[sunrise]

I'm having a really hard time right now navigating the whole divorce thing. It's hard communicating with my husband to do this. Misunderstandings abound. I try to practice the communication skills we are supposed to be learning in couples therapy, but I don't see that they help or maybe I am just not implementing them correctly. Trying this certainly does not make me feel better. It makes me feel horrible--like a failure that I cannot do this--and the target of many negative emotions from my husband. I hate this. I want to go to sleep, hibernate, and not wake up again until this is all over.

I didn't have my individual therapy session this past week, and it shows. It's hard having both individual and couples therapy sessions each week (the cost seem so extravagant), so I am not going every week for individual anymore. Maybe that is a mistake. I feel like right now I would like T's support, to bask in it, and then feel buoyed to go out into the world and deal with this some more. On the other hand, it makes me feel so needy to not be able to do this as so many other adults do, without a weekly visit to a therapist. Certainly, zillions of couples go through divorce each year, and most of them don't have a therapist. I am just a wuss?

I know it's not good to be feeling this way, but I am also starting to feel like I have to be more circumspect with T outside of the couples format, for fear something I don't want to may leak on into the couples session, due to T's "leaking it" inadvertantly. Like a few days before my last couples session, I called T and left him a phone message seeking some information for myself. I considered this a confidential phone call between him and me (even though we never spoke--it was just a voice mail I left him). But at our couples session, he brought up the content of this call and asked me about it. And wanted me to explain the whole thing to my husband. And I had not even mentioned this before to my husband and hadn't been prepared to do it. I guess it was no big deal, but I would have liked some advance warning this was going to be expected of me. In a similar way, T "betrayed" my husband by sharing some information at our session that he got through other means. So we both had to deal with these unexpected/compromising revelations that T made in session. I don't think I like that. But I think probably T is just trying to go for greater transparency between all of us, which is not necessarily a bad thing. And my response is that outside of our couples session, I will watch very carefully what I say to T either on the phone or in individual sessions. I hate that.

Sigh, hard evening tonight. Thanks for listening. ((((hugs))))

hey. i think it would be worth it if both you and your husband were able to talk to your t about his not disclosing information that you each offer him confidentially. it might be that he is trying to encourage transparency (which would give him the opportunity to say so) or it might be that he will apologise and not do it again.

i don't think it is good that you are in the uncomfortable position of worrying what you say to him in case he brings it up in couples therapy...

sure lots of people go through divorce without a therapist. lots of people go through divorces that are far from amicable and are filled with bad feelings and hostility and conflict, however.

it is great that you are trying with the communication skills... they can be hard... it might help to practice role playing them in individual therapy? or maybe you can bring up the things you tried in couples therapy?

dunno...

Sunrise, sorry your having a hard time right now.

[Perna]

"Navigating" sounds like the perfect word. Sometimes I use to think of therapy as white water rafting :-)

((( sunny )))

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Maybe this is a time in your life to be "extravagant". It is an expense, for sure, but the individual session are so helpful to you and this seems an important time for having all the support you want, and need. It seems more of a necessity than an extravagance, dear sunny.

Maybe it's connected.... missing the frequency of your individual sessions and T's talking about your VM message in the couples session. Reading it, I felt the boundaries getting kind of blurry and putting myself in your shoes, I felt kind of neglected.

It must be sooo hard to work on communication skills in the midst of divorce. I admire you very much for your hard work, sunny.

((( hugs )))

ECHOES

[lauren_helene]

Hi Sunrise

I always wondered how that works when someone has individual sessions and then couples sessions.

I sort of thought that if you bring something up then he can talk about it but if you don't then he can't. If this isn't true then at least he should clarify this and you and he should agree on how that would be handled.

I'm sorry you are feeling bad.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Sunrise)))

I am so sorry you are feeling down, and unsupported.

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Certainly, zillions of couples go through divorce each year, and most of them don't have a therapist. I am just a wuss?

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I don't see it that way; yes, zillions go through it but few know the secret of self-care that you now know...I hope you can find a way to afford the individual sessions that you need. Not as a luxury but a necessity?

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T is just trying to go for greater transparency between all of us,

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The idea of transparency on T's part is noble, but maybe not always ready for it? I remember leaving a message once for T and when he returned call, he left a message with my husband, that wasn't clear it was for me and that I wish he hadn't left. so, I called back and told him i wasn't clear about it. I think now, that i will only leave my cell phone # to avoid this circumstance.

Sunrise, you are so courageous to be going through this couple's therapy with your T. These problems are exactly what I am afraid of dealing with, and I have been avoiding scheduling the couples session, although we really need it. I am afraid.

I wish you blessings and courage to continue.

[sunrise]

Thanks alex, mouse, Perna, ECHOES, almedafan, and sister for your replies. Really appreciate your comments and support.

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alex wrote:
i think it would be worth it if both you and your husband were able to talk to your t about his not disclosing information that you each offer him confidentially. it might be that he is trying to encourage transparency (which would give him the opportunity to say so) or it might be that he will apologise and not do it again.

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That's a good idea. I think at very least I will mention something to my T in our next individual session about the phone call, and how it caught me off guard when he brought it up in our couples session. I think transparency is a good thing in the couples therapy, I just have to be more cognizant of encouraging it and not have it be just something T is aiming for. You know, get us all on the same page. I also think that this is a potential problem whenever family counselors see more than one subset of a family simultaneously. I don't want to place too many demands on T's memory as to what he can and cannot bring up in our couples sessions. Sometimes there are things we talk about in both the couples and individual sessions, and sometimes things just in individual that are related to couples issues. I could see it could get to be a "bookkeeping" hassle for him to keep everything straight--what was said in whose session, etc. In the end, what keeps me going with the dual types of sessions is that T has my complete trust, so I have reassured myself that if he does bring something up in couples session that derives from an individual interaction, it is not harmful to me. I trust him completely to not harm me.

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i don't think it is good that you are in the uncomfortable position of worrying what you say to him in case he brings it up in couples therapy

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Yes, I agree, and I need some reassurance from him on this.

Perna, I like the whitewater rafting analogy. You always have such good visual images to make concrete what we are going through in therapy.

ECHOES, maybe I do deserve some extravagance right now in my life. Thanks for suggesting that. It's almost like I need someone's permission or suggestion to do this. I'm always so cognizant of spending so much money on this (therapists for me, husband and me, my daughter, plus two lawyers, etc.--the mounting fees are boggling). Due to some upcoming summer events, I was going to have to miss one week of couples session and two weeks of individual sessions. Maybe I will try to make that 1 and 1 only, with no week going by when I don't see T in some context. Right now, I would just like to go into T's office and curl up on the couch and have him be there. And just sit in silence. That would really give me a lot of support, just sitting there with him.

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Reading it, I felt the boundaries getting kind of blurry and putting myself in your shoes, I felt kind of neglected.

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I think that is right. Several times now T has talked about how the original object of therapy (that would be me) can feel neglected when therapy expands to include other family members. I have been OK with it so far, I thought, but maybe not. He says there is a danger that the original client will lose the relationship with the T. He has brought this up several times, probably only 3 or so, but it feels like umpteen! It has made me wonder if HE is the one having the problem with it rather than me. Does he feel our relationship being harmed or slipping away? If so, then it seems something is seriously not good. And maybe we should stop this? If not, why does he keep bringing it up? Does he sense something is amiss between us? Or is he simply seeking reassurance from me that I am OK with all of this? I never thought of my T as needing reassurance before, but maybe he does. He's human. This is something I want to talk with him about. I wonder if he is projecting to me vibes of uncertainty he is picking up from me? Or I wonder if he truly feels that way himself?

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Sunrise, you are so courageous to be going through this couple's therapy with your T. These problems are exactly what I am afraid of dealing with, and I have been avoiding scheduling the couples session, although we really need it. I am afraid.

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sister, it is OK not to do couples until you are ready, until you are not scared. ((((hugs)))) I went to my T individually for 7 months before I was no longer afraid to do couples with him. Looking back, I am amazed at how patient he was. When I lost the fear of bringing my husband there, then I was ready. It was only possible when I had absolute trust in T, and that took months to develop and then one day a turning point when suddenly it was possible. It was as if one day I woke up, looked outside, and saw that a whole field of daffodils had burst into bloom simultaneously. That didn't just come out of nowhere. We had worked for months cultivating trust--tilling the soil, planting the seeds, providing water and nutrients, and then overnight, the field was abloom.

[SecretGarden]

I was thinking of you today as I read your post this morning and went for a drive today to visit my brother. I wonder how many couples sessions you might need before this has been resolved or whatever you might care to describe it. I am agreeing with Echoes that you are at a difficult time and that individual sure would be a good support to you. Even if not regularly perhaps you can add some sessions though regularity is a good thing. I know you do not wish to break the bank.

I am sorry that things are difficult and I think that you are doing well by yourselves and your child(ren) to be going through this to facilitate a "successful" divorce and transition.

I also agree with Alex that you clarify some boundaries for that transparency mechanism. That would concern me and you really do need to be able to tell him whatever without holding back in your individual therapy.

Hang in there... You will make it. I just know it. :-)

[WinterRose]

I'm sorry it's going roughly. I was unaware that a T would take on the couple when already working with one of them. I thought that would get very sticky - especially on the confidentiality part. Confidentiality is important in both sessions. It's not good for things to spill over unless you do the spilling, not the therapist. I hope that doesn't continue or make things too difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through all this at all. I don't think you're a wuss doing couples therapy, but wise. (((hugs)))

[sunrise]

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SecretGarden said:
I wonder how many couples sessions you might need before this has been resolved or whatever you might care to describe it.

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Do you mean how long will it take to sort out the confidentiality issue? We have another couples session later this week, and I'm not sure I will even bring it up there. But I will bring it up at the end of this week in my individual session and maybe it will all get settled then. SecretGarden, it warmed me a bit to read that you had been thinking about my post when you were out driving with your brother. Like, hey, I exist for SG outside of the board. Cool! Thanks.

Winterrose, thanks for your comments and support. Yes, some therapists do overlapping couples and individual therapy, depending on their philosophy and therapy orientation. My T is a Family Systems Therapist, so is used to seeing different groupings of any one family. In addition to my individual and our couples, we may also bring in a daughter/parent combo at some time in the future. There are pros and cons to doing couples and individual with the same therapist, and we did discuss this before beginning the couples, so I knew what I was getting into. (although I resisted it for a long time!) I have seen a lot of benefit and some of the cons as well, but the positive has outweighed any negative so far.

Tonight, my husband and I have scheduled our own "meeting" to work on some of the issues in preparation for our couples therapy session later this week. So that we can really make good use of our time with T. Sometimes it is just kind of awful having to work with this person you don't really even like anymore and wish would just leave your life.

[SecretGarden]

Good luck with your meeting with your hubby. Keep thinking that it is a means to a semi-closure to your current situation.

Hang in there and glad you are seeing your T this week.

[sunrise]

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SecretGarden said:
Good luck with your meeting with your hubby.

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That went really well.

And today we had a couples session and that went well too. T said next week may be our last session with him for a while. We have done what we set out to do. We can see him later if issues arise. He is our family therapist now. I don't know whether to be happy or sad to know we are almost done with our time together in therapy. I feel something but I'm not sure what. Maybe fear, apprehension. Like this is one more thing to check off the list that has been accomplished, and one step nearer to divorce. It's scary.

We talked some in session about the issue of transparency but in an indirect way. T said his transparency is much greater than many T's use/advocate. He believes the family is the system, the family is his client. And he provides therapy to the parts of the system (the family members) to help the system as a whole. If there is a problem with a child, for example, he wants to hear from the parent about it. (This is in contrast to my daughter's therapist, who some of you may remember from a while back, would not speak to me about stressors affecting my daughter, as she felt this was a breach of confidentiality.) Anyway, today we didn't talk directly about any confidentiality issues, but it sounds like our couples therapy is wrapping up, so maybe this is not an issue much longer.

I see T on my own later this week so may still bring up this issue. I can hardly wait--I miss the guy even though I saw him today. It's not the same seeing him with my husband there. There seems less of a connection, although I do feel it in subtle ways. Like today, my husband was saying something, or maybe T was, and it prompted me to think of something else, so I was sitting there quiet, thinking of this other thing. And T turned to me, and said, "sunny?" Like he just knew something was going on and invited me to share it. It just made me feel like he was so attuned to me that he would notice this. It's not like I was jumping up and down, waving my hand, and wanting to interject something into the conversation. I was just quiet. But he knew. The degree of attunement with him is just crazy good, so easy, especially in contrast to the lack of attunement between me and my husband. Sitting in that room, the three of us, me with these two men from my life. And the one I've known and lived with for 20 years knows little about me. And this guy I've known for 8 months and that I pay a fee to each week knows me better than maybe anyone ever has. Sometimes that just boggles.