Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Why do you keep commenting that we have so much in common and if I only knew I might be surprised? Is that a cue for me to ask to know more? I'm trying to respect boundaries which is hard because I'm so needy with regards to you right now. But when you say stuff like that I feel really awkward not following up and asking for more...in a normal conversation, that is an invitation to ask for more.

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loveyouhateyouloveyouhateyouloveyouhateyouloveyou

I had this fantasy al this week that you would call and say there was a cancellation when you really just stayed back late for me....but thats all it was, a fantasy a stupid dream that will never come true.

I hope you have a safe flight. I think the one we talked about might just be the one. She will never be you, but she is accepting of it all and said that I might be angry about the fact that she isn't you. Not sure we will get to anger soon, though everyone keeps talking about it. Kind of makes me want to get angry that you all want me to be angry but I dont, I just find it weird. Maybe a topic for her next week. She makes me smile and I don't know why, its uncontrollable and I am not sure if I like it or not. Oh well. Have a good day.

Well t i picked a hell of a time to take a break. My son saying he needs therapy has thrown me a loop you aren't aware of. I am navigating this w/out your input somehow. You're right the love's still here....

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t,

will you, like, not go away this year?? pleaseeeeee. it kills me

me

Maybe you will ring/text today I can only hope. :/

So? What on earth can be MORE important than me. huh?

I like that you understand that changing days of our appointments can be a bit jarring, even if there is nothing can be done about it. changing from leisurely saturday mornings, to right after work on mondays will be a tough transition.

Dear T,
If I didn't know you were probably driving to the conference at the time, I probably would have reached out to you this afternoon when I was really struggling with my daughter. I just felt really alone out there, and that all the people seeing what was going were probably judging and thinking I was a bad mom, not knowing that my daughter's on the spectrum. And that she kept kicking and trying to bite me, so I had to be a little tougher on her than usual. Or when she kept trying to run away. I just felt helpless. And that people would think I was hurting her. I know you say I'm a great mom, but sometimes I just think I should be able to handle it better...

Dear MC,
You said Monday that I can handle being my daughter's mom, that I just convince myself that I can't and catastrophize, which is doing myself a disservice. But what if I really *can't* handle it? If I can't keep my daughter from running off, having to chase her down, and having her screaming like a banshee and kicking and trying to bite me when I pick her up and me snapping at her and doing my best to avoid her attacks, which probably looked harsh from the outside...then am I really "handling" it? And now it's not just me that feels that way, it's probably a whole bunch of my neighbors, too. Wish I could talk to you before Monday but don't want to bother you. (Will probably e-mail before then, though at this point, between this and other thoughts I've had the past couple days, it would turn into a novel even by my standards.)

I just want to say, I feel for you LT! I don't have kids, but am a preschool teacher to 2 year olds. A classroom of toddlers is absolutely insanity, and the struggle to feel like i am not patient enough, or kind enough to these guys is real. I know it ISN'T the same as a parent to a child with special needs, but just let you know you are doing your best. The fact that you worry about it is a good sign.

Also, EFF other people! So what if they think you are being a "bad" mom, most people who think that probably aren't parents, and have no clue what they are talking about. And if they are parents, they also have no clue what they are talking about, because they don't know YOUR struggles. I know it is hard to let go of other people's perceptions, especially with parenting, but you are doing the best you can. I barely have patience for repeated temper tantrums, and the constant throwing themselves on the ground and not moving, and the hitting of me....

Also want to say, in those moments when she is attacking you, your first priority is to make sure she and you are safe, and you know what is the best way to calm her down. Trust that.

Are you seeing your darling princess again? You miserable sleazeball. Every time you see her, you will be seeing me too.

You will be constantly reminded of your unethical ways and your bizarre relationship with her. Isn't she married? Oh, that's right, you don't care. As long as you get to flirt with and show her off to your colleagues. OMG!! Do you exploit ALL your clients??

Does your gf know you exploit her too? Would she mind?

I don't know if this works without you. The parts of me that need this are in hiding and the boxes are being put back in the shelf.

I hate you . I hate the times during the week , when I'm in need , think of you and notice the session is gonna take at least two days to come. Then when the time comes , I'm ok and I don't need you at all. We talk about it anyway . but there's no use. I'm still right here , suffering ,or simply empty minded, still after all these years feeling like there's something that I should find to fix things , then I tell myself there's nothing and yes I do know everything is just about a little bit of willingness. But then everything repeats themselves. Still here writing **** , hating you and wanting to remove you from my life because you are not capable of doing anything for me. Our relationship doesn't work and I don't give a damn. Why would we try to fix sth that's so fragile ? a 3 years old relationship that's only been touched by disappointment , shouldn' be as weak , as weak as I don't feel the slightest connection to you . I'm fed up with your exhausting repetitive questions : what are you thinking about ? how do you feel toward X and Y ? I ****ing don't know . I'm tired of answering these kinds of questions and never ever feeling like this has ever helped me to find out something about myself . it just adds up to my confusion .
Ok I know , if I want to end it , I'm free to do. But then we 'll have session to talk about termination , and you say there are other things to work on yet , and since I 'm sure you have my best in mind , and you just wanna help , knowing that it's another favor ( since you have reduced your fee , and that you get no financial advantage out of this ) , I'd say ok , let's keep on ,let's see what happens .
I'm ****ing crying now and I don't know why . I never know anyway. Is it becoz I feel like I need "you" or because I'm simply in need ? Do I want to terminate or I don’t ? do I trust you or I don't ?
I hate the fact that I never know this or that? I realize this might not be you that I hate , but you accompany all this hateful stuff and you don't fix it . you're just another human what am I expecting ?
I know how will our next ****ing session will be . don't need to write that boring stuff anymore .
What the hell is wrong with the world , all I want is death . Is it that much ????????

Thanks so much for the support. It's just hard, too, when my H is like, "Every kid is frustrating" and shares stories his friends have about their NT kids. While my T understands that my daughter is more challenging. She's on the high-functioning end of the spectrum and can be cute and silly and sweet much of the time, but when she's having a bad time of it, it's really rough. I also try so hard not to express any anger or frustration at her (unlike my H, who will yell at her and stuff), so when I do kind of snap and end up screaming at her, then I beat myself up, too.

As for what you said about other people, ever since I've had her, I've had this weird paranoia about someone calling CPS on me (I'm sure it's related to my anxiety and/or OCD). Like when she was really little, I had her out in a stroller on maybe a 50-degree (F) day, and a neighbor was like, "She needs to be wearing a hat!" And I wasn't even wearing a jacket, and I let that get to me like, "Oh, no, am I being negligent? Is she going to report me?" Which of course is ridiculous, but when she's almost 5 and screaming and running away from me, as I'm trying to grab her and calm her down, which might look forceful from the outside (she's incredibly strong!), I worry someone will think I'm harming her and call someone about it.

I will say that now that I'm a parent, I definitely have changed my perspective when I see kids, say, in the store or a restaurant acting up. I tend to look at the parent with a sympathetic eye and a caring smile, and I appreciate when other parents (or just people used to dealing with kids) do the same to me.

And, wow, you must have an amazing amount of patience to work with a class of 2-year-olds all day! Even if you think you don't. Pretty sure I'd want to run screaming from the room after a few hours and not come back. But that's also why I'm not a preschool teacher!

13 hours to go to our last session. Ok you said it's only temporarily. But I can't be sure about you coming back until you are actually back. 5 months... It's such a long time. A time in which will happen a brunch of difficult stuff.
I need you.
I want you as my T.
I don't want to say goodbye.
I hate you.

I have no idea what I want to do tomorrow. I don't really care. Whatever we will do, nothing would make this less hard.
If you would give me a hug, that would be enough. It won't make things easier, but I want a hug. Though I just remembered you have that belly and I don't want any part of my body to touch that.

I hate you.

I want to just not show up.

I want to quit therapy. I want to never see a therapist again. They're not good for you.

I miss you.

T , you asked me what was the thing that had kept me in therapy despite all the obstacles ... i don't know , but i guess it's the same thing that makes me thing of you whenever i need help and feel stuck. that is also the reason for me wanting to quit ; because i immediately remember that there's no logical or even emotional reasons i should be thinking of you as " help " cause i hardly ever have got comfort from a t session . most of the times it makes me feel worse . i hate myself for holding on to the hope that you will fix me , that this session will come and i won't be feeling stuck anymore.
i just wish i could show you this posts maybe you could understand how i'm struggling .
funny , you know, 10 minutes ago i felt like ,things are ok , i will discuss my issue and we'll get connected again and i'll solve this . but now again I'm in tears , thinking we'll get to the end of this weak's session with me feeling rejected and not understood. of course there's no rejection from you it's just me... .i wanna say i need you but i keep thinking i need you for what ???

T, I love you too. But one part wants to push you away, another wants to believe you but is having trouble, another part feels that you love her and thinks it's great!

Why didn't you email yet? Usually you do on Thursday. I hope it was okay to tell you that medical information. It may be applicable to you, or maybe not. I only know some of your family history, and I think it's relevant.

I expect to hear from you later. If not, I'm gonna start worrying!

How did it go, Chummy? You doing okay?

I was thinking about your students in the advanced psych course and I'd like you to pass this on to them.

The first criteria in being a psychotherapist is to be HUMAN. If they can't pass that test (as you and I know some can't), then they should walk out the door and not come back to class. There are plenty of other careers for them to pursue but being a T isn't one of them.

T,

You said you wouldn't answer me about your personal beliefs regarding LGBT and that I could obsess about it all I wanted, because the "bone of the issue" is me not accepting myself.

But I still want to hear you say you accept LGBT people, and thus accept this part of me, T.

Be a man and own up to YOUR responsibilities. Stop running away from them (that's what you're doing). YOU are in denial.