Want to talk about my session

My need to "report" here after my session never goes away either, but there's no time limit here, at least!

We cleared up so many things because I started out with my email, after the settling in time, in which I noticed T wasn't wearing her glasses. First, she told me that not wanting to hear my report has nothing to do with not caring about me. She said that I get disappointed when there's not enough time left after telling her about my week. That there isn't time to get to the deeper issues. I can talk about my week with others, but I can't do therapy with them. I agreed with her. She still believes that all parts are welcomet.

I tried to explain why I told her I didn't like her glasses. We agree that I want someone in real life to be attracted to. She said "maybe I should wear my glasses then!" So I won't be attracted to her, but she was joking, I think. She did mention countertransference, and wondered if I criticized others in my life like I do her. I used to criticize my H a lot, but I don't do it to friends. I think she finally understands about the "in love" part. I definitely felt differently today because she looked prettier to me. There's nothing to do but "notice that" and hope I'll eventually have a real person to feel that way about.

Then I told T I've been kind of depressed so we talked about my H. I wanted to cry but told her I felt like there's a wall between us. She asked if I could move it an inch. I couldn't. I keep telling her I don't want to cry with her when I'm about to, but that's the opposite of how I really feel! I would so much like to get rid of that wall! I also hold back my feelings. It was even hard to say the words "I miss him" because I can't let myself feel that. I hold back. Maybe that will change. I'm not afraid of my T. I've been seeing her 6 years now!

I finally asked if I could borrow her book, Attachment in Psychotherapy, by Wallin. I always see it on her shelf but I rarely ask to borrow her books. Now I'm too tired to read it but I know I will.

I totally forgot to tell her about my dream. Not sure if I will or not.

So, I'm back to feeling a little bit attracted to T again, but not in an intolerable way, and we had a productive session. She was pleased that I could talk about my H and do some grief work. I'm grieving so my feeling depressed and still overwhelmed is normal.

Thanks for reading this if you did.

Thanks Rainbow! It sounds like productive session but I think I know what you mean when you want the wall to come down. In session it can feel embarrassing to cry in front of them but when you leave you wish you had.

You can always try checking in here at PC with how your week went--you can always keep it vague for your own privacy. Then maybe you could see if it felt like something was missing? Or maybe it would take care of that need outside of therapy.

Thanks, growly. It's hard to keep my daily life vague, though. I don't care if people know about my sessions in detail, but not my REAL LIFE, LOL!!

Lots of people cry in session. I'm just basically Inhibited and my family never cried in public, either. Or with each other.

I'm crying and feeling depressed about other stuff, not my session. I'm a failure at something. Can't go into detail. I don't want to start another thread. I have to go to sleep now because I have to be up early. I didn't have time to email my T yet about this. It's part of my report but I need help if it's not resolved by next week.

I emailed my T but she can't help even if she answers. It has to do with my expectations and thinking something was going to be great, but people fail me and I'm disappointed. Just like what happens in therapy. My session was very good, but really life is crappy. I wrote T that I wanted to die last night. But I'm having a cleaning woman today. No sleep sucks. I don't usually use "crappy" and "sucks." I want to say all the 4 letter words too! I guess this is a rant, vent whatever, so I don't explode!!! Guess I'm grieving about what was, what wasn't, and what's to be. Can anyone give me any words of wisdom, please? Or hugs?????

Oh, Rainbow - I can give hugs. I wish I had words of wisdom but I don't, I'm in that same place of greieving for what I never had, wish I had, don't have, what wasn't, never will be, etc. It does suck and it's painful and hard.

Thank you, Ellahmae. I appreciate your responding to me. I feel so alone today, which is odd because I had a good session. Probably the grief, and other problems in my life. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. Hugs!

Im excited you got your hands on the Wallin book! Now that i can access my bookshelf, we could actually talk about it!

Thinking of you rainbow!!! I wish I had answers

I'm glad you caught that. I was thinking of putting it in a new thread. I haven't started the book yet which is odd. Well, not so odd. A few years ago I mentioned it and my T didn't think I should read it. That wouldn't have stopped me but it was too expensive. I asked T yesterday if she thought it would be triggering and she didn't think so. It's more like a textbook, isn't it? I'd love to discuss it with you! It will give me something to look forward to. Anyone else read it? Thanks, unaluna.

Have you ever cried in front of your therapist? I think I remember that you haven't.

Do you have any idea why?

No, I've never cried with ANY T, ever. I'm come closest with my current T; tears start to form but that's it. I think it's the way my family was, reserved and kept feelings inside. I never saw my parents cry. I didn't cry at my Mom's funeral or my H's. My Dad didn't cry at my Mom's funeral either.

I have cried many times as soon as I get out of my T's building. She keeps asking me the same question, and yesterday asked if there's anything she's doing to prevent the tears. She said another client told her that maybe she talked when she should be quiet. I know I consciously stop myself and I say out loud, "I don't want to cry" when it's just the opposite! T said she won't look at me if I cry if I don't want her to. She and I are both in agreement that it would be good if I could just let go! I think crying seems too intimate to me. I don't like people to see or hear stuff coming out of me.

Sounds like you are keeping the strongest feelings in until it's "safe" to cry.

When you're alone.

This is out there but is it because of the ET? Do you not want to "come apart" because some part of you wants to impress her?

I agree but I wish it were safe with T. I let her see tears forming but they don't come down.

I don't think so because I don't cry with anyone and I don't have ET for everyone! Wondering if it's because I cried, probably, as a preemie, and in those days, they didn't hold babies in an incubator. I used to always have a fantasy that I'd run around the T's office, she would have to stop me physically, and I'd cry. She would be holding me. I didn't have that fantasy with current T. Maybe I can ask to hold her hand when I think I'm going to cry.

I read it about six years ago. I didnt even know what attachment MEANT at that time. I was beginning to suspect something definitive had been missing from my childhood and my friendships and my marriages and my prev (and current) ts, but i didnt know WHAT. It will be interesting to see how i understand the book now. It was just foreign to me before.

Rainbow, I doubt there is single day that I don't cry. To me, crying is simply an expression of an emotion. Sadness, happiness, frustration, depression, anger.

It no different, for me, than laughter or giggling. I emote, a lot, and tears come when they come. Simply an expression of a multitude of feelings.

Drives my daughter crazy LOL!

Crying in therapy was very hard for me. I spent many sessions just shutting down so that the tears wouldn't come down. I have cried twice in therapy now. I also don't want to be looked at when I am crying and I ask my T not to look at me just to "be there". What really helped me to cry and helps now to comfort me when I cry is to hold hands with my T.

I hope you can hold your T's hand if you cry.

Which book? Now I am intrigued,

Me too! I love to read!!

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Rainbow, I am a preemie too (born at 24 weeks in 1981), and my aunt recently sent me an article about how being born very premature has effects into adulthood. It is the magazine The New Scientist (Barnes and Noble has it right now), and it is an interesting article, though most of it I knew. Basically it said that for many preemies, they tend towards introversion (check!), anxiety (check!) and risk-aversiveness (check!). Like you, I wasn't held for the first month I don't think. I mean I was touched by nurses and stuff, but was too small to be held for a long time. When one of my T's first put out that my birth trauma might have a bigger impact on my life as an adult than I think, I got mad. It still makes me mad. This isn't something I can "fix," it just is a stupid unfortunate part of life, and certainly nothing I can remember and maybe get some catharsis on.
OMG, if you were my mom i t would drive me crazy too! haha. I only cry when really depressed, or if my cat is sick.
I think it is called Attachment in Psychotherapy by David Wallin.

Rainbow, I have skimmed it in the past, mostly what I thought fit me (anxious-avoidant).

I find thus fascinating because I was a preemie AND a twin and I guess I was the quiet twin. There are supposedly "happy" family stories about how I would just entertain myself quietly in my crib for house and hours so my brother needed all the attention. Supposedly I never ever cried so you could just leave me alone for hours....

Then at 3 I was mauled by a dog. I nearly lost my eyes had one whole side of my face ripped up, punctured salivary glands etc so I had all these drains that needed flushing and stuff. It took several adults to hold me down for the flushing and stuff every day for at least a month. Sometime at the end of that period was when my mom tried to drown me for fighting her

I have always wondered how those incidents affected my life.was my mothers complete inability to bond with me related to these things???? She bonded to my brother just fine.

Of course she was nuts and abusive throughout my childhood but my T said what I consider my "normal" childhood experiences like having the wounds flushed was all significantly traumatic which had never ocurred to me

One thing that i've always read is that it DOES affect bonding, because some preemies can shut down pretty easily. My mom said it would take her 3 hours to feed me 2 oz of milk because i kept falling asleep. I think it is harder for preemies to be attached to their parents, but it can be overcome. My mom was 18 when she had me, and I think she did her best, but she admits she had no clue what she was doing.

ALSO: YES to that dog incident being very traumatic! I have a MASSIVE fear of hospitals and doctors. Hospitals the most. Luckily I have been a healthy adult (and child), but one time when I cut my hand open on glass and was home alone, I didn't even think about calling an ambulance. I would have rather bled out then go to the hospital. It just so happened a friend called and I was all ike "oh, i cut my hand," and she said "Ok, well I"ll bike over!" hahaha. She told her mom I cut my hand, so her mom drove her over. I'll never forget the look on my friend's face. It went completely white.

20 stitches later....

But I know my intense fear of hospitals and doctors is because i spent the first 4 months of my life in the NICU. I told my T that if i ever get cancer, I'm out of here (as in, i will not be able to handle chemo and all the hospital visits...)

Though I will say that your situation was abusive, and abusers generally have one as the "scapegoat" and one as the "golden" child....so i think that has more to do with abuse than prematurity

I think I went the opposite way. I had SO many hospital stays...6 weeks NICU, dog bite, parental unit dislocated my shoulder, put hand through glass window, pneumonia in both lungs that my mom ignored til I passed out and almost died, abscessed tonsils that had to come out etc etc. I came to think of hospitals as rather safe . at least my mom couldn't do anything too mean with the nurses around . I don't love going to the hospital but I believe the rush of relief I general feel there , like "thank god someone is finally going to do something to help me" stems from my mom nearly letting me die a few times.