Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I'll drink to that

Got a good one for you. The one who breaches someone else's confidentiality thinks that they deserve confidentiality. Funny isn't it??

t,

im so tired of everything...i want to give up!! i wish i would just do it and stop thinking about it. thats all i ever do is think about it, fantasize about it....but i never do it. what am i waiting around for T??? i guess i dont want to hurt people. mainly you my mom and my sister. i dont want to make you guys suffer... so i feel trapped into living. i dunno, i dont wanna cry...im going to bed.

me

Dear uni therapist,

Love without trust is a painful thing.

Dear t,

Thanks so much for the blanket, you have no idea how much you thinking of that ment to me. Now if you would just make some type of physical contact so that I can think there is somebody that doesn't think I am a leper! I won't even ask for a hug, how about a silke touch on the shoulder or hold my hand when things are hard (I would probably pass out from shock though).
Also, I want so badly for you to make me tell you all about those secrets that you are trying so nicely to be gentle about. I know you are trying to be kind, but I have carried them alone for over 20 years and wish you would make me share everything and help me carry it. But I will wait because I can't do it myself even if I ask supposed to. I hope you realize that I will have to take this to my grave if I have to be the one to disclose and in my time. I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to.

When we were talking about hugging today, for the first time I visualised hugging you. It seemed like an ok thing to think. I don't think I necessarily want to hug you, but imagining it felt nice.

I am really nervous about my session tomorrow. Its going to be a really tough one with a lot of tears. Every bone in my body wants to run away from dealing with this. It does help me to know you will be there with me and help me deal with this. I still wish it didn't have to happen and then I wouldn't be in so much pain.

T,

Thanks for the extra session. I am going to try hard to take care of myself. Stop hating myself and be gentle with myself...

Me

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Dear T,
I wrote you another letter to give to you tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it though. I'm not sure if I'll give it to you at the beginning or the end, but it'll probably be the end. If I even give it to you and don't chicken out, that is. I'm really anxious about this letter, and I just want it to be time to see you already. But I also don't because then it'll be over. Last session went by so quickly, I thought we had 20 minutes left when it was time to end. I wish I could see you for longer than 45 minutes.

God damn I am on the ball, lately!

Dear T,

I'm so confused and just scared and insecure. I want so much to talk to you, but I don't want to be too needy or dependent. I'm just hurting and I can't make sense of it. I hate this... I feel so far away from you. I'm so sorry. I wish I could just make these feelings go away.

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T
I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you. I caan't keep doing this. Its all too hard,

t,

my feelings are gonna kill me
at least it feels like it

im so exhausted

me

I can't do this. I don't want to do this, yet I want to do this so badly but it's so painful.

Dear T
Thanks for today.
Sometimes, you are
Magic

Red xx

I'm so completely stressed out by the shittiness of the day. I would love to just have you listen while I vent right now.

t,

i havent been eating much at all lately...today i managed to eat something and i feel better... the sinking anxious awful feeling left.... im sure if you were here and i told you that you would roll your eyes and say DUHHHHHHH

me

(This is my first post in three months. It's strange to be back. I'm seeing my T again.)

Hey T, seeing you again is making my life a little rollercoaster again. The attachment is not completely gone. I don't want to be attached again, but I miss what we had. I miss having you as my go to person and I miss knowing you were always going to be there for me. That's not back after seeing you just once. That has to grow, again.

It won't be the same though. I've changed so much, I'm so much stronger now. I don't need you. But I do like to know that we're okay, that I can trust you again and that I can confide in you, no matter what. How can we make that happen?

Dear T

Tomorrow morning. I'm dreading it. What will you say? What did you think when you read my email? Why did this had to happen? What did I let you mean so much to me? I've never had that with a T or anyone. It's not helping me. I'm tired. Tired of everything.

Dear T,

The stuff I blurted out....I am sorry if it was hurtful or rude. I did not mean for it to sound so. The session was very emotional for me. And thank you for understanding and anticipating my hurt.

You may have fooled those people but you are no longer fooling me. They have their heads in the sand and can't bring themselves to admit they did a horrendous thing to me. I suppose you've been coaching them too on how to LIE!! Well it's not working.

You'd like to believe you're great and oh, so important. The truth is that you and your friend are miserable people inside trying to convince everyone around you how great you are.....all at MY EXPENSE.....You both have no conscience and I can't relate to anyone with no conscience. You are devoid of all feelings.

--------------------

Dear T,

If I really expressed myself as strongly as I wanted to in my earlier e-mail to you, I would've said

***** THE PROCESS. I must be a glutton for punishment... why else would I deliberately subject myself to a "process" of healing when half the time it feels like it might rip my heart right out of my chest in the "process".

Then again, I know I don't want to turn back now. Jeezus I hope you're for real when you say you're not going anywhere. When am I going to stop wondering when you're going to say you can't help me anymore? How many freakin' times does it take before I believe you for more than a day or two without a reminder? Gahh... How can healing hurt so good?

I think I figured out something. You know how I asked you that question about why I can't walk out of your office and not feel like I need you? Well you know what I realized today? It's more.... it's more.... that I need the me that I am when I am there.... the me that feels confident, and accepted, and understood, and well yes, loved. And, AND, I need to feel all of that stuff coming from ME.... I'm so sorry you're sick, t, but....not having a session today was a good thing.

T,

You don't care. I'm just in a box where you put all your patients.

You have a good time on festive seasons whereas I rather be working even.

I'll try to give you my one page apology letter detailing my insights and misunderstandings but I doubt you'll care. You'd want me to speak aloud so maybe I'll have to read from it and get interrupted by you.

I am a fool to have given you heartfelt letters and that stupid painting.

You don't really care - you just pretend to. In my scheduled time, because we are just jobs to you.