Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I hear you, understand you, and agree with you: one person at a time.

Thank you for the interview.

... So many Plastic People...

T,

When I think abot you, therapy, your big fat belly, this sick feeling goes through my body. I start thinking more. I get sad. Angry. More angry and hateful. Bitter. Hurt. Alone. Not important.

You know, I think I shouldn't have to pay full price now. Or for the sessions of the past months. There's another person (sort of) in MY therapy. Unwanted. Un-asked for. How can you have your full attention on me? If that being in there moves or whatever it does, then automatically your attention goes to that for a few seconds or longer. That's how it works with me. If I feel something, pain or tickles, then my thoughts go there for a few seconds/thoughts. For a short moment I'm distracted. It probably has happen with you before this all, but then it wasn't noticeable for me. Now I can see it. It's right there in front of me. It can't be missed. I'm thinking about it during session. Does she think about it. Last session I tried to avoid looking at you, but I had to a few time. I tried to only look at your face, but all of you can't be missed from my view. And I saw your hand go to your belly. Laid there. Moved a bit.
It made me sick. Unwanted. Like you rather have the session over with, so you can be alone with IT.

It's so unfair. I didn't asked for this. I didn't want this. I didn't chose this when I agreed to move with you to your new workplace.

From now one, the first question I'll ask a new T is if she can be 99% sure she isn't planning to get pregnant in the next 1-2 years. I don't want anyone under 30, but even people in their 40s still get babies.

This all isn't good for me. It's taking over my therapy. I'm not in therapy for that. I;m having exams in two months. You won't be there for me. I've difficulty concentrating. You won't be there when college starts. I haven't been to a real school in over three years. And the last few years of my school didn't went good at all. You know that.

Why didn't I stop when I could. When I was doubtfull you had enough experiences with clients with such strong si. But no, I stayed. And now I'm paying the price for it. I will always be stupid.

Dear T
I feel the need for contact with you, cos I didn't see you this week. I feel like things are moving for me, big changes that look so small from the outside...
I can feel that you are not part of them. I want to bring you in, cos I am feeling resentful of you and shutting you out and I don't want to do that. You got me here.

This one goes out to you, T

t,

i know your mom died when you were in ur 20s. i think i remember one time you said you would think about when your dad's gonna die. i cant remember if you said you used to or not... if you did say you used to... did you stop? how? im having a really hard time obsessing about my mom dying... my dad died 19 years ago so hes gone forever. when my mom dies what will happen to me?>? i wont have a mom or dad. im only 28 i dont want to be alone with no mom. it makes me so sad....i cant stop the thoughts from coming into my head and messing with my emotions. its like im already greiving her death and shes not dead shes in the same room with me. plz tell me how to make the intrustive thoughts stop or at least learn how to accept death and feel at peace with it... or is that even POSSIBLE

sad me

On the Shore

I was worried about the end of our time together.
You said, "We won't have an ending relationship".

I can't tell you how much that meant to me.
I know you won't say it again.
I understand why.

Now I want to know what that means exactly.
Guess I'll find out when the time comes.

I want to see you NOW

It's not fair!

Oh yes, and I'm cross with you btw
But I can't wait to see you
And I love you
But I don't like you anymore
And I want you to be my T forever and ever.

Dear Ex T

I started the complaints process today. Let them figure out if you are harmful or not. I know you harmed me.

Dear MC,
It was nice to have a fairly laid-back session today after the panicky and emotional session Friday. Still helpful, just more relaxed. And it was nice just chatting with you about basketball for the last 10 minutes or so. I'm happy for you that your alma mater is finally in the tournament--normally I'd root for your team (since neither of my schools made it in), but with all the scandal going on with them, I don't feel like I can. Though you seemed conflicted, too.

The big question though is: Do I trust your advice for my bracket or not?

Dear T,
I feel like a total slacker... You tell me that I'm making progress, that I've made much progress already, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough because whatever I'm doing in regards to my mental health doesn't feel like "real hard work", so... well, I guess that's why I feel like I'm goofing off somehow. I keep thinking that if I made more of an effort, I would be "normal", "sane", "fixed" already. But you say that we can't push too hard with certain things. I know you're not lying or misleading me, I certainly know you don't. Argh, why can't I have a magic wand to make my brain "okay", whatever that means.

Dear Ex-T,

I want to write to you even though I suspect it's out of line and inappropriate but whatever. I just don't care anymore. It has been almost a year since I've seen you and I've gone through a lot of feelings and changes since then that I want to explore and resolve here. I'm starting to reflect on our therapy relationship and I'm feeling let down, T. I really believe I was taken advantage of and that my level of vulnerability demanded a more cautious and experienced professional response. I don't think you maliciously set out to hurt me, but you did hurt me and the end result is still the same. I'm hurt.

One thing I appreciated about you was that you always appeared to be open to my observations about you, even though much of it seemed to be more of a projection on my part than anything else. Still, you were willing to explore my concerns even if it may have been uncomfortable for you. So yeah, I appreciate that about you and like I said, I don't think you intentionally set out to harm me. Nonetheless, we must be honest here in that I did end up in the psych ward twice during the end of our therapy and that was not a coincidence in my opinion. Something went very wrong. I had a strong transference going on during our therapy that really impacted me and I suspect I wasn't alone in this issue. I know I never really directly confronted these feelings with you and that is my fault but I didn't know how. I needed help - some guidance and direction. That was your role, not mine.

And when I progressed downhill, de compensating and grasping for any shred of reality I could find, I needed you to be there. But you weren't. I feel like you set up the environment for the transference to take hold and then you just watched it happen from the sidelines while I squirmed and shook in front of you. You just sat there and observed. Hopefully you didn't feel pleased by my adoration but I worry that you did and that it fed your ego. That my need to feel important really reflected your own deep need to be important and that I suspended my needs, once again, in favor of pleasing you. I needed you to really care about me but therapy is set up to feign care all the while the necessary boundaries of the relationship prohibit actual caring. So it is once again just out of reach.

Re-traumatizing.

A few days ago I had a moment where I felt like me again. It took nearly a full year of my life but I recognized myself in the mirror and felt a steady internal presence that has been like jello since I was hospitalized. I needed you, T. You were just my therapist but you were important to me and I feel very let down by the way our therapy played out in end. Where were you? Did you ever question your role in my de compensation? Do you see me as a crazy mess or do you wonder where you went wrong? Well, where "we" went wrong seeing as this was a joint partnership and I was not alone in that room. Of course, neither were you. This was something that happened in a "relationship" of two. So I see it as something that occurred with both of us contributing. Question is what did you contribute, T? That is something I feel like you kept hidden from me, as though you were only there to observe. I'm reaching for an answer. An explanation for what your contribution was and to hold you accountable for your piece in the whole thing. Because it's just not fair to be alone in this after two years of interaction...after all that it's like I'm left holding the bag.

Alone.

Yeah, so it was two years and maybe that's a "long haul" to you and I should've worked through everything by then but you know what? I wasn't there yet. I thought I was "unique" and that it takes as long as it takes, no? Yet, I was left holding the bag in the end. You waltzed out and I was left to deal with my feelings all by myself. Ironically, the same way that I had to do so as a child. Completely re-traumatizing. I don't know what I want you to say or do as nothing can really change the way things turned out for me. All I can do is go to therapy to process it as another trauma that I have to work through - like the trauma I hoped to work through with you.

Thank you for listening.
Freewilled

T
Are you doing these things deliberately or am I reading too much into innocent remarks again...

I don't want to see you tomorrow. Seeing you means facing this ongoing rupture and I don't want to do that. I would rather hide from it. How can we resolve this? I'm not sure you even understand it.

I think I finally know how I'll know when I'm done. When I can finally see myself the way you see me. That will be quite a day, my dear t.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

t,

you started off talking about my eating disorder behaviors and i let us talk about that for a bit but then i said can we talk about something else!!!!! so i brought up the death stuff. you said you DO think about your dad dying. i know its not an easy question to answer- how does one accept death?? you gave me some tips. i think the biggest one was that i have all my eggs in one basket, or two really, you and my mom. you said right? and i said yes. you said most people my age are looking for a partner. UMM WHAT i dont want a partner!!! YOU KNOW THAT!!! i am not even remotely ready for that. i dunno, T, i know i am isolated and need friends. but how?? how do u make new friends when ur almost 30 and dont go to bars and drink?? idk what i am even going with this i just... i just wish i wasnt me

but i am
..
me

It happened again. Everything makes more sense. I feel better. I can work through the exhaustion. I can't work through feeling like a failure and I'm not in control of me. Like I'm weak. Not strong enough. When both of these things are a failure at living life normally one is a strength to me and the other is a weakness. I don't want to talk about this today. I should but I don't want to. If you ask I will. I hate everything surrounding all of this.

I am reluctant, I really am. I'm starting to feel like I can't even pay somebody to try and understand things from my perspective - what does that say about me? I just want to forget all about it. All of it. Things at home are reaching breaking point and nobody's coping well, but I can't even talk to you about that tomorrow because we're stuck in this weird place. This idiotic scenario where I want you to understand something that is clearly not understandable. Are you tired of working with me yet? I am good at being logical, I am good at being sensible, but I am not good with my own emotions. They are weird and wrong, and you don't get them any more than anyone else does, any more than I do, so shall we save ourselves the bother and just call the whole thing off?

Are you out there? Did you forget about me? I'm sorry I was mad at you.

Hi T,

I think I am getting good at "fake-it-til-you-make-it". But, T, I should not have to play that when I am with you. And I know you do not expect it. I think you understand. It's hard being me.

Dear T,

I will carry you around with me, always.

Dear T,
Thanks for saying you miss me too

t,

i wish i could talk to u right now. guess ill talk to my cat, but whisper, cause my roommate is asleep. just um... ya. i wish it was you.

me

Dear T,

I'm feeling nervous about having a session with just replacement T. I don't want to. I know in just a few weeks all my sessions will be with her, because you're leaving me. (I still feel anger about that.)
A few more minutes.

You'r at a wedding today. I'm curious how you look. I bet you look beautiful. Last summer you wore a beautiful dress once and you looked stunning.

Two weeks and you're gone. Can I be the sleeping beauty (or actually the sleeping ugly) when you're on leave?