Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Hello T,

I had a session with replacement T today. I thought I would see you to when I would be in the waiting room, but no. Maybe your session times are not the same? But while I was in session with replaceT, I heard you with other clients. And later with one client. The rooms are next to eachother and you know it is noisy. I heard you and whoever was with you talking. Loud. I couldn't really hear what you were saying, but I could hear your voices. And laughter. I heard you a few times laugh very loud. It sounded like you had ''fun'' with that other client. It hurt so much. Our sessions are usually serious. Therapy. I would like to have a little bit of fun once in a while. It actually would be good for me. I'm too serious in sessions. I feel like it should be only therapy. I know it's therapy, but... I don't know. I would like a casual chitchat sometimes. But it's hard for me to make small talk. Not only to you, but with most people. I can't be myself.

You must find/like that other client better than me. I'm boring. That why you talked about therapist in general and not about what you think, when we talked about that I was worried that you like other clients more than me. And that you don't know if therapists, so therapist in general, not you, have favorite clients. You talked/talk like that because you can't lie to me. But you also can't say the truth, because the truth wouldn't be good for me and my therapy/progress. So when we talk about me being worried about what you think of me, you use ''therapists in general'' and not ''I''. You have said that it isn't bad that I'm so quiet and then all clients are different, that's what makes my job so interesting.

And then about being loud today. You know the rooms are noisy. We have heard noise from outside and from people in the waiting room and you have said that you don't like it that the room is so noisy. Then why are you and that stupid client so loud? You know there're sessions in the room next to you. I don't know if you remembered I had a session around that time. Why didn't you took that into account?

- Feelings: sad. angry. disappointed. not important. unwanted.

It feels like everything you've said about me or our ''therapeutic relationship'' is a lie.

Thanks. That was a good session. We were probably both being a little tentative because of the break coming up (and the weirdness of you having no electricity!) but you didn't make me feel I was making too much of the paternal feelings you have, and you didn't seem freaked out by how important they had been to me.
And I asked your age - my guess was right!

I hope that you do have that cancellation tomorrow because I would really like to see you before you go away. I liked the lady that I saw today and I want to talk to you about it. Hoping to hear from you soon.

Dear university therapist,

I will try not to send you any emails, actually. I will try to distance myself from you. I wish I had an academic mentor who didn't mean so much to me, someone whose opinions I didn't care about. Someone who didn't make me feel so many things.

It hurts me to be away from you for three weeks. In fact, it hurts me that I can only see you once a week. How am I going to cope when you inevitably leave me?

Love should be a commitment. It isn't just something you say, and certainly not to someone you're prepared to walk away from once your time with them is "up". How can it be that easy for you? How can you call it "love" when I am of so little importance, at the end of the day?

I think it's time for me to shut down and pull back. I'm just not sure I can do it.

Because I love you. I don't want to, but I do. How can I make it stop?

Dear T,

Thank you for calling me every evening I have been in the hospital. Thank you for helping me build a plan for rest, peace and boundaries with others when I get home. Thank you for helping me feel comforted and cared for. Thank you for being the gentle voice of reason when I have complained about not getting to go home as I expected.

Thank you for saying, "I'm right here." And "I'm keeping you close."

Dear T,
I sent you a long text, but I think you go to bed early, so you probably won't get it till tomorrow. I'm not in a very good place right now, but I'll be OK. If I hit a place where I don't feel OK, I'll call you. I just really don't want to bother you. I know I was kind of a mess in session today, and I appreciate you bearing with me and being willing to walk in the courtyard like we did with MC. I feel like there's stuff I need to talk about, that I talked about a little, but I'm scared to really dig into it. The stuff with H tonight didn't help. I just feel like an incompetent mother and wife right now, mostly because of my anxiety and depression. But I don't think I feel badly enough to call you. Might end up doing that before Tuesday though.

Dear MC,
I hope you're OK and that neither of your potential emergencies ended up happening. I want you and your family to be OK, for you not to have to deal with sad or painful things, especially if they're involving your wife's health. I could be totally off base and it might have been stuff with clients. Either way, I wish I could both hold you and be held by you right now... Since I'm not in the greatest place after a sort of fight with H...

Clearly T, I shouldn't write "feel free to ignore this email" unless i really mean it, because i guess i didn't since i am slightly sad you didn't write back. In my logical mind, i know i didn't write anything that needed a response, i just felt so lousy i wanted to "connect" to you in some way. It is fine, and i'm sure you'll bring it up in our session, but this is WHY i dislike WANTING to connect to you. See. It brings expectations and disappointments and other gross feelings into the mix. I need to dial it back and let go of that stuff, because I dislike it greatly.

the imaginary session isnt as good as the real thing

Sent from my GT-S6500T using Tapatalk 2

My heart actually feels broken. Is that even possible?

Please contact me somehow to let me know about today. I know you are probably still waiting to hear about the cancellation and I know it is still early but it doesn't feel early to me because I have been up half the night. I have told too many people too many things in my search for a new T. I have tried to run and I can't even crawl yet and I am paying the price. My head is a mess and I feel physically ill. I really need you now before you disappear for three weeks. And I am scared you are going to get eaten by sharks even though I know it sounds ridiculous. Where are you T.

T,

When you called just now I was afraid you were going to cancel and I wouldinly have one session with you left. I'm afraid you would cancel while I don't want to see you. But I also want to see you. I'm weird. This is confusing.

But you wanted to re-schedule because you're daughter is ill and you want to be home with her tomorrow afternoon. Why not now? Why not the whole day tomorrow? In a few months you have two and you want to work full-time. And you boyfriend works too. Why keep having kids when you will dump them at day care every day?

But now I'll see you in a few hours. I'm not prepared. I haven't washed my hair yet. I don't know what to talk about. I feel low. I woke up with a headache and I still have it.
I still feel anger towards you. Disappointment.

I just don't know what to think about you. I wish I could read your mind so I would know how you honestly think about me and the "therapeutic relationship".

Dear T

Sometimes, like now, I feel so very grateful that you are my T.
Just sometimes, mind. Don't get complacent.

Thanks for today, I really appreciate you making the time for me. You seemed pleased but not too pleased about the new lady and you said that we can meet at least once and more if needed after you come back. Thanks for asking if you could give me a hug too. I have thought about it quite a lot in the past and recently thought I would say no if ever you did ask because it would be weird knowing I had to leave you but it was nice and there was no way I was saying no. If I didn't have to I don't think I would ever have let go. Thank you.

Hi T,

Today's session was... not that great. I was feeling low and tired and I didn't feel like talking. My mind was a bit numb/empty. And I really didn't felt like talking about things that are going to happen while you won't be there for support.

But the end if the session... You asked what I wanted to do for the last session. You said we could play a game. Or eat some pie because it is sort of a special occasion. We can do something totally different than we do in our usual sessions, because it's the last one. It's a temporarily goodbye.
I can decide what we do. I don't know what. It will feel weird for me. A few years ago we did some exposer therapy outside and it felt so strange to walk with you, my T, in a store. Like, I see you out of your natural habitat.

What do I want to do? I want you to say I'm your favorite client
I want a hug. I think. Now you're pregnant I don't feel comfortable to hug you. Though I don't know how I would feel when I would get a hug from normal you. Just once I want to know how it feels.

I want to feel comfortable and relax when I'm in session with you and you say something casual to me ( you sometimes do that at the beginning or end). I just cant do small talk. I hate that.

Can I give you a present for your baby? I saw you got a present, it was on your chair. A sort of teddy bear. I don't know how you feel about presents from clients. Or how other T feel about that. I never felt the need to give a T a gift. At our first termination I gave you a card. I think that's enough. I also have a card this time. But I like to give a small gift. A book, nothing expensive. Your other daughter can play with it now and in 6 months or something you new baby can also play with it.
I like books.
But I'm not sure yet. I don't want to get rejected.

Today's session was very good. We covered a lot of ground but I wasn't overwhelmed or spaced out except for one little bit. You seem to think I'll have a lot of trouble with you being gone for a week but I'm not sure where that's coming from. Thank you for lending me the book. Thank you for continuing to read and comment on my writing.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

Dear P-doc,
I feel like at first you really listened to me and seemed to think outside the box a bit, which is why I really liked you. Now you seem hung up on me just increasing the Zoloft, that it couldn't possibly be contributing to my agitation/anxiety, and still want me to go up on the Lamictal, even though you're saying you don't think I'm experiencing hypomania right now. And are attributing everything to anxiety and depression.

Yet you seem to be talking about regular mania, which I don't have, not hypomania. I hate that instead of trying to think of something else, you're just having me increase those, then saying I could take Benadryl for sleep or anxiety. And melatonin. I hate that you refuse to prescribe me any benzos, even though I've taken them very responsibly and very sparingly in the past (as prescribed by another p-doc in the same practice), because of the fact that I drink alcohol. I wish you could trust me that I wouldn't take them at the same time as drinking.

I tried the propanolol, but as I told you, it helps a little while leaving me feeling kinda sick and shaky, and then gives me a horrible headache the rest of the day. Buspar didn't help much and gave me a continous headache. Benadryl leaves me feeling fuzzy. I think maybe the Zoloft just isn't working anymore. It would be nice if you could either consider that maybe this is bipolar II, that maybe I need to be on something else other than an SSRI (or SNRIs, which were nightmares for me).

I feel really bad saying this, but I feel like I've done worse in the past year since I started seeing you, which may have been due to other stuff, too, but I don't know. I really want to like you--you seem earnest and you clearly care--but I almost want to go back to my previous p-doc, who wasn't so overly concerned with things like my drinking, etc. OK, the person I really want to go back to was before I joined your practice, the one who did things like send me for bloodwork to seem if maybe a deficiency or thyroid issue was causing my symptoms.
But I feel like if I say any of this to you, it will either seem like I'm just drug seeking or that I'm noncompliant or need to be inpatient or in a day program or just can't accept that it's straight up anxiety and depression, and the drugs that say they'll work for that will work for me, even though my body is generally very sensitive to meds.

So...yeah, all that.

I always believed there were more good people in the world than bad - until you and others nearly destroyed me. Now I see that it is really the opposite. There are more cruel people than good. They just hide behind a mask.

I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. Why does this always happen? Why is getting help always so difficult? It feels like A all over again. I've no idea how I'm going to be able to respond to your email or what I'm going to say. I'm hoping that once my feelings have settled down in a day or two it will seem easier and less hopeless.

Yea I will miss you when you're gone. But I've survived 11 weeks without you. I'll try to get through the next 6 weeks without you. Good thing is I have other support now and a lot f things to keep me busy.

I wish you would contact me sometime this weekend, asking how I'm doing, like you usually do. I've learned to greatly appreciate those messages. It's nice to have someone that cares about me. But I know you won't, because you're with your family..(I want you to have that family time.) But it still hurts because I'm just your job and those messages were just apart of it. This weekend is hard for me, memory wise and I feel so alone.

T,

My feelings about you changes from positive to anger/pain/sadness and back. It goes back and forward. Not seeing you for 5 months, no contact at all for 5 months, I don't know how I can do that without becoming more depressed again. The pain... There would be a day when I would have to say goodbye to you, but I thought it would be when I was ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready at all.

I need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. Not rational therapeutic words. Right now I need some human compassion.

Dear T,
I'm making something that I was intending to give to you as part of your birthday present in a little over a month, but I'm so excited about it that I think I'll give it to you on Monday. You better like it! Just kidding. Kinda.

Dear T,

You work in a low/no fee center. Our days are numbered - were numbered from the day we met - by time and circumstance. I keep hoping you won't get any better job offers, but I know that's a foolish illusion, a false hope.

We've been through so much together, you and I; most of it you never knew about. The day I found out you were a Christian (Google...), I was furious. How dare you, my LGBTQ-friendly counsellor, be one of THEM? I saw it as a betrayal, at first. But I've grown accustomed to it, and have even rethought some of my long-held beliefs. I thank you for that.

The day I asked you to be there for the journey, do you remember that? It was the day I showed you my list of things that I've felt guilty for over the years. You seemed happy that I was finally asking you to be my ally. "Yes... capital Y.E.S." Thank you for that, too. That yes meant more than you could ever know.

Thank you... for everything. For understanding. For just being there. For not giving up on me. For working with me. Thank you for being you.

I'll be the first to admit I have... trust issues. My brain doesn't understand that you aren't going to hurt me. It takes your "what-if" questions and interprets them as if they really happened. It's been interesting, trying to gain/maintain trust when my brain is screaming at me to run, run as fast as I can. Especially when I also desperately want to be closer to you, to feel safe. I want to believe you won't hurt me, and yet, I can't.

Today I told you I was previously diagnosed as borderline. That was a difficult conversation to start with you. You already knew - that's ok, I had about a ninety percent confidence estimate that you did. You asked me why I didn't like talking about it, and I told you it was because of the stigma associated with it. That's true - especially, sadly, within the psychology community. I can understand why that stigma exists, but, well, it still hurts.

I also told you about how, when the psychologist diagnosed me, he immediately dismissed me as not important, not worth his time. I'm scared because I don't want you to shut me down, shut me out, like he did. I hope, dear T, that you heard what I couldn't say to you today. Please.

Today you also told me your colleague left, to start her own private practice. I hope, when you leave, that's why you leave. Maybe I could come with you. Maybe I could keep you as my therapist, then. I wouldn't be able to afford more than an hour or two a month. But it would be better than you going somewhere I couldn't follow... Assuming you would still want me as a client, when you have an option and I wasn't just assigned randomly to you by someone.

You're good enough to have your own practice, you know. I want that for you one day. But... not today, not soon. Not while I'm your client, working fifty five hours a week and still unable to pay you what you deserve. I'm being selfish, I know. But... I don't feel bad about it. I don't NEED you, any more than I NEED any other one particular person. But I still need you.

Please don't leave me.