Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I feel like you are going to give me horrendous news in session today and I don't think I can handle it. I hope it's just my anxiety and thing will be fine and you'll be the same but this huge looming fear is that you aren't/won't.

Hi T,

''Limiting acceptance of potential long term clients during initial pregnancy might be in the best interest of both psychologist and client.''

It might had been better for me.

Dear T,
I cut tonight, and I'm not going to tell you about it. I feel like I can't trust to tell you because you'll tell my mom or send me to the hospital. I don't like feeling like this. I bet you don't trust me either, since I said I wouldn't cut. I'm sorry. I don't want to disappoint you or make you not trust me. But sometimes I just need to cut. I wish I could tell you.

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T
Not done with the book..... Is that okay????

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I'm in a really bad place right now. For some strange reason you think I'm working hard, but really I'm just canceling appointments because I can't stand the thought of confronting my deep hole of misery anymore. Please please please I just want us to be on the same page again; it would ease my misery, perhaps enough to push me back behind the edge.

You said *that* with real sadness. Why? Also the sadness about the snake...i didnt understand.

T,

Why are you so warm and caring? I don't deserve it.

Wow, talk about the s*** hitting the fan.

oh t. first i didn't want to come again until April. then when we talked about that recent dream i decided to take April off instead, but was still debating about it even though I let you schedule it. Now, work assigned overtime because of their screw up and they put me for a full day on Saturday!! Grr! No, now I want my session!! They better be able to change my overtime to Sunday instead....!

T,

Thought it was super funny that u put the makin bacon pancakes song on for the rest of our appointment. But now it's stuck in my head.

Me

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Yesterday I was so afraid to see you. Today I can't wait.

Hey t. I've started another poem to my h. How do i do this t, how?? I'm feeling so confused. I love him but i don't. I'm afraid to fail at marriage. I'm afraid of who i am. What gives??!!??!

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I PM'd you.

Dear T,
I'm kind of amazed that you actually essentially admitted today that you had countertransference for me. I'd sensed it, but didn't think you'd actually admit it, since you're more closed about that sort of thing. Sure you didn't use the word, but you said stuff about blurred boundaries and your emotions and feeling you needed to take a step back. And it helps that you used that to explain the weird session before your vacation where you acted distant and suggested hospitalization.

And how could you possibly think you haven't helped me? You've helped me immensely. I expect that kind of self-doubt from MC, but not from you! Though I think I'd have warmed up to you much earlier if I'd known you sometimes doubt yourself, too, and that you sometimes get too attached.

But thanks for sharing that stuff now.

Love (cause you know I love you, too, not just MC),
LT

Please get a tiny diving board for the sand tray. I would use it!!

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Dear T,
I thought you were going to call me last night. You said you would. But you didn't and that made me sad. I know I should have texted you to remind you, but you should have remembered too.

Why did I tell you so much? You don't really care. You pretend you do but I don't believe you right now. I feel like I'm betraying the only people that have a chance at loving me- if only I can be good enough- for you, who will never care about me. I feel so devastated. I'm so stupid. I'm so alone. I feel like you were making fun of me today and you were so far away- and I'm sure it's my fault, the phone, whatever. I'm pretty stupid and clueless so I'm sure I wasn't hearing you right and missing the "good" and hearing the confusing parts but still. I'm hurting so badly and you are away for so long and I didn't know it.

I wish you would own your feelings, too, instead of hiding behind the therapist role and therapist language. What I wrote last week made you really uncomfortable. I definitely understand that, but you won't say it. Why not?

Liar.

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Hi T,

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I don't want a session with you and replacement T. I want you as my T. I chose you! I didn't chose to get a replacement T for 5 months after more than a year of therapy with you. It wasn't my choice! This isn't what I signed up for!

I don't know what to talk about. Sure, there's probably a lot of stuff, but...

I got the results of the test I took yesterday. I did very well. Now I can take part in those exams in May. And if I pass those, then I can start college in August. You know how important this is for me. You know how much I want this (I don't really want to go to school. Or I do. It's a bit hard to know what I want because of what the anxiety makes me think and feel. But I want a life. And I need an education for that.).
If you wouldn't be leaving in a few weeks, I would have immediately send you an email to tell you about it. But I don't feel like telling you. What does it matter. You won't be there for me during my exams. You won't be there during my first few weeks of college.
And I also don't feel like starting to talk to replcement T because I don't know her, she doesn't know me. And the first weeks of college would be the last weeks with her. If you really do come back. And if I want you back. And if I haven't quit her before that.
And I will quit her if she isn't good/right for me. I won't waste any more time on bad/unfit T's anymore.

I wanted to curl up in your lap today, like a child. The love in your eyes was intoxicating, not in a romantic way I'm a loving mother to her child way. A way I've never seen from my own mother. It was hard to walk away from you today, so hard.

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I shouldn't have told you that thing now I feel unsafe again. I don't know what to do now. Also all that laughing and talking outside your door. Can you ask the people to not do it. It makes me think people could be listening at the door.

Dear T,
i've reached the end of the internet, NOW what am i going to do?!

I like you and you mean well but today really sucked.

Dear T,
apparently boredom can be dangerous. Or maybe it is just alcohol. It led me to cut some, mainly because...boredom? i am the lamest patient you've ever had, i know it.

Dear MC,
I hope you're OK, because you were apparently out today, too. I mean, T said you were OK when I asked, so I guess I should believe that. Hope your wife is, too...
And I think this is like the 6th time I've listened to "Winter" by Tori Amos tonight. It seems cliched, but it makes me think of you. Stupid transference...