Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

This isn't working, I miss old T.

You don't sleep because you're guilty. Too bad you didn't do the right thing by me. Life has a way of turning the tables, eventually.

Next new T,

I don't want you, or pdoc or meds or bp. I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend if I have a nice predictable life I'll be fine. I want "Ana" back! I want my spotless house back. The meds made me apathetic and fat. I don't appreciate it. I want to work. I want the buzz of a fast paced life. I want all the things that "you" (MH team) take away. I don't want to be a wife or mother. I don't care if those things get taken from me. I'll live in the darkness of depression. I don't care. I want me back, delusions and all. But instead I'll take the stupid meds as my husband hands them to me like a good little wife because no one wants me to be me and I'll see you in a couple of weeks secretly hating you and everyone else in my life for forcing "what's best" on to me.

I wish I could be that for you. I keep thinking about the end of therapy but it's so far away I shouldn't. I'd bring it up to you but you would tell me it's in the future let's not think about it right now. But I know you are because of what you said. How will it work? Why am I special to you? Maybe I'll never understand. I want to be closer than I am but at the same time I know I'm in the same circle as your own children with what you tell them and in fact may be more in the loop. I wish for those casual days but I also don't want to give up what we have now and it won't be the same one way or another. I don't know what I'm trying to say except I'm glad you're my T and we have this special bond.

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I know what I need to do to make myself feel better. Put all the boxes back on the shelf and run away from myself, go back to how it was. But that isn't getting to the route of the problem is it? That is what I have always done, run away and try to hide from it. Well not this time. This time it is going to hurt and it is going to be seen.

Where can I find an honest person these days?

Why won't you touch me anymore? What did I do to make you love me less? It hurts.

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Dear T,
I felt like I failed that last session. I just couldn't cry it out. I wish I was more open about expressing my emotions, I'm sorry. And now I'm sitting here worried about what you think of me, which is not where my head needs to be, I know. I just want to be the 'A' student. and yesterday was a B- session.

Dear Pdoc,

That was the last time. I will miss you. Even though our appt are short, it was always good to see you. Your smile <3
I acted like I was just fine with it, but I will really miss seeing you.

Thank you for being my pdoc. Thank you for being a good pdoc. I don't think you know how terrible some of my previous T's were, what experiences I had with them. It really meant a lot to me, you being a good pdoc. You have been my second positive experience with a T. And that while I had to do with about 25 different kind if T's.

I wish I could have told you this.

t,

you were mad, but not at me, at my mom. for giving me the pain pills which is what started all this. you said it infuriated you. you said it is heartbreaking. you stared out the window a lot. your face was so serious.

why arent you that mad at me? i was the one who stole them afterwards and didnt tell anyone.

i feel pretty torn up today after seeing you...

im sorry this happened at all

me

You said you would be thinking of me. That meant a lot. I wonder if you have been. I hope you will be thinking of me tomorrow, even though you don't know what is going to be happening. I hope you are having a fantastic holiday but I also hope you are staying away from all deadly animals.

t,

i texted you to ask if things are ok between us and if you were really that mad at me...
you said things are ok between us and that you are just glad i am ok.

honestly, i think you should be mad at me and it is ok if you are. for real.

i hope to move past this and learn from it T. i hope i can earn your trust again... im sorry i essentially lied to you for this long. i feel extremely bad about it. all of it.

i am so sorry to you, to everyone i was lying to , even myself.

just...um..yeah...

i dunno

me

I've had a really bad several days and yes I think it's because you're gone. You were too optimistic, I cannot handle this, I am drowning in it.

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I want you to understand I don't always drive the bus....

I don't want to tell you about it because it sounds needy and wrong and it's dumb. Why can't I just forget about it. Why can't I just push it aside. It feels heavy. I feel sad. I think about 'if' and I feel sadder. It won't leave. The thoughts won't leave. I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to talk about it again. There is too much inside. It's noisy and complicated and it was getting better and in some ways I guess it has but right now it doesn't feel like that is the case.

Help me.

We really got somewhere today. Such a lot to think about. I do wonder about preverbal trauma. How do we find out?

Sorry I didn't talk. Awkward much?

I needed that. The space is fab. And the dogsheep are just.... *speechless* They're amazing. And wasn't the sun just the icing on the cake?! With the mountain climbing asthma high on top - I just couldn't. I needed to just enjoy being there. Do you know how long its been since I enjoyed anything? And no offence, but your job typically does not bring me much in the way of enjoyment. And we are on such rocky ground. And of course I didn't know what to say, and I know we're gonna have to have *that* conversation and I can't (and don't want to) avoid it forever. But yesterday - it was what I needed it to be.

Dogsheep!

Dear uni therapist,

I have managed to not email you at all for almost three weeks. The first week was a bit hard, but it has mostly been okay. I had a couple of days in there where I thought that maybe I should just quit now, just not show up anymore, because I seem to be coping without seeing you every week. But I felt really awful for even having that thought. It wouldn't be fair to you. Then again, I'm not sure our relationship is fair to me, because I'll probably be right back where I was after I see you again, not being able to imagine my life without you in it. You keep saying that I'm precious to you, but am I really?

I shall see you in less than two days, anyway, with my daily journal that you asked me to write about the role I play in my family. I'm sure that'll be interesting for you to read, hah.

I want you to hear what I am not saying.

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Is it too much for you to say, "How are you now?" "Are you feeling better?" Makes me feel like I'm just a bother. Not sure why how you responded to me changed but it did. I wish I knew why. Doesn't bother me. Maybe it does. Not sure. I don't want to go anymore.

PS. I really wish we could just sit on your couch at home watch tv sitting in blankets and just be. Or you could brush my hair and read me a story before bed. I'm an adult and it's ridiculous I feel this way. I'm supposed to be weaning myself from you - that isn't going very well, obviously.

You have no conscience. You are a narcissist, only out for yourself. Looking to make money off of a client's pain. You dumped me for a prettier client. You prefer to gossip and flirt during session rather than helping a client. Who ever heard of a T so self-centered? You are some low-life.

Sorry I didn't say good bye at the end of our session and sorry I keep looking at your chest (new discovery, I like chests)

How do you feel after lying? It doesn't affect you much does it? I know you've lied to many people. Is it just second nature to you? HOw do you keep track of who you told what to?

I know you lied about having a step-mom just to pretend to bond with a girl. It went like this, you have a step-mom? So do I. You have a blankety blank? So do I. We have so much in common. Ha, ha. You lived with that lie for how long ? Didn't phase you one bit. There were plenty more lies than where that came from. Does anyone believe a word you say? You have no credibility.

T,
I hate that we have to go so long in between sessions. I miss you so much. Do you ever think of me between sessions? Do you worry about me, wonder about me? Or do you leave all your work behind at the office and lead your normal life?
I hope you're well. I love you.