Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

This pain I am feeling is so bad and so intense that my chest physically hurts. I can feel my heart breaking. I am not ready for this and its not fair. I still love you and I have faith in our work together. I think the love and faith I have is why this hurts so freaking much. I would not wish this pain on anyone.

I hope you have a long and miserable life. You had NO RIGHT TALKING ABOUT ME TO NON PROFESSIONALS!!!! Losing your license would be doing the world a favor.

Ah t. after what I told you today near the end of my session, it is now clear to me that there's nothing that exists that I can't say to you. Thanks for responding the way you did.

I had no idea you were pretending to be a decent person. No idea you were so self absorbed, arrogant, cruel and a control freak.

On the one hand I don't know how you got so far in this life and on the other hand I do. I see how you use people and throw them away. Your brain must have been permanently damaged by the drugs. You need to STOP using me!!! STOP using my problems to make YOU LOOK LIKE A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU REALLY ARE!!

STOP bragging about how you think you helped me when all you did was USE ME!! You totally destroyed my life and think nothing of walking away.

I'm really worried about your upcoming absence. I know it's only a week off, but I can barely make it from Thursday to Tuesday without seeing you as it is. I'm really struggling to get work done this weekend.

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You thought you had it over on me until one day.......how sad is that???

30 sleeps. Seems like such a long time. And then how many times will I see you, twice? I know I said I wasn't going to keep looking but I am seeing another lady on Tuesday who said she would be happy to work with me in the way we talked about. Hope she understands me as much as you did, maybe more if I let her. Just wasn't so sure about the other one after reflecting. Oh this is confusing but you say it is important and I trust you on that (for now) - a huge step in itself.

I'm so scared for next week. And just for you to know, I'm NOT ready for termination so please don't even dare mention it.
Helppp.

Dear T,
I tried another type of self harm today. I don't even know why; I feel good today. I guess I just wanted to try it. I didn't like it though. I'm not going to tell you about this, even though I know I probably should.

T. I hate holidays. I know you want me to enjoy them now that I'm away from my asshole parents but it's so hard. I get weird looks from my family members like I'm the outcast kid with all the problems. I know they all talk about me behind my back, like they know something about how my life was. I don't have love or support anywhere in my family. I only go to family gatherings because it's an obligation, not because I feel welcome. I hate holidays. Absolutely hate them.

hey t. thanks for understanding. it's just, i need to spend some time practicing being Me apart from you. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. But in a very specific way, you have become a part of me (too much a part of me) and I need to find Me apart. I don't know if I made any sense when I told you that. But I think you understood. So thank you for that.

Love,
me

I am dreding sending you this text tomorrow. Hopefully you will not have misinterpreted my first text and you will have kept my appointment as is. If you have cancelled it I will be sooo angry with myself.

T,

I'm a worthless piece of shyt. I deserve every cut I make on my arms.

Why don't you love me anymore? What have I done?

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Thank you for your comforting words. It doesn't make this situation ok or makes the pain any less intense but it has comforted me. You really are such a rare, rare find. THAT makes me sad because I will never find anyone like you.

MC,
So...the "relative in a wheelchair" who scratches your cabinets because she tries to squeeze in places where it doesn't really fit...that's your wife, right? You can just say that, it's OK. I won't pry any more about it.

Thanks for not making today's session what I was concerned it would be--without having even read my e-mail saying I was concerned about it.

And on a lighter note, glad I gave you (and me and H) a good laugh by inadvertently phrasing the basketball thing so it sounded like I was calling you a "moron"! Though it took me a second to realize what was so funny. That's what I get for not being grammatically correct!
--LT

I have got up waay too early and will have to wait forever to send this stupid text.

I shared my heart with you and I am not sure I will be able to do it again, with someone else. Maybe I just need to accept that for now and not ask it of myself. Maybe I need to trust my instincts and allow myself time. Is that what you would say? Probably. Think of me this afternoon.

Why do i doubt you? Why do you have a cncellation list? Nobody ever cancels their sessions with you.

Dear uni therapist,

When my parents were criticising me for the same crap for what feels like the 198363 time, all I wanted to do was talk to you. You say I need to recognise what role I play in the family script, but what good does that do if nobody else recognises theirs? It's like I am trying to explain things to people who aren't listening.

They're not like you. I know it's your job to listen to me, but I feel like you do more than that. You really hear me, as well. You make me feel like maybe I'm not just the "family twat", like maybe I don't have to be a failure.

My parents don't think I'm trying. You see that I am. Thank you.

Love,
BW

So glad to be away from your toxicity and incompetence. Ironic that you turned out to be more messed up than me. Scary too.

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Dear T,

I hope that last hug wasn't too much. I feel silly about it now. I'm know it actually wasn't actually anything awkward on your side, but I'm too ****ing self-conscious about expressing any kind of affection with you that I feel awkward no matter what.

p.s. beyond all my own personal insecurities, I get that you're really proud of me. Thanks for that. I'm proud of me too.

We have an appt in a few hours. I'm super anxious. There is news that someone has died in an accident near your work, and while the chances of it being you is extremely small (it's a highly populated area) my mind is spinning and obsessing. I hate this. It's silly in many ways but it's how my mind works. It doesn't help that I'm having a tough time and anticipating a tough conversation anyway. I just need to get home and check that there are no messages from you or a colleague cancelling my appt and then I can take my first deep breath all morning. Sigh.

What would you do if I just kept turning up? I know I wouldn't, it wouldn't be right or fair but then neither is this. Neither of us want to finish working with the other and yet it has to happen. I want to fight it but I don't want to hurt you, like I am hurting. Life sucks.