Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

He ruined my life along with this other woman. He dumped me for her. I can't figure it out. Makes no sense to me or anyone else in the profession. He may not be a real therapist after all. No one in the field would ever hurt me like he did.

Some times I can't convey adequately the importance of something...it always seems to come out as trivial..what do I do?

When YOU needed help, you were treated with kindness, compassion and love. When I needed help, you treated me with arrogance, indifference and cruelty. How quickly you forget.

A little kindness and humility would have gone a long way.

You've become a part of me. I know it's all me so don't worry about that. But i need to find my Self apart from you, don't you see that? I mean as that one-in-herself thing like in the book. Ah now you see....

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I don't want you to leave me. I don't want to start again with someone else. I like you. I started to trust you. I feel like I want to fight the system but I don't want to cause you trouble. I don't want to meet this lady tomorrow on my own, I am scared. I need to ask her some important questions about whether she will be able to cope with the kind of work we agreed that I need to do but I know I won't be able to ask. I have written them down but I don't know if I will be able to give them to her. I just really don't want you to leave me.

Hey T, last appt for a couple of weeks coming up. I feel a weird pressure to make the most of it. Not sure how much to tell you about my feelings about the paternal feelings thing. I'm worried you could say something that might unsettle me right before a break. 'Twould not be good.

Dear MC,
You took your glasses. off for the whole session--it's been a little while since you'd done that. It seems like you do that more when we're discussing something particularly intense, but you did it right at the beginning. I noticed a bit of sadness in there--I hope it's not related to one of the two "potential emergencies" that you mentioned when you had to check your phone when you got a call. When I told you I hoped none of the emergencies happened (and you thanked me), pretty sure you understood that what I was thinking was that I hoped one didn't involve your wife...

And when you realized you'd messed up and given our slot to someone else by mistake next week,and that it would be hard for us to reschedule due to spring break...it really meant a lot to me when you called the guy while we were sitting there and asked if he could switch (and he could). I'm sure that's probably breaking some therapy rule--especially calling while we were sitting there--but it made me feel important to you. Which is a good feeling.

But yeah, I hope everything's OK in your personal life...

My mother kicked me out. I'm relieved that i'm going to my safe place. You won't kick me out, will you?

Dear T,
I know I wrote you an e-mail tonight, but really I wanted to tell you, I AM NOT OK. I can't tell you that, though. I am being melodramatic, and hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and feel better. Exhaustion is terrible and makes everything feel worse, I know.

I am sick of feeling like this, but see no way out.

t, this book is so awesome!! i relate so much to it! and i recognize myself and you in "the selene / endymion situation" especially in the author's explanation of "Seeing the other person in the magical light of who we may become through knowing them." This is way powerful stuff, t.

i want to do what you do.

I am so hurt. You have been there as my therapist for years for so much of my life and you have really helped me. I wish I had more time with you. I wish this didn't have to happen. I don't know how to go on without you. I honestly never thought the person (you) who made me feel so good, could make me feel this sad and hurt.

I just wanted you to tell me what it meant. You never tell me anything. I am getting so tired of it all.

Thank you for emailing me back and thank you for saying just what I needed to hear. I will have you in my mind when I see this new lady. I hope that she is the right one but I still wish it could have been you.

Am looking forward to Saturday and hearing your thoughts about the nightmare and the dream where your house is up on the top of a wall made of stones.

P.s. you're never going to tell me I'm done, are you. I'm the one has to decide that. I'm the one in charge of this. I'm the one has to find back my "one-in-myself" thing. It's all me - it's not up to you. Or h. Or my FOO. It's all me!!

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AND I DON'T WANT THAT RESPONSIBILITY!! yes i do no i don't yes i do.

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YES I DO!

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Dear T,
Thanks for the hug. I realized something about myself around these hugs and why I stopped asking for a while, we'll have to discuss that sometime but in the meantime, I'm so happy how happy you are to give one. You were practically beaming when I asked. That feels so good.

T,

I'm feeling low. My mood, it's going down again. Your upcoming leave... I cant stop thinking about it. I think that's why I didn't had anxious feelings when I went to see replacement T without you. I'm worried about having to continue without you while I'm not ready for that yet. I don't have much room to worry about the session with replacement T.

I'm feeling angry. I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want to go to our session on Friday. It hurts. It hurts too much. You leaving me. I thought I would have your support during the next months. But no. I'm not important. I'm nothing. I'm work. I might quit at this practise. I might quit T's all together. I just cant have more T's messing me up. That one year in that intensive therapy programm... It made me feel worse than I had ever felt. And you're the only good T I have seen and you cause me also much hurt.

I don't want to do this anymore. I cant. It will be the end of me one day. It's better to not see any T's again. I should look for some other kind of help.

The care you showed me last session has left me feeling scared. Scared that you will tell me I misunderstood, and you don't actually care.

Dear T,
I just want you to know how grateful I am for you and everything you do for me. I love you so much! And I miss you always. I could see you seven days a week and it still wouldn't be enough.

Thank you for putting me back in touch with my compassionate side...I lost it somewhere in the bitterness of battling with my dad and that is what has made me so uneasy about the current state of my relationship with him.

You are a good, good man.

T1 I don't want to talk to you but things are weird.... I can't stand the weirdness

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I just want to hate you but it ends up being a weird feeling I have never felt before.

Managed to talk to the lady I saw yesterday but it wasn't the part of me talking that needed to. I switched like I did with the last one because inner me had already decided this wasn't going to work so it didn't matter if I talked to her because I wouldn't be going back. Hope that makes sense to you, most things seem to even though they sound ridiculous to me. Here's hoping for today, made easier because you said you would be thinking of me. Miss you.

Would you rather have been watching the cricket? I didn't feel acknowledged at all last session.