Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I do hope your T will answer it in a healing manner. Look back on your past with her, she cares about you.

Dear T

I really need a hug

I know . she truly does. I can't imagine there is a better one anywhere.

Dear Ex-T,
It's going to be a year soon, since you passed. I still think of you often, especially when I need to talk to someone about the BS at work. You were always able to help me put things in perspective. Current T can do that too, but she doesn't "know" these people like you did. I miss you and I miss our sessions. I have so much "crazy" stuff going on outside of work too that I want to tell you about. I think you would have a better idea of how that issue works.
I just wanted to tell you that. Thanks.

hey T so,

im terribly sorry i scared you with that text i sent. i meant i was going to take those pills to go to sleep but when i saw u calling immediately after i sent i thought oh no he thinks im ODing. i said hello and the first thing u said in some hasty voice was HOW MANY DID U TAKE. umm, i feel so bad about that... really embarrassed. i apologized to you and said i didnt mean it like that and im sorry i scared you. you said its ok .. but also, t, if i were to do that, i wouldnt text u some vague suicide note. cuz i know the police would be at my door in no time flat. (seems like thats happened before...hmmmmmmm.....) anyway T, you told me to tell u how i am when i wake up so i did, i texted you and reported my night... worst akathisia of my life, nightmare abt my cat dying by peeing and bleeding all over me...but that when i woke up the voices were gone. its been 30 min and they still havent said anything. i am so relieved. i wonder where they go...are they always there? watching and listening and waiting? waiting to interject into my life again???

me

I see you in 1.5 hour, I'm scared, your going to ask for me to go IP.

"We will get through this together" - That sentence helped so much, I cannot even begin to say how much those 6 words meant.

Worried about our session today, know I should bring this thing up because you would want me to but it is so awkward and weird... And I don't want it to change the way you behave, I don't want to make you self conscious around me.

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Somethings happening to me and I don't understand what. Its all spinning out of control, but in such a calm quiet way no one is noticing and I can't seem to stop it. I'm nine-ing it, and have no one to tell. I wish I understood why i sacked you, and why Im not coming back. I never wanted to stop seeing you. I don't understand. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

dear T



Red xxx

Thanks for trusting me.

T,
I am very broken and the pieces are scattered everywhere. I need a hug. I want you here with me. I want you to wipe the tears away and tell me everything will be ok.

t,

do u secretly hate me and wish i would go away.... do u despise me and roll ur eyes when i cross ur mind??? do you feel like you cant tell me to **** off because how long we've been working together so u just grit ur teeth and still do this with me?? or am i just being paranoid,,.... i would text and ask but i think you hate me so umm, nah. ill just sit here and ruminate over all of it til i go nuts

me

How often I also feel like this, is awful. Hugs.

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Dear T,

Our appt is tonight and I'm wondering if I'm the last appt. I makes me happy to be last as our appt will stretch long beyond the hour. I feel catharsis the moment my car pulls into the parking lot. Sometimes I've mused that I could stop seeing you and just park in the lot a couple times a week. But I also hate that I feel that way. I hate that I miss you and I hate how much I look forward to our appts. I hate that I need you, that I'm growing more vulnerable. I'm scared. Why does it have to be this way to do good work? You know feel stuff.

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In Advance:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. you should have never trusted me. I'm sorry. Don't hate me for this.


MM

T...I'm still pissed and can't wait to tell you tomorrow.

Well T, i sent you that email, and now you'll see how awful i am. there is no denying it.

that is awesome that you trust your T enough to tell him/her how pissed you are at them!

Do you know that when I see a new book on your desk that has to do with me I buy it? I don't read them, I can't. Too close to home. I want to one day, but I still buy them.

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Thanks again t for the piece of palo santo. That was totally cool, and totally unexpected!!

dear t,

just sent you an email asking if you know how painful it is to need your support so much but also know you dont need me at all. worried about our session on sunday, what youll say to me. how awkward and embarrassed im gonna feel that i told you all of that....all that stuff about how i see how much u love the twins and it BREAKS my heart but i try to hide it. im not sure wtf is going to happen.. why is transference so painful and... do you know what its like??? do you?? have you ever felt this way?? sometimes i think you havent, actually most of the time. not sure if you know how deeply attached to you i am and how much that scares me, how much i hate myself for it, how vulnerable i feel and needy and stupid and crazy. that im just wrong..some disgusting leech. so ya see ya sunday!!!

me

dear t,

You asked me today after I told you how my son sat and talked to me the other night, what is my intention for being there today? what am I there to talk about? and I sorta tilted my head and said I don't know. And you said something like it isn't all love and light, wish i'd asked what the heck you meant by that, but I didn't, I was really tired and just wanted to BE there, is that so wrong? Well anyway that's why I agreed about doing another sand tray. I said a couple of things that were kinda big realizations when it comes right down to it, that the cliff that the white horse stopped at wasn't meant to be an end, but like I said, a taking off point; me 'taking off' from therapy perhaps? Is that what you're trying to show me by continuing to ask what brings me there any given day? If I keep coming there but don't have a particular reason to, does that start to mean I don't need to be there anymore? I wanted to just be in that room today, more so even than I wanted to see you, I just wanted to be in that space, that is so warm and calming, after having to be so extroverted at work today.

We're not meeting next week, so I'll have plenty of time to think about this, and then next time when I come, I hope you ask that question again, (if you don't I'll ask you to ask it!) because I will answer it by saying "I am here to talk about not needing to come here anymore."

And I'm not even torturing myself with these thoughts anymore. Meaning, it's NOT torture. Coming weekly for a bit again has fast-forwarded another big chunk of work. And I'm feeling like we need to have that talk. It's feeling right. I'm separating from you for reals.

Because I know now it's not so much YOU that I need, it's like I told you recently - it's the me that I am when I'm there that I need, and I'm more and more letting myself be that me. Well, with the exception of the stuff with my son. But **** happens, right t? I've worked through all of that though.

me

Dear T,

As I sit in the waiting room, waiting for you to come out to get me, I know you will have a happy smile for me. Thanks for this! Your smile is genuine I think. Your smile reaches to your eyes. It is a sweet smile; a gentle smile. T, you are about the coolest person I know. Please don't ever stop smiling at me. It is nice to be welcomed this way.

oh t, i do want to do more energy work while i'm still coming there. your feeling about that today was right. let's talk about all of this in 2 weeks when I come back okay?