't working and it makes me feel even worse.

I don't know how anyone could protect somebody who talks so badly about people, who is deceptive, lying & cheating over someone who has been kind and caring to them. I don't know how anyone could, but I know plenty who have done so. Do you have any ideas why?

Dear T

Forty-five minutes late today. Which meant we had a five minute session. I’m not angry, not really. And you knew I wouldn’t be. I saw what you did, with that compliment. It was veiled, and subtle, and I really do think it was genuine. You meant it, but it was no less manipulative for that fact. It appealed to my vanity, mollified me. No, I’m not angry.

I’m sad.

Not about you, or the five minute session, or anything at all, really. It’s that world-sadness I never told you about, the one that dulls colors and softens edges and lives in a cozy little nest somewhere at the back of my throat.



I never told you about that, either. We’re coming up on the one-year anniversary. And it’s so funny, because you must have asked me a thousand times why—why—didn’t I do it? What kept me going? What reasons did I have? Like you thought I was going to have some great George Bailey revelation about what a Wonderful Life it is, after all.



I wonder if I’d have told you about that, had you been on time today.

I want you here with me. Things feel so broken and so damaged. I want you to hold me, let me cry and tell me things will be ok. I need you.

T..... Why???????

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Dear G, so 2 weeks ago we had our last session, and you won't believe what I did. I can hardly believe it myself. I quit spiritual direction, and I don't think you would understand if I told you about it. But then again, other things I thought you wouldn't understand, you did. Anyway, I just can't do it. I thought it was going to be a good thing for me. I also thought the soul care evenings would be a good thing for me, but 3 out of the five times I've gone, I cried so much that all my makeup came off. I don't even know exactly why I cried so hard. And the thing is, I'm not sure I want to know. I don't want to focus on all the sad and angry things anymore. I don't want to explore why, after all the work we've done, I still can't bring myself to go back to church. I want to be done with that and focus on the happy things, like all the beautiful little children at work who give me so much joy. I just want to live my life now, instead of analyzing it all the time.

T!

I hate you! I hate that you're going to leave me for 5 months! I don't care that you're trying your best to help me with this and help me settle with this new T, your replacement. I don't want her! I don't want to go 5 months without any contact from you. I DON'T WANT THAT!!!
It hurts. You will be fine. You will be happy. You don't need me. If I would say to you that I quit therapy, you'll be fine. Yes, you wouldn't just want me to quit. But if I really would want to quit, you would be fine. Because you don't need me. You know you will say goodbye to every client you see at some point. You know how to deal with that. You probably don't even get attached to client. You have a happy life. Sure, there will be bad times too, but mostly your life is good. And you can go months without seeing me and not even think about me. Because you will be happy with your boyfriend and your daugther and your new born daugther. You're so Lucky.

How am I going to get through this? I have to say goodbye to you in a month. And probably also to Pdoc, unless he wants to wait with refering me back to my GP for the prescribtions, after what happened this week. I don't want to quit seeing him, but I can't keep seeing him just because I like seeing his face.

You're abandoning me during the hardest months of this year. You're not there for me during my exams. You're not there for me at the start of college.

I'm too attachted to you. You know I don't like losing you as my T. But do you realise that I long for more? Do you know that I want to know more about you? Do you know I want a hug from you? Do you know I want more contact with you?
I'm too afraid to talk to you about this. I know what therapy is about. I've seen many T's. And sure, I got a bit curious about them, but it wasn't like this. I wanted them to care about me as a client. I wanted them to try to help me. Which they didn't. Maybe that's why it didn't got to how it now is with you? Maybe that's why I don't have this desire to be a little bit more to you. Like a client++. I now we can't (ever?) be friends or aquintances.

It hurts so much. So so much.

Hey t. Thanks for today, when I said that last time I didn't have anything to talk about, that I just wanted to BE there, thanks for saying it's ok to want that. I felt like I was super open with you today about stuff without any hesitation and I didn't get all emotional or anything. I just told you how I feel. I'm glad we scheduled for twice more this month. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like going deeper with the fear of intimacy thing. I have a hunch I'm gonna need a break even more after that....

You really do think about me during your day don't you?

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Dear T

I really hope we can do a session this week. Sorry for the long email, but things kept coming to mind. Hopefully you can sort it all out. I'm just so frustrated lately.

hey t i'm working on the story with the 3 cards - well, in my head anyway nothing's on paper yet. I know you said I don't have to share it with you but you also know that I will don't you? ha ha Yeah that was a good session yesterday. I'm still kinda in wonderment about how I told you how I was feeling without getting all emotional - honestly, that's how I know it's NOT me being in competition with myself - like you asked - in the past when I've talked about taking breaks and about ending I have always cried - because it was that competing thing. Meaning part of me meant it, but part of me didn't. But yesterday it was all of me so there was no competition. Or something. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you I have that same tarot deck that we used yesterday, so I didn't need to take a picture of the 3 I picked. I can just get my own out when I work on the story.

You refuse to be a human being. I'm afraid it's hopeless. I would never refer another client to you. Especially a woman.

t,

i know i am getting stronger because i looked through that binder, felt bad, was able to put it down and do something else- which ended up with me taking my pol sci exam and getting a 96!!!

before.. i would have lost days in a depression because of that binder.

i see my growth and i hope you do too... i am proud of myself. i want you to be proud of me too.

see you on tuesday

me

Why did you use that word? You know thats what I fear most. I am dribbling wet stuff from my eyes.

T, you are so so nice to me. I love that you sent a text to me unbidden, hoping I was at practice. I happened to see it, and skated around like an idiot, grinning. Thank you for today.

hey t thanks for the email today letting me know we can schedule for next saturday after all. i prefer that to thursday evening, now that we've had a couple-3 on saturday. before we talk about going deeper with the fear of intimacy thing, i want to tell you that it helped me a lot to read your disclosures/policies document you gave me yesterday. I honestly remember very little of it, however it was worded, when I first read it almost 4.5 years ago. I was frankly so nervous that day, waiting to talk to you, not knowing what was going to happen, all I remember of it was thinking "Surely I won't be here longer than 6 months" because it mentioned that depth therapy involves a commitment of time and I couldn't even imagine at the time, that going on 5 years later, we'd still be talking. But I'm so glad we are. Because I have made huge changes in myself for the better and yes like your paper says, I have found it "life changing and transformative".

Dear T,

I think I am in love with you again. You are quite a catch.

Regards,

IT.

T,

I don't know what is going on with us.

Me.

Dear MC,
I'm sad you had to cancel today's session after being out of town last week. I hope you're OK, since you had the receptionist call instead of you. But I'm glad you at least left your schedule with him so that we could reschedule for Friday instead of waiting until next week.

Though I guess it shows I'm much more secure in my relationship with you. Because before, I would have been worried because I'd sent that transference e-mail the week before you went out of town. Even though you responded in a positive way, if it was, say, last summer, I'd have been freaking out. Now I'm just disappointed and hope you're OK (and that your wife and kids are OK). So I guess this means it's a secure attachment? For now, at least...

Miss you and hope to see you Friday.
--LT

Dear T

Something really important happened today, and not with you. I called a helpline cos I feel like I'm falling apart...
And I talked and talked and it was so helpful. About how I know what has happened in my past, but I cant say what it was, I can't own it or acknowledge it because that would be selfish and self centred.

And the woman said, I could maybe just practise saying it, out loud, just to practise, just to see.
And I did. I did. And she asked me if the sky had fallen in, and, do you know what, it hadn't!
And now I wonder...why couldn't you do that for me? Or why couldn't I do that with you? Will you be okay that I spoke to someone else? Am I annoyed with you that you weren't brave enough?
But right now it still feels amazing, and I'm holding on to that.

Red xxx