[WanderingBark]

I'm really in the thick of deep transference for my therapist. He is fully aware of this and we've talked about it quite a lot. I brought it up today as I had a horrible week of obsessive thoughts and feelings of deeply needing him when he wasn't available. He suggested that I give in to the attachment and trust the therapy. I've decided to do this but I don't know where to begin or how to start.

What does giving into attachment look like? How does one do this?

[laxer12]

That's a good question and I'm not sure any of us will be able to completely answer that for you. I would be curious to hear what your T thinks that means. I'm assuming he means to not fight it and just let it happen. I get attached too and being aware of it is obviously a good thing but it can be challenging as well because we don't want it to be there but it is anyway. Being attached to our therapists can help us heal the wounds that cause us to get attached in the first place. They are (generally) reliable people to get attached to, although there are always stories of T's who aren't and hurt their clients.

I guess I'm thinking that he doesn't want you to fight your feelings or try to get rid of the attachment. Let it happen and hopefully in time, it will fade. At least that's my hope with my T...

[Favorite Jeans]

I don't know for sure.

When you have obsessive needy feelings about your T what do you think of yourself?

I would be prone to feeling ashamed and loserish (that's a word now). I'd feel like I really wanted my T and then I'd default to thinking how embarrassing that is and how much I suck for having these infantile needs and how incongruous it is with the person I try to be and how I hope to be perceived.

I don't know if you have a similar internal dialogue but maybe giving in is just working on feeling okay about having those needs, feeling sadness or grief that they cannot be met fully by your T and not judging yourself for the sadness. Also for me it would mean not being too cool to share those incredibly difficult and (to me) shameful feelings with my T.

[Focus62]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I don't know for sure.

When you have obsessive needy feelings about your T what do you think of yourself?

I would be prone to feeling ashamed and loserish (that's a word now). I'd feel like I really wanted my T and then I'd default to thinking how embarrassing that is and how much I suck for having these infantile needs and how incongruous it is with the person I try to be and how I hope to be perceived.

I don't know if you have a similar internal dialogue but maybe giving in is just working on feeling okay about having those needs, feeling sadness or grief that they cannot be met fully by your T and not judging yourself for the sadness. Also for me it would mean not being too cool to share those incredibly difficult and (to me) shameful feelings with my T.

Ditto. You nailed it, I think.

[vonmoxie]

I think that in this context, "giving in" to the attachment likely just means allowing it to exist without layering on additional feelings about it being "bad" or anything. If your therapist is willing to work through the transference with you (what a rare treat), instead of your having to spend counter-productive emotional energy on worrying about having the feelings, the open dialogue and positive environment for their existence could provide a better opportunity to sort out what they really represent for you.

I can't really say as I've never had a therapist who was able to discuss transference productively, without getting paranoid about how they could potentially be personally affected (ironic since I've exhibited so little, but whatevs). Seems like a fine thing that your therapist is willing to foster an environment for the transference to exist and perhaps achieve bettered resolutions.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by WanderingBark

I'm really in the thick of deep transference for my therapist. He is fully aware of this and we've talked about it quite a lot. I brought it up today as I had a horrible week of obsessive thoughts and feelings of deeply needing him when he wasn't available. He suggested that I give in to the attachment and trust the therapy. I've decided to do this but I don't know where to begin or how to start.

What does giving into attachment look like? How does one do this?

Can you trust him? How do you know? What is the methodology he proposes for this and what is the end game? What does your gut say?

I was in the same boat. I did not give in willingly though. The process sucked me in beyond my control. I too developed obsessive thoughts and they are still there, post termination. It was and is a nightmare.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by laxer12

That's a good question and I'm not sure any of us will be able to completely answer that for you. I would be curious to hear what your T thinks that means. I'm assuming he means to not fight it and just let it happen. I get attached too and being aware of it is obviously a good thing but it can be challenging as well because we don't want it to be there but it is anyway. Being attached to our therapists can help us heal the wounds that cause us to get attached in the first place. They are (generally) reliable people to get attached to, although there are always stories of T's who aren't and hurt their clients.

I guess I'm thinking that he doesn't want you to fight your feelings or try to get rid of the attachment. Let it happen and hopefully in time, it will fade. At least that's my hope with my T...

I'll post an update when I ask him next session. I think you're right--he did mention giving into them without judgement.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I don't know for sure.

When you have obsessive needy feelings about your T what do you think of yourself?

I would be prone to feeling ashamed and loserish (that's a word now). I'd feel like I really wanted my T and then I'd default to thinking how embarrassing that is and how much I suck for having these infantile needs and how incongruous it is with the person I try to be and how I hope to be perceived.

I don't know if you have a similar internal dialogue but maybe giving in is just working on feeling okay about having those needs, feeling sadness or grief that they cannot be met fully by your T and not judging yourself for the sadness. Also for me it would mean not being too cool to share those incredibly difficult and (to me) shameful feelings with my T.

I do have similar internal dialogue. I think you're right. I started to feel a little of that sadness today associated with acknowledging that he can't fully meet my needs, but then he said he can show up or meet them in other ways. I think I'll ask him what he meant by this next session because it took away from my feeling sad and gave me hope, which isn't a bad thing.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

I think that in this context, "giving in" to the attachment likely just means allowing it to exist without layering on additional feelings about it being "bad" or anything. If your therapist is willing to work through the transference with you (what a rare treat), instead of your having to spend counter-productive emotional energy on worrying about having the feelings, the open dialogue and positive environment for their existence could provide a better opportunity to sort out what they really represent for you.

I can't really say as I've never had a therapist who was able to discuss transference productively, without getting paranoid about how they could potentially be personally affected (ironic since I've exhibited so little, but whatevs). Seems like a fine thing that your therapist is willing to foster an environment for the transference to exist and perhaps achieve bettered resolutions.

Yes, I think you're right about accepting these feelings without judgement. It reminds me of what he said earlier about how it's beautiful that my needs are now out in the open to be worked with. I am extremely lucky to have him as my therapist--I honestly couldn't imagine doing this work with anyone except him. Wishing you well and that you find a T like mine

[AllHeart]

I think giving into the attachment would mean forming a deeper, more meaningful connection with your t. Attachment tends to make one more needy. If you give in to the attachment, you will most likely crave even more contact with t in between sessions. You state you had deeply needed him last week but he wasn't available. What was he not available for (ie. emailing, phone calls) and why (ie. not allowed, on vacation, you didn't feel you should bother him)? How will this unavailability play into your attachment needs?

Attaching to my t was a game changer for me. It's played a major role in successfully getting me out of hell. It's been very helpful to my growth and healing but I couldn't have done it without out of session contact.

Find out what "giving in to the attachment" looks like for you, and what it looks like for your t to make sure you are both on the same page before attaching. Discuss the expectations and find out the boundaries that come with this attachment process. Are you allowed out of session contact with t? How? If you email, will he respond? If he responds, how will he respond in general (in detail, a quick sentence or two, a simple acknowledgement he received the email)? Will boundary changes be discussed before being implemented? Can they be taken away without warning? Just know as much as you can before letting yourself go because attaching requires a lot of trust. Knowing helps.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Can you trust him? How do you know? What is the methodology he proposes for this and what is the end game? What does your gut say?

I was in the same boat. I did not give in willingly though. The process sucked me in beyond my control. I too developed obsessive thoughts and they are still there, post termination. It was and is a nightmare.

I'm struggling with trusting him, but not because he isn't trust worthy. I'm terrified of being hurt/let down. I'm terrified that he'll promise to be there for me and then one day he won't. He hasn't proposed specific methodology, but I think the end game is to resolve/manage my anxiety or at least that's part of it. Now my gut says I can trust him whereas a few months ago it said I couldn't.

[LonesomeTonight]

As a few others have said, I think when you fight against something you're feeling, it can become more intense. So by just accepting the feelings, it lessens the intensity. I've had some very intense attachment to my marriage counselor (still do, to some extent), and talking about it with him and accepting that the feelings were normal helped. One of his main philosophies as a T is that you can't control your feelings--only what you do with them. So no feelings are "wrong" or "bad"--they just are. So maybe try accepting your feelings? I know, much easier said than done!

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by WanderingBark

I'm struggling with trusting him, but not because he isn't trust worthy. I'm terrified of being hurt/let down. I'm terrified that he'll promise to be there for me and then one day he won't. He hasn't proposed specific methodology, but I think the end game is to resolve/manage my anxiety or at least that's part of it. Now my gut says I can trust him whereas a few months ago it said I couldn't.

I feel this way because I got hurt badly, but if I could talk to myself back when I was in this situation, I would say -- do not trust implicitly.

Seems many therapists expect the client to just play along, despite obscuring both their true self and their methods.

[growlycat]

As much as I like the sense of attachment in therapy, my instincts always tell me to stay skeptical. It is hard to stay objective in the throes of therapy love. It doesn't hurt to allow one part of you to stay just outside that neediness.

[stopdog]

I don't know for sure because I don't have any urge to attach to a therapist, but the way it is described by others sounds to me, if talking about the kind I see described - like rolling over on your back with your neck and belly exposed and a giant target drawn upon your breast.

[unaluna]

What does giving in to attachment look like? Its like not looking at your feet when youre learning to dance. Cuz dancing is not just about moving your feet, its just something you do as a part of dancing. So is attachment a part of therapy. Dont look at your feet - just do the rest of therapy as if you were attached. Dont WORRY about how many emails youre "allowed" - thats looking at your feet and counting steps. Just KNOW you can contact if you need to - thats following ts lead on the dance floor.

e

Originally Posted by unaluna

What does giving in to attachment look like? Its like not looking at your feet when youre learning to dance. Cuz dancing is not just about moving your feet, its just something you do as a part of dancing. So is attachment a part of therapy. Dont look at your feet - just do the rest of therapy as if you were attached. Dont WORRY about how many emails youre "allowed" - thats looking at your feet and counting steps. Just KNOW you can contact if you need to - thats following ts lead on the dance floor.

Dang that's a good description! But double dang, I'm such a lousy, two left feet, robotic dancer. It's like my eyeballs are glued to the tips of my toes! Maybe I'll wear a blindfold when I'm dancing, I mean doing therapy.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by growlycat

As much as I like the sense of attachment in therapy, my instincts always tell me to stay skeptical. It is hard to stay objective in the throes of therapy love. It doesn't hurt to allow one part of you to stay just outside that neediness.

Yes, I also feel this way. There's a morbid curiosity within me that wonders what would happen if I just said, " $%*# it, let's give in 100% to the therapy love and see what happens" you know? I'm inclined to do what you've suggested though--to keep part of myself outside of that neediness.

Just curious, because these are concepts I'm struggling to define for myself: what is therapy love? Is it different for every T-client relationship? Also, what's the benefit of objectivity in therapy for the client? T must remain objective otherwise the work can't be done, but why should the client be objective?

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

I think giving into the attachment would mean forming a deeper, more meaningful connection with your t. Attachment tends to make one more needy. If you give in to the attachment, you will most likely crave even more contact with t in between sessions. You state you had deeply needed him last week but he wasn't available. What was he not available for (ie. emailing, phone calls) and why (ie. not allowed, on vacation, you didn't feel you should bother him)? How will this unavailability play into your attachment needs?

Attaching to my t was a game changer for me. It's played a major role in successfully getting me out of hell. It's been very helpful to my growth and healing but I couldn't have done it without out of session contact.

Find out what "giving in to the attachment" looks like for you, and what it looks like for your t to make sure you are both on the same page before attaching. Discuss the expectations and find out the boundaries that come with this attachment process. Are you allowed out of session contact with t? How? If you email, will he respond? If he responds, how will he respond in general (in detail, a quick sentence or two, a simple acknowledgement he received the email)? Will boundary changes be discussed before being implemented? Can they be taken away without warning? Just know as much as you can before letting yourself go because attaching requires a lot of trust. Knowing helps.

He wasn't available because I cancelled my sessions last week due to work conflicts and that I was angry at him But in all seriousness, that was such a bad idea--I should've gone especially when I was so upset. He doesn't allow outside communication except for scheduling, unfortunately. I can understand why--he's very busy and it must be exhausting to be a therapist. Selfishly, however, I would feel better if I were allowed one needy "I miss you" text or e-mail even if he didn't respond back.

Thank you for your advice--I will bring many of these questions up during my next session.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by WanderingBark

He doesn't allow outside communication except for scheduling, unfortunately. I can understand why--he's very busy and it must be exhausting to be a therapist. Selfishly, however, I would feel better if I were allowed one needy "I miss you" text or e-mail even if he didn't respond back.

In my experience, the combination of the emergence of childlike neediness and no contact between sessions might be a recipe for a ton of dysregulation and distress. When these attachment needs come out, as someone wrote, the person naturally desires proximity to the attachment figure.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by BudFox

In my experience, the combination of the emergence of childlike neediness and no contact between sessions might be a recipe for a ton of dysregulation and distress. When these attachment needs come out, as someone wrote, the person naturally desires proximity to the attachment figure.

Exactly this. If you are already wanting to occasionally text your t, attaching to him is going to intensify that desire by 100. If you can't contact t when you need to, all kinds of horrible feelings like rejection and false caring might come up. Things you do not want to deal with. I'm not trying to discourage you from attaching. I just want you to know as much as you can before you dive into it because dealing with attachment issues is a very serious thing. The power of attachment is often underestimated with therapists. If a t doesn't understand the depths to which an attachment disorder can affect the client, things can turn ugly on a dime. Not saying that is your situation. Just strongly encouraging you to look at all angles before deciding whether or not to attach.

[feralkittymom]

Wandering, I think there are two ways of looking at the outside contact issue and both are related to what happens within the sessions and where you are in the process. If you feel "held" by the therapy framework, if you have a trust that sustains you between sessions, then the work done during sessions is often enough to contain the attachment: it doesn't grow exponentially outside of session times in ways that disrupt your life.

But if you don't feel that security, that sense of being held within your therapy, then feelings of need may intensify between sessions, and without the opportunity for contact, may become a frustration (or with lots of contact lead to heightened dependency).

My personal view is that a client isn't yet "ready" for attachment when this is the case, and that more foundational work needs to happen within sessions before intensifying the work. Too soon attachment for whatever reason can easily provoke deep dependency needs. With the right therapist, it can be handled, but it's challenging work. A really well-trained T paces the attachment and slows down the work as a safer alternative, unless they practice in an intensive attachment modality--but that doesn't seem to be the way your T practices, given his no contact policy.

Only you and your T together can determine if you and your therapy are ready to sustain an increase in attachment. It sounds like your T understands attachment; so it may just be about timing for you. I do think it is best when a client can be very reflective and open about the feelings they're having in order to use them as a guide to the pacing. Attachment work isn't like jumping off a cliff--it can be monitored and adjustments to the pacing made in order to stay within a manageable range of feelings. It just requires you to be willing to be open with your feelings and not be misled by what you think you "should" feel.

[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

...A really well-trained T paces the attachment and slows down the work as a safer alternative.....

Wow, your whole post was super useful! I hadn't realized that T's can 'pace' attachment -- I'd somehow always thought it just kinda happens (erupts, more like it!) and then the painful / awkward process of attempting to manage it starts....

WanderingBark -- not sure if I have any useful suggestions other than saying that I'm in total agreement with folks who've suggested being very careful and talking it over a lot with your T first (especially expectations).

The whole attachment-in-therapy thing in general gives me some serious heebie-jeebies (I can see how it can happen but still..!) but that could just be my specific neuroses!

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Wandering, I think there are two ways of looking at the outside contact issue and both are related to what happens within the sessions and where you are in the process. If you feel "held" by the therapy framework, if you have a trust that sustains you between sessions, then the work done during sessions is often enough to contain the attachment: it doesn't grow exponentially outside of session times in ways that disrupt your life.

But if you don't feel that security, that sense of being held within your therapy, then feelings of need may intensify between sessions, and without the opportunity for contact, may become a frustration (or with lots of contact lead to heightened dependency).

My personal view is that a client isn't yet "ready" for attachment when this is the case, and that more foundational work needs to happen within sessions before intensifying the work. Too soon attachment for whatever reason can easily provoke deep dependency needs. With the right therapist, it can be handled, but it's challenging work. A really well-trained T paces the attachment and slows down the work as a safer alternative, unless they practice in an intensive attachment modality--but that doesn't seem to be the way your T practices, given his no contact policy.

Only you and your T together can determine if you and your therapy are ready to sustain an increase in attachment. It sounds like your T understands attachment; so it may just be about timing for you. I do think it is best when a client can be very reflective and open about the feelings they're having in order to use them as a guide to the pacing. Attachment work isn't like jumping off a cliff--it can be monitored and adjustments to the pacing made in order to stay within a manageable range of feelings. It just requires you to be willing to be open with your feelings and not be misled by what you think you "should" feel.

I really think everything you said here is key. I actually just got back from the worst session I've ever had with him...I won't go into details here but 30min into the session he asks if I want to end session and pick up next week. He seemed so annoyed with me...I said sure. I was so shocked, as I was leaving I panicked and asked if I could see him tomorrow for my third session of the week and he said okay. I don't even remember walking to my car. I feel like he kicked me out of session. I've been on the verge of tears for the remainder of the day. If attachment is going to make this more intense, I don't know if I can handle it or even if our therapy is at a point where it should deepen. I definitely feel like more foundation work needs to be done after today.

[stopdog]

Did you want to end the appointment? If not, could you just tell the therapist no the next time he does it? I am buying 50 minutes of time, the therapist does not get to end it early and I can use it to talk or to not talk. Or if the therapist wants to end it sooner - then I will prorate the fee. They don't get to end it early on their whim and get paid for the full time. And they don't get to dismiss me from the appointment.